Shiba Kaien had transported thieves and thugs whilst on duty. He'd taken drug dealers and drunken pugilists from the streets to the holding cells. He'd tackled armed yakuza before hauling them in to the back of his car.

Kuchiki Byakuya was, by far, the worst person he'd ever driven from one place to another.

He was also a veritable back seat driver, which was funny considering he was that pie-eyed it was a wonder he could even see where they were going.

At least, Kaien hoped he was pie-eyed. If he wasn't, well…

It was certainly the chattiest he'd ever seen the man, and that included the time he may or may not have slipped him some pot brownies at a New Year's party. He briefly wondered if Ginrei had forgiven him yet. Byakuya had been sick for a week. And if there was one thing that Kuchiki Byakuya was incredibly bad at, it was being a patient.

Still, he could do without Kuchiki treating him like his personal taxi service.

He could also do without Kuchiki getting all smoochy in the back of his squad car.

And he could really do without his date fawning over him and getting all gooey-eyed and he continued spouting utter nonsense and ever more spurious, self-proclaimed attributes and accolades.

Kaien also didn't need to hear that Kuchiki earned more in a week than he did in a year. Just in interest! That wasn't even his salary!

"Pfft," Kotsubaki scoffed quietly, "Yeah, and I'm the Emperor."

"Oh no, that bit's true," Kaien admitted sullenly.

Kotsubaki turned sharply to his Chief Inspector. "What?! Really?"

Kaien grimaced and nodded.

Kotsubaki slumped back into his seat, aghast. "Sheeesh. I'm in the wrong job."

"Tell me about it."

Pulling in to the expansive Kuchiki estate only served to rub extra salt into the wound.

Kaien parked the car and waited for the drunken pair to get out.

Unfortunately, neither seemed inclined to move.

Kuchiki's date, he could forgive: she was barely awake, nestled into his side and clutching her tiny panda. At some point during the journey, Kuchiki had started calling her 'Kitten', and he could see why. She was entirely too adorable for the likes of Kuchiki Byakuya, and Kaien wondered how they'd met.

But Kaien had a job to do, and in order to do it, he needed them both to leave.

He drummed his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel.

Rather than take the hint, Kuchiki cleared his throat in a manner that suggested he was expecting something.

At first, his date thought it was aimed at her, and she clumsily tried to stir herself out of her sleepy, tipsy daze. However, Kuchiki's iron grip around her waist held steadfast, and Kaien realised he was waiting for him.

Byakuya stared at him.

Kaien stared back.

It was like being stuck in the middle of some bizarre Mexican stand-off.

"Oh, for goodness sake," Kaien huffed, as he heaved himself out of the vehicle and stomped round to the back passenger door. "Get out."

Kaien just about managed to not haul him out by the scruff of his neck, but Kuchiki barely noticed. Instead, he threw his jacket at him before focusing on his date as she preened giddily, basking in his attention.

Kaien tried to hand the jacket back as they walked past, however Byakuya just took this as an invitation to shove his date's clutch bag into his outstretched hands.

Kotsubaki sniggered as he joined Kaien outside of the car.

"I don't believe this," Kaien muttered grumpily before reluctantly trudging after the pair. He couldn't help feeling that he should have just dropped the stuff on the floor and driven off.

Kotsubaki hurried after him, "It's weird, isn't it?"

"What? Kuchiki? That's rich peo-."

"No, no, no. Her. Don't you think she looks like Saito?"

Kaien scrunched up his face as he looked at his partner. "Saito Rukia?"

"Yeah."

Was that who she reminded him of?

"I mean… she has a sister, doesn't she?" Kotsubaki continued.

Kaien stopped, confounded. She couldn't possibly…

Kaien shook his head to clear it. "Don't be ridiculous."

Kotsubaki shrugged, "I'm just sayin'-."

"Well, don't," Kaien snapped. He didn't want to think about Kuchiki getting involved with someone related to his subordinate; that would just be too weird. "Besides, he would never get with someone from that side of town."

"What's wrong with Karakura?" Kotsubaki asked.

"Nothing. It's what's wrong with him that's the problem," Kaien explained.

Speaking of which… "Oi! Kuchiki! What are you doing?"

He'd circled back from the front entrance and was following the path round to the east wing. There was a lot of gesticulating as his date trailed behind him, rummaging through her bag. She stumbled slightly before holding whatever it was she was looking for aloft.

"FOUND IT!"

"SHHHHH!" Kuchiki hissed loudly at her, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that he was being just as loud, if not louder.

Thankfully, the darkness of the early November morning was punctuated every few metres by low level garden lights, and the two officers were able to follow their path around the corner of the house, although it was still unclear what exactly they were trying to do.

"Just how big is this place, anyway?" Kotsubaki asked.

Kaien just grunted in reply, his patience wearing thin. He was tired, he was hungry, he was cold, he wanted food, Miyako was never going to believe him, and he didn't even get breakfast because of this!

Eventually, they reached the conservatory just in time to find Kuchiki crouched down, fiddling with the door handle.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" His date was hovering at his shoulder.

Kaien snorted.

"Oh shit," Byakuya mumbled. "Do you have another hairpin? This one just… vanished."

"You mean you dropped it?"

Byakuya looked at her haughtily. "No, I didn't drop it. It just… isn't here anymore."

She started giggling. "You dropped it!" she teased in a sing-song voice.

"No, I…" Byakuya started to correct her again, before his head fell to his chest and his shoulders started shaking. "Yeah," he wheezed, "Yeah, I did."

They caught each other's eye and promptly fell against one another, laughing.

"Oh my God," Kaien muttered. Kotsubaki was lost to him as well. "Oi! Kuchiki! What's wrong with using a key?"

"Key? What key? I don't have a key?"

"What?!" Kaien barked. "What do you mean you don't have a key? Where is it?!"

Byakuya threw his hands up in the air, "I d'know. In my jacket? Wherever that is." He paused, peering around into the darkness. "What's that?"

His date gasped and spun round, "What? Where?"

Kaien had just found the keys when time slowed to such a pace that he could do nothing to stop it. Instead, he could only bear witness to Kuchiki's elbow going through the door's glass pane.

His date started screaming.

So did the alarm.

"For fuck's sake," Kaien groaned.

Kuchiki Ginrei had just returned from his second nightly trip to the bathroom, and he was eager to get back to what had been a very pleasant dream involving an extraordinarily large pile of chips at a Monaco casino with several hot, scantily-clad twenty-somethings spurring him on, when he heard it.

The distant sound of shattering glass accompanied by a piercing shriek shot through the early hours of Sunday morning.

The new security alarm soon followed.

It didn't take much to deduce that his grandson was to blame.

Ginrei's moustache bristled in annoyance, and he was suddenly overcome with the overwhelming desire to rewrite his will.