Why Can't I
It has been a long time since I have written/uploaded a story. This was a once shot based on the song Why Can't I by Liz Phair that I couldn't get out of my head. The characters are the property of Stephanie Myer. Please leave any comments or reviews, its the only way to learn :)
"Get a load of me, get a load of you. Walking down the street like I hardly knew you. It's just like it was meant to be"
"I'm sorry Miss, we do not seem to have that book in stock at the moment", the cashier said. I let out a loud sigh, this had been the last book shop on my list. No other shops in the area had a copy, short of driving 3 hours to Seattle. I thanked the cashier as I made my way out of the shop, my usual clumsy self having no peripheral vision, walked straight into the person coming through the door. The impact caused us both to crash to the floor.
"I am so sorry", I blurted out, "I have been told I should come with my own warning bell". I looked down at my victim and saw a small pixie giggling on the floor.
"It's no problem, I have been told books knock you on your feet, I just wasn't ready for the live action experience" she said. Her voice sounded like gentle wind chimes on a summer afternoon. As I got to my feet I looked down towards the little pixie and as I made eye contact the floor fell away. It was like I was drowning in a twinkling sea of brilliant blue.
"Are you ok? I swear I didn't hit you that hard" she giggled. I felt my face heat up, crap how long had I been staring.
"Ah-yeah", I said, "don't worry yourself short stuff, no damage done."
"So, what literary classic has you knocking down poor damsels on the street", she asked.
"I would hardly call you a damsel, you look like you could take care of yourself in a tough situation" I said, "but I was looking for the new Arcadia novel. Every store form here to Forks is sold out." Her eyes suddenly widened.
"Oh, I have almost finished that book", she exclaimed, "Here give me your number, when I finish you can borrow it, but only on one condition. You have to have lunch with me once your finished! No one I know will read the series and I NEED someone to talk to about it".
"Are you serious! That's amazing thank you so much!" I couldn't believe my luck. She jumped forward and gave me a hug.
"I knew I was meant to be here today, were going to be best friends", she exclaimed.
"Holding hands with you, we're out at night. Got a girlfriend, you say this isn't right. And I've got someone waiting too.
After that first lunch we had become practically inseparable. Her name was Alice, and she was quickly becoming a big part of my life. We would meet and spend hours talking about anything and everything. I told her stories of how I got the scar above my left eyebrow from falling while ice skating, she told me of her days growing up in Biloxi and how she hadn't always fit in but always loved summer days twirling on the tire swing hanging off the oak tree in her backyard. She was a wedding planner; she would tell people it was because she loved to style a design, but she actually loved love.
"Have you ever been in love?" I asked her one night. We had been for dinner at an Italian restaurant in Port Angeles and decided to take a walk near the water, dragging out the time before we had to put the night to rest.
"I don't know" a slight crease appeared in between her eyebrows.
"What about Leah?" I asked. She had told me they had gotten together not long after Alice had moved to Forks 12 months ago.
"I mean I care about her, of course I do. She is amazing and kind and extremely loyal" she said.
"But?" I asked.
"But I am worried that it's not there", she whispered as she turned to look out towards the dark ocean, her twinkling blue eyes longing for what may never be.
"What about Edward?" She asked.
"Of course I love Edward, we have been together since high school, we have always fit together" I said.
"But are you in love with him?"
"Yea-I mean", I faulted. I thought about it, and he has always been there for me, and I really loved him but that spark Alice always spoke about. I didn't know if it was there.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that" she rushed as she went to turn away. I quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled her back.
"No, don't be sorry! You can ask me anything Alice, always. I just don't know if I can answer the question. I guess I never looked before." I admitted. We continued down the pier, hand in hand, both of us contemplating the age-old question of love. Alice stopped suddenly, causing me to fall in line next to her. As we stood there under the pier side streetlamp, her blue twinkling eyes found mine, and I swear I forgot how to breath.
"Bella, we can't keep doing this" she whispered. Her thumb rubbing gentle circles on the back of mine.
"Wh-what do you mean?" I asked. Crap what did I do, did I say something wrong.
"This. Us. We are together all the time, and that was good but of course that is going to impact our relationships. I have to go back and see Leah and you should see Edward. It's not their fault we aren't there. They deserve a proper chance". Before I could respond she had dropped my hand and walked off into the night.
Once my brain had begun to catch up to what had happened, I started to panic.
"When will I see you again", I called out into the night, my eyes stinging with tears.
"I don't know" she said so softly I almost missed it. She disappeared into the dark night and left me under the light confused and heart broken.
"What if this is the beginning? We're already wet so were going to go swimming"
"Bella did you hear me? Edward called out.
"Hm? Sorry" I muttered, "I just have a lot on my mind at the moment". That was a lie, I only had one thing on my mind, and she had not called or messaged me back since the night at the pier.
"Have I done something wrong?" I heard Edward sigh, "I feel you haven't been here lately. I know something happened with that friend of yours, Alice, but you won't talk to me about it and I can't help you if you don't talk to me"
The guilt which had been threatening the surface suddenly delve down with a carnivorous appetite. Edward was perfect, he would write me symphonies, he made sure he would call me at least once a day just to hear me ramble about insignificant things that had happened. He would send me flowers and never let me feel even minutely insignificant. He loved me with all his heart, but he wasn't Alice. Ever since that night by the pier I had been looking for her face in every stranger just hoping to run into her, every day I would see something I know she would love and just want to talk to her about it. Most importantly I just missed being around her, it had felt like a part of me was missing. There was an energy when we were together, like static electricity charging the air. I knew she meant more than just some friend, and I also knew she was right, I was not being fair to Edward. I didn't know if I would ever see Alice again, but I did know I wasn't in love with Edward, and for the first time in my life just love wasn't enough.
"Edward, we need to talk" I said.
"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable, it's the fact that were going to get down to it.
It had been a month since I ended things with Edward and even longer since she walked away. Jake had been thrilled to know Edward and I were over, but the joy was not long lived. He had figured out soon enough I was mourning a could be rather than what had been. I couldn't explain it, I had known her only 2 months and I couldn't stop thinking about her, even though every memory struck as true as a fatal blow to the chest. I tried to explain to Jake, it is a pretty ridiculous scenario to explain without sounding obsessed but as always, he understood my wild ramblings.
"Seriously Bella", his usually carefree tone sombre, "if it's meant to be nothing on earth can keep you away from each other." I wished I shared his optimism.
The days had begun to blend together, it felt as if all my spare time was taken up with thoughts of a small pixie. How she would touch my lower back when she was standing beside me, how her laugh scared away the rain and how she just looked into me with those twinkling blue eyes. I sat by the window, watching the snow float in the gentle breeze, listening to the fire crackle echoing in the room, when a soft knock came at the door. It must have been Jake wanting food, I swear that boy ate 10 meals a day. As I opened the door a flurry of snow stole its way inside, along with a very wet pixie. Her usual flawless composition dishevelled, the twinkle in her eye no more than a dull flicker. I could feel my heart threatening to break again.
"I am so sorry for coming here", she whispered, "I broke up with Leah and honestly you were the only one I wanted to see. I know how unfair it is, especially after I-" she was cut off as I pulled her towards me, wrapping my arms around her petite waist. She had frozen on the spot, clearly not expecting this reaction.
"I am here for you always", I whispered the promise into the side of her raven black hair. She quickly relaxed and fell into my embrace.
"Isn't this the best part of breaking up. Finding someone else you can't get enough of. Someone who wants to be with you too."
It was like no time had passed at all. We instantly fell back into out old routine, the time we would have spent with our partners replaced with movie marathons, experimental cooking and our weekly comfort zone challenges. It was a thing we had started once we realised it took finding each other to get us to step out of the safe and find something exceptional, plus Alice thought it would push our boundaries and god knows I can't say no to her. After I introduced her to Jake, we began to include him, when he wasn't busy helping down at the Res. Turns out this worked out great for him. Alice and I agreed we both missed our exes as friends, so after a few months we both reached out to them, to see how they were. As Alice was talking to Leah, Jake, who it turns out only lives a few doors down came to say hi and Alice introduced the two. Not long after the two started dating. Unfortunately, I was no help to Edward in that way, but he did agree he wanted to be friends, he had missed me as much as I missed him. I had really been enjoying these challenges, until today. Turns out Alice and Jake becoming friends was the worst thing to happen to me. They had organised for us to go cliff jumping. Off actual cliffs.
"Oh come on Bella, don't be a whimp. You got this," Jake goaded, "unless your chicken".
"If I say I'm chicken, can I meet you guys at the bottom" I said, my stomach churning every time I even looked towards the cliff.
"Nope sorry, as your best friend it is my job to remind you that you agreed to these challenges so you gotta do it", he said. I swear he was enjoying this way too much.
"Well turns out I am not a woman of my word; I am a terrible liar and a coward. I will see both at the bottom" as I turned to walk away a small hand slipped into mine, a sudden jolt or energy surged through me.
"Please Bella, for me" she said looking up at me, those blue eyes instantly melting any resolve I had. I would do anything to make sure those eyes kept twinkling.
"Dammit Alice," I looked towards the cliff and back to the expectant looking pixie.
"Will you jump with me?" I said squeezing her hand in mine.
"I will always jump with you", she whispered. Before I could question what, she said she was pulling me into a run. As we jumped off the cliff, it was like time went into slow motion, I looked at the pixie next to me, her face so carefree, all the weight removed in this free-falling nightmare, just pure ecstasy. It was at that moment I realised I was falling for Alice, literally and figuratively. Reality hit as we pierced the grey stormy ocean.
"It's an itch we are going to scratch, going to take a while for this egg to hatch. But wouldn't it be beautiful"
The realisation at the cliffs should have thrown me for a loop but it didn't, it was like finding out the sky is blue. Of course, it was blue, what other colour could it be. Loving Alice, never just happened, it always was. Loving Alice was easy. The only problem was I had no idea if she felt the same. There were moments where there was a lingering touch, a kiss on the cheek which came a little too close to the corner of my lips, the way I would be thinking about her and when I would sneak a glance she was already staring, but this was just Alice.
She was warm and friendly to the world. I couldn't think, couldn't hope it was just for me. Most importantly I couldn't risk losing her again. The time we were apart hurt more than any other pain and that was before I knew how deep in I was. I don't think I could handle it now. Unfortunately for the first time in his life Jake decided to be intuitive.
"Bella, why do I have a feeling you might be crushing on a certain little pixie?" he asked, the smirk on his face grew as I choaked on my drink.
"What! No! Shut up!" I sputtered. The blood rising to my face. Jake burst out laughing.
"I knew it", he exclaimed, "I swear the two of you are like a hallmark card. I don't know what's taking you so long!" By this point comparing my face to a fire extinguisher would have been an accurate assessment.
"Shut up Jake!" I managed through clenched teeth.
"Oh come on Bella, a blind man could see how you two look at each other"
"She doesn't like me like that", I muttered.
"Have you asked her?" he said.
"Its not that easy Jake, what if I lose her again. I don't think I can handle that again", I admitted.
"Ok so what if you don't lose her", he challenged, "when you look at what you want your future to be, what do you see?"
"I don't know man, if I was lucky enough for her to care about me even a fraction of how I care about her I would do everything in my power to make her happy. I want to hear about her day, I want to hear about the bridal drama from her work, I want to sit on the couch after a long week and watch shitty movies together and laugh at how stupid it all is. I would want to just be with her" I admitted, my heart torn in two by the overwhelming possibility of what could be and the paralysing fear of what I could lose.
"Here we go were at the beginning. Were already wet and were going to go swimming"
Goddammit where was Jake! He was meant to meet me out the front of the restaurant 10 minutes ago and the cold was beginning to set in. I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket. It was Jake, he was feeling unwell so would have to take a rain check. Was he serious! First, he makes me 'wear something nice' and even went so far as telling me to wear makeup, just to cancel on me AFTER we were supposed to meet. I turned and stormed back to my car keeping my head down out of the cold, and walked straight into her.
"Alice?" I asked to the short figure that had fallen on the side of the road.
"Bella?" her familiar voice chimed in the night. "What are you doing here, besides running girls over on the sidewalk."
"I believe I mentioned to you that I should come with a warning bell. I was meant to meet Jake, but he cancelled last minute. What about you?" I saw the sides of her mouth turn up slightly.
"Actually, basically the same thing but with Leah", she said. What was Jake playing at. Oh god did he say something.
"Well, if you and I have both been stood up, and considering you went all out for the occasion. Would you be my date this evening and know that since this is the second time you have run me over, I am obliged to tell you that you have no choice and have to agree", she asked, the mischievous twinkle in her eyes staring right through me. I swear I felt my heart flip in my chest.
"Of course," I stammered. She looped her arm through mine lead the way, straight past the restaurant in the direction of the pier.
"Alice where are we going?" I asked as she continued further towards to water. My mind began to race with the memory of our last time at the pier. She wasn't going to leave again was she, had I done something wrong, something to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable? We continued on until we came to that all too familiar spot.
"Bella, far to recently for my liking I pushed you away" she said. The panic causing my heart to ache in anticipation. I turned away from her, I couldn't bare to see it happen it again, to look at her while she broke my heart. I felt a soft hand cup my cheek turning my face to look back at her.
"I made a mistake that night and ran from something that scared me. If anything, my time with you has shown me how much fear can hold you back, all these months with you and Jake I would have missed out on them just because I was too busy trying to make safe work. All while the thing I was looking for was standing right in front of me." Her voice wavering as she spoke. Alice was never scared of anything; she was the most confident person I knew. Is she trying to say what I think she is?
"Bella, I got scared because if you said no, I honestly don't know what I would do", she admitted.
"When have I ever been able to say no to you Alice, I jumped off a cliff you, if that doesn't prove how much you mea- "she cut me off as her hands pulled my face towards hers, her soft lips meeting mine full of passion, my heart swarmed under her touch as I wrapped my arms around her waist to pull her closer. Always closer, I wouldn't lose her, never again. As we broke away for air, both trying to catch our breaths she turned to me expectantly.
"So" she said. Her twinkling blue eyes always looking in, full of so much love, my heart threatened to burst.
"Will you go on a second date with me?", I blurted out. "I mean I know our first date isn't over but-." Again, she cut of my babbling with a kiss, I could feel her mouth tilt up in a soft smile.
"I meant it when I said I will always jump with you" she whispered.