Walter certainly had a lot going on in his mind, he felt thirsty, his lips were dry, he hadn't drunk a single cup of water since he woke up. So he got up and walked to the garage's kitchen, he grabbed a cup and then went to the sink, he opened the cold walter handle and water started pouring out into the cup, he drank it to the last drop and then refilled it, and then gulped it down again, man he was thirsty! he did this one more time. He then went and climbed the stairs to the loft, then he walked to his bedroom to check on cabe, he found the older man sleeping comfortably on his bed, his shoes were still on and he wasn't covered as his legs were resting on the nicely folded cover, he wanted to make sure he was ok, but he didn't want to wake him up, so he quietly got closer, he put his index finger just under his nose, his breathing was steady, he then lightly put his index and middle finger on his left wrist, he wanted to measure his pulse to see if the sedative had any side effects, his pulse was steady too. Walter let out a sigh of relief. The older man stayed by his side a lot after the others left him, he'd visit him everyday, he'd make him eat even when he didn't feel like it, and he'd sometimes bring allie along too, he'd play chess with him and listen to his everyword whether about science or about the others or even the smallest things. He was more grateful for him than words could describe. The sight of him sleeping this comfortably put the first smile on walter's face in weeks. He lightly lifted his legs and took the cover from underneath them and set it aside, he then took off the pair of shoes he was wearing starting by the right one then the left one, then set them on the floor next to his bed, it would be easier to find this way when he wakes up. He then grabbed the sheet he set aside and covered him with it. Now he'll sleep more comfortably.
He then went back to the couch below and sat down on it, he wanted to digest the new information he aquired. Okay so he found out how people value things, how different people actually are, why he's looked down on so much, and the most reassuring fact he discovered was that everything wasn't his fault like he was always made to believe. The bank being robbed wasn't his fault, he couldn't have known the bank was gonna be robbed. Toby being unable to marry happy for a while wasn't his fault, happy was the one that offered to do it and told him to tell nobody, and she didn't tell toby at all, why didn't she tell toby? don't they share everything? Toby attacked him without reason and didn't apologize, happy didn't apologize either, when toby was yelling at him why didn't he just say that happy should have told him? why didn't he stand up for himself? was he afraid? or was it because they were his friends and not bullies to stand up to? They didn't mind bullying him. Tim leaving wasn't his fault either, why did paige blame him? why did she act so cold towards him? she said she had every right to be mad, did she? tim took the job on his own, he didn't fire him. she said tim left because of an uncomfortable situation he created, but there were many uncomfortable situations between them. She said later he took the promotion because they knew that their relatonship wouldn't work out. So it wasn't because of him, she blamed him for no reason. He thought about these situations more and more, and over time he began clutching his fists harder and his breathing turned into huffing and puffing. Each situation that popped up in his mind made him angrier. Wow, he really let them step all over him for years, there were times where he even thanked them for forgiving him when it wasn't even his fault, how much did he humiliate himself infront of them? did they like it so much? did they enjoy seeing him humiliated? he might have as well groveled. ugh, well not anymore. More importantly, why did he always let them do it? why didn't he ever stand up for himself? why did he always think it was his fault? was it this easy to fool a genius? was he really that blind? he didn't like it when they fought, so he always ended the conflict by apologizing, not knowing that he was showing weakness everytime he did so. Collins said sentiment cripples him, maybe he's not entirely wrong, paige WAS the only woman that he was actually interested in, he never had crushes in school like other kids, he never had girlfriends in his adolecence. She WAS the only woman ever capable of dealing with geniuses he met. He DID help toby, happy and sylvester in ways their parents couldn't. And if he wasn't distracted by his relationship with paige would've explored the island more efficiently and saved them much sooner, he would've noticed the inconsistency in cabe's case and verdict. Collins could have killed them a hundred times over and they wouldn't have even known what happened. His feelings kept him from being able to protect the ones valuable to him. Collins may be a psychopath, but he's also a genius, and one nearly equal to him, he understood him, he always did, that's why it was so easy for him to manipulate him as he pleased. And the worst thing to walter was that he wasn't ignorant enough to say he's entirely wrong, this rabbit hole proved to him that much. They proved to him that much.
He then thought to himself, he learned all that just from going down the rabbit hole three times for what totals about thirteen minutes. He learned more than he could in years in just thirteen minutes, on his own! Everytime he dove into this new rabbit hole he got an answer to the question he asked, but two other unanswered questions popped up in it's place. And that made him desperately want to go back in after being abruptly taken out. And everytime he came out he was gasping for air like there was no tomorrow, his heart was beating faster than when he stayed on that train, faster than when he almost died in that cave, faster than when he was on a falling plane, faster than when he almost died in a burning forest or a burning building, faster than when guns were pointed and fired at him, faster than anytime he ever faced danger or guranteed death, and it was CERTAINLY beating faster than that of someone who just held their breath for a few minutes, he knew it wasn't just because of lack of oxygen, he had missions where he was lacking oxygen like the chernobyl mission. But it wasn't fear of danger or death that made his heart beat that fast. He knew how dangerous the rabbit hole was, in fact, dangerous was an understatement, deadly was the more appropriate word choice. If he gets in too deep where touch can't bring him out, or no one is there to get him out and the bracelet malfunctions or he forgets to charge it, he's dead. But he didn't find himself afraid of it, he didn't want to get away from it, sure he didn't wanna die but still. And it's not like he actually fully grasped what it was, he still didn't fully understand this rabbit hole, all he knew was that he thinks about matters of EQ in it, and while doing it his breathing gets lower by the minute, he becomes unaware of everything, the only sense of his that works at the time is touch, he didn't even know the cause or depth of it, he couldn't understand it, it was a problem he couldn't solve. Normally he was afraid of the unknown, walter let out a mirthless huff just thinking about that word, normally. He finally realised the meaning of that word, it had none. Just a word to describe something commonly seen, man did he give it waaaaay more meaning than it actually had. He didn't understand the rabbit hole and yet he wasn't afraid of it. So not fear of the unknown either. What was it that made his heart beat that fast then? It was the first time he ever felt like this. Logic obviously dictates that he stay out of there, because it could kill him, and if it doesn't, it could cause him a stroke, brain damage, and other heath issues, his brain was his most valuable asset. The choice was SO obvious, and yet... he couldn't just stop. Everything made sense in there, there were no double meanings or things that you have to know without knowing, there wasn't anything illogical, it was just like a formula, like a jigsaw where more pieces fell in place the longer he stayed there, he put the pieces in place, he wasn't just a spectator he was learning! he was growing! he was solving the problems! the EQ problems he could never solve on his own in his entire life were finally being solved by none other than himself! he found this place beautiful, he found this experience thrilling-
THRILL
So that's what made his heart beat so fast. It wasn't because he was scared, it was because he was excited. Solving a difficult equation or saving the day never made him feel something this extreme! Nothing ever made him feel somethng this extreme. It was the first time in his life. He enjoyed it. He wanted more each time and now he wants even more. How could he enjoy a life threatening experience? and it wasn't like he was doing it to help someone or for the greater good, he was doing it for himself, he was satisfying his own desire. He could always subdue his own desires with bis mind. But THIS, this violated every logical notion he had. He wants it, he can't resist it. So he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and went in.
a few minutes later*
"aaahhh" the shock was slightly more painful, walter started breathing like there was no tomorrow and his heart was beating fast. Again. He was enjoying it even more. So the reason he fails at human interaction isn't his brain but because he wasn't taught as a child, he was scolded and scoffed at whenever he made a mistake, his parents or family rarely ever taught him anything beyond basic human interaction, megan sometimes taught him but not a lot. He always thought he had good parents, that the way they treated him was normal, hmph, this word again. He though he was the flawed one, so even THAT wasn't his fault either. The realization along with the thrill of the experience put a smile on his face. Why did his parents treat sylvester better than him on megan's cenataph? Why did they treat him like this? Why didn't teach him like any parent would? Like paige did for ralph? He desperately wanted the answer. So he gave into the temptation and went back in,
a few minutes later*
"aaaaahhhh" the shock was definitely more painful, his breathing and heartbeat were faster and more intense, he was even more thrilled, some pain remained in his wrist, but he didn't mind. He never felt like this before, he never felt that he needed something so bad. So his parents weren't good parents, he wasn't required to do more for them, THEY should've done more for him, and sylvester. ugh. He couldn't believe he called him a brother. So he already connected with his parents and all his family behind his back, he already made a thousand impressions, the reason he asked walter for help was to BRAG about it. At the day of the cenataph he wasn't connecting with his family he was FLAUNTING his connection with them to walter, and walter was foolishly happy for him. He was outcasted, shamed and ridiculed by his OWN parents and all the family sylvester spent the last year connecting to, sylvester saw it happen and didn't stand up for him, he couldn't even bother mention him to his family in the year he's been connecting with them behind his back, and neither did they bother to mention him, not even his parents. He determined his parents and biological family were no longer worth connecting with. He even got attacked by his childhood neighbours and sylvester didn't even do anything, TIM fought by his side. He thought about the countless times he helped him, collins WAS right, he DID raise sylvester from a teenager, he didn't do it for gratitude or to be repaid, he did it because he was happy to help. But now that he thinks about it, he never even said a thank you. He couldn't even get the stone from the lake. He was clutching the fabric of the right leg in his pants, his breathing was now fuming as he thought about how little sylvester stood up for him when it wasn't his fault, he just watched him take the blame. How he dated and married megan behind his back and he didn't do anything to him. He was even scared for him. Oh how much did he hold the younger man on a pedstal compared to the others, he treated him just about the same as ralph, especially in the early years of scorpion. And toby, playing that game with him and the navy seal, he fully trusted toby's words and they turned out to be strings he was pulling. How many times were like this? How much did he manipulate him? Was he the only one he manipulates? Or the whole team? Even happy? dammit! he wanted answers. So he went back in again.
almost half an hour and a couple of times later*
"AAAAaahhhh" he grabbed the wrist and clutched it hard, the pain was excruciating, his breathing and heartbeat were even faster, his hands were shaking, but he had a smile on his face, he didn't care how painful it was, he was enjoying this even more. He was figuring out even more! So toby wasn't as trustworthy as he believed, he played with him a lot, he wanted to keep him and paige apart, jealousy from being married to happy and hate from the building incident were only parts of the reason. He was threatened by walter. He all but hates him. And he KNEW that his childhood was the reason he was messed up in human interaction but he couldn't bother to help him with his haaaarvard skills, Oh how annoying he was about it, and HE was the one that told him to tell florence about his dream, and yet he didn't try to calm sylvester down at all. How he gave him conflicting advice on purpose to mess him up, he always felt like an idiot for messing up. Was his information about white lies at the ball game even true? He must have had a lot of good laughs at him. "That son of a bitch" walter was losing it, his fists were clenched harder than before and he was walking back and forth. And happy, she saw it happen a lot too and didn't do anything. All that talk about family and looking out for each other, turns out it was all just talk to her, she became like toby. She blamed him when it wasn't his fault too, she couldn't bother to stand up for him, but she didn't harm him or take him for granted like the other two, she didn't do anything, she was mostly a spectator. He wasn't mad at her, he just found her... Pathetic. And paige didn't even like tim?! then why date him? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, he wanted answers, he wanted to go back in, he wanted MORE DAMMIT!
a couple of hours and a lot of times later*
"AAAAAAHHHHHAAHHAAHH" He was writhing in pain from the shock now, his eyes were red and tears were running down his face. His hair and clothes were messy. His lower jaw, his hands and entire body were shaking, his breathing and heartbeat just as intense. But he had a grin on his face, he was laughing in between his breaths, he was enjoying it, he had so much information to process, he had so many answers, and even more questions, he wanted to go back in. He wanted EVEN MORE. HE COULDN'T LIVE WITHO-
beep* *beep* *beep*
His bracelet was beeping, it was running low on battery, he looked at the hour on the bracelet. His grin disappeared, his eyes wide open and lips parted, he was horrified. SIX O'CLOCK!? When did it get so late? he looked at the window and the sky was a reddish orange, the sun was setting. He didn't feel the time at all. He tried getting up but his knees were shaking, he tried again, this time supporting his weight on the edge of the couch, it worked! He leaned on several things on the way to the kitchen to wash his face. He arrived, he leaned on the wall and looked in the mirror. His breathing got faster after it had just settled, his eyes wide open, his lower jaw was shaking. How did he get like this?! his face and eyes were red, he looked like a psycho. The rabbit holes he had in the past didn't come anywhere near this, he was scared now, not of the danger of the rabbit hole or what it did to him or the agonizing pain of the shocks. No. What scared him was that even after all that he STILL wants even more. It didn't change his desire at all. What was this?! His greatest driving forces were either his mind and Logic or the greater good and his loved ones. But this was different, this wasn't logical, this wasn't good for him, he didn't need this. But he wants it SO BADLY. He had a realization hit him with fear.
"Oh crap, i'm addicted"
Grykon - Thanks, i won't spoil anything but i can tell you i intend to build walter's mind set with this, i don't want him fully depending on anyone else in these matters.
railman - Thanks, honestly i hated how walter was treated in s3
The 2 guests with the long comments - i 100% agree on everything except that paige didn't love walter and dated him out of nostalgia, she loves him to the point where her chemically induced worst fear is him dating another woman, and that was before they were even together, the outcomes that you said for the stooges are too easy for my taste, a lot later in the story i'm gonna soothe my anger at them, also next time put names on your comments so i can reply to you seperately