Chapter seven: Grimmauld Place

'Next stop: Leicester square.'

It was past eleven o'clock on a Wednesday evening. The fluorescent lights of the London Underground were hard on sore eyes. The carriage was almost empty, except from a couple in the corner who looked ready to make out, a woman with a short haircut who kept giving the couple disapproving glances, a man with his kid son and Remus Lupin who was sitting across from the kid. The thing with children was, that they were never good at pretending. Like pretending he wasn't staring at Remus' scars.

'Stop it,' the father said as he shook his son's shoulder. He didn't attempt to make eye contact with Remus, probably too embarrassed at this point. Remus tried to ignore it.

He was very tired. His current job to work in a factory on the outskirts of the city was taking its toll on the werewolf. He was not used to hard labour day in day out. A lot of the work he did could easily be fixed with magic, but since it was a muggle factory he could not do that. Two years ago, while he had been teaching at Hogwarts, a new legislation was instated to ban werewolves from workplaces. It was not entirely prohibited, but most employers were happy with the new law. It usually took people between two and six months to figure out what he was. And with Voldemort back, he could not risk the exposure. So the muggle jobs had to do. The good news was that muggles never suspected lycanthropy as the reason of his sick days.

He strolled through the park across Grimmauld Place and looked up at the third quarter moon. His first full moon at the factory job had been a week ago and they hadn't thought it suspicious. But that was rarely the case with the first time. It was the third or the forth when they jokingly asked him if he was having period cramps. Then the fifth or sixth when they told him it was too inconvenient and they would look for someone else. He expected this job to go the same.

He stepped into the narrow entrance hall of the Black family home and took off his coat. The muscles in his arms ached and he longed for some tea and a good meal. However knowing who was the cook, it would be an edible meal at best.

'Hello Moony!' sang a cheerful voice from the kitchen. 'Dinner is almost ready.'

Remus sat down at the head of the long dining table. 'Did you burn anything this time?'

'Not yet,' came the reply. He could not yet see the man in the kitchen, but was sure he wore that terrible old apron with the flower pattern on it. He had found it stuffed away in a cupboard and now he wore it every time he was making dinner. It suited his otherwise dark wardrobe in an unique way.

'Also please tell me you stopped using Asphodel roots in the food. It has a terrible taste,' Remus complained, remembering the bitter, earthly taste. It really was like chewing soil.

Finally the other inhabitant of Grimmauld Place 12 emerged from the kitchen. He was indeed wearing the floral apron over a black button-up shirt and black trousers. His shoulder-length hair was partially tied back in a bun, to keep his hair from falling in the food. As had happened before.

'But the cupboards are stuffed with that stuff! I should use it for something,' Sirius Black told him as he placed a cauldron on the table. 'Ta daa! I made vegetable stew!'

Remus let his face drop in his hands. 'Is it like the vegetable soup you made last week?'

Sirius didn't seem phased. He picked up Remus his bowl and scooped the stew in. 'No. At your request I no longer use bursting mushrooms. You are right; exploding boiling soup was not one of my better ideas.'

Remus couldn't help but laugh. He remembered Sirius his shocked expression after a spoonful of soup had exploded in his face, turning his skin red with burns. They had healed that nicely though.

As the stew was placed in front of him, Remus gave him the benefit of the doubt. He ate a spoonful and was surprised at how decent it was. Nothing tasted like earth or was exploding.

'You are getting better at this Padfoot,' he praised him. He was very hungry and happily ate the whole bowl. Then he took a second serving.

'You have too little faith in me old friend. I know what is best for you. Today, that is a good substantial meal with lots of vegetables. Anyway, how was your day?' Sirius asked.

'It was alright, but my back is hurting more and more. I'm not build for the physical labour. Let's hope I get fired next month,' Remus complained. There was something so mundane about their conversation over dinner that one could forget they were at the starting point of a war.

'Urgh, stop pretending you're old. Your back would be better if you sat straight more often. You are thirty-five for Merlin's sake, not fifty! You need to dress younger and act younger. If you ever want to borrow some of my stylish clothes you can. Just browse in that wardrobe. Or maybe Regulus was more your style.'

Remus shook his head. 'No thank you. Darker-than-my-soul-black is not my colour.'

'You cannot keep wearing beige forever Lupin!'

He grinned at Sirius. The conversation was reminding him of one they had many years ago while they were students at Hogwarts. Sirius had offered so many times to buy him new clothes that Remus took satisfaction in wearing older and baggier clothes just to piss him off. Somehow, that had stuck with him over the years without even realising it.

'Maybe you are right. I will try something else. But not black. Give me something a bit more colourful,' he said eventually. Sirius looked happy. He knew that one of these days the depressing house was going to affect Sirius his mood. In the meantime Remus did everything to keep him occupied in the house. Cooking, expelling pests from the attic, taking care of Buckbeak who was also living under their roof and now he could find Remus some new clothes.

'Any news arrive today?' Remus asked him nonchalantly as he emptied his second bowl of stew.

Sirius leaned on one hand. 'Are you asking whether the Order has news or whether anyone has heard from her?'

Remus shot him a look. 'The Order. And…well, any news you have heard.'

Sirius gave him a smug look. 'Still bitter I got to see her and you didn't?'

'Padfoot,' Remus warned.

'Fine. Yes, Dumbledore wants another meeting this Friday. He asked if I could cook for everyone,' Sirius answered at last.

Remus already knew that wasn't going to be necessary. Usually when the meeting was taking place at Grimmauld Place, Molly Weasley would bustle in with bags full of groceries and she would start making a way better dinner than Sirius could. Remus was already looking forward to it.

'Do you know what it's about?' Remus asked.

Sirius had enchanted the cauldron to fly back to the kitchen where it rinsed itself. The bowls followed. 'Maybe some news from Moody. Or maybe it's about including Harry.'

Remus felt a familiar guilty feeling when Harry was mentioned. They had sent Harry back to his abusive aunt and uncle without any intel on the Order or what was going on in the Wizarding World. Remus wished he could take the boy here, so that Sirius and him could look after him. But as per usual, Dumbledore wouldn't let them.

He rubbed absent-minded at his stubble. He hadn't been taking good care of his appearance since he had been on his own again. When Alicia was in his house she had fuzzed over his facial hair, state of his nails and his non-existent fashion sense. But since she was gone, he had gone right back to neglect. What was the point? No one cared in the factory and the people in the Order didn't seem to care. Only Sirius cared, but Remus just couldn't convince himself he was worth the trouble. Even when Sirius kept his beard and hair perfectly trimmed, even though no one saw him for weeks. He was still a wanted criminal after all.

'I am though,' Remus said in the end, staring at nothing.

Sirius looked up, puzzled. 'Am what?'

'Jealous of you. For seeing her again and talking and laughing with her. I never thought…' he stopped himself before he would get too emotional.

Sirius sighed. 'Mate, I hate to be that person, but I think it is best you let it go. I must admit; when Charlie Weasley showed up I thought she would follow. I saw your expression and knew you were thinking it too. But you heard what he said: she is not coming. I guess she was just still too angry. Or she doesn't care anymore. Either way, I don't think she is coming back.'

'Yes but it sounded like something else was bothering her. Charlie said to tell me that some things are not forgotten and forgiven. Did she mean our fight? Or something more specific…' Remus was at this point talking more to himself than to his friend. Therefore he missed the guilty look Sirius had on his face.

Sirius leaned forward. 'Remus,' he said while he rested a hand on his arm, 'let her go.'

Remus closed his eyes. Like he hadn't tried! Like he hadn't thought there would be a way for him to move on. He wasn't naïve enough to think he could find another woman that didn't care about his sickness, but at least he had hoped that the missions of the Order would distract him enough to slowly forget her.

But he hadn't been able to forget her, because he still thought she would walk in this room one day during a meeting. He had been holding on to that feeling since the beginning of the re-instatement of the Order. However, Sirius was right. When her colleague Charlie walked in, that should have been the right moment. But she hadn't shown up.

She wasn't coming back. He needed to let her go.

That Friday around seven o'clock people started arriving at Grimmauld Place. Remus was standing next to the fireplace to welcome them. Sirius, looking more dashing than ever in his velvet suit, stood next to him. Remus tugged on the collar of the button-up Sirius had given him.

'Stop fumbling,' Sirius said as he swatted Remus' hand away. 'You look good. Don't ruin my good work.'

Remus almost groaned. Sirius had been just a bit too happy with the opportunity to dress Remus. He was now dressed in a baby blue button-up shirt with an embroidered waistcoat over it. He had dark trousers that for once were the right length for his long awkward legs. Underneath he had nice dress shoes. To top the outfit Sirius had given him a nice brown cape with sleeves. When Remus had looked in the mirror earlier, he had to admit it looked good. Sirius knew enough about wizard fashion to dress him nicely for once.

Multiple Order members had noticed and complimented him on his good looks. Last to do so was Nymphadora Tonks, daughter of Andromeda. The girl walked in with her hair the same lime green colour as the flames that had been around her. She eyed Remus up and down for a long moment before telling him he looked dashing. Remus had blushed furiously.

Sirius elbowed him. 'Got your eye on another young one?'

The unamused look he got in return shut Sirius up.

There were many familiar faces, like Molly and Arthur, Alastor Moody and Kingsley Shacklebolt. When Bill and Charlie Weasley arrived Charlie gave Remus a guarded look. Remus suspected Charlie knew a fair share about his past. There were also new members, who were slightly stunned to see Sirius Black welcoming them with a big grin on his face. Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape were last to enter.

'Ah! Sirius, Remus, good to see you again. Remus you look quite colourful today. Any special occasion?' Dumbledore asked with a wink.

Remus knew the Headmaster of Hogwarts long enough now to withstand a joke. 'Nothing other than giving Sirius something to do to pass the time.'

Severus sneered as he looked at Sirius. Even in times like these where they were on the same side, they would never get along. Remus had given up that hope after their adventure last year. To be honest, he wasn't too happy about Severus spreading the word about his condition to the school, but he was peaceful enough to forgive and move on. Sirius never would, neither would Severus.

'Black…Lupin,' Snape said simply. It were enough words to convey his distaste of seeing them again.

'Snivellus,' Sirius replied so quickly it had sounded like Severus. But Remus, who stood next to him and knew him longer than today, knew what he had said. Snape sneered again and strode past them to find a seat. Sirius and Remus walked around the table to get their seats in the back. Dumbledore would remain at the head from where he would hold the meeting of the Order of the Phoenix.

The meeting started. As he had done in the meetings before, Dumbledore thanked all of them for their devotion and introduced the new members. 'Now, I would like to address some incidents that have happened. Firstly…,'

There was a loud and clear knock on the front door. Dumbledore had stopped and was looking at the door leading to the narrow hall. Moody was sitting closest to the door – probably by choice.

'I'll get it,' he grumbled as he got up.

'Are we missing anyone?' Sirius asked the table.

'Should we expect an attack Albus?' Someone at the other end of the table asked nervously.

'I hardly think an attacker would knock,' Dumbledore said wisely.

From Remus' place at the table, he could not see into the hall. He waited a couple of minutes with the rest of the room until they saw Moody appear again.

'We are going to need one more chair,' he said as he conjured one.

Remus didn't know why his heartbeat was so loud. Why was he nervous? There was no way that this was…

And then she walked in. Alicia Doreen.

'Hello everyone. Sorry I'm late,' she said with a soft voice. She sounded nervous.

Remus was not paying attention to what she was saying. He didn't even notice the dog that followed her inside. He also did not look up to see Sirius giving him an astounded look. He was looking at her face. The skin on her hands and lower arms was covered in scars, probably inflicted by dragons. But that one obvious red line that ran over her cheek and jaw…

He knew instantly he had given that to her.

His breathing was shallow and his vision was swimming as tears formed in his eyes. He hadn't seen her in a little over a year and she looked so different, yet so familiar. The scars were new, as were the multiple braids in her hair, the leather clothing and the dark look in her eyes. But when you stripped it down, it was still her. That nervous smile, those big green-grey eyes and those couple of freckles that were hard to notice until you knew they were there.

There was a long awkward moment of silence in the room. Many didn't know her, but those that did were shocked to see her. Charlie was the first to act. He got up, walked over to her and hugged her tightly. She hugged him back and Remus didn't like how well their bodies fitted together in that embrace. They had known each other for a while now. Charlie had known her for a longer time than he did…

He wished beyond anything that he could hug her too, but he was too afraid. As far as he knew, she was still angry. He couldn't handle her rejection in front of all these people. So he sat still as a statue and just watched her.

'Change of heart?' Charlie asked with a big smile. He had let her go and was getting back to his seat. Alicia huffed. 'Yeah don't taunt me too much, or I'll be out that door faster than I came in.'

Remus didn't want that. He felt a hand on his arm and looked at Sirius. He hadn't realised that he had been leaning further and further forward in his seat, wishing he could jump over the table and get closer to her. Sirius was giving him a look as if to say down boy.

'For those of you that don't know, this is Alicia Doreen. Former Ravenclaw and current dragon handler in the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary. Alicia, it is good to see you again,' Dumbledore said.

Alicia looked mischievous. 'You own me a chocolate frog for that.'

Dumbledore smiled. 'Now that we are truly complete, I will continue the business at hand.'

Remus didn't hear a single thing that was discussed. He was too lost in thought. What would he say when he finally got the chance? A simple 'hi!' would not suffice. Hi Alicia. Nice scar you've got there. I forgot I had scratched you but it fits your other scars nicely! She hadn't even looked at him yet. Why wouldn't she just look at him?

As she was sitting in the middle and Dumbledore was at the other end, there was no reason for her to look his way now. He had to be satisfied with staring at the back of her head. And he was. Even something small as being able to see her again was giving him feelings of joy he hadn't felt since their arguments started.

But that would be over now, right? She was here after all.

Somewhere towards the end of the meeting Dumbledore asked Sirius a question and most faces turned. Alicia looked too, but was very careful to keep her eyes on Sirius only. He could see a muscle move in her jaw. She was straining not to look at him. It seemed so silly, but he was envious of Sirius in that moment.

The questions were asked, the business was concluded. Arthur asked if they could move into Grimmauld Place for the rest of the time until school started again. Sirius was more than happy to welcome the company.

'Finally some movement in this big old house! You agree right, Moony?' Sirius said with a poke to his ribs. Remus blushed and looked at Arthur, forcing his eyes away from the woman he lost. 'More than welcome. We prefer to have company.'

Everything was rounded up and as Molly darted into the kitchen to start dinner, everyone got up to chat with each other. Before he knew it the place was crowded and there was no way for him to pass through. He could see Arthur going up to her to meet her, but then she was gone.

Someone was tugging on his cape until he was in a corner. His only view now was Sirius.

'Mate, I understand this situation is…unique. But please stop drooling,' he said with a shake of his head. Remus checked for actual drool but realised he was talking metaphorically.

'I just…did you see…hold on,' he suddenly realised something. 'You have seen her. You have seen that scar. And you didn't tell me!'

Sirius shrugged. 'I thought you knew. Don't you remember hurt…uhhh…scratching her?'

Remus sighed deeply. 'I remember our last argument. I remember being very angry and it was the day of the full moon. I suppose I lashed out and had sharper nails than I imagined. But she had turned and fled so quickly…Padfoot…look what I did to her.'

'Yeah, she looks roughened up.'

He pushed his friend. 'This is no joke! I…I broke her! Marked her! Damaged her!'

Sirius laughed at that. 'Mate, that girl is stronger than ever. You did not break her. Don't be selfish enough to think she ran away because you are a wolf. She ran away because she disagreed with you.'

A silence stretched. 'I know. What do I say?'

Another shrug. 'Whatever comes to mind! But please be careful. You are walking a wire here. It is very easy to tip over. Good luck!' he clapped him on the back and was gone. Sirius was aching to talk to other people than him.

The Order members started to leave. The room was getting less crowded and it was easier to walk around. Alicia was standing near the fireplace, chatting with Charlie and Bill. She was smiling as she told them some sort of story. Remus did finally notice the dog that was sitting near her feet. The creature greatly resembled a wolf and it gave him a dash of hope.

He cleared his throat. Charlie and Bill turned around. Bill didn't understand but Charlie did. He grabbed his brother by the arm and cleared out. Then the moment he had been waiting for finally arrived. The dog was looking up at him with watchful eyes. In his current messy mental state he didn't even notice that it had no pupils.

He was only looking at her and finally, she looked back. She couldn't avoid him any longer. The moment was there. Just say what feels natural.

'Hi,' he said in a whisper. He hadn't meant to whisper. 'I…It's good to see you again.'

She was looking at him now, but it was a deep stare. Her mouth was a thin line and her features were mostly blank. The only faint emotion he could see…was suppressed anger.

She opened her mouth and said the last thing he wanted to hear.

'I did not come back for you.'

Was that actual glass shattering somewhere behind him or was that his heart, breaking once more?

For a moment all he could do was stare. He understood now what Sirius was trying to tell him. He was looking at her like a lost puppy. 'Alicia-,'

'I came back to reconnect with my parents, to help out in the war and to protect Harry and his friends. As far as I'm concerned, we left our…relationship on the doorstep of your house when I left,' she seemed to be saying these things robotically, like she had written them down and was reciting them. 'And I am not here to open old wounds.'

This, of course, hurt him deeply. 'I didn't know about the scar,' he said timidly.

She held up a hand. Was she even listening to anything he said? 'We are done discussing the past.'

Finally, he felt some anger rise in him. 'No, no we aren't. Tell me, why exactly are we fighting? Our argument in the first place was about joining the Order or not. You didn't want to fight, but now you are here. How is this argument not over?'

Her face turned quite red. 'Oh I see. So you won, right? You were right aaaall along Mister Gryffindor! Mister "let's die for our country"!' the chatter in the room fell quiet. 'No Remus, I did not come back for glory! I came here because I didn't feel like there was another choice! The seed of which feeling you planted when you called me a coward for running away!'

He was quite ready to tell her she was wrong, but suddenly someone was standing between them.

'I think it's time you two cool down before you say things you can't take back. Again,' Sirius said as he held his arms out. He was facing Alicia and slowly pushing her backwards. 'Alicia, let's get some space, alright? Let's go upstairs and-,'

She whistled to her dog and he stood up to follow her. 'Coming here was a mistake,' she spat at Sirius while she pushed past him towards the exit. No one stopped her, and they all heard the door slam.

A deadly silence fell over the remaining people. Arthur tried to get the conversation going again but most people were staring at Remus. He had his hands clenched at his sides and was shaking furiously.

'Does she even hear herself?' he spoke through gritted teeth. Only Sirius was close enough to hear it.

'Let's get you upstairs. Molly, would you mind sending Kreacher up with our food? I think we'll be eating alone,' Sirius offered. Molly nodded and continued setting the table.

'Come on mate,' Sirius said quietly. But Remus couldn't do this to him. Sirius had been looking forward to seeing and talking to other people. 'No,' he said, 'You stay here. I want to be alone now.'

'Moony…'

'It's fine, Padfoot. Just enjoy yourself. We have enough time to talk.'

Half the room gave him a look of pity. He hated it and made his way up the stairs. He dove in his bed and locked the door.

How ironic. All this time he had wanted her to come back, and now he was already happy she had left. Sirius was right. If he had allowed him to speak, Remus would have said things that would have tipped him off the wire. Maybe he would have snapped the wire.

He had a couple of things to wrap his head around. One, Alicia was not the same girl as she had been when they were together at school. Two, if she really wanted to join the Order he had to face her and make sure they would at least be on neutral terms again. Three…

I did not come back for you.