Chapter 8

Her first reaction to Hailey's harsh reprimand was a hot flush of shame, quickly followed by the knee-jerk reaction to grab Jay who'd immediately stiffened in his seat, whatever levity they'd been trying to get back now thoroughly squashed. He opened his mouth to respond but before he could Tess squeezed his knee, for once not trying to hide the movement, not even when it made Hailey's mouth visibly tighten; it was hard to care about the other woman's feelings when her own had just been cut so sharply but she held herself in check, mostly because she knew Hailey hadn't meant to strike as deep as she had.

And that she'd only done it out of love for Jay.

How could she be angry at her for defending the man they both loved?

That didn't mean she wouldn't defend herself but there was a way to do it, which was especially important considering this wasn't a private moment. Everyone around them was silent, eyes darting nervously between the two women, neither of whom broke the others stare. It was obvious Hailey felt just as uncomfortable with the audience but she was still unwilling to back down, a tenacity Tess found admirable, though not surprising- Jay only went for strong willed women.

His father had been the same.

"Actually, I do. I understand that you were there when his father died, but I was there when he was alive. I slept in his house and ate dinner at his table, and him at ours. We spent Easter's and Fourths of July and Thanksgivings and Christmases together, along with one very awkward New Years. I held his hand when he cried over losing his wife and he held mine when I cried over losing Jay. So when I say he is acting like his father I'm not just telling the truth, I am doing something he asked me to so that he doesn't end up like the curmudgeonly old bastard."

Silence wasn't a thing that could be loud, that was the very opposite of its definition and yet it felt like the whole bar became muted, all the clinking glasses and boisterous conversations fading away into the background as her eyes bore into Hailey's.

How had she never noticed before that they were just a few shades lighter than her own?

"I do not discount your place or your influence in his life. Please do not discount mine."

The quiet continued as she finished and while she held the other woman's stare Tess took in the reactions of those around them, even as she made sure none of them could sense her own apprehension. Jay was the most important and he seemed, well fine was the wrong word but supportive, as were Kevin and Kim and Adam, though they all clearly felt uncomfortable picking sides, something Vanessa had no problem with considering she was just shy of outright glaring at her. And that only because her partner held her back. Regret flared hot and hard in Hailey's eyes but while Tess appreciated her remorse the embarrassment that sat beside it sent her stomach twisting. Painfully. She hadn't wanted to do this at all never mind publicly, wouldn't have if the other woman hadn't forced her hand but now they were both stuck here.

They needed an out.

She needed an out.

Her phone started ringing a second before her hand moved for it and gratitude rushed through her as she pushed back from her seat, shooting her best awkward-but-not-angry-just-flustered smile around the table. "Excuse me- I need to take this."

Jay did not get up nearly as gracefully, his body was taut and his face set in hard, angry lines but since she had to get past him and Kevin to get out she just put her phone up to her ear and started talking, in Mandarin as it turned out, not that it mattered. There wasn't anyone on the other end. Cas had known she'd needed a lifeline and thrown her one, and Tess was taking it. She slipped through the crowd as quickly and nonchalantly as she could, sucking down deep breaths the moment she got outside and using the smell of asphalt and alcohol to ground herself; waves of guilt washed over her but they were automatic, she already knew she didn't regret what she'd said and it wasn't like she'd been mean, but damn.

This was not how she'd thought tonight was going to go.

She kept talking, mostly just to give her brain time to settle, to figure out what she was going to say when she eventually had to hang up, which was going to have to be soon but before she could figure it out it was ended for her.

"You just said pork spring roll!"

She turned to Jay who'd been standing silently beside her and who now snatched her phone out of her hand, furrowing his brow at the screen before his eyes came back to hers. They were dark with guilt, with grief, but before either of them could say anything the door to Molly's swung open and a flood of noise and light spilled out, with Hailey right in the middle of it.

"Hey, listen-"

"No."

"Fuck off."

Hailey's face was already flushed with shame but it fell even further at Jay's firm denial, then scrunched up with confusion at Tess's admonishment, which was aimed not towards her as she probably expected but to Jay, who as expected just scowled and pointed a finger at her.

"I will throw you over my fucking shoulder."

For a long second there was silence and she actually found herself looking to Hailey, both women sharing a glance as they tried to determine just how serious he was. It wouldn't be the first time he'd done it, though it never went well, but Tess could see that he didn't particularly care if he caused a scene, that he had been pushed to his limits and it wasn't going to be pretty if they pushed him past them.

What a fucking night.

Fine.

He wanted to do this his way, that was fair. This was his territory after all. But that didn't mean she wasn't going to say anything.

So she turned to Hailey, ignoring his huff of irritation as she did. "You had every right to say what you said. And I had every right to say what I said. And he has every right to be a drama queen. We are all doing the best we can with an uncomfortable situation so maybe we should all be a little kinder to ourselves and each other."

With that she turned and started heading for the car, because there was no way they were going back inside after that, taking as deep but silent breaths as she could. A hell of a lot more had come up tonight than any of them could have expected, but maybe that was a good thing. It didn't really feel like it right now but nothing truly awful had been said, nothing that couldn't be taken back and it was going to better for everyone if these issues got aired out sooner rather than later. But apparently Jay didn't agree because after a few short seconds she heard him striding up behind her, his pace clipped but his hand gentle as it took hers, though still firm enough that she didn't even think about pulling away; it was only a couple seconds later that another beam of light washed over them as Hailey went back inside and though his grip tightened he didn't so much as glance behind him.

Neither of them spoke until they made it to his truck but once they got there he just braced his hands against the side, his fingers flexing like he was trying to stop from smacking it. Tess knew it wasn't her he was angry with but she was part of the reason he was in pain and that made her feel just as bad so she walked up until she could rest her chin on his shoulder, pressing a soft kiss through his t-shirt when one of his hands reached to take hers.

"Do you want me to drive?" She asked quietly, rolling her eyes when he immediately snorted.

"Not a chance."

"So possessive."

He finally cracked a smile, shaking his head before he brushed a kiss against hers and stepped back. "I've seen you drive. That Canadian road rage is no joke."

"Okay my road rage may be more verbal than yours but you are way less chill." She replied as she moved around to her door, shooting him a smirk as they both hopped in. "Also, my SUV beats your truck, hands down."

"Yeah, cause it's a literal tank."

"A tank you're jealous of."

Jay shook his head again but though he huffed a laugh they fell back into silence, just the sounds of the radio floating through the cab and only because she turned it on. She loved him but much like his father the man could sit in silence for hours and not be bothered, and that just wasn't her. Tess didn't know what it was but something about music always calmed her, made it easier to put things into perspective. Whether a personal problem or some puzzle she was trying to figure out in the lab or in the field, whether country, pop or rock n' roll something about all the different notes coming together set her mind at ease and made it easier to drift with her thoughts, to both hear and separate them from herself. It was a bit like surfing actually. The wind and the water and the board were all separate elements, each keeping in her grounded in the moment but combined giving her an experience outside of herself.

Bloody hell.

She should not be this introspective on a Thursday.

She should have gone with the bath.

"What bath?"

Fucking-

Tess wanted to sigh but she'd already been caught so she just shifted in her seat, drawing her legs up so she could face Jay a little more directly. "That was my first plan. I was going to surprise you when you came home by being in the bath."

He blinked, then nodded, and then just started laughing.

"What?"

"That- fuck." He shook his head again, still chuckling, and waited until he rolled to a stop at a red light before finally turning to her. "That was my plan. I was going to wait until you told me you were on your way back from the airport and then run you a bath."

Of course he was.

Of course they'd had the same plan, and then traded it for one they thought would make the other happier.

And of course that plan would have ended up like this.

"You do realize I get to use this the next time I don't want to go out?"

"You get to use it?"

"I'm the one that said no!"

Tess couldn't help but laugh at how offended he sounded. And how serious. "Well, should've thrown me over your shoulder then."

He gave her a deadpan look but she caught his smile as he pulled forward, watched his hands unclench from around the wheel as he finally relaxed into his seat and seeing that made the rest of her own tension leave. And like he could sense it when Jay looked back at her the rest of his did too, their hands meeting on the console so their fingers could twine together. Part of her was tempted to leave it there, just go home and have that bath, but they still had a twenty-minute drive back to the marina- might as well finished what they'd started.

"I meant what I said. I had every right to say those things to Hailey. And she had every right to say what she said to me."

"No, she didn't."

"Jay-"

"She never even met him!" His voice rose but it was more guilt than anger and she gave his hand a soft squeeze.

"But she was there. In a way that I wasn't and neither of us get to take that away from her. We were in a tense conversation in what was already a tense situation and I made a comment that, to be fair, everyone was surprised by. But because she knows how hard that was for you she took offence. She stood up for you. Considering all the silence between the two of you lately I lean towards thinking that's a good thing."

Jay huffed, loudly, but he squeezed back, taking a few deep breaths while he gathered his thoughts so she turned her head to look out the window to give him as much privacy as she could. They'd obviously talked about how his team was handling her sudden arrival and she'd clearly experienced it herself but she knew it was different for him, that it weighed on him more, not to mention he had to deal with it every day, in his work and personal life. Her own team was still coming to terms with accepting his presence back in her life and that was difficult enough to navigate over text and the occasional facetime, not that she was trying to rush that particular reunion; Tess was looking forward to when they got their next leave, she still hadn't totally adjusted to not being out there with them but that was going to be rough enough that she didn't mind waiting another month or two until things here were more settled.

Hopefully it wouldn't take that long but she wasn't going to hold her breath. Just because she and Hailey had reached a tentative truce tonight didn't mean it was going to last, and she was sure her response hadn't gained her much approval from Vanessa.

"You never told me that."

Jay's voice pulled her out of her head and she looked over to see his eyes darting between her and the road, not exactly a nervous or worried look on his face, more… confused? Remorseful?

"Told you what?"

"About you and my dad."

Oh.

That.

I held his hand when he cried over losing his wife and he held mine when I cried over losing Jay.

That was something she hadn't meant to share. Stories she'd honestly expected to go to the grave with. Stories that…

That still fucking stung.

Pat Halstead had been a complicated man. As tough as nails and rough as sandpaper, with a steely determination he'd passed down to his sons; they'd gotten their work ethic and sense of duty from him too, along with his innate discomfort with vulnerability, although thankfully each had their mothers charm. Tess had never met Mary, but what she'd told Hailey was true. She'd known Pat. She had sobbed when she'd learned of his death and not just because of the pain she knew Jay had felt but for her own loss, the loss of the man… the man she'd considered her father-in-law. The title had never been official but even he'd expected it, had bugged Jay about making 'an honest woman out of her', whatever the fuck that meant.

She had been the daughter he'd never had and she'd let him down.

The familiar sinking feeling of shame crept over her and Tess let it, sitting with it for a moment before she turned her attention to the thumb brushing tenderly across the back of her hand. She hadn't answered his question.

"Well, obviously the first time was after your mom passed. I woke up early one morning and braved going downstairs to get some water and he was just… sitting on the couch. Crying."

"And he let you hold his hand?" He asked skeptically, one brow raised so high she couldn't help but chuckle.

"I was shocked too. I don't even know what made me do it, I just sat down next to him and when he didn't immediately tell me to piss off I just… took it. We didn't make eye contact once, and we sure as hell never spoke about it, we just… we had an understanding."

He nodded, no doubt trying to imagine it, but then his brow furrowed, his eyes soft but wary as he looked over at her. "And when he…?"

That was definitely a story she'd thought she'd go to the grave with.

But he had asked, so she would tell him.

"It was after Derek Keyes took you."

Jay's head whipped towards her, fair considering it had been four years since the heroin kingpin had kidnapped him, but still seeing the hurt and confusion on his face made her heart ache, the knife twisting the more she explained.

"By the time I got stateside you were already in the hospital. I knew I wasn't going to let you see me but I still wanted to be nearby so I sat outside for a couple hours; after a while I felt someone watching me and when I looked up… he was not happy. For a solid ten minutes we just sat beside each other in awkward silence and then… He told me he knew I wasn't a contractor."

"What?"

If he hadn't been such a skilled driver Tess might've been worried about having this conversation in the car, but then he'd gotten used to her proclivity for discussing sensitive topics while he drove a long time ago.

There hadn't been anything he hadn't gotten used to for her.

"Apparently we didn't give him nearly as much credit as we should have." She answered with a shrug. "He was an observant son of a bitch."

Jay just stared at her, brow furrowed as he tried to piece it all together and she let herself fall back into the moment, the memory so vivid it felt like it could've been yesterday; she could still see the look on Pat's face, his bushy brows furrowed in much the same way, mouth set in that forever scowl, the soft glint in his eyes he always worked so hard to cover up.

"He asked me if I was going to go inside and when I said no… he took my hand. We sat there for another ten, twenty minutes and then he went in. And I never saw him again."

Tess would carry that for the rest of her life.

She had promised him she would look out for his son, and maybe she hadn't broken that entirely but she hadn't done her best either. She'd hurt him with her absence, hurt the both of them. Their relationship had always been tense and she'd had her own part to play in that, but she'd always wanted to help them mend it.

And now that wasn't possible.

"He held my hand." Jay said softly, his own squeezing hers tightly. "When he came inside. He sat by my bed, took my hand, then turned on the TV."

The snort just slipped out but he grinned, bringing her fingers to his lips and kissing them before he leant over and pressed a quick one against her hair. His voice was hoarse and there were tears in his eyes but the grin was genuine, relieved, and it lifted another weight off her heart; distantly she wondered how many he might be able to take, and how much it would hurt when new ones dragged her back down, but his smile kept those thoughts at bay.

His smile and his promise.

"We're so having that fucking bath."