The Break Up
God it was so hard. He didn't think he'd feel this lonely so quickly.
It had only been six days. Six days since she had told him that it was the end. The end of them.
At the time he didn't put up a fight. He just stood there; his mouth gaping open. He couldn't believe that Molly was calling time on their relationship.
Couldn't believe that this was the end.
He knew it had been a hard year for them both, he truly knew that. First his catastrophic injuries that they both had to learn to deal with, and even harder still for them to recover from.
Then after the death of Smurf everything shifted again. They were both trying to get their heads around their new roles in life, her new position both professionally and personally, as well as their new relationship to work on too.
Yet he thought they were doing well. A year down the line and he thought that they were going, if not 100% full time strong, then certainly fairly bloody steady and stable. He saw them as having a future together. A long term life in his eyes with the woman he loved was on the cards. Yet the argument six days ago very much proved him otherwise.
It was an argument that he was unsure as to where it started, who started it or even, if he was honest, what it was about.
All he knew was that it was a hell of an argument. Lasting the majority of one of their very few days off together. Continuing from the first moment they woke all the way through lunch, and eventually cumulating in the evening.
The grand finale was her throwing back the keys to his flat that he had given her months ago, picking up her overnight bag and storming out the house.
Her last words echoed around the empty home now as though they were taunting him.
"You just don't see me for me Charles," was what she had screamed at him. "You never have. You've this glorified image of what I should be, who you think I am. It's exhausting. I just want to be me for God's sake."
"Molly" there was a hint of a patronising tone in his voice and he was almost sure that there was a small laugh bubbling away too. This, to him was ridiculous. He was sure though that the smirk on his face was, although he tried to disguise it, was evident to her. "Molly, I do see you for who you are. I think you are brilliant. I know exactly where you are, exactly where you come from, and it's because of that I want to be with you."
"Bullshit" she screamed back at him.
"What do you mean bullshit?" he went over to touch her, yet saw her step back, and so he immediately stopped.
"You try to control me at times," she said flapping a hand by her side in exasperation. "I sometimes think that you see me as a project rather than an equal."
"Christ I've heard some crap come from your mouth, but that's one of the biggest piles of crap ever." His voice was too raised, too sharp. He watched her initially flinch. Then he saw the interminable Molly Dawes return. Shoulder squared and she drew herself up to her full height. She was formidable sight!
"See that's what I mean… you saying something like that. I'm trying to express myself here the best as I can. I might not of had the fancy schooling you had, so I'm different in how I say things, and I want you to listen to them."
"I do honestly." He softened. "But to say that I control you, that you're a project. Bloody hell Molly if I do anything, say anything, it's because I love you."
"So, you're admitting that you do it now are you?"
"You're twisting my words" he said exasperated and went into the kitchen. Grabbing the empty glass of wine and filling it vigorously to the top. Sometimes Molly's arguments were pointless. Sometimes arguing with Molly was pointless. He never really understood where she came from, or where this level of self-doubt lived in her, because if he bloody did, he would route it out, kick it up the arse and rehome it.
She had no right to feel as though she doubted herself or worse, that he doubted her. He thought he'd shown her over the past year just how much he loved her and believed in her. He thought that they were moving forward, yet tonight's argument proved that no matter what he did for her, no matter how he supported her, encouraged her, it obviously wasn't enough. Molly didn't like herself and until she started to like herself then it was pointless him even trying.
"I take it that's it then?" She said as he turned his back and walked into the kitchen, as she shouted from the hall. She had not tried to follow him. "That's the end of discussion. The mighty Charles James has decided that we ain't going to talk about this no more. Bloody typical he's said what he needed to say and that's that." Her voice quivered but no tears would ever come. Her pride prevented that.
She heard an angry muttering quietly from the kitchen in response. "Fuck's sake Molly." Yet he didn't come out of the kitchen, he didn't see the point in it anymore.
"Fine!" she said. "If you can't be bothered to talk about this. If you can't be bothered to hear me out then that's it Charles… it's over. I'm done with this; I'm done with feeling like I'm a bloody charity case." And with that she slammed the door and left.
He stood in the kitchen absolutely paralysed. The sound of his keys being slammed down reverberated around the room.
Unbelieving that she had walked out. They'd had heated conversations before. Hell, they had had numerous arguments over the many months, but she'd never walked out, and she'd never uttered the words it was over.
Slumping back on the settee, repeating her words in his head again and again he realised just how sad they made him.
It was over. That's what she had said.
He was hurt. His heart hurt because he loved Molly, but also his pride hurt.
Never in his 31 years of living had he heard those words directed at him. Not even from Rebecca. Her exit had been cold and calculated and occurred not even in his presence. She had merely packed up and left while he was away on yet another tour. Heartlessly writing to him of her decision and their change in living arrangements. He couldn't be sad though when it had happened. Just regretful, concerned for what it meant for Sam and his reputation.
He'd expected her to return, Molly that was. He'd hoped she'd return. He didn't believe that a silly little argument about her applying for a new posting would cause so much anger from her. He hadn't expected the response. A response he though was unjustified. He instead expected that when he suggested it, she would've listened to him and then applied.
And so, after the first mention of it he had given her a few days and when she hadn't mentioned it anymore or told him that she had submitted the necessary forms, he mentioned it to her again.
Again, he left it few days after that, and once again queried as to why she hadn't submitted the forms. Her reply was less than satisfactory or enthusiastic. So for now Charles had let the matter drop.
Yet patience wasn't a virtue he knew too well, and almost a week after originally mentioning it he couldn't stand it anymore. This time though trying to avoid an argument which he knew would be coming, he pulled some strings and contacted one of his mates on the camp to see if she had applied. The answer was no. This shocked him. He'd honestly expected her to do as he had suggested. So, when he returned home to find her happily dancing around the kitchen without a care in the world he thought it might be a good time to mention that he'd noticed she hadn't handed in her application.
He knew immediately the words had left his mouth that it was a bad idea. It had been the wrong thing to do on so many levels. Yet up to that point he'd had no doubt that what he'd done was the right thing.
He saw the change. From the happy Molly to the combustible one. The change was stratospheric. She stopped mid food prep and turned around, her eyes dark and wide in astonishment.
"You did what?"
"Checked with the admissions team," he said as though she had not heard him the first time. Still however not fully understanding the gravity of his actions immediately. "Thought that there might have been an oversight, that you might have missed something."
"You bloody well checked up on me?" She seethed. "You checked up to see if I'd applied for post that you thought I should apply for? A posting I said I didn't want to apply for. A posting I said I didn't think was a good idea and it wasn't the right time. A posting I told you right her in this bloody kitchen when you first mentioned it, that it wasn't right for me?"
"You didn't mean that though?" He said then looked at the anger on her face. "Did you?"
"Yes, I bloody did Charles, that's why I didn't apply for it. I thought you understood and I don't appreciate you pulling rank and checking up on me. Christ how's that going to look to the people I work with? My boyfriend checking up on me to make sure that I'm doing what I should be doing."
"No one's going to see you like that." He moved towards her. He was hopeful. "They're just going to see that I was doing a bit of prying because I care."
"Well, if you cared Charles you would listen to what I'm saying. It ain't the right posting for me. It's not something I want to do, it's not a place I want to go to and it just doesn't feel right."
He ran his fingers threw his hair wondering how in the past five minutes from finishing the shittiest day at work, to looking forward to seeing her at his house for a lovely couple of days off together, that it turned to shit so quickly.
"But I'm telling you it is right for you Molly. I know what you like. You don't think anything is right for you and I can see that this is. I just thought you just needed a bit of encouragement."
"Encouragement." She blew out. "You can just give me as much as you bloody like, but don't go interfering if I've already made a decision."
"But you haven't made a decision," he shouted back. "It's just you haven't submitted the forms."
"Q.E.D. Charles fucking James. That means I'd made a decision. If I hadn't submitted the bloody forms it means I didn't want to submit the bloody forms and apply." She turned her back on him.
He walked out the room. Slightly impressed with her abbreviated Latin phrases, but still exasperated.
They spent the rest of the evening in silence. The tea was eaten in an ice cold stony silence. He wondered how his plate survived the assault from the cutlery as she chopped into the meat and vegetables.
His pillows took a pounding as they lay in bed many many inches apart. There was no good night kiss. There was not a hint of a ceasefire as the lights were turned off. When he woke in the morning, he knew that the day was going to be shit unless he rectified it. So, with new determination he started the peace talks.
"Sorry I pissed you off." He got some encouragement as she half smiled at him as they lay next to each other. "The thing is I just know this would be a perfect opportunity for you Dawes."
Immediate she sat up straight on the bed's edge.
"My name is Molly." She said looking at him over her shoulder "You always use Dawes when you want to try to tell me to do something."
"I don't." But secretly he knew that maybe he did. "The thing is…. Molly… this is a great opportunity for you; it's another step on the ladder. It's something you shouldn't pass up. It's worth it. Putting yourself out there."
"But it's not what I want." She said quietly.
"You say that now Molly but I know that's not true. If you just stop and think, and look at it from a professional, even sensible way."
"A professional sensible way." She bit back.
"It's the right thing to do for your career. You don't want to be stuck as a private for the rest of your life." He felt he was getting somewhere.
"Who says?" She snapped back at him. "Who says I don't want to? Who says I even want to stay in the bleeding Army for the rest of my working life?"
"You don't mean that Molly. I'm very proud of the soldier you've become. I can see you doing great things. All you need is a bit of a direction."
"Direction?"
"Yes direction." He clarified. "I'm somebody who has been there. Got the T-shirt, I even have got the fucking medal."
"I've got the fucking medals too if you hadn't noticed!" She very rarely threw her accolades in his face, but today was one of those days. "I didn't just get them for looking after you, or just by saving your bloody arse. It was for doing my bloody job; something that I'm really good at. Something that I can do without your help mate."
She jumped out of the bed went to the ensuite and slammed the bathroom door.
It wasn't a difficult choice for him. He just couldn't understand it. She was brilliant. He knew it, she knew it and so why the hell wasn't she just accepting his help in understanding that.
He quickly followed her out of the bed and shouted through the bathroom door. "You're being naïve Molly there's opportunities just waiting for you and you're just not taking them. I get that your scared. You need this posting. You want to stay in the Army, don't you? Well, if you do take this chance, cause from what I've seen before the Army you had very few of those. Remember being in is the best thing that's ever happened to you."
The whoosh of the wind as she open the bathroom door with such a force startled him and made him realise that the words that had come spewing from his mouth were wrong. For peace to reign they were far from what she had needed him to say. He saw the anger on her face and briefly considered that perhaps he should have held it in, and let her cool down.
"It isn't the best bloody thing in my life. I've got plenty that I'm proud about." She snapped back.
"Oh yeah name another one." He challenged.
She stood there open mouthed.
"Well at least I'm not gonna let the Army ruin my bloody life."
"Didn't know I had" He knew that snip was directed at him, but still he tried speaking in a nicer tone. Trying to knock her off her venomous guard.
"Screwed your marriage up; messed up your relationship with your kid didn't it." She spoke quickly counting off on her fingers. Instantly regretting it. Molly knew that she'd gone too far. The rage that appeared on Charles' face there and then was astronomical.
He turned away. Yet she didn't have it in her to follow him. She didn't have it in her to apologise at this moment in time as he was being condescending. He was trying to control her.
Sometimes she could see exactly what Rebecca's reasons were in ending their marriage. However even though angered by his treatment of her she was very wrong to throw his tenuous relationship with Sam in his face. She knew he tried with Sam. She knew he desperately tried with Sam. And to be honest the relationship wasn't bad. It was quite good. It was a relationship far better than something she had ever had or ever would have with her father.
And so, the day continued. The day of them sniping and arguing with each other. The day where Molly said things that she wasn't proud of; as did Charles. The day when Charles thought he had tried again and again to get her to see his side of the argument. A day where Molly wanted to try to make Charles to see that this posting was not right for her. Maybe one day, maybe in time, but now she was just getting settled. So much had changed. She wanted to be with a section that she really knew. She had her beloved two section taken away from her because of her relationship with Charles, not that she'd have ever been able to go back after the traumatic death of Smurf. So she had embraced this new section, had made friends with the people in it, and wanted to remain with them for a little bit longer.
She wanted stability. It had been a hard year. One that she would never give up on, or exchange because it brought her love and a greater understanding. But it had been hard struggling with Charles' injuries, the guilt of what she may or may not have done wrong on her last tour and coming to terms in identifying herself as being something a lot more than she ever thought that she would ever be.
It's true she knew she had Charles to partly thank for that, but she also knew deep down it was due to her own guts, her own perseverance and her own bloody mindedness that had got her so far. She appreciated his help, and his advice but she did not appreciate his interference or his attempt to control her and that's what she saw this as. Whether he meant to or not.
Ironically it had been Sam who had started Charles on the road to enlightenment. In the days of the total silence, in the absence of her from his life, he walked around with absolute certainty that he was in the right. What she had done, how she had behaved was childishly and once again was being reckless in relation to losing everything. He honestly believed this was the right decision for her. And so, he would have continued in that belief if his son hadn't showed him otherwise.
It was one of Charles' not too frequent enough weekends with Sam. His son who he was incredibly proud of and loved more than he ever thought he could love a human being. He always made an effort with Sam. Charles tried to stay away from the traditional weekend father type activities. Avoided the fast food burger restaurants and tried always to do exciting things with Sam, and latterly with Molly in tow too.
Sam was now a bright and bubbly seven-year-old with a sense of humour and adventure that he inherited from his father, certainly not from his mother.
So, with a Molly free weekend he had decided that they would both try paddle boarding. Something Charles was quite amazed that Sam was wanting to do. He knew he wasn't the strongest swimmer and didn't really like the water, but he along with Molly had both been trying hard at their swimming lessons. So, when Charles had first suggested it, to his amazement Sam immediately agreed.
The day had been perfect, the weather great, conditions fabulous. The lesson was fun and Sam seemed to have enjoyed it. Charles watched his brave determined son and he was proud.
They chatted and joked all day. Everything seemed perfect. It was only late in the evening when Charles was sitting down watching some Disney cartoon with a pizza on his lap shared with Sam, that he realised his mistake. That he might have a tiny fault in his personality.
"You did really well today Sam." Charles said, "I'm really proud; didn't think that you'd be so good."
"Thank you Daddy" Sam said and he appeared to be quite engrossed in the film.
"Did you enjoy it?" Something was niggling at Charles. "Do you think you'd want to do it again?"
"No, I don't think so" Sam said quietly.
"No? But you were brilliant at it."
Sam said, "I was okay."
Charles put the pizza down, pressed the remote control and paused the film. Turning to his son as he noticed the inflection in the tone of his voice.
"You were great Scamp, you picked it up really well."
"Daddy I never stood up once….and fell in a lot."
"Yes but you nearly stood up; you got to kneeling that's great."
"Wasn't as good as you."
"For your first time scamp you were brilliant. We should do it again; you'll get better, it's what you should do."
Sam give a weak nod and Charles saw the tears building in his eyes.
"Scamp what's the matter?" he said as he shifted the pizza box.
"I want to be good at it Daddy I really do, and I want to like it I really do, but I don't think I'll ever will be, and I don't really think I like it. The water scares me."
Charles was shocked, and humbled as Sam started to cry. He immediately pulled him in for a cuddle.
"If you don't want to do it then we won't do it. I just thought it was something fun and you were good at it. That's all but if you don't want to, I will never push you into doing something you don't want to do."
Sam wiped his nose on his Daddy's T-shirt. "Thank you" he said quietly. He didn't release Charles from the hug thought, instead he just held his Daddy tighter.
"Sam" Charles said really quietly. "You know Daddy loves you no matter what. Whatever you do or don't do Daddy will always love you. And you don't have to do things to make Daddy happy. He's always happy when he's around you."
"I just want us to be friends" Sam said sobbing.
"We will always be friends Scamp. If you don't want to do something because you don't feel right about it then you must just tell me. I promised I will never force you or push you to do it. I'll always listen."
Just then Charles realised the hypocrisy of his words. He'd never want to push his son into being something or doing something that he couldn't do or wasn't. He'd never want to push. To be that type of person. Encourage yes, but if Sam said no and didn't like it and it was making him upset then he wouldn't push the point.
Yet he realised that maybe that was just what he'd been doing. Not just to Sam but to others too. Especially Molly. She had told him several times that this posting wasn't for her. That it wasn't right at this time, but he hadn't listened. He hadn't moved his opinions from what he thought, to listening to opinions from her about what she thought.
It was only much later when Sam was in bed, once more a happy boy, that Charles understood that perhaps more than once in his life he'd got it wrong. Yes, he was a professional who had to have certainty and confidence in his opinions, and his decisions, but he was also a person, somebody struggling to be the boyfriend of Molly Dawes and a good Daddy to Sam. He saw that he needed to shed off the confidence that came with his rank and experience and become a boyfriend that potentially did not have all the answers in this relationship.
He picked up his mobile phone, briefly checking that once again there were no messages or missed calls from Molly. Knowing that this was his wrong that needed to be made right.
He dialled without hesitating her number. Hoping she would answer but expected her still being angry that it would go straight to voicemail. He waited tapping his fingers nervously on his knee trying to compose what he needed to say.
She answered the phone eventually. A dull flat hello greeted him. He regretted not rehearsing more what he was going to say.
The very weak feeble hello as she answered however was startlingly. She sounded tired, vulnerable, and very unsure and that broke his heart. He'd hurt her…. again.
"I'm sorry" he said before he even thought about what he was going to say. Yet he knew those opening words were the right ones and he knew they came from a good place in his heart. "I shouldn't have pushed you. I was wrong."
"You were" she said quietly "you really were."
"I hurt you, didn't I?" He had once promised her that he never would again, and he understood he'd broken that promise. "I said I never wanted to do that and I said I never would if I could help it."
"Yeah, you did. Hurt me that is." She said no more.
Charles waited.
"I regret it and I'm sorry." He heard her draw breath.
"The thing is Charles you always think that you're right. And you ain't in this case. I am. This really isn't the right thing for me to do."
"I know. Well at least I think I know. I mean I want you to make me understand; that is, I don't really know. I don't really understand but I'm happy to listen to you and honestly baby if it's something that you don't want to do then I'll be behind you all the way. 100%."
"Baby!" she giggled. "You ain't never called me that before."
"Just seemed right I guess." He accepted her mocking even though it stung slightly.
"You been spending too much time with Elvis mate." Charles noted that she sounded happier.
"Yeah? Well guess I've had to. You see my best friend walked out and I haven't heard from her for a few days. So, I've kind of been a little bit bored."
"I'm your best friend?" She asked him. "You think of me as your best friend?"
"Without a doubt Molly. You and Sam… best friends forever."
"Yeah." She sounded happy now. "So how is Scamp?"
"Wise beyond his years."
"What?"
"I mean I would have got there eventually; I really would have. That is in realising what an arse I've been and how I've been bullying you into accepting this posting…"
"If…" She replied, "had I been offered it!"
"Yes okay…." he admitted. "If you'd applied and if it had been offered; but you know I think you're brilliant, so that was never in doubt in my mind."
"Get to the point Charles. What's Sam got to do with this?" She started to worry that maybe he'd been forced to call her by his son.
"Well, it's just that he made me realise that perhaps I sometimes expect things from people, and when they don't want to give those things that… well he'll Molly, that maybe I don't listen."
"Maybe you don't" she said kindly "but maybe we all don't. I know it came from a good place Charles."
"Molly tell me honestly; you don't think I'm a bully, do you?"
"Bully? Hell Charles never. I mean I know you're a bit up your own arse, and almost certain that you're always right…. but not a bully. Never."
"That's good." The level of self-reflection over the past few hours had left a few doubts in his mind.
"What the bleeding hell did Sam do or say? It's normally me who has the self-doubts. You're normal dead sound about who you are."
"Oh, it was nothing… it was something to do with me taking him paddle boarding."
"Paddle boarding? He'd bloody hate that. You know he's scared of open water!" she said to quickly, then bit her tongue.
"Shit even you got it. Well yes, I realise that now, but I thought it might have been a good thing to do together and he went along with it. He went along with it Molly just for me… just to please me. Scared himself just to please me."
"That kid loves you. That why he did it."
"And I love him Molly but I don't ever want to push him to do anything that he doesn't want to do. And he kind of made me realise that was what I've been doing with you."
"Not all the time Charles" she said kindly. "Just sometimes, just every now and again and I get it I honestly do. It's kind of what you do Monday to Friday 9 to 5. Telling people what to do."
"So, I guess we're good now?"
"Not quite" she said. "Think I need to apologise for what I said. You are a good dad Charles, and you always try to put Sam first as best as you can. You've got nothing to regret there. I've seen how much you love him."
"Thanks" he said quietly, "Are we all good now?"
"Yeah, guess we are."
"It's not just Sam. I mean I love you as well Molly" he said "very much. I wanna get better at this relationship thing. I want to get better at it because I don't want this to end and I want you to be able to know that I'm here to support you even if I don't agree. I'll always try to think about what's best for you and be the best that you have."
"You already are baby" she said softly back into the phone.
"So, what now?" he said. "You're there and I'm here."
"I don't know about you Charles James but I'm bloody lonely and could do with a cuddle. So, I guess if you're free you're always welcome to pop over and see me."
"What do you mean as in now?" He was already standing hunting for his keys and then stopped dead. "Shit forgot Sam is upstairs asleep."
"Oh God yes, course forgot about that too." She laughed.
"You could always come here. Sam would be delighted to see you in the morning."
"Sam would be delighted! Only him mate? Anyway, once again a bit premature there aren't you? We've only just made up. Who says I'm stopping the night?"
He laughed at her joking. "Thought make up sex was the best? I think we both know though Molly that once you get through those doors, I'm going to hold you and I'm never going to let you go."
"Ever?" She questioned playfully but waited for no reply. "Well sounds like a bloody good plan to me Captain James I'll be there in 10 minutes."