Chapter 4

Present Day

Her body felt heavy.

So heavy that for a brief moment as she struggled to return to consciousness panic rose inside her and turned the weight that pulled her into the mattress into one that pressed, into a body atop her own, arms and legs pinning hers in place, rancid breath on her-

With a violent jerk Tess woke, the flailing of her limbs soothing her fear before her mind could even finish confirming there was no threat. Not here. Not now. There was just sunlight streaming through the curtains and the not-too-distant cries of seagulls and ship horns, and Aelin nuzzling her shoulder. She had been the weight she'd felt, curled up on her chest as she so often did, now giving kisses the way she did when she knew she'd startled her.

It might be odd to consider a cat one of your closest companions but Tess did, unequivocally; there were few people who saw her in her most vulnerable moments and fewer still she felt comfortable cuddling up to like this. And though her feline friend may not be able to understand everything she sure as shit understood a lot, and had never once made her feel anything less than loved. Her hand came up to stroke her soft fur while the other stretched across the mattress, automatically seeking the warmth and comfort of the other person she'd come to rely on but all she grasped were fistfuls of the comforter.

Though it still felt heavy, unreasonably so she lifted her head, blinking blearily at the empty bed before her eyes landed on the folded piece of paper on the nightstand. It took more effort than it should have to roll over and grab it and after a pitiful whine and a beseeching look Aelin brought it over for her, dropping it in her open palm before she curled back up against her stomach, but this time her presence did little to soften the blow when Tess finally flipped it open.

I love you.

The words themselves weren't surprising, Jay had left this exact same note at least a few dozen times in the last six weeks alone but her gut still clenched as she took in his bold but immaculate pen strokes, so different from her own childlike chicken scratch. Not because of the sentiment, well maybe a little, but only because she could so clearly picture him not knowing what else to write.

Suddenly she remembered exactly why she was so tired, why her limbs and heart felt so heavy- Jay had found her in the shower last night.

One of her showers.

She still couldn't remember how long she'd been in there but she did remember how full of steam her room had been when he'd pulled her out, how it had billowed over them when he'd carried her onto the deck, his body curled over hers where he'd held her cradled against his chest. She remembered the look he'd given her. The horror and guilt that hadn't waned in the slightest during the ten minutes they'd had before he'd had to rush back to work; she'd waited until the door had shut behind him to sink to the floor, where she'd stayed for a long time after. The last thing she could recall was taking a couple gummies, not enough to really do anything, she'd just wanted something to quiet her mind but after all the mental energy she'd expended earlier they must have knocked her out instead. Which meant that when he got home he must have found her passed out on the couch, must have carried her up here and tucked her in, probably spending a long while after that just staring at her, wallowing in his guilt.

Fuck.

What must he think of her?

That she was broken. That he had to fix her.

The truth of that answer rankled her, chasing off the heaviness that was keeping her chained to the bed and before she knew it Tess was stalking back into the shower, glaring and damn near baring her teeth at the faucet before she yanked it right to the middle point. The compromise of the lukewarm water irked her even more, even as her own guilt started rising up, so many emotions warring inside her and this time she knew she couldn't burn them out or smoke them away. She had to let them fight and see who came out on top.

But not now.

Not here.

She needed to go somewhere her screams wouldn't echo when she finally released all her frustrations.

Tess stayed under the spray only long enough that she stopped feeling so sluggish and then she slipped out, pausing a moment to stare at the clothes scattered on the floor. There was only one set, the one she'd just thrown off which meant that Jay had picked up the ones she'd left there last night. Her shoulders drooped at the thought, lower than she liked and she scrubbed a hand over her face as she took a deep breath, shaking her head as she traded her towel for a pair of athletic leggings and top, quickly but thoroughly, and admittedly grumpily cleaning up behind herself. She only stopped to slip on her sneakers and grab an orange juice, then again when Aelin slipped past her out the front door.

"You coming too?"

The cat's little chirp was a clear yes, an indication she felt Tess shouldn't be left alone but though she made a face the idea of having company actually cheered her up so she just twiddled her fingers, shooing her forward so they could make their way down the dock together.

She was going back to the Tower, except this time it wasn't her computers she was going to be working on it was her Wing-Chun dummy, one of her favourite pieces of martial arts training equipment. And her treadmill. She needed to tire herself out. Maybe a swim too. A soak in the hot tub to finish it all off if she'd gotten her mind sorted by then, which hopefully she would. Though now she was thinking about it she would need to go on her computers- Ling was probably halfway to Toronto by now, maybe a little less with her layovers but she needed to check in and see how she was doing.

See what else she had to do.

Fuck this was one long ass day.

And it wasn't even close to being over yet.

This next part was likely to go smoothly, at least she figured it would but the part after this one… her hand automatically drifted to her pocket, not slipping inside but pressing firmly enough that she could trace the outline of the slim black USB stored there, and the little piece of paper behind it.

I love you.

She hadn't meant to take Jay's note with her when she left this morning but somehow as she'd been cleaning it had found its way into her pocket and she hadn't stopped touching it since. And not always softly the way she was now- she'd definitely crumpled it a few times, and then carefully, irritatingly painstakingly smoothed it back out, but now wasn't the time to think about that. That would be the next part. Right now she had other things to do.

Currently that was making tacos. Well actually everything was already cooked she was just laying it out, buffet style because she was pretty sure Kevin could pack it in. Actually she'd be disappointed if he couldn't, although if that was the case it would likely only be because his stomach was too tight to fit anything else.

He had a lot on his mind.

Adam had been shot. He was fine, his vest had caught it, but that wasn't what had caught Tess's attention. Well, it had, but more important to her was the fact that it had only happened because the corrupt, racist cops going after Kevin had deemed it necessary to deny all of Intelligence the protection they were owed by their brothers in blue. Kenny Nolan, the man leading the charge had been upping his game the last few weeks, starting with planting a kilo of heroin in Kevin's trunk, which her boyfriend had helped find and get rid of, followed by bugging his home, which she'd shut down before his men had even finished setting up, all the way to organizing a beat down, which as it turned out was part of why Jay had been so freaked out yesterday. He'd texted her during her meeting with Sam, asking for her help, but she'd missed it. For the next fifteen hours. Realizing that had upped her guilt and lessened her frustration, which had in turn raised the hackles on yet another part of her, a vicious cycle that while had certainly calmed was nowhere near done brewing; a storm was going to break tonight, of that Tess was sure, she just didn't know what kind yet. Or what kind of destruction would be left in its wake.

But that was later.

Now she had to finish the margaritas.

Lime, raspberry and mango, because why not challenge herself? It wasn't like she'd been able to today. In between gathering everything she needed on Nolan and getting Ling set up in Toronto she'd only had time to get a short workout in, a palsy two hours, which might sound like a lot by someone else's standards but was not nearly long enough for her to sort out all the shit that was going on in her head. Which was where the cooking came in. It wasn't the physical release she'd been hoping for but it was still busy work, requiring creativity and an eye for detail. And she was hoping it was going to be exactly what Kevin needed because after the way he'd been treated the last few weeks, with all the weight he had on his shoulders and the guilt he was no doubt carrying from today's incident he could use all the support he could get.

So that was exactly what Tess was going to give him.

She knew what it was like to be let down by the system you swore to serve, knew how it felt to go from friend to foe but when the system that was supposed to protect you didn't just deny that protection but actively began to target you?

Well that was something she wouldn't stand for.

They're here.

Showtime.

She took a swig of her margarita, she'd chosen raspberry, then shook her body to release as much tension as she could, cracking her neck and back before she let her hips fall into the rhythm of the song blaring through her speakers. It might be from one of the Bad Boys movies, but whatever. She liked it. She'd only just finished sprinkling the last of the cilantro on top of the pork when Jay and Kevin walked in, both stopping wide-eyed as they took in the spread.

She might have gone a tad overboard.

Oh well. Too late now.

"Buena's noches!" Picking up their drinks Tess shot them each a broad grin as she passed them over. "I thought about putting them in very tiny glasses but the last time I pulled that John accidentally broke his so I figured I better not."

Kevin laughed, he and the others, at least he, Kim and Adam had heard enough stories of her team by now that they knew them by name, then let out an appreciative hum as he took his first sip. "Damn. You can put this in whatever kinda glass you want, I'ma drink it."

Her cheeks actually twinged she smiled so broadly, and though she didn't let it fall as she turned to wave him in the next one to hit her was not so comfortable. Jay clearly felt as hesitant as she did but when she met his stare some of the wariness in it melted, though of course none of the concern, which made her question just what his reasoning was for brushing his free hand down her back as he followed her into the kitchen. But did it matter? Whatever he was thinking, he had a right to. Neither of them said anything to each other as he shrugged off his jacket before grabbing a seat at the island, in the spot next to Kevin, which left her by herself on the other side.

That was the way she'd wanted it, why she had arranged the plates that way, and yet the distance sent another uncomfortable niggle through her.

"Told you." Jay gave his friend a small wink before taking his own sip, he'd chosen classic lime while Kevin had gone for mango, then shot her another tender but still anxious look, which she returned even as her gut tightened when she noticed Kevin noting their glances.

It was obvious he knew something was going on, and even more obvious he had no idea what, and that only made her feel worse- it was bad enough there was tension between her and Jay, she didn't want it to interfere with his friends and his work too.

Okay. It was okay.

She could do this.

Just one thing at a time. She took her seat, and one more quick sip of her drink, then started pointing out the different dishes.

"Alright, we have tortillas, guac, salsa; spicy, mild and Verde, sour cream, cotija cheese, onions, peppers, tomatoes, pork and steak." Once again both men stared at her wide-eyed but Tess just shrugged. "What? I like to cook."

"I can see that." Kevin looked between her, Jay and the food one more time before he too slipped off his jacket and took his seat, and though his smile got smaller his shoulders lifted, a visible tension rising off them. "You really made all of this?"

"Everything but the red salsas. And the tortillas. They're still homemade, just not by me."

He nodded, looking everything over with a slightly more critical eye as he started building his first taco. "Why not the red ones?"

"She doesn't like spicy things."

Kevin's brows rose in surprise but she just shrugged, nodding as Jay scooped up an especially large dollop of the fiery red salsa while she loaded hers up with cheese and sour cream. "I can handle it, I just don't like it. Stereotypical white lady."

Both men let out quiet but genuine laughs and though the conversation moved on, with her explaining that spicy wasn't actually one of the five flavours and was instead based on pain receptors in the tongue, which technically made spice lovers masochists, she found herself wishing she'd set them up at the dining table instead; it had seemed too formal earlier but she missed the ability to nudge her foot against Jay's, to bring a bit more normalcy into their interactions. To bring back the ease that was so central to their relationship, that she craved even while another part of her cringed at just how much she wanted it. How much she needed it.

She needed to get herself together.

Her and Jay were going to be fine. As frustrated as she might be she didn't have any doubts about that, not really, but Kevin might not be unless she helped him.

She waited until they'd finished a couple tacos each and moved onto their second round of drinks, genuinely pleased by how much they seemed to be enjoying the food- she loved cooking for others, loved getting to show her love in such an easy and delicious way. But there were other ways she could help too, better ways, and as she watched Kevin take a wistful look around, some of that weight creeping back onto his shoulders she knew it was time to stop dancing around the elephant in the room.

"It's not easy is it?"

It was almost comical how both men's heads popped up and it lightened the heaviness she felt when Jay took one glimpse at her and instantly relaxed in his seat, shooting his partner a steady, reassuring look.

"What's not?" Kevin asked nervously, though the way he stared told her he already had an idea what she was talking about.

"Being a stereotype. A round peg trying to fit in a square hole."

He sighed even as he nodded, his warm brown eyes running over her much more analytically, albeit tiredly. "Nah, it's not. You got any advice on how to deal with it?"

"I got this."

The room seemed to freeze when she held up the little USB, even though they'd all known something like this was coming. Jay was the first to meet her eye and the look he gave her was infinitesimally soft, in that way that completely destroyed her ability to control the flush rising in her cheeks but he stayed silent while she passed it over, returning Kevin's questioning glance with another simple, steady nod, like her watching as he turned it over in his hands. For a long moment the large dark-skinned man just stared at it, like he could feel the weight of every file it contained. Of all the consequences that could come from whatever he chose to do with it.

There were a lot.

"What's on it?"

"Proof that Nolan has been coming after you. That he's ordered other cops to do the same. Who those cops are and what they've done. I kept it focused on you but there are hints of some other transgressions too. And about… eighty five percent of it was obtained none illegally."

Both men's brows rose, a synchronicity she hadn't expected but found herself appreciating and then Jay grinned, shaking his head slightly before he gave Kevin another confident look. Kevin took it in slowly and thoroughly, then her, then the USB once more, and when he looked back at her the stark vulnerability in his gaze tugged at Tess's heartstrings, instantly and fiercely igniting her defensive instincts.

"So, I just give this to IA?"

"I won't tell you what to do with it. What I will do is tell you what I've learned in my decade and a half working in and fighting against an institution I was never intended to be a part of, and that worked very hard to get rid of me, and that is that while they may have the power, we are more powerful."

There was a flare in Kevin's eyes she recognized well, the tenacity and resilience of the oppressed and it brought out her own inner warrior, a wicked grin spreading across her lips as she remembered all the times she'd proved just how powerful she was.

How undeniable.

"Also, there is always a third option."

That spark in the other man's eye grew stronger and steadier, a grateful and reverent kind of awe building alongside it and though her gut twisted slightly this at least was a familiar feeling, a burden she'd accepted long ago; Tess would take any amount of personal discomfort if it meant she got to see that look. Got to know that the work she put in paid off, that it helped. That she did. Some of the tension that had been winding her up all day finally eased off, helped along by the sweet looks she could feel Jay sending her way, though her own eyes stayed locked on the man before her.

"Thank you." Kevin said hoarsely, closing his fist around the tiny device before he met her gaze once more, apparently not satisfied when she responded by just dipping her chin. "I mean it. I- I really appreciate this. More than I got words to say. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Tess held his stare until just before it got uncomfortable then sat back and popped a tortilla chip in her mouth, smiling as she looked expectantly between him and Jay, the latter huffing quietly before he turned to his friend.

"I'm not as good as her, but if there's anything you need you know I've got your back."

There was something about his comment that bothered her but it was hard to focus on when there was clearly a moment happening between the two men. It was a lot less awkward than it'd been between Jay and Adam last week, probably partly because as much as he wanted to this wasn't something Jay had a personal stake in, that being white neither of them could but there was something else too. Something she didn't think either of them had realized until this moment, a depth to their relationship they'd never recognized or appreciated until they'd been given the chance to explore it. It was an aspect of police work she'd never understood, having assigned partners rather than everyone collaborating based on their different strengths but she was glad to see the two were settling into their new roles, though if the looks they shot her were any indication they seemed to think she had something to do with it.

Maybe in a small way she had, but only by giving them the opportunity to express what they were already feeling, as non-verbally as they had.

Men.

Tess popped another chip in her mouth then took another swig of her drink to wash it down before motioning between Kevin's near empty glass and the three still relatively full pitchers. "You want a refill?"

His brows rose with clear interest but then he looked back down at the USB, moving it between his fingers one more time before he shook his head. "Nah. I think there's something else I gotta do."

Just like that his nerves were gone and she couldn't help grinning. "I'll put some stuff in a to-go box for you. Hunkuleses need to keep their strength up."

"Hunkules?" Kevin cocked his head at her, a smirk dancing on his lips while Jay snorted and finished off his own drink.

She just nodded, watching from the corner of her eye as the two men shared a look while she hopped down to get a container. She wasn't quite sure how she felt seeing their open expressions when they pertained to her, but then she supposed it didn't really matter- it was happening which meant she had to get used to it. She loaded Kevin up with enough to make himself at least half a dozen tacos and even gave him a tumbler of all three margarita flavours mixed together, because why not?

"It'll be your celebratory drink." She told him as she passed everything over, walking him to the door while Jay stayed seated at the island, though the two exchanged one of those manly clasped hands/shoulder slaps before Kevin followed her.

He took a moment to look over all the food in his hands, his eyes dipping down to his pocket where he'd put the USB before he looked back at Jay, something softening in his eyes when he finally turned back to her. "I'm with him, I can't do half of what you can, on a computer or in a kitchen but if there is ever anything you need, I got you."

Tess just nodded in response, a little taken aback by the fervour in his voice, and after one more look around Kevin left.

And then it was just her and Jay.