Please
"So love is hard and love is tough (…)
So love is big, bigger than us (...)
Please, please, please
Get up off your knees"
Anna smiled as she held her daughter up to let her see through the large window between her sterile room and the unit's hallway. Joanna's laugh was bouncing and echoing off the bare walls, and she was waving with enthusiasm to the hospital clowns who were pulling faces and tricks at each other on the other side of the window. Anna was glad for the distraction. The days felt even longer in the confines of the sterile room than they had when they were in the regular room, and they already felt endless there. It felt so strange and unnatural to have to wear all these protective equipments around Joanna. The little girl had needed some time to adjust. She didn't understand why her mother and father looked at her from behind a white paper mask. She spent the first days trying to tug on them to free their faces. It had taken a lot of patience and repeating from Anna and John until the child accepted the new normal. Anna and the assistant nurses had spent hours sterilizing Joanna's favourite toys and stuffed animals. Activities were quite limited inside that room, so they had relented to letting her watch some cartoons. In the course of a few days, Joanna had become quite knowledgeable about Peppa Pig or Little Brown Bear. She also liked to spend hours pushing the buttons of some electronic toy that played various nursery rhymes, pushing her parents close to madness for listening to the same twenty seconds-long pieces of bad electronic singing over and over again. There was not much available to break up the monotony of the hours and days stuck up in their sterile cubicle, so the clowns' visit once a week was somewhat of an event. Anna had heard about those hospital clowns, and the happiness they brought to sick children. She remembered having watched a documentary about them on TV once. It was a time when the hospital was still a foreign world to her, and never had she thought that one day a pair of them would pull their tricks and jokes for her own child's benefit. The clowns spent a while blowing up some balloons and tying them up into animal shapes, to which Joanna pointed in delight. When their little show was over, they started waving goodbye to the children, each one imprisoned behind their thick glass wall. As they started to move away, one of the clowns held Anna's gaze for a few seconds, and she felt her chest tighten, as he sent her a bright smile that made his eyes glitter with kindness. She read the empathy and compassion on the lines of his face under the thick layers of make-up, and tears rushed to her eyes when he brought his hands to his heart, then to his mouth, and gestured sending her a butterfly kiss. Her cheeks shone wet as she gestured sending the kiss back. She hoped one day when they'll be out of this medical cage, she and Joanna could meet them in the hallway and give them a real hug.
A few hours later, Joanna was asleep in her little bed. Anna gave her one last stroke on the cheeks. Her lips ached to kiss her brow, but she had to refrain herself. This was the hardest part of it all. Not being able to kiss her own daughter was torture.
- Good night, sweetheart, she whispered, before getting out of the room. After she had closed the door, she went into the storage area next to the room, and sighed as she got rid of her PPE. It felt so good to finally breathe freely after spending the whole day behind the mask. She put all of the used equipment into the bin, that stood next to a camp bed. She and John had slept here alternatively at first, but then, seeing that Joanna slept throughout the night approximately from half past seven pm to seven am the next day, and almost never called during the night, they had decided to both go home at night. Every room in the unit was equipped with a CCTV cam and baby-phone so that the night nurses could watch over the sleeping (or not sleeping) children, and the staff had several times assured John and Anna that they did not let the children alone when one of them woke up at night. So, in order to keep up their strength in the long run, they had reluctantly decided to trust the nursing staff with their daughter's care at night.
- I'm going, Anna said, poking her head through the door of the nurses' office.
- Alright! Good night Anna! replied the night nurse cheerfully.
- Good night Rebecca, she answered.
As she left the unit, Ethel's words came back to her, and she had to admit that she did feel like she belonged. She knew now the faces of all the nurses and assistant nurses working in the unit, and they were on first names terms. Thinking of Ethel, she realized that she had not been in touch with her "chemo friend", as they had started calling themselves as a joke, for more than a week. Although Ethel still brought Charlie for his weekly chemo, it was harder for them to meet since Joanna was in the sterile room, because they could not come and go as they pleased. She made a mental note to call her later.
x x x x
In the darkness of their bedroom, John could feel Anna fidgeting restlessly next to him in the bed.
- Are you alright, love?, he tried.
Anna sighed in exasperation.
- No, I'm not!, she snapped. I just can't calm down.
- Are you worried about Jo?
- No… Well, yes, but, no, I'm worried about tomorrow mainly.
- Oh. Right.
They were expected the next morning in Dr Jawad's office to discuss the results of the HLA screening.
- Aren't you stressed out?!, asked Anna.
As usual, John managed to keep a calmer composure than Anna.
- I am, of course, he replied. More about knowing if we have a suitable donor than anything.
- Yes, of course. That's the most important issue.
But she couldn't lie and pretend that the other issue wasn't bothering her as well. From the beginning, that question had always seemed to matter more to her than to him, and she admired him so much for his detachment. She snuggled against her husband's warm and welcoming form, and tried to work on steadying her breathing, as Isobel Crawley had taught her to do during their anxiety management sessions.
x x x x
Her hands were clammy and trembling the next morning when Dr Jawad called them into her office.
- Mrs Bates, Mr Bates, good morning! Please take a seat, said the physician as she ushered them in.
As they sat down, Anna's knee kept bouncing up and down. Dr Jawad looked at their anxious and expectant faces, and smiled.
- I can see you're eager to hear what I've got to say, so I won't beat around the bush. I've got good news.
Anna inhaled sharply, biting her lower lip, her hands gripping her knees in a desperate attempt at keeping herself together.
- Do we have a donor?
Dr Jawad beamed:
- Yes we have.
- Oh my God!, Anna shrieked, as John exhaled loudly, letting out the breath he had not known he was holding until that moment.
Their hands met halfway between their chairs, and their fingers intertwined tightly, as relieved tears flowed on their cheeks. The physician allowed them a moment to let the news sink in, then went on:
- Don't you want to know who?
- Er, yes, of course, agreed John, tearing his gaze from Anna's to look back at the doctor.
- Very well. You, Anna, were unfortunately not close enough to be compatible. On the other hand, you, John, are compatible.
A deep silence filled the room, as both Anna and John did not dare to voice what they were hoping they could deduce from that fact. In the end, John whispered:
- Does this mean…
Dr Jawad nodded kindly:
- Yes, this is what it means. You are indeed Joanna's biological father.
Another heavy silence followed, but it was shorter than the previous one, just the time for both of their brains to process the information. Then Anna broke into a nervous laugh, that shortly transformed into sobs. As she crumpled on her chair, releasing three years of fear, John got up and lifted her up to her feet, and took her into a tight embrace, burying his face into her hair, and mingling his tears with hers. Sat across the desk, Dr Jawad patiently waited for them to come out of their happy shock. Quite often did she enjoy giving out good news to patients or parents, usually when she announced a remission, or better still, a complete healing. But seldom had she had the pleasure of informing a father that he was his child's biological parent. After a moment, John and Anna came back to the world, and seemed to realize where they were. As the physician held out the box of tissue she always had ready on her desk, Anna chuckled:
- Sorry doctor, we're taking so much of your time…
- It's quite alright Anna, don't worry about that.
- But you can't know how relieved I am. I have lived in such fear…
- I understand, said the doctor kindly. Now, she continued, do you want me to discuss with you the conditions of realization of the bone marrow transplant? Or do you prefer we wait a while and talk about it later? We still have a few weeks before it has to be done, so there's no rush.
- No, no, it's OK, replied John, we're listening now.
- Alright. So, it's pretty much the same procedure than when we do a myelogram on Joanna, except that we'll take more bone marrow matter. So we'll put a needle in your hipbone, but we'll dig a little deeper, and it'll last longer. It is usually done in the operating room, and under general anaesthesia. For your own comfort, and to reduce the risks of microbial contamination to the minimum.
John suddenly remembered about his own bone graft, and asked:
- Er, a few years ago I suffered from an open fracture in my right leg, and I received a bone auto-graft to help it heal. They took some bone in my hip. Will that be a problem?
- No, I don't see why it should. We will plan the bone marrow sampling on the other hip.
- OK. I must say I had hoped I wouldn't have to visit an operating room again for many years to come, he chuckled. I spent three months in hospital and underwent four surgeries back then.
The doctor answered with an understanding smile.
- I can imagine. We usually advise bone marrow donors to take two days off work after the sampling is done, to get over it.
- Alright. That won't be a problem.
x x x x
The good news spread among the Bateses' relatives circle like a bush fire. All day long Anna and John's phones buzzed with cheering and congratulating messages. Although she was aware they weren't out of the woods yet, they were still a long way from that, in fact, Anna couldn't help but feel like a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had managed to almost forget about it at some times since Joanna had been born, but in truth the doubt was still there, always, looming over her like a dark cloud that wouldn't go away. And now it had cleared out.
- I'm sorry John, she murmured in his chest, late at night, as they lay together after having celebrated the good news.
- Why ever for?, asked John, dumbfounded.
- For making you burn the lab's result. I could have spared you almost three years of wondering.
John kissed her brow gently:
- But I didn't spend three years wondering darling. I spent them loving and raising the wonderful daughter you gave me.
Her heart melted with love at those words, that made her love him even more, if that was ever possible.
- I'm sorry you have to do that anyway. You've had your share of suffering already. I wish I could do it in your place.
- Well I think you've had your fair share too. You gave birth to her, and I am very proud and honoured to be able to give her a second chance in life.
Anna snuggled closer into John's arms.
- I'm so happy. Mad as it sounds. I'm so happy. I never want to speak or hear his name or see his face ever again. I want him out of my life for good and proper. Forever.
- I won't object to that, replied John, slowly caressing her blond hair.
x x x x
John was slowly waking up, still rather groggy as his body slowly washed out the anaesthetics in the post-surgery surveillance room. As his eyes blinked and slowly adjusted to the bright lights, he started to acknowledge the sensations in his body. His throat felt sore from the intubation, even if it had lasted less than half an hour, his hip felt like it had been kicked with a giant bat, and his arm was still attached to an IV drip. He crunched his eyes, trying to shift in the bed to get more comfortable, when the phone on the bedside table buzzed. He picked it clumsily and smiled at the incoming video call. He accepted the call, beaming:
- Hey, aren't these my two favourite people in the world?, he said in a hoarse voice.
Through the small screen, Joanna was waving back at him, sitting in Anna's lap, back in the sterile hematology unit.
- Daddy!, exclaimed the girl.
- Are you OK sweetheart?, asked Anna.
- Pretty much… The waking up seems less harsh than I remembered from my previous surgeries. Maybe because I spent less time asleep. But I feel like I've been kicked in the ass by a giant's boot.
Both Anna and John chuckled.
- I hope it won't last.
- Yeah. They gave me an ice pack to put on it. I told them I don't want any opioid painkiller.
- Seems wise.
They both remembered the dark days of John's opioid addiction a few years back, and the strain it had put on their couple.
- Anyway, they should let me go in a couple hours.
- Great. Love you darling. See you later. You say goodbye to Daddy sweetie?, said Anna to her daughter.
- Bye-bye Daddy!, waved the little girl.
- I love you darling, replied John, waving back. I love you both so much, he added, before hanging up.
x x x x
A playlist of Christmas songs was softly playing in the background, while Joanna was happily rummaging through the boxes of Christmas paraphernalia John had just brought back from the garage. A large Christmas tree was standing in the living-room, bare of any decoration at the moment, but not for long. The day was December 23rd, and Joanna was finally back home since the previous evening. The stem cells transplant had been a success, and her bone marrow had started producing cells again, enough so that two and a half weeks later her blood counts had been high enough to allow her to go home. Although Dr Jawad had warned against taking her to public places, or large family reunions over the holidays. So John and Anna had declined the Crawleys' invitations for the traditional Christmas dinner, and instead planned a small Christmas at home, with the sole company of the Carsons, who had been self-isolating for a week in order to be safe and not bring any germs to Joanna.
- Mama, star!, stated Joanna, showing her mother a bright shining star she had picked up from the box.
- Oh yes darling, this is a beautiful star. Do you want to put it up at the top of the tree?
- Yes!, cried the girl excitedly.
Anna started to hold the child up in her arms so that she could put the star at the top of the tree, but she put her back down in defeat, when she had to admit that she plus Joanna were too short to reach it. John was looking at them, smirking.
- It's not nice to mock people because of their height, Mr Bates!, scolded Anna. You do it, then, she added, handing the little girl to him.
- My pleasure, he replied, kissing Anna's neck before taking Joanna in his arms. There we go sweetie, all the way up to the stars!
The child giggled in delight as her father held her high over his head so that she managed to tie the shining star to the upper branch of the tree.
Half an hour later, the whole tree was adorned in bright decorations, to the point which it was almost invisible under its colourful armour. When they had to admit that there was no space anymore on the tree, Anna and Joanna had gone on to decorate the whole house. When at last the boxes were all empty, Anna sighed contentedly, letting herself fall on the settee, and declaring:
- Well, I think this will do.
- I daresay we're not short of Christmas decorations, agreed John.
- Bootiful!, exclaimed Joanna, climbing in her mother's lap.
- Yes, my love, you're right, it is beautiful. But not as much as you, she added, planting greedy kisses on her daughter's cheeks and neck.
She revelled in the joy of being able to kiss her daughter at will, after so many weeks of frustration.
- Stop mama, squirmed the child, giggling. You tickle Jo!
- But I like to tickle my Jo!, laughed Anna, gently tickling the little girl's belly and sides, so that she went into fits of laughter.
As they finally rested in the couch, panting and cuddling, John appeared from the kitchen:
- Might I offer the ladies some hot cocoa?
- Ooh, Jo, do you want a hot cocoa?
- Yes!, shouted Joanna happily.
- Me too!
- Three hot cocoas, then, concluded John, disappearing back into the kitchen.
x x x x
John and Anna had decided to keep Joanna with them and the Carsons for Christmas dinner, but as the evening went on, the little girl kept yawning and getting more and more whiny, until the point when Anna pointed:
- I think this young lady needs her bed.
- Oh, do you mind if I go and put her to bed?, asked Elsie.
- Oh, er, no, sure, go ahead.
- Come with Granny Elsie darling?, said Elsie, picking up the child whose eyes were starting to close of their own accord.
Joanna soon rested her head on Elsie's shoulder, and the old lady smiled.
- We'll wait for you for dessert, said John.
Twenty minutes passed in quiet chatter around the dining table, until Anna said:
- I wonder what's taking her so long… I'll pop up and check on them.
As she silently went up the stairs and came close to the nursery's door, she heard Elsie's voice, softly singing some Christmas song.
- Silent night, holy night…
Anna stopped in the door frame, and looked at Elsie, sitting in the rocking chair, gently rocking Joanna's sleeping form, and singing in her ear. Anna's heart melted at the heart-warming sight, and her eyes shone brightly as she approached Elsie carefully.
- I think she's asleep, you know, Anna pointed to her foster mother in a whisper.
Elsie looked up to her, smiling:
- I know, she replied in the same tone. But I've missed her so much for so long. I wanted to enjoy a cuddle a little longer.
Elsie slowly extracted herself of the rocking chair, then put Joanna back in her bed, stroking her cheeks.
- Happy Christmas my little angel, she breathed.
Turning around to Anna, she added:
- I love her so much. And you too. I've been so afraid for the three of you.
Her voice broke a little as she spoke her last sentence, and she fell into Anna's arms.
- We love you too Elsie, replied Anna, relishing the older woman's warm embrace.
Elsie sniffed and chuckled:
- We should go back down or the men will wonder where we've gone.
- Yes, let's go.
x x x x
The next morning, Joanna was almost buried under a mountain of shredded wrapping paper, as she finished opening her very large stack of Christmas presents. For now, the girl had fixed her attention on a new doll, that she carefully cradled against her chest, as she got up and toddled to Charles Carson to show the toy off. As Anna and John looked over the joyful scene, their hands met halfway between them on the couch, and their fingers intertwined. Until a few years back, they had know, theoretically, as everybody did, that life was a precious and fragile gift. Now, after some repeated first-hand experience of how one's happiness could crumble into dust in the space of an instant, they knew it in their bones, and the deepest of their hearts. And they would not waste a single minute of happiness life granted them. Anna rested her head on John's shoulder. He turned his head to kiss the top of her hair, and whispered:
- Look darling, it's snowing.
So, there you are. I wasn't so mean after all! We're getting close to the end of that story now. Only one chapter left, and maybe an epilogue, we'll see how it goes. Thank you for sticking to it with me!