A/N: A massive thank you to those who are following this story. Sorry it's taken so long, but chapter 11 is finally here. Remember: reviews make the world go round, and constructive criticism is welcome. Much love, TGF xx

"Oh my God. What's he doing here?" a horrified Rukia said as she slowed to a halt.

Renji peered up from the map, mildly alarmed. "Wha-? Who?"

"Madarame."

"EH?! Where?" Renji looked around wildly trying to see his friend, his sunglasses nearly falling off from atop his head.

Rukia pointed with her skewer of half-eaten stinky tofu to a raised wooden platform beyond the wire fencing. "Over there."

She was pointing to an extraordinarily ugly uakari monkey with a prominent red face and distinct lack of hair. It was picking its nose.

Renji took a moment to stare at it in disgust as it inspected its fingers before shoving them in its mouth. He looked down at his wife.

They both looked back at the uakari just as he started bashing a smaller, paler male over the head, seemingly for no reason other than the fact he was there.

The resemblance was uncanny.

They both roared with laughter.

The howler monkeys in the enclosure behind them took that as their cue to join in.

"I am telling you, Renji, that man is the missing link."

They drifted over to a wooden bench and sat down. Rukia was heartily attacking her third skewer of fried stinky tofu smothered in garlic sauce, as Renji sniffed hesitantly at his first. It wasn't that he didn't trust his wife's defective taste buds, it was just the fact that he wasn't sure he could trust a foodstuff with the word 'stinky' in its name. Especially when it smelt like his old gym socks. Nevertheless, he cast all aspersions aside and tentatively bit into it.

It…

It wasn't all that bad, actually.

He turned the skewer over, as though looking at the other side would reveal the key to its hidden culinary magic.

He took another, larger bite. If nothing else, he enjoyed the crispy outer texture.

"This is nice," Rukia murmured through a mouthful of pickled cabbage.

Renji nodded, "It definitely tastes better than it smells."

Rukia elbowed him. "I meant this. Us. Together. On holiday."

"On honeymoon," Renji corrected, although he could understand the mistake; he was having a little difficulty in believing it himself.

Rukia grinned broadly at him. "Yeah." She ran her left thumb over the underside of her ring finger and the thin band of gold resting on it. "We should do this more often," she said as she shuffled so that she was sat cross-legged, her bony knees peeping through the holes in her jeans. Unlike Renji's, hers were there from overuse, not by design.

"Get married?"

Rukia snorted at him.

"I mean, I'm game, but you can tell your sister, because I'm-."

Rukia started clucking at him.

"- No. I'm not chicken, I'd just… like… the option of, maybe, one day having… y'know… kids. Maybe. If you want." And castration did tend to get in the way of that sort of thing.

Renji was beginning to think that maybe he shouldn't have said anything. Not because he was embarrassed, but because there was a party of schoolchildren approaching and Rukia was looking at him like she very much wanted to jump him at that precise moment, and that in turn was making his jeans feel a little… constricted.

It was one of those moments when the edges of his vision went all hazy, and all he could see was Rukia and her sultry, pouting lips and those big, blue eyes, darkened and heavy-lidded with lust. It didn't help that she'd just taken her denim jacket off and her loose-knit jumper had just slipped down her shoulder.

"Renji," she whispered huskily, "Renji, you're dripping."

He groaned softly, "Ru…"

"What?" She looked at him quizzically. "Wha-? No. Renji. You're dripping." She huffed impatiently as she started pawing at his chest with a pile of paper serviettes.

But it was too late.

His t-shirt was ruined.

So was his daydream.

Oh well.

It was good while it lasted.

Plus, the sticky, garlicky gloop had somehow managed to miss the fringe on his own bleached-denim jacket; a small wonder considering just how excessive it was.

"Ngyah," Rukia grumbled. She pursed her lips to the side for a couple of seconds and then leapt up from the bench. "Right. Get it off."

Startled, Renji's mouth fell open and his sunglasses really did fall off. "What?!"

Rukia was pulling her own jumper over her head. "Your top. Get it off." She belatedly tugged on the hem of her tank top to stop it riding up as well. "C'mon."

Suddenly very aware that he was already the sort of person who garnered an untoward amount of attention, he didn't think that stripping off in front of a bunch of young kids was such a good idea. But Rukia was Rukia, and once she was set on something, there was very little he, or anyone else for that matter, could do to stop it.

"Look, as much as I love you, and as much as I love sauce, I do prefer the two of you to be separate. Now get your tits out."

Renji paused for a moment. "Sure you don't want to lick it off?"

Rukia never actually answered, but she did a fine job of wresting the offending article from his person. It was entirely possible that, in the process, she did something which caused one especially prim-and-proper teacher to gasp and cover the eyes of one of her small charges in horror. (It should be noted here, dear reader, that this evidently innocent and highly respectable young lady had a very different reaction to her rather more mature colleague, who was far more disgruntled by Rukia covering Renji up again by shoving her own jumper over his head.)

If Renji had ever had any sense of shame or embarrassment, it had long been quashed from him thanks to the questionable company he kept, not to mention his less than desirable upbringing. Still, even he had to admit that he felt ever so slightly silly. After all, the jumper (which was so oversized on Rukia it was practically a dress) was little more than a crop top on him. The giant, smiling face of Chappy the Rabbit covering the entire front of it was the icing on the proverbial cake.

But this was just another instalment in a long list of dubious, Rukia-related wardrobe choices, and his resistance to her had been thrown out of the window alongside his sense of shame.

Just look at his wedding get-up.

At least he'd never have to look these complete strangers in the eye ever again.

And if anyone was going to pull this look off, he decided it was going to be him.

In other words, he was perfectly happy to go along with it.

Even if it was a bit tight about the shoulders. Renji squirmed awkwardly as he tried to get it to sit more comfortably.

Rukia quickly grabbed her Hanimex camera before he could refuse. Only Renji, who otherwise looked like a spare member of Dead End, or maybe Bon Jovi in his bleached denim, could make a bright yellow kid's jumper look like that.

She stood back, arms crossed, smugly admiring her handiwork.

She cocked an eyebrow as she realised that she wasn't the only one.

In fact, there were several admirers, and at least five of them were sporting very similar hairstyles to her husband, which is to say magnificent. And extraordinarily voluminous.

It took Renji another minute to clock the fact that he wasn't just being watched by randy older women and scandalised schoolchildren.

"Oh, hey, buddy!"

The nearest gelada, the alpha male of the troop judging by the size and sheer amount of hair, chattered back. It was a funny sound, something akin to a wheezy cat, accompanied by a tremendous amount of lip smacking. He had shuffled so close to the enclosure wire that he looked like he was trying to make mincemeat of himself.

He was eyeing Renji from head to toe and back again. He looked down at his own belly before sifting through his fur, apparently looking for something. Whatever it was, he clearly couldn't find it.

He shoved an outstretched paw through the fence, reaching for Renji's midriff.

Naturally, as any law-abiding adult with half a brain cell would, Renji promptly ignored the barrier and sign cautioning against approaching the animals and hopped over the spiked chain and boxwood lining the pathway to help his new friend out.

"What's the matter, huh? What do you want?"

Rukia was beside herself as she watched the baboon-like ape poke at the black ink marking her husband's skin. On the one hand, she could completely empathise with the desire to grope Abarai Renji. On the other, she'd never thought she'd have to contend with a monkey for his attention.

The gelada looked up at Renji's face, clacking his teeth and flashing his impressive canines. It fidgeted impatiently from side to side, rising to all fours, before returning to his haunches.

Renji crouched down beside him, causing the other surrounding geladas to tussle in an effort to get closer. The alpha shoved them away.

Rukia noted that just beyond the group of males sat a female looking somewhat confused and more than a little put out. Judging by the blossoming red patch upon her chest, and sagely advised by an information notice, Rukia realised that the female was in oestrus and was suffering from a dire lack of male affection.

Other females looked equally unimpressed by the newfound distraction, huddling together and throwing jaded looks towards the men. An infant tried to escape its mother's clutches to investigate the fuss; she swiftly grabbed it by the ankle and dragged it back into the unforgiving circle of her mutinous sisterhood.

The males, meanwhile, remained totally oblivious. The alpha had somehow relieved Renji of both his beloved aviators and tiger-striped bandana, and they were jostling over ownership of them whilst their leader enjoyed some incredibly satisfying scratches courtesy of his new friend.

Rukia had nearly forgotten about the camera in her hand, but the moment when Renji suddenly found himself in receipt of gelada grooming reminded her that she really needed proof of this, blurry though it would undoubtedly be.

Unfortunately, the familiar whirring sound of the reel rewinding started just as she was on her fourth photo. Hastily fumbling about replacing the film, Rukia had just managed to click the back compartment into place to catch Renji half laying on the ground giving belly rubs to whichever geladas managed to force their way to the front of the queue, as furry paws returned the favour.

And then it happened.

Out of the corner of her eye, Rukia just caught a glimpse of movement from beneath one of the shrubs. A small, brown frog hopped alongside the gravel path before shifting towards the ape enclosure.

She wouldn't have thought anything of it, the geladas were certainly too infatuated with Renji to notice something as innocuous as a frog, but it wasn't the only thing approaching her husband.

"Err… Renji?"

Never let it be said that Abarai Rukia couldn't multitask, as she continued taking pictures whilst also trying (unsuccessfully) to capture her husband's attention, and keeping tabs on potential ensuing danger.

"Renji?"

Nothing. He was too busy rolling around on the floor with his kindred spirits.

This was the last time she was ever taking him to a zoo. Or maybe not. Maybe she'd leave him at the next one.

"Re- RENJI!"

As one, the band of brothers turned to look at her, and as one they saw the long, thin, bright green serpent.

It was carnage.

Somewhere between getting his arm stuck in the fence, accidentally punching the alpha gelada in the face, and startling the encroaching snake as he leapt up from the ground, Renji was bitten by both.

The geladas were screaming. The schoolkids were screaming. Blood was pouring down Renji's left arm, and Rukia was trying to spear the snake with a stinky tofu skewer.

"DON'T HURT IT!" Renji shouted at her.

"WHAT IF IT'S VENOMOUS?"

Renji's face paled at the thought, before launching himself and rugby tackling it before it could get away. Triumphant and grinning, he almost shoved it in Rukia's face.

She dodged before it could bite her too.

"Oh," Renji winced sheepishly, "Sorry."

She huffed at him, but whatever she had to say was cut off when two bewildered zookeepers rushed over to see what on earth was going on.

After some minor translation errors, they quickly established that the rein snake was perfectly harmless, although it was clear that Renji still needed medical attention and they were swiftly directed to the nearest hospital.

It was there, in the dazzlingly bright accident and emergency waiting room, that Renji boldly declared that this was, hands down, his all-time favourite tale of how a pair of his sunglasses were broken.

Rukia, who was having a hard time looking at him because every time she did, she burst out laughing, managed to keep it together just long enough to roll her eyes at him.

"Do you think they'll let us back?"

Rukia puffed out her cheeks and shook her head. "Nuh-uh. I think we have a lifetime ban."

Renji looked forlorn. "We didn't even get to say goodbye to Kira."

Rukia snorted as she remembered the single most miserable looking bird with the whitest, skinniest legs she had ever had the misfortune of seeing, the marabou stork. "Perhaps we should request a welfare check. He looked like he was on the brink of ending it all."

"Hmm." Renji flexed the fingers of his bandaged left hand. Although he was propping it at the elbow, it had long since gone numb from being held upright, not to mention the three inch long gash running down his wrist.

"I still can't believe you got bitten by a fucking monkey."

A broad grin spread across his face. "Say… did you get any photos of it?"

Rukia inspected her nails, "The gelada or your mauling?"

"Both."

Rukia turned to him, her face stern but otherwise unreadable.

"Well?"

She blinked.

"Did you or not?"

Rukia pulled her Hanimex out of her bag and waved it at him as she donned the smuggest expression he had ever seen. "Only three entire fucking reels, Abarai Renji."