Hello everyone,
Thank you for your reviews on Daughter of Alderaan. Every one of them is greatly appreciated.
Here is a one-shot from Padmé's point of view about some of the secrets she kept in her life. It has always stuck me that she was entirely alone most of her pregnancy in every way that counted… and that would be exceedingly isolating, along with the weight of keeping so many secrets.
No One Else
I didn't tell anyone else.
"Congratulations," the nurse said, beaming. Remarkably, she didn't recognize me. Naturally, it had been the intention behind going to a doctor in the mid-levels of Coruscant. Yet the sensation seemed as novel as the fluttering of the new life inside my abdomen. "You're having a baby."
A baby. I was having a baby. But even as the happiness and sheer overwhelming joy blossomed inside me… I couldn't help but think that the statement should've been a we. But since my Annie was not with me… and since I could hardly reach him now… it was an I. I could never be so selfish as to take him from the war now, when he was most needed.
Therefore: Congratulations. I was having a baby.
And I didn't tell anyone; I couldn't tell anyone. Who could be my confessor? We had promised each other on the day of our vows that we wouldn't tell anyone of our marriage. Or… in this case… anyone it had spawned.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I'd been so nervous that night. Naturally, I knew the mechanics of the concept, and so did Anakin, but we'd had no idea what we were doing. Yet love found a way.
After, as we lay exhausted and infatuated and so very complete, I smiled at him. "I can't wait to see my sister's face when she learns how right she was."
But his eyes had widened so like saucers. "We can't tell anyone about this, Angel. You can't tell anyone."
And I realized with a jolt that he was right, of course. Telling anyone… even me telling my own sister… could lead to disastrous consequences for both of our futures. The Jedi needed Anakin, and he needed the Jedi; to lose that would cripple every good thing within his troubled heart. And the Senate needed me.
And now, this child. This gift of joy. Of terror. This gift we had given each other. This gift I had now to carry alone.
Who could be my confessor? The listener to my ever-growing list of secrets? No one. Not Bail or Mon or my mother or sister or father. Not even my unreachable husband, a deserving party to this new journey I'd embarked upon.
So, I didn't tell anyone. It was me and the MD droid I purchased under the guise of monitoring my health more closely. Another lie. One that got Moteé crinkling her nose in evident confusion (given my apparently perfect health), but she did my bidding nonetheless—confused, but willing.
Because I didn't tell anyone.
"Senator," said MD, "congratulations."
"Thank you, MD. But I already know that I'm pregnant."
"Yes. But you are carrying twins."
Twins. Oh, Anakin. Sometimes, I cried for him at night. I've always been one to keep a stiff upper lip; political training bred it into me from so very young. One can't break down in the midst of a negotiation as the queen of her world. But no amount of stricture and training could prepare for the vulnerability, the joy, the fear, the torrent of emotion and symptoms and questions that arose when one had not one but two lives growing within her. So, sometimes I cried.
But I didn't tell anyone that, either. Secret joys to myself. Secret sorrows. Secret politics. All secret, always. Secrets and lies.
Lies like: "I'm sorry, Bail. I can't visit Alderaan right now. I'm drowning in work for the debates over the Taldot sector tariffs. Please, give my regards and my regrets to Breha." Because I couldn't leave my med-droid for a whole week. Not in the second trimester. Certainly, I couldn't ask for an MD in the Aldera palace. Not because they didn't have any, but because then I'd have to tell them and…
I wasn't telling anyone. Not until he came home and we sorted through exactly what we would do… and how we would do it.
Then, one day, he did come back home. Another moment of joy and of terror. And I told him. And he said, "This is the happiest day of my life." I saw it, too. The pure joy in his eyes. He said not to worry… and for that eternal instant I didn't.
We would be happy together. Surely, it would all work. Somehow…
But I didn't tell him about it being twins. That was my own good secret. My own special surprise.
Now, I am so glad I didn't. But not because I got to surprise my Anakin. Because someday… I pray… they will.
My Luke. My Leia. May they shock and dazzle what my Anakin has become… and bring him back to the light as I know he can be brought back; there's still good in him, I know it. May they all be safe. May they all be loved. May they all know that I love them still. May they stop Palpatine in all his insidious designs.
They have a chance, my children. They have a hope. No—they are the hope. My hope. The galaxy's hope.
The long night has begun… but even so some of us dream of the dawn…
Because I didn't tell anyone else. Not Anakin. Not Mon. Certainly not Palpatine. The only ones who know are the ones who should know. Who have to know.
But no one else.
…~oOo~…
If you enjoyed reading, please leave a review. Also, let me know if I should continue with more one-shots like this one. If you'd like to request a character/ reflection, feel free to do so.
Warmly,
Rivkah