Chapter 5

If he was being honest nothing actually changed. It wasn't like she turned around a different person, or even in a different mood, wasn't anything discernible he could point to that would prove what he was feeling. It was just a feeling. But lately when it came to Tess that was all he had.

I'm not the same girl you knew.

"Do you think I should loop Voight in on this?"

Jay pulled himself out of his head to watch as she walked back over to the counter, looking the margarita pitchers over before she shrugged and poured herself the same concoction she'd given Kevin. When she caught him looking she raised a brow and flicked her eyes to his glass which he passed over without a word, his heart giving a sharp tug when she took his empty glass for herself and gave him her full one.

Always looking out for him.

He had to make sure he did the same for her. And he should probably start by answering her question.

He took a minute to think about it, about what would be best not just for Tess but for the whole unit, because in the long run that would be what was best for her, but all he came up with was that it didn't matter. People were going to have opinions and shit was going to happen but he trusted that whatever decisions she made would be the best ones.

"I don't think you need to. If you want to then you can, but I don't think there's anything you should do. You're not beholden to him. Or me."

He kind of slipped that last part in there but he had the feeling it'd been the right thing to say. Or at least something that needed to be said. Again there wasn't anything discernible that changed, maybe she straightened a little, ran her eyes over him a bit more critically but that was it. Whatever was going on in that beautiful mind of hers, he couldn't tell. He wouldn't be able to.

Not unless she let him.

I'm not the same girl you knew.

"I caught something. My eyes did." She said with a small shrug, her face soft but impassive as she leant against the island, one hand absentmindedly swirling the liquid in her glass. "I have a friend, Ling, she's a journalist in Hong Kong. Was. Yesterday the police there put out a warrant for her arrest, about thirty seconds before a couple teams tried to enact it."

"Is she okay?"

Who was he kidding?

If Tess was paying close enough attention that she noticed something happening halfway around the world then you could bet she'd known it was coming and had a plan in place, something she confirmed a second later with a short nod.

"I got her out in time. We knew something like this was a possibility." She shrugged again, taking a sip of her drink before she went back to swirling it, the movement so smooth and practised Jay stored the motion as one to look out for, a possible new tell. "I set her up in Toronto- there's actually a decent community of political dissidents there, so she'll fit right in." She huffed, a small, sardonic smile on her lips as she took another sip but his stomach went tight, churning with discomfort he fought to keep down.

She was going to go to Toronto.

Not for long, probably only a couple days, a week at most.

But she was still going.

"I'm going to fly in tomorrow, help her get settled in her new apartment, maybe send out some resumes. I'll only be gone a few days."

Her tone became obviously gentler and though he couldn't see or hear any guilt in it Jay had the feeling it was there, just as strong as his own was for making her feel it in the first place. He hadn't actually expected she would never leave for another op again, he wouldn't love her the way he did if she was the kind of woman who could throw her responsibilities off so easily it just- it had caught him off guard.

But that was his issue, not hers.

"Stay as long as you need to. As long as it takes. I just- I'm sorry. That must have been rough."

He was sure it had been, probably not all that difficult considering her skills but still high stress, but… enough to warrant that kind of response?

Jay didn't think so, but in a couple very subtle but unmistakable ways Tess let him know she didn't agree. This time it was easy to mark the way she straightened, the way her shoulders squared and her chin tilted up, her posture still relaxed but ready, like- like she was expecting an attack.

From him.

"Look," he said softly, trying to show her as clear as he could that he didn't want to fight, he wanted to help. "I know that whatever you did probably wasn't as easy as you just made it sound and I understand needing to do something to deal with the stress, you know I do but that- I mean, at least a cold shower numbs you-"

"If I had done that I would have killed myself."

I would have killed myself.

His heart stopped cold and he knew in an instant she wasn't talking about yesterday. And God the look she gave him, like… like he was in mourning. Like someone had died. Like she had. And she…

She had, hadn't she?

I'm not the same girl you knew.

It had been staring him in the face for weeks but he'd ignored it, acted like if he didn't see it, didn't acknowledge it then it wasn't there. Wasn't real. The phoenix, the bird that burnt itself to death so it could rise again from the ashes, not the same creature but something akin to it. Something with the same soul.

And those dark blue flames, what did they symbolize, really? Were they her way of including the tempest that also raged inside her or were they something else?

What was that poem she'd always liked?

Some say the world will end in fire, some in ice.

He'd thought she'd felt cold lately, had tried to blame it on the weather-

"It didn't happen in a single moment."

Her voice called him out of his head and he found Tess still staring at him, still giving him that same look but softer, like- like she knew this was the first time he'd let it sink in. The first time he really listened to what she'd told him.

She'd told him, and he hadn't listened.

Jay watched with his heart in his throat as she leant back, still keeping her hands on the island but putting space between them, like she needed to brace herself. Or was giving him space to.

"Not just one anyway, there were a bunch of them. But it started with Lydia. The minute, and I mean the minute I knew what had happened to her I knew what I was going to do; maybe not every detail but every step and I followed that plan to the end. Because when she died…"

They'd talked about Lydia several times now, he knew all about Keyon and the revenge she'd taken on him, which should have been a dead fucking give away but of course he'd ignored that too, but his heart still ached as she trailed off.

And then ripped in two when she continued.

"The whole world went quiet and the only voice left inside my head was mine. And I didn't realize until then how long it had been since that had happened. And I refuse to let it happen again. I know that you are only trying to help and I know that yesterday must have been terrifying as fuck for you, I really do and I am so sorry for that. I lost track of time taking care of Ling- I'd only been home for eight minutes before you got there. And I know that seeing me like that freaked you out and I get it but I'm not hurt. I am not hurting myself-"

Okay, he understood what she was saying, honestly he did and it wasn't surprising, her independence was part of why he'd fallen in love with her but that last bit was bullshit. "Tess that water was scalding!"

"Are you scalded?"

"That's not-"

"Are you? Am I? I was the one in the damn shower."

Fuck she pissed him off sometimes.

She was just standing there, frustrated for sure but so damn calm and composed and meanwhile his head was all over the fucking place, mostly bouncing between the word home which indicated she'd been somewhere else, likely one of those other properties they hadn't gotten around to seeing yet to the claim that she was fine, that there wasn't anything wrong about what had happened. But there was. He'd been there, he'd seen her and she'd- fine, she hadn't been hurt but something had been wrong about it.

Hadn't it?

"Jay…"

God the way she whispered his name, and the way she looked away from him, the tremendous weight she carried visible for just a second before she gathered herself and pushed it back, with such easy control it broke his heart.

"I am sorry that I scared you. And I am sorry that it makes you uncomfortable. But I'm not doing anything wrong. And I- I am not willing to be molded anymore."

"No, I'm not-" That wasn't- that wasn't what this was, wasn't what he wanted. "I'm not trying to mold you, or- or change you or-"

"Or fix me?"

Every rebuttal he had died on his tongue because that was exactly what he'd been trying to do. He'd been saying it all day, hell, since the moment she'd come back. That he could 'fix this'. This being her.

Fuck.

Jay sucked in a ragged breath and turned his head away; he wouldn't turn his back on her but he just needed a minute, needed to think. But his eyes kept coming back to her, where she was also looking away, each of them giving the other the space they needed to sort through this mess.

How long ago had Kevin left?

How had they gone from that to this so quickly?

How had he fucked up so badly?

He'd started this completely confident he was in the right, that Tess was hurt and she needed his help but that wasn't true. Not the way he was making it out to be. Sure she had things she was struggling with but she was dealing with them, and yeah maybe not every way she chose to do that was going to be the healthiest but could he honestly say his methods were any better? And if he was being honest wasn't he the one hiding from his demons?

He had used her pain to soothe his own guilt, showering her with tokens of his affection like if he just got her happy enough it would make up for all the ways he'd wronged her. But that wasn't how the world worked. That wasn't how Tess worked and he'd known that; he knew how much she hated being treated like a doll, like something that had to be coddled and controlled but he'd done it anyway. She had gone through hell, every form of torment that someone could imagine and instead of appreciating the strength that had gotten her through that he'd wanted her to be better.

Tess didn't need to be fixed. There wasn't anything wrong or broken about her, except how he'd been making her feel. God, how long had she felt this way and not said anything? It wasn't- this wasn't what he'd wanted at all, was the exact opposite of what he'd been trying to do. She had to know that, right? She didn't actually think he thought there was something wrong with her.

Right?

"I'm sorry."

Her eyes flicked to his the moment he spoke, the sapphire dark and penetrating and though all he wanted was to rush over and take her in his arms Jay held himself back. She needed to know that everything about this apology was genuine, that there wasn't a single part of him that wanted to push or guilt her into accepting it. That she didn't have to accept it.

He'd deserve it if she didn't.

"Tess I am- I'm so sorry. That wasn't what I was trying to do, not intentionally I just- You fix me. Or help me or mold me or whatever word you want to use. You do that for me. Every day you just constantly say the right thing and do the right thing and it makes all the fucked-up shit inside me start making sense and that was all I was trying to do. All I want to do. I just want to help."

I'm not the same girl you knew.

That had never felt more true than it did in this moment, with Tess staring at him so softly but with such passivity. She knew he hadn't meant to hurt her. Of course she did, she knew him better than he knew himself. Better than he knew her. But was that enough?

I am not willing to be molded.

How many people had tried to do that?

Tried to make her into something she didn't want to be?

That wasn't what he wanted. He loved Tess exactly the way she was, all the light bits and all the dark ones, the ones that shone and the ones that were stained with blood, phoenix or tempest he didn't care because she was his. Still his, always his. And when her eyes started to soften he could see she was thinking that too, see her fighting the parts of herself that wanted to run from what he offered, from the love, the life she was trying to build for herself. Those were the parts he wanted to change, to quiet, to shut the fuck up so she didn't ever have another moment of self-doubt again. But he couldn't do that.

No, he wouldn't do that.

If he had the power right now to take all those worries off her shoulders he wouldn't do it. It wasn't his job to solve her problems for her- it was his job to have her back while she faced them, to give her a place to rest when she needed and then pick her up, dust her off and send her back into battle. Tess could take care of herself and when she needed his help she would let him know. She always had.

Well, almost always.

"I know."

For a moment Jay actually thought she'd read his mind because he swore he hadn't spoken, he knew because he'd been clenching his jaw so tightly it was starting to ache but then she started walking towards him and he let out a rush of breath, caught between wanting to meet her halfway and fearing that any sudden movement would chase off that tender look in her eyes. Tess came right up to his side, not quite touching but close enough that he could smell the vanilla wafting off her hair, the scent that always soothed him right down to his core.

All Jay wanted was to give that to her too.

"And you do. I promise. You say the right thing and you do the right thing, just by being you. Case and point." Her brow quirked and he huffed, no longer entirely sure she couldn't read minds and half seriously testing that hypothesis by resting his hand just above her waist, waiting for her silent signal that it was okay, that she wanted his touch. And when she leant closer he gave it, sinking into the warmth of her and damn near shuddering when he felt her do the same. "You help. I promise. You just- it's hard to see when you don't have anything recent to compare to. And when… I am not as chatty as I used to be."

"I can be patient."

Now that was the right thing to say.

Tess's shoulders raised and slumped like an elephant was lifted off them, like she could finally breathe again and when he caught her quiet but shaky inhale he knew that was true. Part of him hesitated even as he pulled her in, not wanting to slip back into that over-protective role but when she settled against him he knew that this was what she needed and pulled her even closer, taking as much of her weight as she would let him. And he would keep doing that. Taking as much of her as she would give him, in whatever time she wanted to give it. If that was what she needed, if she said that he was helping then he would trust her.

And he would keep a close eye on himself to make sure he didn't slip back into bad habits.

"We should clean this up."

"Leave it till the morning." He tried to pull her back but she was already slipping out of his arms, crinkling her nose with such distaste he couldn't help chuckling.

"Ew, no. I am not waking up to the smell of leftover ground beef- it'll take like five minutes."

He rolled his eyes but took the bowls covers she passed over and quickly started popping them on the leftover food; she'd always been the kind to clean as she cooked so there really wasn't much to do but he still hurried, keeping one eye on her as he placed it all in the fridge and moved to grab the dishes. She was putting away the margarita mixes, individually which he couldn't help smirking at but there was a sluggishness to her movements that caught his attention. At first he attributed it to the lingering heaviness of all they'd just discussed but then he watched her pick up a fallen petal from one of the bouquets he'd gotten her and he didn't know why but the look on her face as she rubbed it between her fingers put everything in perspective.

Tess didn't just need to know he had her.

She needed to know he had all of her.

If his hands hadn't been full with the plates he would've grabbed her in an instant but instead he had to fumble with the dishwasher first, cursing when it refused to close before finally slamming it shut.

"Hey, what's-"

He cut her off by spinning her back against the counter and tangling one hand in her hair, angling her head so he could take her mouth as deeply as he wanted. There was no doubt she was shocked but it only took her a second until she started kissing him back, matching his fervour even though it was clear she had no idea where it was coming from. But that was okay.

He'd show her.

Jay lifted her up and placed her on the counter, swallowing her gasp until he knew she had no air left in her lungs and then he pulled away to let her refill them, gripping her chin to keep her eyes locked on his. "I love you. All of you. Every part. All the sweet ones, all the fierce ones, all the soft ones and smooth ones and jagged ones and sharp ones. Every. Single. Part."

Tess's eyes flared and softened all at once and he swore he saw a flash of tears before her hands fisted in his hair as she tugged his mouth back to hers, wrapping her legs around his waist and using her ankles to push him closer until she was the one swallowing his groan as she rubbed herself against him. God, how long had it been since he'd let himself have her like this? He'd spent the last month so fearful that if he touched her too roughly he would hurt her but that was bullshit. He wouldn't hurt her, he never had- not like this. This was the one way he and Tess always knew how to be, the language they always knew how to speak and nothing made that clearer than the sexy little hummed growl she let out as she raked her nails along his scalp, arching her back as he pushed into it so her core pressed tighter against his own; they knew each other. They knew their beasts just as much as they knew the person and if Jay wanted all of her then he had to give her all of him.

And fuck if there was anything he wanted more than that.

It took effort to pull his mouth from hers but it was worth it to tug his shirt off and feel her hands on his skin, which she somehow managed to keep touching even as he threw her own off, her bra following until he was filling his hands with her breasts. He rolled her nipples between his knuckles as she moaned his name, pinching and pulling the buds until they peaked but when she tried to tug his head down to them he moved his hands away, sliding them under her ass to carry her over to the island where he had more room to work. Her nipples were begging to be sucked, twin peaks that rose and fell with every heavy breath but she was still wearing far too many clothes for his liking. Her pants came off next and her panties with them until she was spread bare, like the most delicious dessert just for him but before he could dive in his eyes caught on the jagged scar on her thigh, the one that usually made his throat close and shivers crawl up his spine.

But not tonight.

Tonight it wasn't a reminder of her pain it was a symbol of her strength, just like the lioness on her hip.

His fierce little kitten.

He brought his mouth to the scar, kissing it the way he always did but no longer with any of the trepidation. His girl was a warrior and Jay was going to make sure she knew it. No- he was going to make sure she knew he knew it. He kissed his way up her body, finally giving into the urge to wrap his lips around her nipples, pulling them deep into his mouth until she trembled, her body straining to meet his but he kept her where she was, laying himself atop her until his forehead pressed against hers and he could gaze into those beautiful sapphire orbs. So fucking beautiful.

"Mine." Jay whispered hoarsely, gripping her tight and pulling her flush against him, as close as he could get bent over her like this, then took her hand and placed it on the side of his face before pressing his head closer. "Yours."

Tess's eyes shuttered and her own head shook lightly but he stayed where he was, waiting as she fought whatever battle she had to. The time was she would have thrown herself into his arms without a care in the world, or fear that he would drop her, and though it killed him that she didn't have that level of trust in him anymore Jay meant what he had said. He could be patient, for however long it took to earn it back. And when her hands slid into his hair a moment later, holding his head to hers as she stared up at him with those starry eyes he realized maybe he didn't have quite as far to go as he'd thought.

"Yours." Tess whispered softly, her timid smile slowly turning wicked as she hooked a leg over his waist and pushed him closer, desire making her voice husky as she brushed a kiss against his lips. "Mine."

He was all fucking hers.

With a heavy breath he turned that gentle kiss into a deep one, lips and teeth and tongue, grinding his core against hers until the denim was damp with her wetness and he thought he would go insane if he didn't get inside her. He pulled back intent on making that happen, starting with his tongue because fuck he was hungry again but before he could she stopped him with a foot on his chest, holding his stare as she drew herself upright. She raised a brow as she moved to unbuckle his belt, a signal for him to stay still but he just grinned, taking his turn to run his fingers through her hair, tugging her head back so he could suckle her neck while she pushed his jeans and boxers down. The sound he let out when her hand wrapped around him was nothing short of animalistic and he couldn't help thrusting into her grip, desperate for more. What little control he had was fraying and then Tess pushed him back, just enough to give her room to slide off the island before she turned around, pushing her ass out towards him as she gazed over her shoulder and it snapped.

He surged forward, wrapping one arm around her waist while he fisted his cock in his other hand and started running it along her entrance, coating himself in her slickness. She moaned and pushed back against him, letting out another hum-growl until she reached back and dug her nails into his hip, so hard he hissed.

"Fuck me, Ranger."

That was all he needed to hear so he drove into her, taking her hard and fast as she bent over the counter, nodding like she'd been waiting for this. And hadn't she?

Hadn't both of them?

Any way he was with her made his soul sing and there was something to be said for romance and candlelight, soft, slow kisses and hours spent worshipping each other but there was also something to be said for hard, rough sex, for teasing touches and dirty words and making each other cum so hard they blacked out. And if the way her hips pushed back against his was any indication the latter was exactly what Tess needed. Jay hadn't realized how badly he'd needed this, needed to be reminded that as dangerous as the world was neither one of them was fragile- he could handle whatever Tess threw at him and she could take whatever he gave her.

And right now he was going to give her everything he had.

He spread his legs to steady himself and started fucking her harder, pounding his cock into her with every bit of love and rage he'd kept pent-up inside, alternating between trailing his hands down the curve of her back, and the other scar that no longer made him as sick as it once had to pinching her nipples, trying to draw out as many of her little whimpers as he could. When he felt her start to shake he picked up his pace, pulling her up so her back pressed against his chest, his own shudder running through him when she reached behind her to tangle her fingers in his hair, her other hand falling to grip the arm he had wrapped around her waist; all he could hear was the sound of their breaths, ragged and heated but in perfect sync and then Tess choked out a gasp, throwing her head onto his shoulder as her orgasm tore through her. Her pussy convulsed around him, so fucking tight and so fucking wet he only lasted a few more strokes before he was cumming too, burrowing his head in her neck even as his hips kept rolling, like he couldn't bear to stop fucking her. He couldn't.

He wouldn't.

Just as soon as he caught his breath.

Tess pulled him with her as she slumped against the island but Jay only stayed there until his legs stopped feeling like jelly and then he pulled out of her, unable to help his pleased smile when she made a disgruntled noise. She went easily when he turned her around, nestling into him as he scooped her up, aiming for the sunroom since the stairs felt like too much effort. Aelin chirped at them as they collapsed on the cushions but they both just waved at her until she moved to give them room and for a few blissful moments they just rested against each other, his head now burrowed in her chest while his hands trailed lazily along whatever parts of her he could reach. His body felt lighter than it had in weeks, years even and his heart felt like it was soaring, like nothing in the world could keep him down. So long as-

Sapphire eyes fluttered open as he shifted to look at Tess and the smile she gave him put all his worries to rest, that light, happy feeling inside his chest expanding as she cupped his cheek, her thumb brushing gently along his jaw.

"Mine." Tess whispered, chuckling when he pushed himself up to steal another kiss, his lips staying just an inch above hers as he nodded.

"Yours."

She let out her own pleased little hum, both tightening their holds as they pulled each other closer. "Yours."

"Mine."

All fucking his.