A short epilogue for those of you who might be curious about what William wrote in the note he left for Julia.
This chapter takes place five years after the previous chapter.
It was a cool, crisp Saturday afternoon in Toronto. Autumn had dressed the city's trees in vivid colors, and they shone gloriously as they stood tall against the brilliant blue sky, their leaves dancing as soft breezes wafted through the branches.
Julia Ogden sighed with satisfaction as she gazed at the bright scenery from her bedroom window. Finally, after years of detours and roadblocks, she was exactly where she'd wanted to be all along...sharing a beautiful new residence with William, the man she loved so dearly.
The overwhelming sense of contentment she felt was almost enough to move her to tears. She was incredibly happy, so much so that there were no words to describe the elation she felt. Smiling to herself, she murmured blissfully. "I'm so fortunate to be at this place in my life. A lovely home...a fulfilling career...and a remarkable husband. I'm not sure I deserve to be this delighted with my life..."
Turning away from the window, her gaze fell on the cartons that were stacked on the floor next to her. "However, it's time to concentrate on more mundane affairs...such as unpacking these boxes. Now, where should I put these things?"
After lifting the lid from the box nearest to her, she giggled softly. "My journals!" Picking up the notebook on top, she quickly thumbed through it. "All of my ancient history is hidden away within these old booklets. I know they'll take up a lot of space in my closet, but I can't bear the thought of throwing them away…"
For some reason, a memory suddenly popped up in her mind, and spurred on by the thought, she rummaged through the box until she found a particular journal. "Here we are...the last half of 1899...what a tumultuous time that was for me…"
She skimmed through the pages of the battered notebook until she came to November's entries. "Hmm...let's see. Yes, I remember...William had been wounded while traveling with a posse, and I was scolded by that pompous ass, Dr. Joachim, when I went to check on him at the hospital. Dr. Joachim's undeserved ire caused such a ruckus that Darcy wanted me to give up my medical practice so my supposedly inappropriate behavior wouldn't impede his career, but, after much consideration, I refused to do so...and in fact, I decided to pursue additional education so I could become a psychiatrist. I still remember Darcy's shocked expression when I told him that..." She sighed wistfully. "I suppose that's the point where things began to go rapidly downhill for our marriage...since, after much soul-searching, I'd finally recognized what I really wanted out of life, and much to Darcy's chagrin, it wasn't being married to him. So we parted, which wounded his pride terribly...and I feel sure he blamed William for everything that happened..." She shook her head as she closed the notebook. "Even with all the tragedy and pain that occurred afterwards, I still believe I made the correct choices...both for my career and for my life…"
Deciding not to spoil her pleasant mood, she shrugged as she studied the journal's faded cover. "However, I don't have time to read any further right now. I need to unpack these boxes and put things away. No more procrastinating!"
Intending to read it later, she tossed the notebook on her bed, and was surprised to see a small envelope slide out from between its pages. "What's this?" Picking it up, she smiled as she read the neatly printed inscription.
To Julia Ogden. To be opened only in the event of my death. William Murdoch
"Goodness! I had forgotten all about this letter!" She sat down on the edge of the bed with a heavy sigh, overcome by a rush of emotions. "I was so angry at William for going with that blasted posse...and then I was so happy...so relieved...to have him safely home again." She ran her fingers over the inscription. "I know I should've returned this note to him with the rest of his personal papers when he got back home, but...he didn't ask about it, did he? And perhaps I was being overly sentimental in choosing to keep it...especially since it isn't really proper for a married woman to keep a personal note from another man. I'm sure Darcy would've been mortified if he'd known how pleased I was to find this note with the other papers William had entrusted with me. It did give me a little thrill to think that he cared enough to leave this memento for me, didn't it?" Laughing softly, she shook her head, murmuring to herself. "I suppose the truth is that I kept it because I was quite curious about its contents...and if I'm honest with myself, even though William returned safely, I was planning to peek inside the envelope someday, wasn't I? So I put it in my journal to read it later, and then in all the upheaval with my failing marriage to Darcy, and then with his tragic death and its aftermath, I forgot all about it."
As she gently traced the edges of an envelope, she began to smile. There was a very simple way to find out what the enclosed note said, if she so desired. All that was needed was a little cajoling on her part...
Rising from the bed, she walked to the room's doorway and called her husband. "Oh, William? Would you come to our bedroom, please? There's something I want to show you…"
Although he was engrossed in refining the heating circuits for their new home's potato cooking room, Murdoch's ears perked up as he heard Julia's voice. "She wants to show me something? Now? In our bedroom?"
As he considered his wife's request, William's heart skipped a beat. When she spoke to him with that certain lilt in her voice…'oh WIL-liam'...it usually meant that she had something quite particular in mind...something such as his fulfilling his husbandly duties for her. Holding her lithe body in his arms as they made love in the middle of the afternoon was a temptation he couldn't resist, no matter how much recalibration was needed on the potato cooking system. "Oh yes...I think I can easily accommodate her wishes…"
He quickly consulted his watch. It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. They had an engagement at 8 o'clock that evening...so, if he was efficient, they'd have time to make love and then enjoy a pleasant nap before they had to prepare to leave for the soiree.
"Just a minute, Julia." He sprinted over to lock the front door, just in case Constable Crabtree should decide to pay an unexpected visit. We can't have anyone barging in when we're...involved...in such an intimate way...
"Coming, Darling…" Breathless with anticipation, he couldn't help but grin as he stood in the bedroom's doorway, admiring the charming vision before him. Even in her dusty work clothes, Julia was the most beautiful woman he'd ever known...and it was exhilarating as he once again considered his good fortune...that she was indeed his wife!
She was sitting on the edge of the bed, studying some sort of notebook. Her faded blue cotton shirtwaist was partially unbuttoned, allowing him a sly peek at the lace and blue velvet ribbon which trimmed the camisole she wore underneath. Her tawny hair was caught in a thick plait, but several tendrils had escaped to frame her lovely face in a most enchanting way. "Julia…," he sighed quietly. "Do you need me?"
"Always, William." She wore a dazzling smile as she patted the spot next to her. "Please...come sit with me…"
"You're so lovely…" He wore a naughty grin as he sat down next to her and took her into his arms. "...but you look tired from all the unpacking you've been doing, Darling. Perhaps you should rest. I believe a nap is in order...for both of us…"
"Hmm...that sounds delightful…" She giggled softly, snuggling next to him as he gently caressed her. "But I want to show you something first…"
"Oh, I already know what I want to see…" His nimble fingers began to unfasten the rest of the buttons on her shirtwaist. "The camisole you're currently wearing is my favorite. I love the way that pale blue ribbon looks against your exquisite skin..."
"William…" She kissed him tenderly before taking his hands in hers. "We'll have plenty of time for that, but first...I want you to look at this…" She handed him the small envelope. "I found it when I was putting some of my old journals away."
He grimaced in disgust as he read the inscription. "Oh no! I can't believe you still have this silly item..."
"What's wrong?" Julia was astonished at his apparent distress. "I thought you'd be amused…"
Scratching the back of his neck, he shook his head. "Not really." Puffing out a sigh, he quickly handed the envelope back to her. "I...I wrote some things in that note that...were not exactly...appropriate...for a woman who was married to another man...to read. I'm afraid the sentiments I included are quite overwrought...and far too emotional to be in good taste..."
"And you're embarrassed about that? Why? William, this was written five years ago, and given the circumstances, with you preparing to leave for a dangerous expedition, I'm sure you'd be excused if you were extravagant with your emotions! And besides, I'm married to you now, so what may have been inappropriate at the time is surely no longer a problem…"
"Perhaps…" Blushing a bit, he shrugged sheepishly. "...but at the time...I was feeling so dejected...so morose...and I'm afraid what I wrote reflected those feelings…and besides, I think I'd be ashamed to know that you've read it. I'd feel...so exposed...as being such a poor wordsmith..."
He was surprised to hear Julia giggle. Rolling his eyes, he glared at her. "Let me guess...although I rather you didn't, you want to read it anyway…even if it embarrasses me horribly. In fact, my being self-conscious about what I wrote probably makes you more determined to know what that note says..."
"Yes, of course I want to know! Why wouldn't I? After all you've said, I can't imagine what sort of florid prose might be contained in this love note…and now my curiosity is piqued..." She chuckled softly at her husband's discomfort. "I'm sure there's nothing wrong with what you wrote, William, but if it bothers you that much I'll put it away for now, because, of course, I wouldn't dream of reading this note without your permission..."
"Right. Of course not." He scowled a bit, knowing that, one way or another, her curiosity would eventually get the best of her, and she'd be desperate to read that ridiculous note, no matter how much he detested the idea. "Well, there is a very good reason I wanted you to wait until after I was dead before you read it. You see, I know how truly dreadful it is, and I'm not sure I want you to tease me about writing such drivel for the next thirty years or so…"
"Oh, it can't be that bad, can it?" She batted her eyelashes at him as she held up the envelope for his perusal. "Please? I promise not to laugh when I read it…at least not very much..." Seeing his hesitation, she decided it was time to press her point. "If I remember correctly, there was a time when you stated your conviction that a husband's primary concern should be his wife's happiness…"
"So the one time you actually listen to me, it's about something that can now be used against me?" Crossing his arms over his chest, William feigned a pout. "I see how it goes…"
"Please, William?" She smirked as she gently brushed her hand against his inner thigh. "You know, the sooner we resolve this small issue, the sooner we can move on to more stimulating activities…"
"Now you're resorting to bribery to get your way, aren't you? Bribing a member of the constabulary is against the law, you know." Biting his lip to keep from laughing out loud, he pretended to glare at her. "And you're convinced that reading that silly note will make you happy?"
She nodded primly. "Yes…I'm sure it will please me very much. It'll help me understand you better..."
He grunted softly, knowing she'd beaten him in an argument yet again. I wonder if I'll ever be able to deny my wife anything, if she wants it bad enough. "Fine…" Crossing his arms over his chest, he heaved a noisy sigh. "Go ahead…"
Deciding that a hasty retreat might help him save face, he tried to rise from his seat, but Julia grabbed his arm. "Where do you think you're going, William?"
"I don't want to listen to you giggling about what I wrote when I was an overly emotional young man." He grimaced nervously as she tugged on his hand. "Julia…please..."
"I think it's only fair that you stay and bite the bullet over this, especially since you've read some of the purple prose I'd written in my journals as a very young woman. Remember the entries about the handsome Hungarian physician I met in Prague? I believe you found them quite amusing as you read them aloud to me over lunch one day..."
"Oh…well..." Rolling his eyes, he groaned to himself. "Alright...if you insist, I'll stay." He slowly sank onto the bed. "Let's get this over with…"
"You're being terribly silly, William. You know I would never deliberately hurt your feelings by laughing at something you wrote for me." Julia giggled as she pointed to the lettering on the envelope's flap, reminding her not to peek at the note if he wasn't deceased. "You knew me so well even then. You knew I'd be dying to see what was inside…"
He flashed a dimpled smile. "You have an almost frustrating curiosity, Julia...so yes, I knew it would aggravate you a great deal if I asked you to wait awhile to read it…"
"Just as I thought! You did it on purpose!" Laughing, she ran her finger under her flap and removed the note. "Let's see what we have here…"
She unfolded the page and began to read it aloud.
-0-
October 10, 1899
My dearest Julia,
As I write this letter, I'm preparing to go on a journey fraught with danger, and there is no guarantee for its successful conclusion, and, by extension, my return to Toronto is also in doubt. Therefore, I feel as if there are some things I must explain to you before I undertake this trek, mostly to set my own mind at ease. My motives are quite selfish in this matter, but I hope, as my dear friend, that you'll be willing to forgive me for being so indelicate...and so bold...as to write such a personal note to a married woman. However, I can no longer maintain my silence on certain subjects in the face of my possible demise.
If you are reading this letter, then news of my death has certainly reached you by now. It is my hope that my death was not in vain...that our purpose for the posse was realized and our goals achieved. Whatever the outcome, however, please know that I was doing something that I believed to be the correct choice...that it was something in which I could take pride. By taking on this task, I believe I will have served my purpose here on this earth. Please rest assured...because of my strong faith, I do not fear death. I will be at peace with whatever fate should befall me while I'm on this expedition.
What I do fear...what I would regret more than anything else I've ever done in my life...is not seeing you once more before I die. I long to tell you everything I feel for you…to see your beautiful face one more time...to hold you close and kiss you tenderly...
Of course, it is sinful for me to covet another man's wife in that fashion, but it seems, despite my discomfort and shame about those feelings, that I cannot help myself. Believe me, Julia...I have tried to let you go. Knowing that you are now happily married to another, I have tried to move on. I've tried to find someone else to love, but apparently, that's simply not possible. As the years have gone by, I've come to realize that no one can take your place in my life, because no one else has moved me so profoundly. No other woman has stirred my soul the way you have.
And yet, because of the depth of my feelings for you, it seems so trite to simply say 'I love you'. What I feel for you is so much stronger than those three words can convey. You inspire me...you make me want to be a better man...you challenge me...you listen to me...you make me feel as if I belong in this world...you make me feel courageous in the face of uncertainty...you make me feel stronger than I ever imagined I could be. You make me feel so many things in ways I never thought possible. So how can those mundane words...I love you...describe the deep, abiding, awe-inspiring passion I hold in my heart for you? It's impossible for me to describe how much I need you! You are as necessary for my survival as air and water...and, you're a balm for my soul. I'm certain no other woman could possibly take your place in my heart...and I'm not sure my life would be worth living if you were not a part of it in some way.
However, as you married to someone else now, where does this leave me? Am I a man who'll remain despondent in the face of unrequited love? Shall I simply waste away because you will never be mine?
No. I choose not to look at things that way. I choose instead to remember the love you and I had together, even if it lasted for all too short a season. I know it sounds ridiculous, clinging to a memory like that, but that memory offers me a great deal of comfort, knowing that an amazing woman such as yourself had once chosen to love me, even if it was for just a brief period of time.
Now, as I look back over my life, I know my best years are the ones I've spent in knowing you, no matter the status of our relationship...and if I have no more years ahead of me, I would still count myself as most fortunate in having known you, and in having you in my life.
And so, in closing, I will say this: I'm so thankful I know you, Julia Ogden. I hope you have a long, happy life with Darcy, and I pray that the Lord showers you both with many blessings.
Yours, with all my love,
William H. Murdoch
-0-
"Oh, William…" Folding the note, Julia returned it to the envelope as she tried to blink back her tears. "This is...just...too…"
"I know…and I'm sorry..." Shifting uncomfortably next to her, he cringed, shaking his head as he avoided looking at her. "It's quite maudlin...and overly melodramatic...but I dashed it off in a hurry…"
"No…it's not maudlin..." Julia reached over to take his hand. "It's actually quite beautiful." She nestled next to him, placing her head on his shoulder. "Knowing how you felt at that time is so...touching…and quite romantic..."
"Really?" Relieved, he exhaled slowly, before continuing. "You know, the most amazing part is…" Putting his arm around her, he smiled tenderly. "...as much as I loved you then, now that we're married, my love for you...the passion I feel...is so much deeper…although I still don't have the words to explain how that could be...except to say I love you...so much..."
"And I love you…" She gently kissed his cheek before looking up at him with a little grin. "...but I don't understand. Why were you so hesitant to have me read this note?"
He pursed his lips slightly as he thought over her question. "Well, I suppose it reminded me of an unpleasant time in my life. After all, I thought I'd lost you forever when you married..."
"I see…" Julia ran her fingers over the paper's edge. "Then why didn't you ask to have this note returned? Surely you realized I hadn't returned it with the rest of the papers you'd left with me…and, as you said, you knew I'd read it eventually."
Pulling away from her, he averted his gaze. "It was to be my valedictory message to you, even if I'd made it back from the posse." He chewed his lip slightly as he tried to explain. "I was going to leave Toronto for good after the posse finished its assignment. I'd planned on taking a detective's position in Winnipeg…"
"So you were going to sneak off without telling me goodbye?," she sniffed, stung by that unexpected revelation. "You were going to simply ride off into the sunset, like the hero of some trite penny dreadful..."
He rolled his eyes at her assessment. "I don't know if I'd call it 'sneaking off', exactly, but yes, I was going to leave without seeing you again. I'd planned on sending a telegram, directing you to read that note…as my au revoir..." With a soft sigh, he took her hand in his. "It had become too difficult to bear, seeing you and Darcy living happily together as husband and wife, so I had to make a decision on what to do to ease my pain. I considered myself to be too old to join the French Foreign Legion or to enlist in Her Majesty's armed forces to fight the Boers in South Africa, and I had no interest in emigrating to America or in joining the Pinkertons, so moving to a different Canadian city seemed to be my best option at the time."
Julia interrupted his explanation. "I'm not sure Darcy and I were ever happy together, William. We were too different from each other, and I know now that our mutual expectations for our marriage were unrealistic. Neither of us ever really understood what the other one wanted from our careers...or from our life together. I believe our marriage was doomed from the beginning."
"Well, I had no way of knowing that at the time, Julia. Both of you did an excellent job of hiding any discord that might be occurring between you." He shrugged a bit as he continued. "Anyway, there was a detective's position available in Winnipeg, and the Chief Constable had suggested that I take it, since the chances for advancement to the upper levels of the constabulary would be significantly higher there than they are here in Toronto. I might've even made Inspector after working only a couple of years there. It seemed there was nothing to keep me here, so I decided to accept the position."
Julia narrowed her eyes at him. "And I'm sure that Miss Ettie Weston's presence in that city was also a suitable enticement."
Chuckling at his wife's twinge of jealousy, William kissed her gently. "I can honestly say that Ettie living there hadn't crossed my mind at the time." Seeing Julia's annoyance, he grinned as he shook his head. "Shortly after moving to Winnipeg, Ettie had the good fortune to meet a wealthy industrialist who was unconcerned about her past 'adventures'. She sent me a wedding announcement a few months after that. They've been married for almost seven years now…"
Nodding resolutely, Julia crossed her arms over her chest. "Good...because you belong to me…"
"Oh my…" He arched an eyebrow at her. "Aren't you the forceful one…"
"I can be, if it's necessary in order to protect my interests." She playfully ran her hand down his chest. "So why didn't you take the job in Winnipeg?"
"Dr. Joachim had incorrectly predicted that the recuperation period for the injuries I'd received while I was riding with the posse would be at least six months, so the Chief Constable, not being willing to wait that long for me, chose another man for the job." William shrugged as he continued. "There was nothing else to be done, so I stayed on with the Constabulary in Toronto. I knew I had to remain employed somehow...my dreadful experience with sloth during my recuperation had taught me that boredom and I do not get along very well."
"And you didn't consider me at all when you decided to stay." Julia was unsure how she felt about that. "It was simply a work related decision…"
"Julia…" He gently reached up to brush some wisps of hair away from her face. "You read that note. Surely you know I've always loved you, but at the time it seemed you were unattainable. It would've been unreasonable...and irresponsible...for me to make a career decision based on your living here in Toronto." Seeing her uncertain expression, he tenderly caressed her cheek. "That being said, however, I'm happy to say that, as things turned out, I made the correct decision, since I ended up here, living in this grand house, and married to the most wonderful woman in the world."
Julia tried to be upset with her husband's logic, but seeing his winsome expression, she found it impossible. "I see. So I suppose you planned on having things work out in just this way…"
He gave her his best dimpled smile. "Well, yes, of course. Isn't that obvious?"
"You are such a ridiculous man!" Pretending to punch his arm, she laughed out loud as she rose to put the note in the drawer of her nightstand.
"I prefer to think of myself as logical and rational…" He chuckled as she turned and narrowed her eyes at him. "...but I will allow that occasionally I border on the ridiculous."
Arching an eyebrow at her, his gaze focused on his wife's unbuttoned shirt. Pulling her down next to him, he gently stroked her collarbone and the graceful curve of her neck, his eyes darkening with passion. "So now that we've taken care of that onerous chore, I think we can now move to much more intimate activities…"
He gasped with pleasure as she reached up to loosen her hair from its braid, allowing her glossy waves to tumble down her shoulders. "I definitely agree."
Running his hands through her hair, he kissed her deeply as they reclined on the bed. "I love you...so very, very much…"
She smiled as he embraced her. "And I love you...but…"
He frowned at the unexpected word. "But...what…"
"But, if you know what's good for you, you'll never volunteer to be a part of a posse again…"
"I'm not sure I can guarantee that, Darling...as a member of the Constabulary, I may be required to take part in that sort of activity again…depending on the criminal element involved..."
"No...that's not acceptable." Julia was adamant, regarding him with steely resolve. "Remember, William...if you agree to participate in such a thing, you'll have to deal with me first, so think carefully. Would my anger over that sort of transgression be something you'd really want to face?"
"I don't know if I'm that brave!" Laughing, he bent down to kiss her. "However, Julia, I can promise you this: because I love you so much, no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, you'll always be in my thoughts...and always in my heart. Will that be enough to assuage your anger?"
She made a show of thinking over his answer. "Perhaps…" She smiled as she caressed his cheek. "...but I'll be more certain if you show me how much you love me…if you'll prove your point..."
"I think that can be arranged…" He nibbled her ear as he pushed her blouse away from her shoulders. "I adore you, Darling…I always will...and I'll never do anything to jeopardize that. I'll stay with you forever..."
"That is the correct answer!" She giggled as she pulled him closer. "I love you, too. William...and I always will."
If you have time to review, I'd appreciate it.
Thank you for reading my little story. It was fun to write. Laura