The Pharmner Ended Hinry IX's Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own Hogan's Heroes, and all spelling mistakes are intentional.
OOO
"'Fire 'em both, I say,' commanded Farmner Robbin, and his stalwart men ohbayed. 'If'n one cannon ain't 'nouf fer killin the kang, thin too will do the job!'"
"Fire 'em both, I say," Olsen murmured, interrupting Garlotti's dramatic reading of The Pharmner Ended Hinry IX's Rain, the dramatic historical fiction three-volume novel Kinch, Carter, Olsen, and Garlotti found hidden in a metal box in the new tunnel branch. After risking his life to make sure it was not a new type of mine, Carter was allowed to read it first, and his horrified disgust only intrigued the other men. The more Carter, and then Kinch, Garlotti, and Olsen, complained about the novel, the more the other men could not wait to read it so they could complain too. Even though Colonel Hogan was smart enough to realize he would probably be better off without knowing what was in the book, he eventually gave permission for them to have a public reading in the barracks. He regretted it with every word of the poorly planned story, but he was glad he did not have to interpret the pages filled with spelling errors himself.
"Don't interrupt," shushed Goldman. "We need to know if the cannons kill the king at his wedding ceremony."
"No, I mean the author and editor. After this, they both deserve it."
Garlotti cleared his throat. "'And so the stalwart men whatced in eger cylence as Hinry IX, the lowthed son of Hinry VIII and Catherine the Gr8 of Aragon, stood too take his wows.'"
Hogan tried to tune out the reading as he looked at the faces of his men. They all seemed far too interested in the novel for their own good. Carter and Kinch were missing, though, and he found he could not blame them. Pharmner Robbin and his adventures in anarchy against the King of England were the worst written stories that had the misfortune of gracing the camp bookshelves. Still, it seemed to matter to his men that he was there, some torturous form of respect about him not being left out of what everyone else wanted to get in on, so he stayed.
OOO
Down in the tunnels, Carter and Kinch used the brief time while Olsen and Garlotti distracted Colonel Hogan, and everyone else too. "Boy, if that author didn't write under a pen name, well, he'd better look out when I get out of here," Carter grumbled.
"Oh? What would you do?"
"Kidnap him and force him to work on an actual farm until he understood basic principles of agriculture."
Kinch chuckled and readjusted the lantern. "Be glad one of his readers was just as foolish."
Carter shook his head and continued sifting through the dirt. The small pile beside him was worth it, but he wished he could get that novel out of his head. "I still can't believe that anyone would write a story about a farmer using seed pearls to grow a pearl orchard in Germany to fund his anarchic attempts to overthrow the English crown."
"At least Newkirk is too entertained by how badly written it is to be upset about the English being represented so poorly. Just be glad we got this job instead of sitting up there and keeping everyone occupied like Olsen and Garlotti. Oh, I found another. They seem to be thinning out. These might be the last."
Carter looked at the pile, Kinch adding what he found and Carter sifting through the dirt to make sure they missed nothing. "Well, they're not seed pearls, but I guess you're right. The person who buried all this was bad at farming, but even split four ways, it's still our fortune."
"That's what you think," came a woman's voice behind them and the distinct sound of a gun being cocked. "My uncle told me the buried inheritance was for me. I believe those are mine."
"Ma'am," Carter said, not turning around. "If it's yours, why is it still buried?"
"My other uncle was jealous that I got the map, so he donated the land to the Luftwaffe. I've been trying to get close enough ever since. When I heard the book was found, I knew my inheritance was too. Now hand over the ice."
Carter and Kinch glanced at each other and decided not to risk going against the woman with the gun. Kinch carefully pulled the drawstrings on the bag closed and tossed it at her. She caught it in a perfectly manicured hand and left.
OOO
"'And so, everyone went too Hinry IX's fueneral, and instead they called it a FUNeral b'cuz they wer all so happi that he was dead and had no little Hinrys to replace him. The End.'"
Garlotti closed the third volume and set it on the table, ending several days of reading. There was a brief silence before all the men applauded him. He stood up and bowed before leaving to join Carter and Kinch in the tunnels. Olsen followed.
"Well, has she been back?" he asked.
"No," Kinch replied. "We think she thought we were keeping all the diamonds in one place when she stole them from us."
"Isn't that rather hard on her?" Carter asked as they distributed the diamonds they had left. "I mean, if it really was her inheritance, then she had a right to it."
The others looked uncomfortable for a moment before Olsen spoke. "No one buries a treasure without expecting that the person who finds it keeps it. We found it. Not the Colonel or anyone else who would just use it for the war effort. We all have families back home, and could use help getting back on our feet once this is all over."
"Still," Carter muttered thinking of the woman no one had seen since she left the tunnel. "Helga. Who would have thought?"