Chapter 6

Eight Years Ago

He was acting like a child.

An actual fucking child, but he couldn't help it.

Couldn't help his pout as he looked at the empty side of his bed where Tess's scent still wafted off the sheets, couldn't help the way that smell had his heart aching as he grumpily threw off the covers before messily pulling them back up or the way he ripped his clothes out of his dresser, half of which also smelt like her, slamming the drawers shut as he went. Even the way he put his clothes on was ridiculous, yanking them on like he was a toddler having a temper tantrum. It was unbecoming of a former Ranger, an Army Lieutenant, of a Chicago police officer but apparently none of his training or accomplishments meant a damn thing when it came to missing the woman he loved.

And apparently he wasn't even being subtle about it because when he looked up he caught Mouse poking his head into his room, his friend cringing at his scowl before he shot him a slightly sympathetic but mostly amused look.

"Dude. It hasn't even been 24 hours. It hasn't even been 12 hours. Don't you think it's a little early to be this surly?"

"My girlfriend just went off on an unsanctioned mission. Alone. I'm allowed to not like it."

"Your girlfriend goes off on sanctioned missions all the time and she does a lot of those by herself. And I'm pretty sure all of them toe the line of legality."

"I'm still allowed to not like it." Jay mumbled, though he was a little less aggressive as he pulled on his shirt.

He knew what his friend was saying was true. He knew it, was proud of her for it, but that didn't mean he was always going to like it. And he'd realized a couple years ago, Tess had made him realize, that sometimes he just had to let himself feel bad, feel his anger and fear and loneliness instead of pushing it away and pretending it wasn't there until it finally blew up in his face, or worse, and most often, in hers or Mouse's. It was hard, went against pretty much every instinct he had but he was getting better at it. Slowly. What he wasn't better at, or just good at in general was pulling himself out of it afterwards. He had a bad habit of going down what Tess liked to call 'shame spirals', occasionally the more specific 'Catholic shame spiral' because she was never one to shy away from pointing out the damage caused by the often white religious patriarchy. Sometimes it felt like for every ounce of discomfort he had towards vulnerability she had two of just complete ease, not that she was unaffected by it but that she was so used to the process that it was like second nature to her.

It was why they worked so well together.

When Tess was sad or hurting he would hold her, giving her the safe space she needed and listening as she bared her soul and when he was the one who was upset she did that for him, pushing him, or calming him down when necessary, until he was ready to do the same. Without her around, without her light he struggled to pull himself out of that darkness, out of the childish, adolescent mindset that he was stuck in right now.

Luckily, he didn't have to do it all by himself.

"Dude."

He looked up at Mouse who was still leaning against his doorframe, shaking his head as he looked him over. "What?"

"We need to get you out of the house. ASAP. Lucky for you I know exactly what we're doing today."

"And that would be?"

"We're gonna grab breakfast for ourselves and then we're going to pick something up for Lydia."

For the first time since he'd noticed something was wrong last night Jay felt himself brighten- if he couldn't look after Tess looking after her aunt was the next closest thing.

"There's my boys!"

Lydia stood up from behind her desk with a bright grin that was at least half directed towards them, the other half towards the box he held in his hands, the one she started eagerly twiddling her fingers at.

Sometimes the similarities between her and her niece were eerily uncanny.

"You two are so sweet." She crooned as she opened the box, doing the same little shoulder shuffle Tess did when she saw all the pastries inside. "Although while I love having you visit me at work, and I do, I have a feeling this visit isn't entirely about me."

Mouse snorted, accepting her hug before he took a seat, raising his brows at Jay as he took his turn giving Lydia a tight squeeze- he still missed his mom, still and probably always would grieve her loss but the woman in front of them had done a good job of filling that void.

"Hey, I'd come see you every day if I could. But you're right- I had to get this one out of the house before he filled it up with his tears."

"Shut up."

Lydia just laughed at their banter, though she gave Mouse a little flick on the side of his head before turning her attention to him. "You worried about her?"

"Yeah." He replied with a shrug, following as she guided him over to a chair, both men waving her off when she tried to offer them some of the treats. "She called you already?"

"Last night. You think she'd leave without letting me know?"

He shrugged again which resulted in him getting his own flick, also something Tess did to them, though more often and with more force.

What was she doing right now?

She'd made it to Cuba late last night, he knew because she'd texted them around 3am when she'd landed, then again a little after 4am when she'd made it to her friends place, 5am with the time difference. Knowing her she would've gone straight to work getting all the information she could, whatever she hadn't been able to find out herself in the air, and probably, hopefully, had grabbed at least an hour or two of sleep before heading out to start her search.

Had she found where they were hiding yet?

Did she know how many men she was up against?

How trained they were, how armed?

They were drug smugglers so it wasn't like they were the most dangerous criminals she'd ever dealt with but in his experience there wasn't much honour among thieves. And all it took was one shot. One lucky hit, one stray bullet and she could be gone. His chest ached at the thought, then squeezed tight with fear at the one that followed because there were worse things than being killed. Things that made his stomach turn, one horrible scenario after another flashing through his mind until he was snapped out of it, literally, by Lydia snapping her fingers together in front of his face, her brows knit together with a familiar mix of concern and resolution.

"Eat."

She held out one of the little pastries but though his stomach kept churning he took it- he knew better than to argue, especially when she brought out the mom tone. Still he flicked his eyes over to Mouse as he took a small nibble and when he saw that his friend had the same look of concern Jay felt himself deflate, frustration quickly taking the place of his fear.

He should be better than this.

He usually was, something about this time just had him stuck, had him-

"You think I should let him figure it out himself or just tell him?"

"It'd save us both some time if you just told him."

"Told me what?"

"What's bothering you." Lydia replied smartly, motioning for him to take another bite as she cocked her head. "You're pretty easy to read kid."

He'd like to say otherwise, but apparently he'd be lying.

His next bite was more aggressive and both Mouse and Lydia smirked in response, the latter stepping back to lean against her desk as he nodded at her. "Alright. Lay it on me."

"Let's start by you telling me what you think it is."

"Such a mom."

She shot a mild glare at Mouse but he just grinned back and after another annoyed look she kicked her leg lightly at his, a silent demand to start talking.

So he did.

"I know she can take care of herself, it's not like I doubt her, but it's still dangerous. Really fucking-"

Jay caught himself, not at his language, Lydia heard him curse all the time and herself had a mouth that was almost as foul as her nieces but he still hated adding his worries onto hers, even though she'd made it clear years ago that just because she didn't have the same field experience as the rest of them didn't mean she didn't have an imagination. Or a T.V. She was perfectly capable of creating her own worse case scenarios and as if to remind him of that she gave him another nudge, this time with her brows raised.

So much like her niece.

Like how he pictured Tess would be with her own children.

With their children.

That thought, that image of the future made the fear in his chest spike but it also loosened his tongue, his worries tumbling out like if he aired them he had a better chance of stopping them from coming true.

"I know she can handle herself, it's just- it's different this time. No one but us knows she's there, if anything goes wrong she doesn't have any support, she doesn't have her team, doesn't have Mouse or-"

Or him.

The soft looks of understanding on Lydia's and Mouse's faces told him they'd put that together already, probably the minute they'd learned she was leaving, and that once again he was the last one to figure it out.

Why was everyone else so much better at knowing his mind than he was?

Why was he so worried about Tess?

Why did he feel so guilty that he hadn't gone with her?

She hadn't expected him to, that had been clear from her reaction when Mouse had offered but for some reason he felt like he was letting her down. Like… like he'd abandoned her. The worst part was Jay knew that he hadn't, knew that she or anybody else would think that, but the feeling was still there. And fucking strong.

"Alright, I am going to share something."

He looked back to Lydia who was still gazing at him softly, but though her eyes flicked between him and Mouse he knew it was primarily him she was speaking to.

"You know I worry about her. Always have and always will, but… I worry less when she's on her own."

"Seriously?"

"Hey."

She gave Mouse an admonishing but still slightly hurt look and his friend quickly raised his hands. "No judgement, I just… that is not the usual reaction."

"Tess isn't your usual person."

Well that was true.

She was something else entirely.

An operative.

A ghost.

A tempest.

The older woman sighed, shifting carefully to avoid knocking over the many knickknacks on her desk until she sat properly atop it. "From the moment that girl developed fine motor skills she was doing amazing shit- dangerous shit like sticking her fingers in electrical sockets and taking apart toasters, but every time she hurt herself she just cried for a bit and then kept plugging away, onto the next new thing. And she was never afraid to ask for help but… The most incredible things she's ever done have always been when she was on her own. It's when she's with others that I worry because-"

"Because she always puts them first."

Lydia nodded, proud but sad, and he and Mouse shared a look. It was a common theme among soldiers, anyone in a first responder role, but Tess took it to a whole other level; even they knew that and they'd only seen her in the field a handful of times. Though each time she'd saved their asses and almost single-handedly solved whatever problem they'd been facing.

"I don't know if it has to do with her parents, or if it's just her nature. Probably both." Lydia shook her head and shrugged, letting out another loud sigh before she plucked out one of the pastries and took a large bite, finishing chewing before she continued. "It's who she is. What she's chosen to do with her life. Not the usual, but every bit as valuable as what everyone else chooses."

His first thought was doubt but before it had a chance to sink in her foot swung out, hitting him in the shin.

Not as hard as Tess would have done it, but still firm.

"Every. Bit. No more, no less."

"Such a mom."

Jay couldn't help snorting at Mouse but when Lydia turned her glare on him he gave her a soft look, tapping his foot against hers before he motioned to the pastry box. "Can I have one more?"

"Me too!"

"We'll split one."

This time he was the one who glared at Mouse but his friend just waved him off, shooting Lydia a charming smile when she passed him a treat then him a grin when he ripped it in two. And took the larger half. Still he took what he was offered, only turning it over in his hands for a moment before he popped it in his mouth.

It was sweet, made him think of Tess, but without the bitterness he'd been feeling ever since he'd crawled into bed without her. He still had trouble believing anything he could do could be as valuable as what she did, she literally saved the world, but most of his fear had evaporated.

His Wonder Woman could take care of herself, whatever she was facing.