Chapter twenty-four: Christmas at Grimmauld Place

Remus woke up on the afternoon of Christmas eve. Alicia had spent the two days that he had been sleeping inside Sirius' room where he was resting. She went down for food but liked to stay close to him as much as she could. Almost everyone had entered the room at some point, wondering what Alicia was up to and whether she was okay. She appreciated the concern, but it also frustrated her. She longed to be alone with Remus, so they could talk.

Even though she spend all of her time next to his bed, Remus woke up when Alicia was downstairs eating lunch. She was busy shoving the food in her mouth when the door opened and a tousled Remus had wandered in with a dazed expression on his face. Alicia cursed him for waking up in that one moment she wasn't with him.

The moment everyone saw him he was ambushed with questions and shared concerns. Alicia tried to take him aside but the others wouldn't let her. In the end she had to settle with sitting at the table next to Remus, with his hands clasped between hers.

'You look better Moony. No sickly pale skin or nearly frozen-off fingers. Are you feeling better?' Sirius asked, who had placed himself opposite the couple.

'I feel great,' Remus replied seemingly surprised. 'Apart from the memories I have I don't feel like I've been injured at all.' He turned his face around to Alicia and smiled softly. 'You have done a wonderful job at healing me, darling.'

Alicia blushed and looked down. However she couldn't smile. She hadn't really smiled since the incident.

'So what do you remember?' Arthur asked, who was sitting in a wheelchair at the head of the table. His face was still swollen and bruised, whereas Remus didn't show any sign of injury.

Remus sighed and rubbed at his jawline. His stubble was growing out. 'I remember sleeping quite deeply. But then I heard a scream, that must have been you Alicia. I woke up, and before I could reach my wand someone was standing over me and pushing me down in the bed. He was very strong, he had one hand to my throat and I couldn't move. Then he said something about making me pay and then he started slicing…'

Remus coughed uncomfortably. Alicia rubbed his arm, trying to soothe him. 'Yes, he attacked you. You couldn't do anything, right?'

He shook his head. 'In the beginning he was pressing down on my throat, but soon the injuries became so painful I couldn't do anything anyway. I felt myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Alicia,' Remus stopped abruptly and turned to face her again, his eyes piercing into her soul. 'I heard the struggles, I heard Charles snarl. I think I heard you demand who they were. But…I have no idea how you bested them. I'm so sorry I wasn't more useful…'

Alicia shook her head fiercely. 'Don't you dare. Don't you dare say sorry. Look, we fought, we won. Details don't matter. Not now anyway…' She choked on her words, her eyes looking around frantically. She pressed a hand to her face to force the tears to stay away. 'I don't…I can't talk about it. Not now.'

Remus hugged her tightly. 'It's okay. We don't have to talk about it. It will come.'

They sat like that for a while as Alicia tried to calm down. The atmosphere was getting more uncomfortable as people were waiting for them to stop showing so much affection. Neither of them cared.

'I can think of something else to talk about,' Ron said to break the awkward silence. Harry was sitting next to him, looking quite bewildered that Ron had spoken. 'Why on earth did Hermione congratulate you the other day?'

'Ah yes, I was puzzled about that too,' Sirius said, happy to join in on that conversation. He looked at Hermione, who was sitting in an armchair by the fire with a book in her lap. The younger girl looked stunned.

'Are you telling me no one figured it out yet?' she said with a slight air of self-importance.

Alicia looked at Remus and finally managed to smile, if only it was a little smile. But it was tender and loving. Sirius caught this moment and raised an eyebrow at the two. Then his eyes slit down to their joined hands on the table. It took him nearly a minute to put two and two together.

When he did, he jumped up from his seat, startling Harry who nearly fell out of his. He looked down at his two friends like they had stabbed him in the back.

'YOU GOT ENGAGED?!'

Alicia bit her lip and smiled up at Remus. He chuckled and looked at Sirius. 'Actually…we are married.'

This was too much for him to take. He started throwing his hands around, saying words without making a sound and looking around at everyone in the hope that someone would tell him this was a joke.

'You alright? Are you having a seizure?' Alicia asked plainly.

'YOU GOT MARRIED. YOU GOT MARRIED…WITHOUT ME.'

'To be fair Padfoot, we got married, not the three of us,' Remus said calmly.

There was more flailing, more sounds that didn't make it into sentences.

'Alright Sirius, we are sorry for not including you, or the others for that matter. But you see, life is short and we were in a magical place that was perfect for a wedding. We'll throw a party here tomorrow, how about that?' Alicia tried to soothe him.

Harry got up from his seat and walked around to stand in between the newly-weds. He threw his arms around Alicia first and then around Remus. 'Congratulations you both. I'm happy for you.'

The gesture gave Alicia a warm feeling, but she couldn't express her gratitude well. Hermione, Ginny, Fred and George followed in hugging them. Then they were walking around the room to talk to everyone else. Molly seemed a bit unsure, but at least now she realised they were serious. She wasn't going to talk them out of it anymore.

Finally Alicia ended up next to Sirius, who was staring angrily at Remus. Remus looked back with a guilty expression. 'I talked her into marrying right away. If you want to blame anyone, blame me,' Remus told his best friend.

'Well I went along with the plan,' Alicia said as she placed a hand on Sirius' his shoulder. 'I mean come on Sirius. You understand I couldn't wait another second to marry this hot piece of ass, right?'

The corned of his mouth moved up for a second before he grimaced again. 'Why didn't you tell me you were going to propose on this trip? You clearly had this all planned out.'

Remus smiled nervously. 'Well, for the same reason I didn't tell you where we were going. I was afraid you would spoil the surprise. Unintentionally of course, in your excitement.'

'Hmm,' was all Sirius had to say to that.

'I wish you were there,' Alicia said to break the uncomfortable silence. Sirius looked up at her finally. 'I wish you could have walked me down the aisle or carried the rings or whatever. But you see, this was just Remus and me. We both feel your love but in the end we will always be looked down upon by people. The age difference, the scars we sport, the lycanthropy, you name a reason. We are in the middle of a war and all I needed was to be alone with my…husband for a while. The whole wedding was just the cherry on top of the cake. I needed that shiny spot of hope. I still do…that light was quickly extinguished.'

Finally it looked like Sirius was going to get over this. His eyes softened and he sniffed once. 'I wish you all the happiness Nessie. Both of you. I just wish I was a part of it.'

Remus laughed, which made both of them look up. 'Oh don't you pretend you aren't a part of this. You might not have been there while we married but you are part of our marriage anyway. Alicia knew that the moment I told her about you. Sorry Padfoot, but we are a package deal.'

Alicia laughed too now. 'A package deal I'm willing to take. Now, would you like to see our photos?'

Sirius beamed at once. He got himself an arm-full of Alicia on his right and Remus on his left. He hugged them both tightly. 'Okay then. You are forgiven…sort of. I'm still going to be bitter about it. Now, I need to see what Remus looked like on his wedding day. Please tell me there was a pointy hat.'

'There was a pointy hat.'

In the evening they had a Christmas feast. Molly had outdone herself with the cooking and baking. Alicia had been allowed in the kitchen with her to help stir some pots and chop some vegetables. Remus had helped as well. Molly seemed more at ease with them now, even if it was just for Christmas.

During dinner Alicia tried to keep things light and cheerful. They told the others about the magical town of Tryllestav and the Northern Lights that they witnessed. Ginny couldn't stop asking questions about the wedding dress while her brothers made faces at her. She promptly ignored them.

After dessert gifts were handed out. Alicia and Remus had gotten everyone delicious treats from Norway. Remus and Sirius had worked together to get Harry a book full of useful defensive spells since he wasn't learning any in class, and since he was now teaching a group of students himself. Harry was very pleased with the book.

While Remus was deep in conversation with Arthur, Sirius beckoned Alicia to join him. She walked up to him, hands in her pockets and a smile on her face.

'I haven't gotten a chance to get you anything special Padfoot. But I will come up with something soon,' Alicia said in a way of apologizing.

Sirius chuckled. 'I'm sure you will. Don't worry, my greatest gift is having all of you here for Christmas. I really like the company.'

'I can see that,' Alicia replied absentminded as she looked around at all the happy faces. 'Everyone is pretty cheerful.'

She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked back at Sirius. His eyes had hardened a bit. 'Soon you will be cheerful again too.'

Alicia laughed nervously. 'I am happy.'

Sirius stared her down for a long moment. Alicia could feel her mask peeling off right there in front of him. Sirius sighed and then said: 'It's okay not to be. You hold up a convincing act, but I don't fall for it. And I assume that when you and Remus are finally alone he will see it too. Perhaps today is not the day to confront those feelings, but know that you can always talk to me. Okay?'

It was getting harder and harder to keep the mask on. Alicia's face hardened and she cleared her throat. 'I know. Thanks Pads.'

'Don't thank me yet. You still have to open your present,' Sirius replied, his face all happy again. Suddenly he was holding a square package wrapped in gold and red wrapping paper. Alicia smiled and took the present. When she was holding the unwrapped present in her hands, she had to look at it very hard. At first it didn't make any sense, why would he give her this? But then…

Her eyes grew wide as she looked back up at him. She couldn't help the laughter. For a moment she could truly forget that she was miserable.

'You aren't serious?' she said astonished.

'I always am,' he replied with a wink. 'I'm going to help you. Some of these steps will be hard or take a long time, but I think it will be worth it. I think…you deserve to spend every night with your husband. You should start thinking about what animal suits you best.'

Alicia just shook her head as she re-read the title of the book. The long and agonizing road to becoming an Animagus. She could picture it clearly; finally being able to take care of Remus the way Sirius, James and Peter had done in the past. Unfortunately you could not choose your animal; the spell would turn you into the animal that best suited you. Was it possible to become a dragon? That would be awesome, but impractical. She would rather be something closer to the size of a werewolf.

Alicia put her arms around Sirius. He was a bit taken aback by her impact but then hugged her back.

'So you want to become an Animagus?' he asked.

'Yes! It's a brilliant idea! What better way to protect Moony,' she said happily.

'What are you two so happy about?' said a voice to their left.

Alicia had the book behind her back. Both of them stood rigid as they stared at Remus like two busted children.

'Nothing!' they said in unison.

Remus quirked an eyebrow. 'Oh? I cannot be in on this secret?'

The two shared a look. 'What secret? What is he talking about Alicia?'

'I haven't the foggiest. He must still be wacked up in the head.'

'Alright then. I was thinking about going upstairs. Would you care to join me, Mrs Lupin?' Remus asked seductively.

Alicia gulped. 'Yes sir.'

Sirius gave her a shove. He took the book from behind her back and winked to assure her he would hide it. Alicia took Remus' hand and allowed herself to be led to their room.

Charles barked when they entered the room. He stood up from his spot and jumped up to Alicia. She petted him before they both walked over to the couch by the fireplace. Her eyes were lost when she looked into Charles' eyes. He adored her so much, quite like dogs adore their humans. How on earth did she turn a dragon into a convincing dog?

Remus made a kettle float over the fire and made them some tea. Someone – probably Sirius – had decorated the room with holly and floating lights. The ceiling was also enchanted to make snow flurry down, but it disappeared before it could hit the floor.

Remus handed her a cup and kissed her on her cheek. 'Merry Christmas darling.'

She blushed. 'Merry Christmas sweetheart. Did you enjoy this day?'

He smiled faintly. 'As much as I could. But I won't deny that there is a dark spot in the back of my mind.' He stroked some hairs away from her face. 'And at the front of yours.'

Alicia tried to smile but felt she didn't have it in her anymore. Sirius was right, Remus would know something was off. The thing she had neglected to talk about so far. So that it feels less real.

'I can't-,' Alicia started but then noticed that it was hard for her to speak. 'I can't stop thinking about that night. So much happened.'

Out of respect he let a silence fall between them before he asked further.

'Can you tell me?'

She buried her face in her hands. 'I am not sure you are still going to like me after I'm done.'

Remus made a sound like he doubted that. 'What? The part where you saved our lives?'

She looked at him through her fingers. It took her a couple of minutes before she decided to speak. 'Okay. I will tell you what happened. Please just listen and ask questions when I'm done…alright?'

Remus nodded. Alicia started telling her story. How she woke up because of Charles, how she spotted the two intruders, how Remus wouldn't wake up – he grimaced at this point -, how she fought, how she heard Remus scream and thought he was done for, how she was tortured with the Cruciatus curse, how Charles saved her and finally…how she killed someone. Remus sat very still when she reached that part. But she went on, to tell him how he was bleeding from every part of his body, how she healed him and how they escaped on Charles his back.

'There you go, that's the entire story,' Alicia whispered in the end. She hadn't cried while she told it. Her face was stony and trying not to focus on Remus. She sipped her tea with steady hands.

'You…used one of the three curses,' Remus stated.

'Unforgivable is the term you're looking for, yes,' Alicia replied. 'So, is it? Unforgivable?'

Remus stared her down. He was thinking hard. His expression reminded her of times during classes. He was so much her teacher again in that moment she nearly forgot she was the teacher now.

'The way I see it, you acted in self-defence,' he finally said calculated.

'Does that make a difference? Does that excuse what I did?' she countered.

'Yes,' he said without thinking about it. 'Yes it does. Alicia you are not a bad person.'

She sneered. 'You seem so sure. I never follow rules, I doubt everyone, I broke your heart and ran away and now I am a killer.'

'So what? You think the world is divided in angels and Death Eaters? Do you not know that everyone makes mistakes, chooses the wrong path sometimes? The way I see it, you can be forgiven for using the killing curse because you regret it.'

'But I don't.'

The tension in the room was palpable. The sound of the crackling fire and the dimmed voices of the people downstairs seemed amplified by their silence. The witch and the wizard stared each other down, daring the other to speak first.

'You…don't,' Remus replied slowly, therefore breaking the silence.

'No,' she said defiantly while staring him down. There was a fire burning within her. It was hard to say what fuelled it. It wasn't really anger. It was something deeper than that. Remus looked like he was gathering the right words again, but Alicia didn't let him. She stood up and started pacing.

'Do you know what I felt, in that moment? What my main thought was right before I cast the curse? Nothing. It was like white noise in my head. I couldn't reach any kind of emotion. I couldn't feel angry or scared. I didn't feel hatred for what he did to you. I didn't feel disgust by their promises of what they would do to me. I felt…calm. My mind was so clear. In that moment I realised…it was easy. They say that you have to mean it to perform these curses. That you must intend to harm. But that wasn't it, not for me. It was the simple idea that I could, and that it was as easy as performing a levitation charm.'

Remus was listening intently, his mouth a straight line, his eyes hard.

Alicia started laughing airily. 'So what does that mean? That I am worse than a Death Eater? They are sadists, but what does it make me? Empty? Cold-blooded? Remus you have to understand; I couldn't care less whether this person would live or die. He was so insignificant to me right then. And no, I do not regret doing it. For three reasons. One: we would both be dead if I hadn't. Two: when this war is really going to hit us I will have to do it again and now at least I feel ready. And three: I…'

She choked on her words. Her eyelid twitched and her face set in a sour expression. 'I liked it. The power it gave me.'

She stared right into his eyes, a dangerous and conflicted look on her face, before she suddenly turned around and vomited. There wasn't much coming out of her stomach but it was more the idea that she was so sick of herself.

When she was done she cleaned it up with a wave of her wand before she sat back down on the couch, her eyes focused on the fire.

Remus didn't speak. He looked at the side of her face. She could feel his eyes on her.

'You probably need some time to figure this out for yourself. I can sleep somewhere else tonight,' Alicia said. She started to feel uncomfortable. The shame was starting to set in.

'I don't need time,' Remus said quietly. Despite the soft tone his voice didn't waver. 'I know exactly what I want to say to you.'

A chill went down her spine. 'Okay,' she whispered.

He waited. Alicia waited too, but then realised he wanted her to look at him. When she finally build up the nerve she was unsettled by his calm look. His eyes shifted over her for a moment before he stared her down.

'Alicia, we have been in a horrible situation. This is war. And I would be a fool to think war doesn't take lives. From both sides. I forgive you for killing that man. I forgive you for not regretting it. However…'

He leaned in close to her and his intense eyes were suddenly frightening. Still she kept looking at his scrutinizing eyes.

'I am not going to forgive you if you liked it. It is a necessity sometimes to kill, but it should never become more than that. If you take another step down that path you might get lost. It is something that I, nor anyone else can get you back from. I need you to promise me that this stays between us and that you will do everything in your power to squash that feeling. Do you understand?'

'I understand,' she replied softly. She had hardly seen him like this before. Never before had she felt that ice cold feeling he gave off now. That hard stare and his stony voice. She finally saw what it looked like when she took a step too far. The anger they had felt towards the other before was nothing compared to this. At least anger meant you felt something. But this…he was being as cold with her as she had been when she had killed that man.

Is this what I looked like? That hollow look and that expressionless face? Yes. And now it terrified her like it should have from the beginning. All she needed was an outsiders point of view.

Now the tears were falling. She tried to talk through her sobs. 'I understand!' she squeaked.

Remus could see it. He could see that his words had impacted her how he had hoped. At once everything about him softened and he opened his arms for her. Alicia crashed her face down against his chest and started soaking his shirt with her tears.

'Remus I'm such an idiot,' she sobbed hysterically.

'It's okay. Shhh. It's okay Alicia,' he soothed.

They sat like that for a while. Slowly Alicia started to calm down. Charles had come over to see what all the fuss was about. He whined softly and laid his head on Alicia's lap. She stroked him while she held on to Remus with her other hand.

'Something changed, didn't it?' she said when she had completely stopped crying and was now lying in Remus his arms on the couch. 'Between us.'

Remus exhaled deeply. 'Yes. But it isn't purely good or bad. It's more like growth.'

Alicia nodded. 'Yes I think so too. I never needed you in that way before, to stop me from falling off a cliff. But I am so glad you did. Even if I walked to the edge myself. Pfff this entire wizarding war is fucking me up badly.'

He chuckled at that. 'You can say that. And it's not just you. War is confusing, but we will make it through.'

Alicia stared into the fireplace. Right when Remus said that, the final log had burned up and the fire went out, to leave only smouldering ashes and darkness behind.

'I hope so.'