Chapter 4

Present Day

He was tired.

Not the bone-deep exhaustion he used to get after too many days of active combat or the mind-numbing fatigue that came from staying up all night going over the details of a case. This was a tiredness in his heart.

I'm sorry I scared you.

That was what Tess had said when he'd finally gotten home last night, because of course they'd only just gotten her dressed after her 'shower' when Kevin had called and said they needed to get back to the district. Jay had been tempted to tell him to fuck off but he'd known that even if he had Tess wouldn't have stood for it. As it was she'd just put her hand on his cheek and made him look her over one more time to convince him, and maybe her too, that she really was fine and that they would talk more when he got home. Except it had been almost one in the morning by the time he'd gotten off work and when he'd finally trudged through the front door he'd found her passed out on the couch, having clearly failed in her attempt to wait up for him; if he thought he was tired it had to be nothing compared to what she must have felt because she'd been all but dead to the world. Normally they were both pretty light sleepers but she hadn't even stirred as he'd carried her upstairs, and only the tiniest bit as he'd tucked them in, though the tenacity with which she'd fought to wake herself had tugged at his heartstrings. And then snapped them when she'd mumbled her apology.

I'm sorry I scared you.

Jay couldn't get those words out of his head, for two reasons. One, she hadn't said she was sorry she'd done it and he didn't think she was going to. He may not have been able to read everything in that look she'd given him but he'd recognized the resolve. And two... Because of the way she'd said it. Sure she'd been half asleep and probably at least half-stoned but he'd heard the inflection in her words. Not just sorry she had scared him but sorry that she had scared him.

Like she was a thing to be feared.

She wasn't. There wasn't a thing about her that scared him except what she'd been doing to herself.

But he couldn't think about that now. Not only because he was at work but because every time he did Kevin seemed to notice and he kept giving him this look… It had been pretty obvious the moment he'd jumped back in the truck that something was bothering him, never mind that his shirt had still been halfway soaked but when he hadn't volunteered any information his partner hadn't pressed. And Jay didn't know what to think about that. He knew it wasn't fair- he'd been all but forcing Kev keep him in the loop on his problems only to turn around and keep his own shit to himself but this wasn't something his friend could help with. This was something he needed to fix, just… not right now.

Right now he had a job to do.

Adam!

Kim's scream rang through his mind, the sound of her horror still crystal clear. Just like his memory of the fear and guilt that had filled Kevin's face, though he didn't have to look far to see it was still there, now with a reckless kind of fury building alongside it. Things had gone wrong so fast Jay kept replaying the events, like if he went through them enough times they'd start making sense.

It turned out Billy was telling the truth.

The man responsible for killing Isla had been Tim Rollins, her ex-boyfriend and dealer who'd gone looking for her after she'd relapsed and stolen his stash. He'd been the one to make the connection, first between Rollins and Hadley, the woman who'd been storing the drugs for him and who Isla had stolen them from and then between Rollins and Isla herself. Actually Tess had helped with that, though inadvertently- even when he was actively trying not to think about her she was still in the back of his mind. She'd always said that social media was the best source of civilian surveillance so he'd started the case by combing through Isla's, so fervently he'd immediately recognized Rollins when he'd ran his ID. They'd gone to his house to make the arrest and that was when everything had gone sideways. He'd made a break for it so the team had scattered to try and cut him off, hoping, relying on patrol to assist them but they hadn't come.

And because of that Adam had taken a bullet to the chest.

He was fine, his vest had caught it but he never should have been hit in the first place. But apparently Nolan didn't see it that way. He had put the word out that no one was to respond to Intelligence's calls, not patrol, not dispatch- how the fuck he was able to get away with it Jay didn't know but it was going to fucking stop. All of Intelligence was coming for him now, as they'd proven just a little while ago in the garage.

Platt had grabbed him when she'd noticed him going up to the bullpen, mercifully pre-empting what would have been yet another awkward encounter with Hailey and Vanessa who were coming down to tell them that Kevin had demanded to know who had been in the area when they sent the call out and not responded. Mackenzie, one of the tactical guys, had been among that group and when they'd rushed to the garage they'd found him and Kevin just starting to get in each others' faces, and Adam and Kim also rushing in to stop the fight. Adam had gotten to Kev first but their friend had been so blinded by his anger he'd shoved Adam off him, forgetting that though the bullet hadn't pierced his flesh it had still left a nasty bruise; everyone's aggression had simmered while Adam fought to regain his breath, helped along by Kim and Hailey pushing between them but if anything the quiet had made Mackenzie's words ring louder in his ears.

This is how they do it.

This is how they break you.

They wouldn't break Kevin. They wouldn't, Jay just… he didn't know how they were going to make sure of that yet. But a soft buzz of his phone reminded him they didn't have to do it alone. Even as his heart clenched he couldn't help but smile as he read the message and quickly hurried to the locker room so he could catch his friend before he left, finding him just slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder.

"Hey."

"Hey."

If he'd had any doubts about this, which he didn't, the hopelessness in Kev's voice would have put them to rest. "Tess is making tacos tonight."

"I appreciate the offer but I'm-"

"It's not an offer."

Kevin's brows rose but he just lifted his phone in response, watching as the same little smile crept across the other man's mouth as he read her text.

Tell Kevin he's coming over for dinner. Non-negotiable. I'm making tacos. And margarita's- choices are lime, raspberry and mango.

"Mango huh?"

"I haven't tried that particular flavour but I can guarantee she knows how to make a mean drink."

His friends smile grew, reading the message once more before he nodded. "Alright then."

So far only Adam and Kim had been to the boat, just last weekend, and though he was excited to have Kev over Jay spent the entire drive trying and failing to push back the slow growing throb at the base of his skull.

He didn't even bother with the pit in his stomach.

Tess had done something. Something good he was sure, something that was going to help Kevin and he was already so grateful but he couldn't get this image out of his head. You'd think it would be the first one he'd gotten, the one he'd been seeing intermittently for weeks of waves lapping at her face as she fought to keep her head above water but it wasn't. He had seen that for a brief moment when he'd pulled her out of the shower, it'd been impossible not to draw the comparison but it had quickly been replaced by another. By the complete opposite in fact. By that vibrant, fiery bird he was suddenly trying so hard not to hate.

I'm not the same girl you knew.

She's a force of nature.

They said she was a new-age operative with all the fire and fury of the Old Testament.

Fire and fury.

Fire.

Tess wasn't just drowning. She was burning too.

It was so typical of her to be so much of two such opposing forces and it was a strange kind of pride that filled him knowing his girl was just that incredible, but it scared him too. Because he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't even know where to start. So he was grateful to Tess for whatever she was doing for Kevin but he was worried too. Worried about what it was that had prompted her to do that to herself, worried there wasn't anything that had prompted it, that it was just something she did, as natural to her as breathing.

Worried he was making Kevin worry.

"Hey, if tonight's not good-"

"No."

His partner paused where he was walking beside him and Jay had to give his head a little shake to clear it, nervous jitters running through him when he took in the cautious but open look on the other man's face. Kevin wanted to help.

Jay just had to let him.

"I- we want you over it's just…" It took him a second to figure out how to explain, he didn't want to give too much away or give the wrong impression but his friend was patient. "Coming home isn't easy. For anyone. It… it takes time to get adjusted."

Please God let that be what this was.

Tess had been through so much for so long, of course she needed time to heal. To realize she was safe, that she didn't have to be alone anymore, didn't have to hurt.

That he had her.

"I get that. Much as I can. And you better know that if you need anything I got you. This partner thing runs both ways."

Though the hint of rebuke in Kevin's stare made Jay twitch he forced himself to hold it, to see past his discomfort to really appreciate what his friend was offering. "I know."

"Good. Now I was promised tacos."

A small laugh huffed out of him and he waved him towards the dock, leading the way down to the boat. It didn't take long to pinpoint that yes, the loud music echoing across the bay was coming from theirs and though Kevin started nodding his head along to the beat Jay found it did little to calm his steadily rising nerves, at least until Kev let out an amused snort.

"What?"

"Is that from Bad Boys?"

He paused for a second to listen and sure enough his friend was right, and for the first time that day Jay found himself really smiling.

Tess loved those movies.

And the Fast and the Furious ones. And the Mission Impossible series. Pretty much any non-realistic action movie.

"Yes. Yes it is."

Kevin let out another snort and shook his head but he watched as some of the tension that had been weighing on him for the last few weeks started to lift off, and with it went some of his own. Things might not be great between him and Tess right this second, he was sure there was going to be a reckoning once Kev left but he was also sure they'd get through it.

They'd already come this far- they'd get through to the end.

Still he had to take a couple deep breaths before he actually walked inside, all of which left as soon as he saw the massive amount of food she'd prepared. And of course Tess herself. She was dancing along to her music, swaying and dipping her hips in a way he had no chance of not noticing but she quickly turned and beamed at the both of them, her smile so bright he almost forgot anything was wrong.

Almost.

"Buena's noches!" She greeted them with margaritas in hand, giving Kevin mango and him lime- of course she'd chosen raspberry for herself. "I thought about putting them in very tiny glasses but the last time I pulled that John accidentally broke his so I figured I better not."

Kevin laughed and even Jay huffed a little chuckle but it was automatic, his mind too busy analyzing Tess's every movement and expression. She seemed fine. Totally and completely fine. He hadn't really expected her to act otherwise, not in front of Kevin anyway but it still bothered him that she could pull it off so easily. That he couldn't see through it. He watched with a mixture of wariness and appreciation as the two grinned at each other, Tess watching with what appeared to be genuine apprehension as the other man took his first sip.

"Damn. You can put this in whatever kinda glass you want, I'ma drink it."

Her grin grew, such a pretty one, such a perfect one and it didn't falter as she ushered Kev over to the island, or when she turned to him. It was only the look in her eye that soothed him, a softness behind the sparkle that told him she was nervous too, probably more about him than she was herself but they would deal with that later. For now Kevin was the priority. Of course that didn't stop him from running his hand down her back as he followed her into the kitchen, unconsciously checking to see how warm her skin was, only partially relieved when he found it no different than normal.

Jay wasn't sure if Tess knew what he was doing but when he caught Kev giving them a curious look he knew she'd catch that so he gave his friend a quick wink as he took his own sip, unsurprised to find it delicious. "Told you."

"Alright." Tess clapped her hands together as she sat down across from them, a distance he immediately loathed, then began pointing out dishes. "We have tortillas, guac, salsa; spicy, mild and verde, sour cream, cotija cheese, onions, peppers, tomatoes, pork and steak. What? I like to cook." She defended when they just stared.

"I can see that." Kev said wryly as he sat next to him, looking between her and the food like he didn't know which surprised him more. "You really made all of this?"

"Everything but the red salsas. And the tortillas. They're still homemade, just not by me."

"Why not the red ones?"

"She doesn't like spicy things."

He hadn't meant to answer for her but Tess just nodded in agreement, and just like that they were having dinner. He didn't actively try to stay out of the conversation but he enjoyed watching them go back and forth, bantering like they'd known each other for years instead of weeks and he especially enjoyed listening to them make fun of Adam, Tess eagerly recounting the dinner they'd had together at Kevin's urging. Unbeknownst to their friend, or him when he first moved in she had installed bidets in both bathrooms, which she had conveniently forgotten to mention to Adam when he'd gone to use the restroom; the minute the door had shut behind him she'd started cackling, and hadn't explained why until a startled shout came from within a few minutes later. They all agreed it was Adam's fault for fiddling with buttons he didn't understand, a valuable lesson Tess had quipped, and though their friend had sulked it was obvious even he'd found it funny.

Jay had known she was going to get along with his team, the ones who were willing to give her a chance anyway but the more he watched the more he realized this was more than that. This wasn't just comradery it was the start of a real friendship, a great one if the way she and Kevin grinned at each other was any indication. But even though she looked totally at ease Jay knew there was so much more going on behind those sapphire eyes, a razor-sharp mind that very rarely shut down and so when he caught her giving Kevin an especially protective look he wasn't too surprised.

"It's not easy is it?"

"What's not?" His friend asked nervously as he too noticed the change, his eyes flicking to Jay like he could give him a heads-up on what was about to happen.

And he could, but he wouldn't. He may not know what she had planned but he trusted her to see it through.

He'd always trust her.

"Being a stereotype." She replied with a small shrug, swirling her margarita around in its glass. "A round peg trying to fit in a square hole."

Kevin sucked in a deep breath, sinking into his seat as he shook his head. "Nah, it's not. You got any advice on how to deal with it?"

"I got this."

Even though none of them had said it they'd all known what was coming, and yet the air still got sucked out the room when she held up the little black USB. Tess kept her attention on Kevin but Jay tried to show her, show both of them as much silent support as he could, his heart doing an odd combination of tugging and clenching as he watched their exchange.

"What's on it?" Kev asked quietly, looking between it and her like he suddenly didn't know what to make of either.

"Proof that Nolan has been coming after you. That he's ordered other cops to do the same. Who those cops are and what they've done. I kept it focused on you but there are hints of some other transgressions too." She shrugged again, like that wasn't even remotely impressive, and then her lips tilted up into an impish smirk. "And about… eighty five percent of it was obtained none illegally."

Of course it was.

She would never give them anything that could hurt more than it would help.

Jay felt a rush of affection so strong he had to stop from glaring at the island that separated them. He wanted to touch her, to take her hand and brush his thumb across the back, tell her how amazing she was, how grateful he was. But this wasn't about him.

Kevin was still looking between them, trying to wrap his head around what he'd been given. "So, I just give this to IA?"

"I won't tell you what to do with it."

Tess spoke softly but firmly and there was something in the way she looked at his partner, something it took him a second to recognize- Voight looked at them that way. The look of a leader, of someone who had been through the fire and who'd go back just to walk someone else through it.

It was an incredible look, strong and beautiful but a part of him hated it.

He didn't want to think about her burning.

"What I will do is tell you what I've learned in my decade and a half working in and fighting against an institution I was never intended to be a part of, and that worked very hard to get rid of me, and that is that while they may have the power, we are more powerful. Also, there is always a third option."

Her words were stirring and he saw the effect they had on Kevin immediately, a familiar mix of hope and trust and awe filling his friends face, his shoulders straightening as all that heaviness turned into something different. Something lighter, but stronger. He was quiet for a long minute, flipping the little black rectangle between his fingers before finally closing his fist around it.

"Thank you. I mean it." He said when Tess just nodded, leaning forward to meet her stare more fully. "I- I really appreciate this. More than I got words to say. Thank you."

"You're welcome." She said softly, and Jay swore her cheeks darkened before she popped a tortilla chip in her mouth, not very subtly flicking her eyes from him to Kevin and back until he huffed and turned to his friend.

"I'm not as good as her, but if there's anything you need you know I've got your back."

Kevin huffed his own little laugh but nodded in thanks, each holding the others stare just a touch longer than necessary, enough to make it clear these weren't empty promises- they may not have always been the closest in the past but that was then. They were building something new now.

All of them.

When they turned back to Tess she was looking incredibly pleased, almost cockily popping another chip in her mouth before she took a sip of her drink and gestured to Kevin's glass. "You want a refill?"

He seemed to really consider it but then shook his head, a bit of that anger Jay had seen earlier coming back, no longer reckless now but ready. "Nah. I think there's something else I gotta do."

"I'll put some stuff in a to-go box for you. Hunkuleses need to keep their strength up."

He couldn't help his snort at the nickname, he'd been wondering when she'd start bringing them out, then gave Kevin a look that told him he was on his own when the other man raised his brow.

"Hunkules?"

Her grin just grew as she nodded and then she hopped down and started rifling through the cupboards, he and Kev sharing another amused look while her back was turned. She loaded him up, even mixed together all the margarita flavours in a big tumbler for him, for his 'celebratory drink' after he did… whatever it was he was going to do.

He stayed at the island while Tess walked him to the door, his friend pausing on the threshold to look everything over, clearly overwhelmed by the show of support yet there was a fierceness in his eyes when he looked at her, and an understanding when he looked at Jay that had his stomach tightening with both gratitude and nerves.

"I'm with him, I can't do half of what you can, on a computer or in a kitchen but if there is ever anything you need, I got you."

Tess blinked in surprise then smiled and dipped her chin, watching as Kevin nodded one last time before he left, and then she shut the door behind him and Jay watched as her entire demeanor changed.