Awful Airplane Rides
"This is a hijacking! Don't move! Unless you want to be shot!"
Alex had been minding his own business on the flight. It had been a very long week. He desperately wanted this to be a bad dream. The baby shower for his first kid was today and his wife would murder him if he was late. He did his best not to stare at the gun-waving lunatic. It was rather hard, given the shaven head and backward swastika tattoo. He presumed it was supposed to be the other way and refrained from commenting. There were a lot of things he could fix but firing a gun in an airplane was a level of stupid even he didn't have.
Alex didn't have to wait long until some old dude spoke up from the row behind him: "I thought terrorists were supposed to be browner!"
Alex winced internally at that. Ah, America. Alex was never visiting again, no matter how much Joe was going to pay him.
"I AM NOT A TERRORIST! I AM FIGHTING FOR THE FREEDOM OF ALL AMERICANS!" Spittle showered at least three rows in front of him. The gun was waved around for emphasis. This man's gun safety was going to have him grind his molars into fine powder at this rate. Alex resisted a facepalm as the man's finger slid towards the trigger. Trigger discipline, what trigger discipline? Fucker.
"And how do you plan to do that?" Well, it sounded like the crotchety old dude behind him had a death wish. Or had just run out of fucks to give at this point. Alex could empathize with that.
"YOU SHOULD ALL BE GRATEFUL TO PLAY A PART IN MY PLAN TO GET BILLY BOB JONES RELEASED FROM PRISON! WE ARE FIGHTING THE HOLY WAR AND WE WILL HAVE VICTORY!"
He slowly inched towards unfastening his seat belt. There was a faint beeping in the background. Alex was ninety percent sure that it was some sort of panic alarm. At least the pilots had done one thing right. Where was the flight crew? Alex saw a few in the seats nearby. There was a pause as the man inhaled sharply. "We are SAVING this country from the ROT within! The country is being CORRUPTED by…"
Well, this was going to be a treat. Alex clicked his seatbelt open and let out a slight sigh of relief. Alex tuned out most of the rant about how certain people were ruining the country - atheists, mexicans, canadians, atheists, satanists, atheists... Alex had been briefed on the beliefs of these sorts of groups and this guy didn't seem to be offering much new to their movement. There was a required safety seminar before each time he was allowed to be in the US. It was fucking stupid.
Crunch! Alex flinched as the man casually broke someone's nose a few rows in front of him. "Shut up, you stupid bitch! Women are to be seen and not heard!"
Alex was fairly certain that the Victorian norm was children. Then again, these types tended to treat women poorly. Where was the flight crew?! The pilots seemed to be quite dead.
"...I mean, LOOK AT YOU! COWERING BECAUSE OF ONE MAN! FEAR NOT! EVEN IF YOU DIE, YOU ARE SERVING THE LORD'S PURPOSE AND HE WILL REWARD YOU!"
Alex would cheerfully break his neck but the gun might fall and go off. Or he might squeeze off a shot and blow them all sky high. Now, if he could just get the handgun and the idiot separated. Ross would be lecturing him at top volume. With swear words. And probably a commentary on the man's parentage. It would be fucking hilarious to watch the two of them go at it. Unfortunately, there was no Gordon Ross here. Or MI6. He was tempted to just switch over to whoever would agree to stick him in either private or cargo planes from this point on. Just wonderful.
"Sir, we are going to ask you to put the gun down."
Huh, maybe someone whose job it was would solve the problem for once. There was a pause as everyone in the airplane held their breath. This seemed to enrage the man. "I LOCKED YOU IN THE BATHROOMS! HOW DID YOU GET OUT?!"
The pause continued as the man stared at the two people in front of him. The woman shook ever so slightly but her voice was steady with her fellow flight attendants on either side of the murdering idiot.
"The bathrooms are equipped with emergency lock releases on both sides of the door. Not to mention, one little wire isn't going to hold them shut for long. They lock and unlock normally from the inside. Now, drop the gun before you kill us all."
Alex bit back a snort. The man's finger inched towards the trigger. He made it just in time. The man fired his gun as Alex shoved his arm up. The bullet hit a glass window and it shattered. The plane shuddered and began to descend. Alex took the chance to punch the man in the face and grab the gun. "How many are there?"
Silence. Alex shook the man.
"Fuck you."
Alex dropped him harder than strictly necessary onto the floor. Alex cheerfully reached into his bag and pulled out three rolls of duct tape. The passengers next to him eyed him dubiously as he handed the rolls over. "What? I make duct tape wallets for fun." Alex looked down at the man with a slight smirk. He was still dazed. "I guess you're going to be a little tied up for the rest of the flight."
Alex heard voices in the cockpit as he crept forward. They didn't seem to want to come out.
"What's going on?"
"Victor must have shot a hole in the plane."
They glanced around the rapidly falling plane. One of the men spoke up. "What do we do?"
The other two glared at him. "What do you mean, you said you could fly?!"
"I can fly crop dusters! You said we were hijacking a plane! Not a big plane! I don't even recognize half of the controls."
Alex paused to consider his next moves. Three on one was less than ideal. He didn't want to shoot up the cockpit. The airplane could, in theory, still have a controlled landing. Alex glanced around to see if there were any available weapons. He lowered his voice and looked at the flight attendants. "Do you have the seatbelt used for safety demonstrations?"
The woman grabbed it from the nearby station and handed it to him. Well, now he had a lighter, a gun he wasn't going to fire, and a seatbelt. There had been worse odds in his life. Alex tuned back into the conversation just in time.
"...I'm going to take a leak."
Alex slunk up behind the seats and wrapped the seat belt around his hand. As the man walked past him, he struck.
THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!
Alex managed to get the seatbelt around the man's neck before he cried out. He choked the man out in forty five seconds. "I'm sorry, sir, the seatbelt light is on."
The flight attendants swarmed the now unconscious man and began duct taping him to the seat Alex had dropped him into. Two down. Two to go.
Alex crept back towards the cockpit. They were talking nervously among themselves. "Don't you think he should have been back by now?"
"Nah, he takes like ten minutes to shit and two minutes to wash his hands. Give him a few minutes."
"I think we should check on him."
"I say we give it a few minutes."
"I want to check on him and Victor. It's too quiet."
Alex waited for him to approach the galley. He was holding the lighter in his hands. His hand closed around a small bottle of wine. He waited until the man was close enough before dousing the man in the wine and lighting him on fire. The man screamed as Alex punched him in the throat. Alex grabbed the nearest item and jammed it into his mouth. The fire was quietly put out. The man was still smoking as they taped him to a chair. "You know, smoking is banned on this aircraft."
The duct taped covering the man's mouth muffled his reply as the flight attendant taped him to a chair.
Alex inched further towards the back of the plane. The last man had some warning. This was going to be a doozy. The man stalked out. Someone let out a nervous bit of French.
"CANADIANS?! On my plane?!"
The woman looked downright offended. She had a Parisian accent, to be fair. "I AM FROM FRANCE!"
"FRANCE?! Where's that? South of Mexico? French is spoken in Canada!"
The man began to gear up to hit her. Alex took that moment to spring from his hiding place. He aimed a strike at the man's head that was dodged. Damn it. This might be a bit more challenging. "So, why did you hijack this plane, anyway?"
"We were sending a message!"
Alex dodged a few of the man's returning strikes. "What are you going to do, skywriting?"
The man swiped at his head and missed. "We already tried that!"
Alex raised an eyebrow in an exaggerated fashion. "You did?"
This seemed to enrage the man for whatever reason. Alex watched him lunge. He tripped the man on his way forward and bodily threw him into the chair. The flight attendants burst into action and had him thoroughly taped to the chair in under a minute. Alex grinned at them. "Well, I guess we wrapped up the situation."
There were eye-rolls all around him. The flight attendants looked a mix of shell-shocked and beyond done. One of them looked slightly mischievous.
"Now, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to take a seat for our final approach and landing."
Alex had a sinking suspicion that this one enjoyed the puns a little too much. Not that he could talk. He sat down and fastened his seat belt. "Good afternoon, passengers. It seems we had a wee bit of trouble with a band of American fruitcakes. Not to worry, the copilot is well enough to land the plane. Meal service has been canceled for obvious reasons. You will probably not be deplaning as scheduled and none of you will make your connections on time. We will be greeted by soldiers and medical professionals upon landing. Please try to remain calm."
It was a long, quiet, and awkward rest of the flight. Alex was greeted by an entire contingent of SAS soldiers when the plane landed. Crawley was staring at the plane, looking rather pale. "Oh, good. You're here. After the action as usual."
Crawley's jaw ticked ever so slightly. Alex tried not to grin as he was escorted off the plane.
"I see you wriggled out unharmed. Like usual."
He folded his arms and scowled. Fucker. "You could at least try to sound relieved."
Crawley rolled his eyes. Alex was towed towards a black car. "I'll be relieved when the report is written. You realize I'm going to be buried in shit until Christmas at this rate, right?"
Alex let out a huff. Crawley was a dick. This opinion was mostly influenced by the fact the man no longer did his paperwork. "You're awful."
Crawley looked at him smugly. "Says the guy late to his wife's first baby shower."
"Oh, fuck." Alex took off towards the airport taxi area. He might make it in time for the cake and presents if he was lucky.
Fin
Based on a prompt by NorthernLaw738 (see story summary). This is the 135th work in the Winds of Change 2022 Alex Rider Prompt event, where a new prompt (plus a short 1-3K work) is posted every day. For more details, see the AO3 collection :) Want to discuss? Leave a comment beneath, or join the discord (Link on AO3 Fics or just PM me, lol). Want to take part in our Alex Rider anniversary celebrations in September? Join the WoC discord to take part in a fanfic event! Want to showcase your work to your fellow fans and authors? The WoC server has a new feature! Any author who joins can ask to join our authors' feed, which shows all the fics from the authors who opt in, including non-AR fics!