Chapter 5

She needed another drink before they started this.

Whatever this was going to be. Although there was probably something she should clarify first, just to keep them on topic.

"Do you think I should loop Voight in on this?"

Jay didn't answer right away but she could feel him watching as she poured herself said drink, deciding to mix all the flavours together like she had for Kevin because why not? It'd probably taste good. If not she felt bad for the other man; she'd given him a lot. Jay made a small face when she looked to his glass but he passed it over so she gave him the one she'd just poured and took his for herself, watching his reaction as he took the first sip. It was likely too fruity for him, as indicated by the slight curl of his upper lip but if he didn't absolutely hate it then she would probably like it.

They worked well like that.

Always complimenting each other.

He still hadn't answered her question but she could see him thinking about it so she gave him space, fighting the urge to start cleaning as she waited. This conversation, and the one that came after, were going to require her full attention.

"I don't think you need to." He said after a long moment, shaking his head as he looked her over again, more focused this time. "If you want to then you can, but I don't think there's anything you should do. You're not beholden to him. Or me."

Fuck her.

There was something so small about the way Jay said that last bit and she could actually see his shoulders pulling in tight, nervous tension written in every line of his body. He wasn't just worried about having this conversation, he was worried about having it with her.

What did he think, that she wasn't even going to listen to him?

Given the sparks of self-righteous anger that had been flaring up in her all day maybe that was fair. Even if he hadn't been around to see them Jay still knew her, still had a decades worth of experience with the way she thought and no matter how uncomfortable that might make her now it wasn't like she could change it. She didn't want to, not if it meant going back to not having him she just… Tess knew he was justified in what he felt. But so was she. And she couldn't, she wasn't going to change just to make him more comfortable.

But she could and she did owe him an explanation.

"I caught something. My eyes did." She clarified, watching as he quickly straightened in his seat, ever the attentive soldier. "I have a friend, Ling, she's a journalist in Hong Kong. Was. Yesterday the police there put out a warrant for her arrest, about thirty seconds before a couple teams tried to enact it."

"Is she okay?" He asked immediately, and yet with a distinct last of worry, that innate trust in her abilities that somehow never wavered, even when it'd been years since he'd seen those skills in action.

Even when it was his team relying on them.

"I got her out in time. We knew something like this was a possibility. I set her up in Toronto- there's actually a decent community of political dissidents there, so she'll fit right in."

And there it was.

She hadn't even said she was going but Jay already had that look, the same one he got every time she had to leave. The one where the green in his eyes dulled to gray and his face paled with worry, going tight as he fought to push down all those manly instincts to protect and defend. He mastered himself quickly, that decades worth of practice coming in handy but she still caught it and it still ripped her heart in two, just like it did every time.

"I'm going to fly in tomorrow, help her get settled in her new apartment, maybe send out some resumes. I'll only be gone a few days." Tess said softly, wanting to get rid of that look and the feelings it conjured in both of them as quickly as possible but Jay surprised her by giving his head a fervent shake.

"Stay as long as you need to. As long as it takes. I just- I'm sorry. That must have been rough."

He looked at her so gently, with such love. And such surety.

Yes, it had been rough. But it wasn't enough. Not a reasonable excuse for what he saw as dangerous behaviour. Another feeling rose up inside her, an old one but still a sharp one, the sharpest, and she didn't respond- she had started the last conversation, hell the last few.

Let him start this one.

"Look, I know that whatever you did probably wasn't as easy as you just made it sound and I understand needing to do something to deal with the stress, you know I do but that-" a shudder ran through him, like it physically pained him to picture her that way and he leant forward so eager to get her to see that too, to let him fix it.

Fix her.

"I mean, at least a cold shower numbs you-"

"If I had done that I would have killed myself."

Something died in Jay's eyes when she said that but when his eyes fell to her chest Tess knew he believed her.

He was finally listening.

She gave him a few minutes to let it sink in, everything he'd been trying not to notice, not to think about, watching the emotions that played out on his face; by now it was a familiar path. First was guilt, for what she'd been through, for not being there or stopping it, then concern for what it had done to her, fear about those changes, about whether she was or even could be that same girl he'd fallen in love with. And then the stubborn, well-intended but soul-destroying resolve to make her be. She had seen these expressions so many times on so many faces, she'd thought she was prepared to see them on his.

She hadn't been.

Because watching them on his face… that was more painful than all the others combined.

But she had gotten through those. Through each and every one, dozens conversations with dozens people who all had a version of her they loved. A version they wanted her to be. But they had learned. They knew now, they accepted who and what she was and Jay… Jay would do that too. Of course he would, it was Jay, her-

Her Jay.

It still took a moment to be able to speak past the lump in her throat, another to decide how to proceed but that was okay because he was still staring at her chest, at the irrefutable proof that what she'd said was a lie.

Tess had killed herself.

She'd just done it a different way. Fire instead of ice.

"It didn't happen in a single moment- not just one anyway, there were a bunch of them. But it started with Lydia. The minute, and I mean the minute I knew what had happened to her I knew what I was going to do; maybe not every detail but every step and I followed that plan to the end. Because when she died… the whole world went quiet and the only voice left inside my head was mine. And I hadn't realized until then how long it had been since that had happened. And I refuse to let it happen again."

That was her biggest fear.

The death she wouldn't come back from.

"I know that you are only trying to help and I know that yesterday must have been terrifying as fuck for you, I really do and I am so sorry for that. I lost track of time taking care of Ling- I'd only been home for eight minutes before you got there." She'd checked this morning. Eight fucking minutes. "And I know that seeing me like that freaked you out and I get it but I'm not hurt. I am not hurting myself-"

"Tess that water was scalding!"

"Are you scalded?" She shot back as Jay finally jumped out of his seat.

He'd done a good job holding himself in check but she'd known it couldn't last. The storm was breaking and it was time for both of them to get wet.

"That's not-"

"Are you? Am I? I was the one in the damn shower."

He glared, hot and hard but considering he didn't have a response at least she was making her point. But this wasn't the way she'd wanted to make it- Tess didn't want to fight him, she was so done with fighting.

It was all she did.

"Jay…" She didn't bother to stop her sigh and went so far as to let her eyes drop from his so she could collect herself, focusing instead on how nicely the dark butcher block complimented her lavender nails. Totally trivial, but it helped ground her. "I am sorry that I scared you. And I am sorry that it makes you uncomfortable. But I'm not doing anything wrong. And I- I am not willing to be molded anymore."

In an instant all his frustration turned to horror at the suggestion, the mere thought that he could, would do that to her, and even though she'd known it hadn't been intentional seeing his reaction some of the hurt eased off. Not much, but some.

"No, I'm not- I'm not trying to mold you, or- or change you or-"

"Or fix me?"

That stopped him dead, pun not intended, guilt now rising fast alongside the horror.

She recognized that look too.

She hated it, but she wasn't afraid of it anymore. Better to see that look on someone she loved than to feel the shame in herself.

But that didn't mean it was comfortable to watch him take her words to heart, to watch him analyze the way he'd been treating her, all the little gestures of love and care he was now second guessing. And it wasn't that Tess wanted any of those to stop, she didn't want him to change how he treated her, that was the one thing she and Jay had never done she just- she needed him to change how he was thinking about her. How he was thinking about himself and his own guilt, because sure as shit that was what was driving this. All the notes, the flowers, hell he'd even gotten her a bracelet last week! And yeah, he'd always pampered her, but that was how she knew this was different. This wasn't just about trying to make her feel good, it was about trying to make himself feel better.

And that was fair. Jay was justified in wanting to do that and he was justified in his worry, it wasn't like he was the only person to have taken issue with some of her new self-care routines but his worries didn't get to trump her opinion. Tess knew herself. She knew what was good for her and she knew what was bad for her and she would be damned if she was going to trust anyone else over herself. Because if she did…

She would lose herself.

And she wasn't willing to let that happen. She had been through too much, fought too hard just to lose herself now. To a boy, even if he was the love of her life.

"I'm sorry."

But fuck that boy had pretty eyes.

They were back to green now, a beautiful mixture of moss and steel- bright with love but heavy with recognition. Jay knew he'd fucked up. He knew exactly how and exactly how badly. He knew because he knew her.

And fuck if that didn't scare her.

And fuck if that didn't anger her.

"Tess I am- I'm so sorry. That wasn't what I was trying to do, not intentionally I just-" He took a heavy breath and shook his head before fixing his eyes back on hers, the emotion in them so strong they pinned her in place, which was good because she was suddenly fighting the urge to bolt. "You fix me. Or help me or mold me or whatever word you want to use. You do that for me. Every day you just constantly say the right thing and do the right thing and it makes all the fucked-up shit inside me start making sense and that was all I was trying to do. All I want to do. I just want to help."

I just want to help.

We're your friends and we love you so let us help you, you dummy.

Being strong means needing help. You taught me that.

If you don't want to take our help that's fine but we are not going to stop offering it.

When someone says you need help, it doesn't necessarily mean they want to help you change. They can be offering to help you beyou.

A cacophony of voices rang through her mind, so many nuggets of love and life knowledge and Tess allowed them a minute to circulate before she pushed them out to let her own rise up, soft but crystal clear in the silence. In the conviction that resonated through her, a veritable ripple from her heart to her fingertips.

Jay didn't want to change her.

He just wanted to know her. To be let into the spaces she was keeping him out of, the spaces where he would actually start to see and understand what it was that was different about her. And yeah, that scared her. But it was more than that. She wasn't just scared to be different- she was scared to be the same. And that… confused her. She sat with it for a moment, rolling the feeling around in her gut until it started to make sense and what she came up with was that she was scared that the differences in her wouldn't matter in the face of what was the same. Which, ironically, was also what she hoped for.

Confusing.

But that was her issue, not Jay's. He-

He wanted it to be his issue. He wanted all of it to be and she… she wanted that too. More than anything.

"I know." Tess said softly, cursing the rasp in her voice as she took a slow step towards him. He looked startled by the movement, fair given that they'd just spent the last ten minutes staring each other down but he looked hopeful too, and though he stayed where he was she swore his body strained towards hers the closer she got. And she got close, right up to his side until she could feel the warmth that always radiated from him. "And you do. I promise. You say the right thing and you do the right thing, just by being you. Case and point."

He huffed a nervous chuckle, his hand slowly finding its way to her waist but he didn't say anything, just stared, his eyes searching hers. Silently asking for just a little more. And she could do that.

For him she could do that.

"You help. I promise. You just- it's hard to see when you don't have anything recent to compare to. And when… I am not as chatty as I used to be."

"I can be patient."

His answer wasn't just immediate it was steady, soothed, like all he'd needed was to know what she needed; it lifted a weight much heavier than she'd expected off her chest and like he could see it Jay tugged her so her chin rested on his shoulder, his other hand coming up to cradle her head as hers slid around his waist. For a long moment they just breathed each other in, until all the tension that had made their bodies tight dissipated, the negative energy going back into the ether it came from. Tess gave herself an extra minute after that to just bask in his embrace, the way he played with her hair, his fingers twining through the strands that fell loose from her bun, careful not to mess it up.

Always so careful.

"We should clean this up." She said as she stepped back, brushing a kiss to his arm when he grumbled and made to pull her back.

"Leave it till the morning."

"Ew, no. I am not waking up to the smell of leftover ground beef- it'll take like five minutes."

He huffed and rolled his eyes but took the covers she tossed him for the bowls while she went to deal with the margaritas, which she would not be mixing again, cleaning up the leftover mess on the counter as she did. There wasn't much, she'd done most of it before he and Kevin had arrived but it turned out there was just enough nervous energy left in her that it helped to have something to do with her hands. Tess felt better after their conversation, knowing she'd spoken her mind and that Jay was going to take her words to heart, knowing he felt better now he understood where she was coming from but there was still… something. Something in her that still felt off, felt-

Coddled?

Mm, that wasn't quite it.

She loved how much care Jay showed her, how gentle he could be, how attentive, she just felt a little… confined by it. The word rang harshly in her mind but in the way that told her it was accurate. It bothered her that was the only way he was treating her, that she felt like she had to go along with it to help ease him into this, into the new her. But didn't she owe him that? She'd seen clear as day how worried he'd been, how much he truly just wanted to help- what did it matter if some of that stemmed from his guilt?

Didn't he deserve to have that weight lifted, just like he'd done for her?

A loud clanging noise caught her attention and she turned to see the subject of her thoughts fumbling with the dishwasher before finally shoving it closed. Somehow in the two minutes she hadn't been looking he'd gone from soft and peaceful to fierce and determined but before she could figure out why he was caging her between his arms and the counter, taking her mouth with all the wild power of an earthquake. It took her a second to catch up, the world still busy reordering itself around her but there was an urgency in his touch she automatically responded to, that she always did. She may not understand why but Jay needed this, this touch and reassurance and after what he'd just given her she would be damned if she didn't give it back. And it wasn't like she didn't enjoy it when his hands slid to her ass and squeezed, rocking her against his rapidly growing hardness before he pulled away with a harsh breath and sat her on the counter, giving her chin a little shake to get her attention when she just blinked at him.

"I love you. All of you. Every part." His eyes were like molten steel, his lips just a hairsbreadth away, pressing and nipping at her own while his free hand quickly and deftly let down her hair. "All the sweet ones, all the fierce ones, all the soft ones and smooth ones and jagged ones and sharp ones. Every. Single. Part."

He knew.

He understood what she was feeling, how it hurt, where it came from.

He saw.

The only way Tess could express the flood of emotion that washed through her was to let him drown in it with her, pulling him as close as she could until it got hard to tell where he ended and she began. She'd known a storm was going to break tonight and while this wasn't at all what she'd had in mind she realized it was exactly what she needed. What they both needed. Ever since she'd come back Jay had treated her with little other than gentleness, and nothing at all close to the wild passion he was showing now; she'd understood why, it wasn't hard to put together considering his constant desire to make her feel loved and his persistent fear that he would hurt her, especially when she had been mildly hurt, but it was still bullshit. He wouldn't hurt her, not like this- he never had and he never would. Hell, when they'd first started dating she'd practically had to beg him to get rough because he was so fearful of making her feel less than. But the truth was when Tess was with Jay like this she felt more powerful. Like she wasn't just the girl she was the woman too, like he saw every part of her.

Just like he'd said.

A fierce need rose up in her, a longing, a yearning to give him all those parts, to take all of his and make themselves into something new, something that was him and her and them. It had her yanking at his shirt until he pulled it off, throwing her arms up as soon as he was done so he could take hers too, desperate to get closer to him, to get more of him. Her hips rolled against his when he cupped her breasts, jolts of pleasure shooting straight to her core with every pinch of her nipples and she tried to feed it back to him through her kisses, which only made her think of where else she wanted his lips but when she tried to guide him there Jay pulled back. He looked her over and then picked her up and carried her over to the island, pressing on her abdomen until she lay flat.

His eyes were so dark they were nearly black, animalistic, the beast inside him calling to the beast inside her and Tess gave herself over to it, her pussy throbbing at the dark chuckle he let out when she started wriggling her hips to help him take off her pants. She was spreading her legs the moment they were gone but he surprised her by just staring, the feeling turning into a sharp ache when he finally lowered his mouth, not to her core like she'd expected but instead a few inches to the right. To one of her scars.

One of the scars he hated.

It wasn't like he actually liked any of them, he treated them with varying levels of displeasure but this one and the one on her spine he detested, even more than the ones she'd gotten from Selim and he hated those with a very different kind of passion. These were the ones Volya had given her. Myasnik. Jay never ignored them but every time he ran his hands or lips over them she felt him tremble with a mixture of rage and pain, but not tonight. Tonight he was firm, not just kissing the scar tissue but nipping at it, using just enough teeth that she gasped, not from any real pain but from the ache that was steadily building in her chest. There was something reverent about the way he made his way up her body, kissing and biting every scar he came across, only briefly sucking her nipples into his mouth, still enough to make her gasp for entirely different reasons, and then he moved onto her phoenix tattoo and she thought her heart was going to break. The way he kissed it, like he wasn't afraid of it anymore, like he understood it…

"Mine." Jay whispered, pressing his forehead to hers and gazing at her with such love, such vulnerability that it took her breath away, a good thing because she couldn't imagine the noise she would have made when he took her hand and brought it to his cheek. "Yours."

This was what she wanted.

This was all she had wanted and yet when he offered it Tess wanted to run.

Not from him, she'd never run from him, just… from the ways she thought she would hurt him. And she could. Just by being in his life she could hurt him so badly, could be the reason that so many things went wrong and though it would probably be best if she just left she couldn't. She'd done it once and it had killed her and she didn't think she would live through it again.

"Yours." She murmured softly, throwing a leg over his waist and using her ankle to push him closer until her core pressed against his and he could feel how badly she wanted him. How badly she needed him. "Mine."

"All fucking mine." He breathed, right before he took her mouth again and words became impossible.

They kissed like they were trying to devour each other, like they were horny teenagers humping in the kitchen, which they basically were, driving each other crazy until finally they snapped. He pulled back first but before he could drop to his knees Tess stopped him, pulling herself upright as her eyes roved over him; she really wanted him to eat her out, fuck did she want it but she also didn't think she could wait that long until he was inside her. Like he knew what she was thinking Jay grinned, fisting her hair in one hand and using it to angle her head back as he left what was sure to be a hickey on her neck, coming really close to distracting her from getting what she wanted, which was to get his pants the fuck off. Finally she got them down and hurriedly followed suit, slipping off the island before he could stop her and smiling when his hands automatically guided her down, tightening on her waist a moment later when she spun herself around and pressed her ass against his cock. The groan Jay let out shot straight to her core and she swore she was going to have to mop tomorrow because her pussy was so wet it was dripping but instead of thrusting inside her he just rubbed himself against her, breathing heavily into her neck until they were both trembling, until she remembered that he wouldn't thrust himself inside her unless she told him to.

Jay might occasionally fuck her like a whore, but he didn't ever treat her like one.

She leant back until his scent surrounded her, chocolate and earth and sex, turning so her lips brushed against his jaw. "Fuck me, Ranger."

She barely finished speaking before he slid into her and then he gave her exactly what she'd asked for. With one hand on her back he bent her over the countertop and pounded into her with everything he had, whispering dirty, filthy nothings that had her toes curling and her pussy clenching, her nails digging into the wood beneath her as she scrambled for something to hold onto. This was what she'd needed, what both of them had. She could hear it in his harsh breaths, punctuated by the loud groan he let out every time he bottomed out inside her, rolling his hips when he did until she started to see stars. There wasn't anything or anyone who could fuck her as well as Jay could. And she'd looked. His cock filled her pussy perfectly, stretching her with the most delightful burn, taking her so fast and hard her earlier worries disappeared. Sure he would still be gentle with her, probably most of the time, but clearly he'd remembered that she wasn't as fragile as he sometimes made himself think. It didn't take long until Tess felt her climax approaching, he was hurtling her towards it like a high-speed train and then he pulled her up into his arms and rubbed her clit and it hit, so strong her vision went black, her only tether to this world the feeling of his lips brushing against the shell of her ear, urging her on until he finally swelled and exploded inside her.

Her body went limp, the most blissful kind of exhaustion and distantly she felt his head come to rest between her shoulder blades, leaving soft kisses as they slowly caught their breath. She couldn't help whining when he pulled away but a second later he lifted her into his arms and a few seconds after that he was laying her down on something soft, draping himself over her as their limbs twined together, unwilling to have any distance between them. Her mind was still hazy, high on the drug that was Jay, which was why it took her a couple minutes to realize the kisses he was giving her now were exclusive to the bird on her chest, back to being gentle and sweet but no less reverent. She got lost in the feeling, in the love that radiated off him and it took her another minute to notice when he started shifting on top of her, then another to find the strength to open her eyes, beaming when the first thing she saw was his.

Such pretty fucking eyes.

"Mine."

Jay's face lit up in that soft, boyish grin she loved so much and he nodded as he pushed up to kiss her, quick but with such feeling it stole her breath again. "Yours."

"Yours." She whispered back, the flutter in her chest going wild when his eyes flared, his grip on her tightening like he could pull her any closer than she already was.

"Mine."

She was.

She was his, and it didn't make her any less to be so. Tess didn't have to shrink herself to be with Jay. She got bigger with him.