Chapter 8

Hailey stared Tess down with such certainty, such righteousness that the tight lid he'd been keeping on his temper the last few weeks almost shot off, stopped only by Tess's gentle hand on his knee.

"Actually, I do."

She paused for a moment, picking her words, and no one moved, no one even fucking breathed, all their attention laser focused on the two women.

Jay hated it.

Hated that they had an audience, that this conversation even needed to happen. That once again he was letting Tess handle it. But she had asked him to this time, and though he clearly couldn't let things between Hailey and himself continue as they were he understood that this particular moment was between them. And as much as he cared about them, both of them, he stood firmly behind Tess. Always would but especially on this, because Tess and his dad…

Talk about a complicated relationship.

"I understand that you were there when his father died, but I was there when he was alive. I slept in his house and ate dinner at his table, and him at ours. We spent Easter's and Fourths of July and Thanksgivings and Christmases together, along with one very awkward New Years. I held his hand when he cried over losing his wife and he held mine when I cried over losing Jay. So when I say he is acting like his father I'm not just telling the truth, I am doing something he asked me to so that he doesn't end up like the curmudgeonly old bastard."

She took another brief pause and he pressed his knee tight against hers, a silent reminder he was right beside her, that he had her.

But as she reminded him that hadn't always been the case.

"I do not discount your place or your influence in his life. Please do not discount mine."

That was exactly what he'd done. Why they were all in this mess.

He had acted like because Tess wasn't actively in his life that he could pretend she never had been, like he could hide away every trace of that influence. And he had. Sometimes outright ignored it out of spite, always to his detriment. Usually his teams too. None of this would have ever happened if he'd just come clean about her.

If he'd just fought for her.

The soft but unmistakable sound of an alarm rang through the tense silence and everyone's attention turned entirely to Tess as she pulled out her phone, nodding at something on the screen before she flashed an awkward smile around the table. "Excuse me- I need to take this."

Jay pushed back from his seat immediately, and more than a bit roughly, refusing to take his eyes off Hailey's face even as he stepped back to let Tess slip past him; it took her a second to meet his stare and he could see her regret the second she did, and it broke his heart, but it wasn't enough. Not enough to stop his anger and sure as hell not enough to stop his guilt. All of this was his fault, his, and yet no one was blaming him, no one was taking their anger out on him- they were taking it out on the person who deserved it least. He hoped Hailey could see that in his eyes because he didn't have time to express it, not when the next thing he knew Tess was breaking out in a string of…Mandarin? Cantonese? He had trouble telling the difference but it didn't matter because clearly something was going on.

God what if something had happened with Ling?

He rushed to follow as she headed for the exit, only sparing a brief glance for Kevin who took one look at him and then held his hand out to stop the others who were rising too. He couldn't think about them right now- the only one who mattered was Tess. Jay almost didn't bother looking her over, not beyond what was automatic but he paid extra close attention to her words, straining to catch anything he might understand. Over the years he'd picked up a lot just by being around her, not to mention she'd tried to teach him as many languages as possible, wanting to give him any advantage she could, but it turned out his drug and gun knowledge wasn't helpful here.

Knowing her take-out order was though.

"You just said pork spring roll!"

She froze but the slight widening of her eyes had understanding washing over him. She'd called herself. Or had a program do it, either way he'd bet his badge there wasn't anyone on the other end. He snatched her phone to check and sure enough while the screen appeared to have a call, under the name Cas which he filed away, there was no one on the line. She'd created her own diversion. It was smart, and really not surprising, but something about it still made his heart give a painful squeeze.

Just how protected had she made herself?

How isolated?

He didn't get long to think about it because the next thing he knew the door to Molly's was swinging open and Hailey was stepping out, her look of contrition doing little to curb his frustration.

"Hey, listen-"

"No."

"Fuck off."

Jay shot Tess a fierce glare and was unsurprised to find her shooting one right back, while Hailey just looked apprehensively between them, clearly regretting having followed them out.

Too bad she couldn't have held her tongue earlier so they could have avoided all of this.

"I will throw you over my fucking shoulder."

The threat just came out when he saw Tess open her mouth but considering she shut it right away he didn't really mind, though the emotions he was struggling to contain surged when she looked to Hailey, both trying to gauge how serious he was. And while his old partner may not have seen him pull that particular stunt both women were well-versed in how he got when he was pushed too far.

Tess clearly decided it wasn't worth seeing just how close to that line he was, though of course being her she couldn't just walk away; she turned to face Hailey completely, her back straight but her shoulders drooping as she looked the other woman over. "You had every right to say what you said. And I had every right to say what I said. And he has every right to be a drama queen. We are all doing the best we can with an uncomfortable situation so maybe we should all be a little kinder to ourselves and each other."

With that she turned and started heading for the car, thank fuck not trying to go back inside, and for the first time in weeks he and Hailey were left alone.

There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to, but not here.

Not now.

Because as angry as he was and as much as he wanted to let it all out Jay knew he had to do this properly. He owed Hailey that. And Tess. Owed himself that too, not that he was very high up on his list of priorities. So when she opened her mouth again he just shook his head, giving her one last long look before he walked away; he hated that he was hurting her, even more than he hated that she was hurting him, but he couldn't think about her right now. Tess had to be his priority, but as per usual it was hard for him to tell what she was thinking. He knew how close she'd been with his dad, closer than him in some ways, and though she hadn't talked about it much he knew she was carrying a shitload of guilt when it came to his death, not just for not making it to the funeral but knowing her for not finding a way to save him. Hell she probably took responsibility for the state of their relationship too, even though she was the only reason it was as good as it had been. She was carrying so much more than she had to, and yet she was the one comforting him.

He hadn't noticed they'd made it to his truck but he noticed when she came up beside him, the weight of her chin on his shoulder and the gentle brush of her thumbs on his arm pushing back the anger that clouded his mind. Her touch was always a comfort but even as he sank into it another part of him cringed, frustrated he couldn't provide that for himself. Jay prided himself on his control, on his ability to be rational but there were times he lost all of that and no one but Tess was capable of bringing him back. Others tried, some even came close, but he only ever accepted their help after he'd already fucked up. Having her here was a blessing but it also reminded him just how dependent on her he was.

"Do you want me to drive?"

Though not for everything.

"Not a chance."

He felt her eye roll, and he definitely felt the pinch on his bicep as she stepped back, sapphire eyes twinkling impishly. "So possessive."

"I've seen you drive. That Canadian road rage is no joke."

"Okay my road rage may be more verbal than yours," that was putting it mildly, "but you are way less chill. Also, my SUV beats your truck, hands down."

"Yeah, cause it's a literal tank."

"A tank you're jealous of."

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes but like she'd intended the weight that had felt like it was going to crush him had lifted, enough that he huffed a laugh as he hopped behind the wheel; he wasn't kidding when he said tank. She turned on the radio and they fell back into silence as he drove, but he knew it wasn't going to last long- Tess loved talking in the car. He was pretty sure part of that was just because she knew how much he hated it, it was akin to torture for him to be so close to her and yet not be able to touch or even look at her properly, although by this point they'd done it so many times he swore he could predict exactly how conversation would go, down to way she'd cross her legs.

Right over left followed by right tucked under left, which was different from left over right, always angled so that she faced him but could still look out the windshield when prolonged eye contact became too much.

"I should have gone with the bath."

"What bath?" He asked with a glance, doing a double take when he caught her slow blink and the slight pursing of her lips.

She hadn't meant to say that.

But she had and there was no turning back so just like he'd thought Tess turned to face him, her right leg slipping over her left as she shrugged. "That was my first plan. I was going to surprise you when you came home by being in the bath."

It was his turn to blink, because of fucking course it'd been, and Jay didn't realize he'd started laughing until she made a face, understandable given she didn't know that had also been his plan. Only they would have the same idea and ignore it in favour of something they thought the other wanted more.

And both be wrong.

It took him a minute to catch his breath but though he could feel her confusion she didn't push, though her brows were arched pretty high when he finally turned back to her. "That was my plan. I was going to wait until you told me you were on your way back from the airport and then run you a bath."

Her mouth actually dropped open before her lips pursed again and he watched as she went through the same thought process he had, and found his own grin growing. "You do realize I get to use this the next time I don't want to go out?"

"You get to use it?"

"I'm the one that said no!"

"Well, should've thrown me over your shoulder then." She said with a laugh, and the sound pushed back the rest of the heaviness that had gathered over them.

That was exactly what he was doing next time.

Audience or not.

Jay shook his head again then looked to find her smiling at him, her hand moving for his the second he lifted it from the wheel. He would've been fine to leave it there, just go home and have that bath, but he knew she wouldn't be- they still had a lot to talk about and at least a twenty-minute drive back to the marina.

"I meant what I said." Tess said softly, so calm he wondered what she'd been thinking about while he'd been stuck in his anger. Could she really be as fine as she sounded? "I had every right to say those things to Hailey. And she had every right to say what she said to me."

"No, she didn't."

"Jay-"

"She never even met him!"

"But she was there. In a way that I wasn't and neither of us get to take that away from her."

He opened his mouth to object, that wasn't at all what he was trying to do but with a simple look she reminded him that what he intended and what someone experienced weren't always the same thing.

"We were in a tense conversation in what was already a tense situation and I made a comment that, to be fair, everyone was surprised by. But because she knows how hard that was for you she took offence. She stood up for you. Considering all the silence between the two of you lately I lean towards thinking that's a good thing."

Sometimes he really hated how sensible she could be.

Mostly because she usually only was in those moments that he wasn't, but Jay supposed that was why they worked so well together. They balanced each other out.

That was what he'd liked about having Hailey as his partner.

It had taken him a while to feel comfortable around her, especially after everything that had gone down with Erin but right from the beginning she had proved she would show up for him. First with Morgan, the little girl he'd accidentally killed when his bullet had gone through an offender, through a doorway and then into her neck, and then after the death of Luis Vega, a former Ranger he'd met while undercover who'd been working with a group abducting children; Jay had convinced him to help rescue the kid instead, but he'd been killed in the firefight. Hailey had also been the one to step in when she found out he'd begun dating Luis's sister Camila, a situation that could've cost him his job when it came out that Camila was dealing, and that her supplier had murdered a DEA agent. Hell if she hadn't threatened to find a new partner Jay never would have gone to therapy. And as much as he didn't want to admit it right now she had been there for him after his fathers death, had been the one to find him with two bullets in his vest and another in his side after he'd gone rogue to take down the man responsible. And there were so many other times, so many moments where she'd had his back but it got hard to focus on them because something else was tugging at the back of his mind, something Tess had said earlier that for some reason he hadn't fully comprehended until now.

I held his hand when he cried over losing his wife and he held mine when I cried over losing Jay.

When the fuck had that happened?

"You never told me that."

"Told you what?"

"About you and my dad." He said quietly, stealing as many glances as he could while still navigating the road- this was why he hated having these conversations in the car.

She hadn't been expecting the question so at least he got a genuine reaction, however brief, the pause before her eyes widened and her mouth formed a soft 'o', the deep but silent inhale as she readied herself. Sometimes Jay wondered how much of her was different as it was just bigger.

Or in some cases smaller.

"Well, obviously the first time was after your mom passed. I woke up early one morning and braved going downstairs to get some water and he was just… sitting on the couch. Crying."

"And he let you hold his hand?"

She snorted but nodded, looking just as confused as he felt- his father had not been one for physical affection. Or any kind of affection. "I was shocked too. I don't even know what made me do it, I just sat down next to him and when he didn't immediately tell me to piss off I just… took it. We didn't make eye contact once, and we sure as hell never spoke about it, we just… we had an understanding."

She'd done it because she was a good person, because she couldn't stand to see anyone in pain, but his dad?

"And when he…?"

There was another pause, another deep but silent breath, very deep, but even watching it nothing could have prepared him for what she said.

"It was after Derek Keyes took you."

What?

That… that had been years ago. Four actually, maybe even closer to five now but it felt like a lifetime. The heroin kingpin had grabbed him while he'd been undercover and Erin had been sent in to get him. She'd been the last person he'd been expecting, she'd still been on her 'sabbatical' after Nadia's death, but she'd come back to help him. But… there had been a moment when Keyes men had been beating him where he'd imagined it was Tess bursting through the door to save him; it had been after she'd left so he hadn't really expected it, though to this day he had his doubts on whether his team had found him entirely on their own. But before he could ask she kept going, and her answer threw him completely off track.

"By the time I got stateside you were already in the hospital. I knew I wasn't going to let you see me but I still wanted to be nearby so I sat outside for a couple hours; after a while I felt someone watching me and when I looked up… he was not happy. For a solid ten minutes we just sat beside each other in awkward silence and then… He told me he knew I wasn't a contractor."

"What?"

She just shrugged and shifted, her right leg tucking underneath the left, looking nowhere near as perplexed as he felt. "Apparently we didn't give him nearly as much credit as we should have. He was an observant son of a bitch."

He'd known.

His father had known the truth about her but he hadn't said anything. Why?

When had he figured it out?

"He asked me if I was going to go inside and when I said no… he took my hand. We sat there for another ten, twenty minutes and then he went in. And I never saw him again."

The soft hitch in her voice pulled his attention back to Tess, good because he probably wasn't ever going to get the answers to the questions swirling around inside his head, and he gave her hand a tight squeeze, mimicking the one in his heart as he remembered what had happened when his father had come to see him.

That he'd come in the first place had been surprising enough, but now it made so much more sense.

"He held my hand. When he came inside. He sat by my bed, took my hand, then turned on the TV."

She snorted and he huffed his own small laugh, because if he didn't he honestly thought that he might cry, pressing a firm kiss to her fingers and then one to the side of her head before he had to put his attention back on the road. His mind was reeling, but Jay knew one thing was certain.

"We're so having that fucking bath."