A/N: This is basically my own take on a sequel of sorts of Vulnerability by Rookblonkorules, so check it out for the full context of this fic. It's also the best Karma whump I've ever read, so if you're here for that whump and hurt/comfort, I highly encourage you to read Vulnerability first ;D
This fic is also a gift to Rookblonkorules, who's been so sweet and supportive and a pleasure to interact with. Much love!
Side note: the events of this fic is actually based off of a very specific headcanon I have of Karma and how he'd deal with trauma - I'll explain it in the end notes.
CW: PTSD, mild violence
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He'll be fine, is what Mr. Karasuma told the class the day that Karma was discharged from the hospital.
He's made a full recovery, so please don't worry, is what Korosensei told the class the day he announced that Karma would be returning to school.
But the day Karma returned, the moment he stepped into the classroom, Nagisa could sense that something was wrong. He couldn't place it. Maybe it was the way that the usual mischievous glint in Karma's eyes was nonexistent. Or the way that there was a tension in his form that Nagisa had never seen before.
As you can see, I'm fine, is what Karma told Nagisa that day, with a smirk that could almost make Nagisa believe it.
But as the days pass and as Karma attends school on a regular basis again, Nagisa can't help but notice the way that he sits at his desk so still and silently. The way that he hasn't pulled any assassination attempts on Korosensei like he usually would. The way that his smirks are distant and his jokes have no life behind them.
"Karma," Nagisa would sometimes say in these following days, "are you sure you're okay—"
"Yes," Karma would reply, curtly, sometimes with a shrug that feels a bit too forced, and usually before Nagisa can say any more. "I'm fine. Stop worrying about me."
But Nagisa can't ignore how often Karma averts his gaze or has an ever so slight clench in his jaw, how he seems to tense up at every disturbance around him, how it feels like the effects of that day never truly came to an end.
~.~.~.~.~
Karma skipping classes normally wouldn't be a concern—shouldn't be a concern—but as Nagisa walks over to his desk to await the first period after lunch, the lack of presence at Karma's spot in the classroom feels too pronounced.
He was here at the beginning of lunch. It wasn't a surprise when Karma got up from his desk and left the room by himself when the bell rang. He does like to spend time alone, after all. And with how carefree he is with his attendance, it isn't anything too noteworthy that he's not back in the classroom on time, either.
Shouldn't be, Nagisa thinks again. But as more students begin filing into the classroom, the uneasiness twisting inside of him only feels like it's growing.
Korosensei won't be happy if I skip class, a part of him is thinking, but before he realizes it, he's grabbed his bag and has left the classroom doors. If he's going to do this, then he'd better do it now before class actually starts. He thinks some of his classmates cast quizzical glances in his direction, but he keeps his attention focused on leaving before he can hesitate on it.
A voice stops him right as he steps out of the class building.
"Nagisa?"
Nagisa turns around. "Kayano?"
She's gazing at him with a small frown that looks concerned, but there's an undertone of an emotion that Nagisa can't make out. She has her bag in her hands, just like he does. Nagisa opens his mouth, his mind scrambling to come up with an explanation as to what he's doing, but she speaks first.
"You're going to find Karma, right?" she blurts.
Nagisa has to do a small double-take by how direct she is, but then nods. Her perception does make sense. Kayano's been really concerned about Karma over the past few days, too.
"I don't know if I should be," he says. "But I still want to. Just... Just in case."
Just in case what, Nagisa isn't sure. But whatever it is, Kayano seems to understand, because she gives him a tight nod.
"Can I come with you?" she says. "I've been trying to find a way to speak to him, but I could never find the chance." Her gaze flicks to the side. "And my apology the day he came back... It's not enough. Not after what happened."
Nagisa's stomach sinks as her words send that night flashing through his mind. It was too quick for anybody to catch it, even Korosensei. One moment, Karma was on the field like the rest of the class, standing around Kayano as her tentacles got removed. The next, he was in the clutches of Shiro who then instantly disappeared behind the hill.
He shakes off the memory.
"Okay," Nagisa says, trying to give Kayano a reassuring smile. It's already difficult for him to think of that moment, so he can't imagine how it must be for her, who ended up actually being a piece in Shiro's plan. "Let's go."
She gives him a small, maybe strained, smile back. "Thanks, Nagisa."
They begin moving down the mountain together. Nagisa notices how he already has a certain place in mind and how he's already moving towards it, taking the lead and walking in front. Kayano doesn't say anything as she follows him, staying close but remaining a step behind him.
When they arrive, Nagisa scans the clearing he's led them to. The ground ends as a cliff at the end, with the overturned tree hanging off its edge as always. But no sign of Karma.
Kayano glances around. "Here?"
"I've seen him here sometimes... but I guess not today." Nagisa gives the clearing one last glance before turning back to the mountain.
"Do you have any other idea where he might be?" Kayano asks as she follows.
"There's one other place I have in mind."
"Okay."
As Nagisa begins leading Kayano down the mountain, he doesn't think he's imagining the restlessness that seems to be woven in the air between them.
"Just wondering," Kayano says after a bit, "where is this other place?"
"Ah... It's in the city. So we'll need to leave the mountain." As he speaks, he tries not to wince. If Kayano catches it, she ignores it as she just gives him a small nod.
When they arrive at the city, Nagisa continues walking in the lead, now going down familiar streets and turning familiar corners.
Even though it's been a while, he still remembers the days he and Karma used to frequently hang out around the city during their first year—and the days that Karma would sometimes lead him through the dangerous alleyways, gladly accepting any invitation he encountered to enter a fight. Nagisa always felt the slightest bit uneasy during those times. It wasn't much from fear for his or Karma's safety, like he first thought it was, since it was clear that Karma could take on any opponent in the area.
Later on, he realized that it was because of the way that Karma was so willing to fight, to hurt and to get hurt. Not because Nagisa was scared of Karma turning on him, but because of the way Karma would almost seem to seek it out, welcome it, like there was something in it all that Nagisa couldn't understand.
It's when they pass by a smaller alleyway that Nagisa jolts at the sound of fighting and a muffled cry. He turns his gaze down the alley to see two figures in the distance. Kayano gives him a sharp nod, and they run towards the figures.
The scene before Nagisa isn't as much of a fight as it is the aftermath of one. One person is on the ground, covering his face as the other one kneels over him, pinning him down, repeatedly striking him with punches.
Nagisa can't see the face of the person on top, but he'd recognize that silhouette anywhere. As he runs up to the figure, both relief and dread fill him when the black of the person's uniform and the crimson of his hair confirms his suspicions.
"Karma?"
But Karma doesn't even seem to notice Nagisa as his gaze remains fixed on the man below him and his slew of punches don't falter whatsoever.
"Karma!" Nagisa takes a step forward and reaches his hand out. "What are you—"
The instant Nagisa touches his shoulder, Karma whirls around, his arm lashing out to knock Nagisa backwards. Nagisa lets out a cough as he falls onto the ground, and it's only then when Karma pauses, blinking and slowly lowering his arm.
As Nagisa pushes himself back to his feet, the person pinned to the ground takes this chance to struggle free of Karma's grip before running off. But if Karma was completely focused on his opponent before, now he's just staring at Nagisa, his expression a mix of confusion and realization and something else that Nagisa can't quite make out.
Then Nagisa realizes, with a jolt, that not only is Karma's uniform disheveled, but his sleeve is ripped and several fresh cuts run across his arm. A small cut is even on his face. On the ground beside him lies a pocket knife—no doubt left behind by his opponent who ran away.
"Nagisa," Karma finally says, his voice low, "why are you here?"
"I... You weren't at class after lunch."
Karma's expression doesn't change. "And?"
"I wanted to find you." Nagisa's tongue feels dry in his mouth. "I thought you might be here."
"And we were worried," Kayano adds quietly, taking a step forward. "I know that you skipping class is normal, but with what happ—"
Karma's head snaps in Kayano's direction and his eyes flare up with something dark. In an instant, he's grabbed the pocket knife from the ground and twisted his body to face Kayano.
"Get away from me," he says, voice nearly a growl.
"What?" Distress flutters across Kayano's face as she stiffens. "Karma, I just want to ta—"
"I don't care."
"I'm not going to do anything—"
"I said get the fuck away."
"I..."
Kayano trails off.
Nagisa knows he's not the one on the receiving end of Karma's hostility—he never has been—but right now is the closest he's ever felt to it, and the apprehension of it keeps him frozen in place. But then when he actually turns back to face Karma, he realizes that he actually doesn't look angry.
Instead, Karma looks...
Afraid.
And something ice-cold sinks in Nagisa's stomach.
Kayano was part of Shiro's plan.
The plan that got Karma captured in the first place.
Kayano must've realized this too—she's frozen in place with the most pained expression that Nagisa's ever seen.
Karma doesn't say anything, only gazes at her, the hostility in his stance not wavering. Nagisa tries to ignore the way he can hear a quiet strain in Karma's breathing or the fact that he can detect an ever so slight tremble in his body.
Finally, eyes gleaming with what seem to be tears, Kayano whispers, "I'm really sorry, Karma."
She turns around and walks out of the alleyway. When she disappears into the distance, Karma lets out a deep, shaking breath. His posture relaxes, but Nagisa can't tell if it's from relief or from weariness as Karma then moves over to sit by the wall and lean his back against it.
"I can leave too if you want," Nagisa says. He doesn't know if leaving Karma alone in this state would be a good idea, but he also doesn't know if staying would be, either. He probably should go and tell Korosensei about this if he leaves.
Karma is silent for a few seconds. Then, quietly, he says, "Do whatever you want."
"Okay. I'll stay then." Haltingly, Nagisa moves over to the wall before settling on the ground a meter away from Karma.
The silence that falls between them is strange as Nagisa tries to remain quiet and as Karma continues to take in deep breaths, gradually calming down. Nagisa went to look for Karma because he was worried. It happened on a whim and he didn't think too much about it. But now that he's found Karma, he's aware of this new feeling of worry rising within him, strong and distinct—one that's not nearly as simple as Karma being missing after lunch.
Because Nagisa's never seen Karma like this before. He's seen him stressed, annoyed, angry, but never this vulnerable. This afraid. It makes sense, given how scary the incident must've been, but... Karma showing, feeling, this genuine, helpless fear was never something Nagisa could imagine, and he feels nearly paralyzed by the unfamiliarity of it.
But as he spots the injuries on Karma's arm and face, he can't help but break the silence.
"Your injuries."
Karma pauses, glancing sidelong at Nagisa.
"Are you sure you don't want to get them treated?" Nagisa says.
Karma's gaze flicks down to the injuries on his arms, as if he just remembered they were there. "No," he says after a few seconds, slightly flexing the hand of his injured arm. The burn scars from the incident are visible on his skin. "These are fine."
Nagisa doesn't ask what he means by that. "Did you know that the guy had a knife?"
"Wouldn't have mattered if I knew or not. I was looking for the fight regardless."
"Looking for the fight..."
"Are you really that surprised?"
No.
"I know you can win fights," Nagisa says instead. "Almost every fight, actually. But I don't know. Right now, it's just... I wonder if..."
"If I'm being stupid? Maybe." Karma lets out a shaking breath that might've been a laugh. "But it's better than what I usually feel these days."
That cold, sinking feeling in Nagisa returns. "What do you mean by that?"
Karma turns his gaze away from Nagisa and to the ground. "It's better than this... constant fear that—that, somehow, Shiro's going to be back. That I'm going to go through all that again. Even though he's dead. Mr. Karasuma shot him. I know he's dead."
"Yeah," Nagisa says quietly. He's seen it, the ways that the impact of the incident never faded for Karma, but could never bring it up. Not until now. "And... with Kayano..."
"Maybe she really was just an unknowing pawn in his plan. I don't doubt that, actually." Karma's voice tightens. "But when I see her, all I can think is that she's here only to give Shiro another window to attack, a distraction for another plan I won't be prepared for."
"That's understandable, though. Her betrayal was a shock, and on top of what happened to you... I can see why you'd feel like that."
"But I hate it. I hate this so much." Karma presses his forehead into his hands, propping his elbows on his knees, as his breathing grows ragged. "I hate how I can't stop feeling like I might get captured again any second. How I can't live without feeling like I need to fight this off, like I need to go and break someone's bones or get my arm cut up or beat someone to a pulp, just to stop feeling this way for even a few minutes."
Nagisa turns to him in alarm, instinctively reaching his hand out. "Karma—"
A gust of wind interrupts him, and a moment later, Korosensei is standing in front of them. Nagisa blinks up at Korosensei as he glances between the two of them, his gaze pausing at the injuries on Karma's arm. Then he turns to Nagisa.
"Nagisa," he says, "you know I don't approve of you skipping class."
Nagisa lowers his head in resignation. "I know."
Then Korosensei lets out a sigh. "But I understand your intentions... And I'm grateful that you're looking out for him."
Nagisa turns to Karma, who hasn't moved from his position or even lifted his head to acknowledge their teacher. Gingerly, Korosensei reaches out a tentacle before placing it on Karma's shoulder. Nagisa isn't sure if it's his imagination, the way that Karma seems to relax the very slightest bit at Korosensei's touch.
Korosensei looks back at Nagisa. "I'll take it from here. You should go back to class now. You can tell them that I sent you and Kayano off on an errand."
Nagisa stands up with his bag. "Okay."
"And thank you, Nagisa," Korosensei says softly.
Nagisa nods, giving Karma one last glance before heading out of the alleyway.
As he walks, it's hard to keep his thoughts from racing. The image of Karma slumped against the wall like that, weary and vulnerable, is too vivid in his mind. Part of it still feels surreal—this is the same Karma that brushed off any weakness with snark and indifference, that would brush it off, whenever Nagisa asked.
Karma seemed so strong after that day, but in the end, he still hasn't been able to escape from the grasp of its aftermath.
Will he ever be able to?
The question sends a new pang of uneasiness through Nagisa.
But... for the first time, Karma finally told Nagisa the truth about his state. He finally admitted all to his frustration and pain and fear, after days of hiding it with that front of strength. Of refusing to even acknowledge it.
And Nagisa thinks that, maybe, this is a start.
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A/N: Headcanon explanation time! So something I noticed with Karma is how consistently he seems to react to emotional experiences with physical violence, like when he was betrayed by his Class D teacher (flipping the table) or when he and Nagisa had that disagreement (turning the fight physical). So I definitely see him using physical violence as, and I'm not sure if I would call it a coping mechanism, but a way for him to deal with his feelings and take them out, you know?
Then as I wondered about what Karma would be like after a traumatizing situation like the one in Vulnerability, I came to an interesting thought. To experience such vulnerability, fear, and helplessness definitely would've left some trauma, where he'd likely still feel vulnerable and afraid even though he knows he's safe. And so with that, I could see him then resorting to physical fights almost as a source of reassurance for himself—with the familiarity of defeating opponents in fights and actually being in control of a situation bringing him that feeling of reassurance—as a way to fight off that feeling of helpless fear stemming from his trauma. Both that, and just a general distraction from it all, you know?
So yeah! I've always wanted to explore this idea, and Vulnerability really gave me the perfect opportunity to. Once again, big kudos to Rookblonkorules for setting up the perfect scenario and for just writing such great whump to start it all off :") I hope that my fic was able to express this headcanon successfully! And as always, thank you for reading.