20 years.
20 years of betrayal.
20 years of pain.
20 years of loneliness.
20 years spent trying to achieve a impossible dream.
The number 20 repeats in Robin's mind as she lay awake staring into nothingness. She is a nocturnal creature by habit— having long forgotten the comfort of sleep.
She always prided herself for her intelligence. She takes no pride in it anymore, she has no right to when she has deluded herself beyond redemption, her alleged intellect has betrayed her just like the world has for 20 years.
She has learned soon enough after losing whatever faith she had that her presence is welcomed in this world long ago that emotions are a weakness that will lead to her demise and made a silent vow she will never succumb to it.
How ironic it is she thought her motivation all these years were calculated and rational when she was a emotional fool all along. It would have been only befitting if she had perished in the tomb a few days ago. A poetic end to a deluded fool who had countless sins down to the tip of her fingernails. All because she chose to be a deluded fool and didn't embrace the comfort of sleep.
She had secretly always in the back of her mind cherished the thought of closing her eyes and never opening it again as she tastes the bliss of eternal darkness. The darkness that isn't going consume her soul as it would cease to exist among it's infinite void.
That is at least what she desperately hopes. She doesn't know any better about what awaits the soul when it departs from the body. She is too exhausted to care.
Emotion. That dreaded inescapable 7 letter word. The 7 letter word that clouded her rationality to believe it is possible to escape it's clutch.
A emotionless intelligent person being guided by their intellect in neglect of their emotions?
Perhaps they do exist.
Perhaps there are those who are disgusted by the idea that their actions are dictated by emotions and vow to never yield to them by becoming true monsters who ceases all attachment to all that's human.
Perhaps there are those who intelligent enough to be certain that they are not lead astray by emotions or have at least some level of self awareness that they are indeed held hostage by emotion.
She had deceived herself for 20 years thinking she is a emotionless intelligent person who had been guided by intellect in neglect of her emotions.
When all this time she was emotionally guided by chasing the same foolish dream her mother chased, the same foolish dream that led the only people in the world she cared about to ruin.
She momentarily closes her eyes and questions again why she is still here in the enemy's ship, why she is still alive.
Her decision to join the strawhats is much of a sporadic decision as much as it is a logical one. As contradictory as it sounds.
A knive to her wrist, a cyanide pill or simply jumping into the cruel and unforgiving sea would have granted her the release that she begged for in the tomb; her corpse would simply decompose in the sands of Alabasta or at the bottom of the ocean as the world would eventually forget about her.
The alluring thought of embracing the sweet taste of perpetual sleep are her only refugee. She doesn't have the audacity nor possess the shamelessness to have thoughts about her dreadful dream— The only thoughts besides the thought of perishing that brought her comfort and the only reason her cherished urges has always been pushed back. Then why is she still here? Why is she continuing the cycle of suffering?
Robin can not find herself to answer that question. Even when bliss extends it's hand to her, she turns away and continues to breathe. If she couldn't be more irrational to hesitate to accept what she so fervently seeks.
The intensity of her struggle has only amplified with every night since finding herself now among the crew where hostility outweighed neutrality not even a week ago. Oddly neutrality and even acceptance annoyed her more than anything. They should hate her. They should treat her as a nuisance. They should betray her. They should let the cycle continue and not let her breathe easily for a second, the painful seconds that forces her to confront her deludedness.
She didn't have the will to resist the label of a coward who is running away from herself. Robin sits up as she tries to move her thoughts to her fantasy horror novel or the indulgence in her caffeine addiction.
She didn't have the strength to move her hands to turn the next page nor did she have the strength to savour the bitter taste of coffee. The only thing left to savour is the bitter taste of utter and absolute defeat.
She walks over to the mirror to stare at herself, even cowards have to sometimes face themselves. What stares back at her couldn't have illustrated what she feels any better. Her eyes are tired, her face desperate. Desperate to scream loudly. Desperate to cry without care. Desperate for those tired eyes to never gaze upon what it sees ever again.
She wants to run away once again, run away from herself she told herself yet again. However with every passing second she stares into herself, the comfort of cowardice slowly fades away as her tired eyes remind her of every sin she has ever committed, every sin of hers those blue orbs staring back has ever withnessed herself commit just for the sake of a foolish dream.
The painful subtlety of every single of her sins dawn upon her as she closed her eyes slowly as her legs become numb, her mind paralysed, unable start running yet again. Where should she run? Of course she knew. She always knew that only one path was open for her.
She should be overwhelmed, oddly she is not. Her facial features only produce a serene smile as she opens her eyes again, she is happy. Happy beyond what she has a right to be. The tiredness fades away as it is replaced by unspeakable Joy. Joy she has denied herself for too long.
She can finally be intimate with her thoughts of refuge without hesitation that she has anything left to keep her attached to this world, she never did have anything left, Oh how foolish the intelligent scholar of Ohara is; It only took 20 years to figure that out.
If there is a hell after death then it can not be worse than the agonizing reminder of her existence. Being wrapped up in a blanket and laying in the soft fabric of her bed is more painful than any fire of the afterlife. She yearns for those alleged flames to consume her forever if she can have the luxury of forgetting she ever existed.
Robin turns away from the mirror as she takes out the pocket knife she bought at age 10 while she was still in the West Blue. The closest thing to a friend she has had for 20 years, she can always turn to it in the face of distress and it always comforts her pain by giving her a way out. She always pushed a friend's consolation away to be insistent in being a fool.
She guides it close to her wrists; smiling as she prepares herself to say goodbye. Goodbye to her one and only friend who has stuck by her side for years through her foolishness and sins. She doesn't need a farewell to herself, She has already died 5 days ago. It's only her body that is alive to taunt her.
Her smile abruptly stops as the thought passes her mind. Through her agony and delight; She momentarily forgot where she is and why she is still here.
She slowly guided the knife back to her pocket.
Not yet.
Monkey D Luffy.
"I wanted to die but you made me live"
"That's your crime"
A crime she will not overlook before her departure. Even through sailing with some of the most despicable and horrific men throughout her life, she has never been so insulted by one before the man she now calls captain.
She is more irritated with this man than she initially realized, her desire to make him pay for his actions was strong enough that she felt compelled to join his crew to fulfill that desire.
She wanted to punish him by forcing him to allow her presence in his ship, punish him for forcing herself to pain of insomnia when sleep reached her.
Yet he is unbothered. She doubts he even knows who she is, what she is capable of or what she has done to make it far enough to grace his ship.
That annoying smile he sends her way like the rest of his crew. Telling his crew that she is not a bad person. If his mockery couldn't be any worse.
A part of her admonished herself for yet again turning away from sleep like the fool she is. Her stubbornness is the source of her foolishness.
Her stubbornness to not give up studying the poneglyphs when the scholars told her it is dangerous, her stubborness that one day she will truly learn the hundred year void when in fact it is in fact impossible and now stubborness that she can not be satisfied until she finds a resolution with this man.
Tonight will be the end of his mockery. He could keep smiling if only he listened to his swordsmen friend instead of putting trust on the untrustworthy individual that is herself. Trusting her because she saved his life twice on a whim? He might be a bigger fool than she is.
She will erase that annoying smile from his face forever.
Assassinating the pirate captain who defeated Crocodile in broad daylight is impossible, the best way to kill him will be to simply go to his room as he is sleeping and strangle him to death without a sound and then follow him by killing herself.
She took a quick glance to see the navigator sleeping, she checked the clock. It was way past midnight, there shouldn't be a reason the navigator would suddenly get up or anyone else for that matter. This is the best possible moment.
Robin made all the effort in the world to leave the room without a noise but of course it wouldn't be so smooth. She cringed as the door creaked louder than she had hoped it would, she held her breath as Nami stirred ever so slightly.
She waited for a few minutes before putting her foot out the door, she decided to leave the door open. She knew she shouldn't have, at this point it wouldn't make much of a difference. If the navigator did wake up, she would notice someone is missing either ways.
"Robin?" A groggy voice called behind her.
Robin stopped in her tracks and clenched her teeth as her fears manifested. Of course nothing can ever go her way. She couldn't lose her composure now. She turned around carefully, trying not to be suspicious by not being too swift or too slow.
"Yes navigator san? did I interrupt your sleep?" She said with a smile
"Mhmm, I heard the door creaking, why are you up so late?" Nami said as she yawned.
"I was just going to get some fresh air, I am having trouble sleeping" Robin lied smoothly.
"Oh I see, would you like company?" Nami asked
Robin kept her smile up "Its ok navigator san, you should go back to sleep, I apologize for waking you up"
She turned to leave, she was hoping this was the last of interruptions. In the end if she dies from retaliation then she will accept it, she has nothing to lose, she told herself. She hopes she can settle the score with the captain before that happens.
"Robin why did you wait 5 mins before getting out?"
So she was awake the whole time. Did she catch on?
"I was debating whether or not I should go back to sleep, but I don't think I will get much sleep tonight so I am going to catch some breeze even if it doesn't help" Robin said naturally as if it was the truth, she scared herself sometimes with her ability to lie.
Nami seemed to buy it as she nodded "If you have trouble sleeping, talk to chopper tomorrow, he can help you with that"
Nami yawned "Anyways I am going to go back to sleep, but don't be afraid to ask chopper if you need help, we are friends now, there is no need to hide things if it bothers you" she said with a smile before going back to sleep again.
Robin too smiled "Of course"
A frown replaced the smile as she turned around and started to make her way to the men's quarter. She was used to deceit and a part of her forcefully by habit screamed to be alert of the navigator, but she couldn't help but actually believe she meant everything she said.
Hesitation? She couldn't help but be a little annoyed, when was the last time she hesitated turning her back on a crew she joined? She hated to admit but for the last days, she has against her will gravitated to this crew in ways that she never did before with any others she had sailed with.
She pressed foward gritting her teeth, with every step doubting her resolve to actually go through with what she had wanted to do.
She abruptly stopped as she saw the captain of the ship on the head of the Merry.
"What is he doing here?"
Any thought of killing the captain vanished now that her mission is a impossibility, even she doubted herself that she could go through with it with doubt and hesitation weighing down on her. She should have simply closed her eyes.
Yet despite her doubts being cleared that she has nothing left to keep her attached, paradoxically she also knows that there is still one thread left that is bothering her, even if she wants to pretend it's not there.
She needs a closure to her life before she closes her eyes. That closure can only come from making peace with this man who forced her to live.
She finds herself walking towards him, as if the muscles in her legs knows the deepest parts of herself that even she herself is not aware of.
Every step she takes, she only finds herself lost. Lost to why she is moving towards him, is it curiousity? is it hostility? Is it something else? If so what is it?
As she got closer, she couldn't help the feeling of guilt that was coursing through her. The realization that this would possibly be the last human interaction she would have made her more aware of her intentions earlier.
She was going to kill the man who has more right to live than herself. She was going to kill a man who has companions whom depend on him. She was going to kill a man who had selflessly fought and almost lost his life over someone he considers a friend.
"Rotten to the bitter end" A part of her whispered, perhaps she was deserving of the ephitet given to her. She has become what she told herself was a unfair projection. She told herself in the past, she had to become a demon and give up all semblance of morality to survive and get closer to her dream.
Yet here she is now, approaching the man she was going planning to murder just because he saved her worthless life. The man who accepted her without any hesitation.
Luffy seemed to notice her presence as he turned around and greeted her with his signature grin "Hey Robin! What are you doing up so late?"
Robin managed to smile back weakly "I could say the same Captain San, aren't you supposed to be sleeping?"
"Shishishishi I was forced to be on watch duty for tonight, It's soooo boring! So I am just counting the stars from my special seat!" He said as he pumped his fists in the air.
Robin chuckled lightly at his enthusiasm "I see" inwardly though she was facepalming, how could she forget something as obivious as someone being a lookout through the night? She would get caught before she even took a step in the men's quarter.
"So why are you up Robin?" Luffy asked curiously
"I had trouble sleeping" She knew friendly chitchat is pointless. She led her heart guide the way as her mind failed to answer why she is here talking to him. " Actually Captain San I need to speak to you about something important" She said almost emotionlessly, her weak smile waning further.
Luffy stopped grinning as the unspoken heaviness of her words struck her "Talk about what Robin?" Luffy asked apprehensively, a small frown now plastered over his face.
"I want to leave the crew. I am sorry I have forced you to let me join, I know I have caused you trouble with swordsmen san"
Luffy's frown deepened.
"I wanted to thank you for accepting me when your crew objected, I will leave the ship on the next island" Robin said, if she were to be honest she does not know why she is feeling so courteous, she is just letting her heart to spill out the words even if she has no idea why she is saying the things she is saying.
"Is this about what Zoro said?" Luffy said as he sent her a reassuring look.
"No Captain San, I don't mind distrust. After all I was your enemy not long ago, I just simply want to leave as I believe it is not in my best interests for us to sail together"
Luffy's frown returned as he hid his eyes under his strawhat "Do you have somewhere to go?" He asked calmly.
"Pardon?"
"Do you have somewhere to go?" Despite the calmness behind each word, there was underlying anger.
Robin's eyes hardened "I don't understand why you are asking me this Captain san?"
"I am not asking again, tell me yes or no, do you have somewhere to go? When you joined you said you had nowhere left to go" Luffy said as slight anger leaked out.
"It is of none of your concern" She said harsher than intended.
"Don't. You. Dare." Luffy hissed threateningly.
Robin took a instinctive step back.
"Captain San what do you—"
Luffy's eyes were no longer hidden by his hats as he glared at Robin with fury "Don't you dare think about killing yourself!" He said with pure anger.
Robin's eyes widened, how did he know by just asking her a single question? She didn't stop to think rationally as her face turned furious, she glared back "Oh I can't die because you need to collect my full bounty Right?! Is that why you let me live?! Or is it because you enjoy mocking me!" She lashed out.
Luffy was caught off-guard at her outburst, he lost his glare as his face became blank. The eyes that had glared into her deep blue orbs now stare into them as the fire in them are replaced by a myriad of emotions. One moment it is sadness, One moment it is hurt, One moment it is confusion. One moment you can not decipher it.
"Go ahead! Call the marines! You can have my 79 million bounty as compensation for saving my life! I am sick and tired of this cycle of betrayal and heartbreak! I don't have any will to take it anymore!" Tears fell from her eyes as her voice didn't bother to hide her defeated spirit
"What-what are you talking about?" Luffy asked bewildered, his voice didn't hold back his emotions.
"Don't play dumb with me, Monkey D Luffy" Robin hissed out "I will gladly turn myself to the Marines if my bounty is what you are after so tell me why did you and still insist on letting me live? Is it because of my bounty? You knew I was spying on your conversation, that's why you didn't tell swordsmen san the real reason, didn't you?"
"What are you talking about?" Luffy said still bewildered.
20 hands suddenly held his entire body in place as Robin wiped her tears away as she got closer to Luffy holding her devil fruit pose with murderous intent "I was generous enough to offer you my bounty but it seems you still are not going spill what I want to hear"
Luffy didn't retaliate with even a single muscle in his body, he didn't even utter a word as he intensely stared at Robin.
Robin venomously glared at Luffy "I will make it simpler. If you don't answer my question now, I will throw you overboard to drown and follow you myself" Her gaze meet his as she concernated her sight into his eyes, looking for any signs of lies and deception.
"Why are you trying to keep me alive? You did not let me die back then and you have the audacity to be angry when I want to die now, Why? Tell me why!?" Robin demanded.
"Because you are my friend" Luffy said without missing a beat. In his mind, he put the pieces together. He was no longer bewildered. It all made sense to him now.
Robin's eyes widened as she heard the sincerity in his voice, and his eyes only reflected it. She dropped her pose as Luffy became free from her hold. A part of mind she long buried surfaced.
"There is no one in the world who is meant to be alone! One day you will find friends who will cherish and protect you!"
"Why?" She said in a low voice. "Why?! Why would you call me a friend?! I thought about killing you tonight! You know nothing about me! How can you say I am your friend so easily when I just threatened you!" She shouted loudly, not loud enough to wake up anyone but loud enough for Luffy to hear nothing else.
"I called you my friend because you are my friend and you didn't kill me did you? So why would I not call you a friend?" Luffy said simply.
Robin was left dumbfounded at such a childish retort to her question "What- What kind of twisted definition of friendship do you have?!"
"Nami does come pretty close to killing me when I piss her off everyday and she is clearly my friend" He could see the incredulous look directed at him "Even if you thought about killing me, you could never do it just like Nami because you are my friend and you are a good person"
"You don't know me or my past to say that!" Robin said frustrated. She wanted to also say she isn't his friend but for some she couldn't bring herself to say that much to her annoyance.
"You are right, I don't but I know you are a good person and even if you aren't which I know you are, you are still my friend" Luffy said with no doubt.
Robin opened her mouth and then closed it, what could she say now? This man's logic and thought process is so ridiculous yet so obnoxiously sound, she would laugh if this interection wasn't so tense.
"You heard Zoro and me talking right?" Luffy said suddenly.
"Yes" She said absentmindedly. Her mind was only occupied trying to make sense of the person before her.
"It was about you, I can't blame you for wanting to hear what we say since you still don't trust us" Luffy said "If you heard our talk then you know I heard you in the tomb"
His words shattered her absentmindedness as she mentally berated herself for overlooking the fact he heard everything she had said in the tomb.
"You think your dream is over because you failed"
"W-what does have to do with anything?" Robin said biting her lip. She has learnt the hard lesson tonight that even if her captain looked dense on the outside, he is far more perceptive and intelligent than she realized.
Luffy said nothing as he forced her full attention to him before speaking "You think you have nothing to live for because you failed to achieve your dream" he paused "You think there is no one left who cares you keep living" Luffy could see her flinch and avert her eyes.
Luffy went over to her as he placed a hand on her shoulder "You said you thought about killing me but you just wanted to let out your frustration for still being alive, you think killing me will make you forget I saved your life? So you can stop questioning whether you still have anything to live for? To end any doubt that there is anyone left who wants you to live?"
Robin was trembling, her eyes wide, as he was narrating the deepest parts of her heart. How did this carefree, naive, gullible boy understand her better than herself? He figured all it out this quickly through their conversation?
Luffy grabbed her other shoulder and forced her to meet his eye "Stop hating that you are alive! If you think your dream is over then you are a idiot! The future pirate king wouldn't allow anyone in his crew if he believed they couldn't achieve their dreams or they are weak enough to give up on their dream!" He shouted.
Robin couldn't stop her tears even if she tried to as stared dumbly into Luffy's eyes.
Luffy continued his shouting "If you think no one cares that you are still alive. Well I am still alive, I am still your friend and I am glad you are alive! Stop believing in lies when the truth is in front of you!"
Luffy's eyes softened as he finished "So don't do something stupid ok?" He said gently.
"L-Luffy.." She choked out through her sobs. Her heart was soaring with a feeling that she has habitually conditoned herself to never feel again.
Trust.
Luffy's smile returned, stretching ear to ear, illuminating the darkness all around "Shishishishi I will take that as an ok and don't you dare go back to "Captain San" or "Monkey D Luffy""
Robin giggled lightly as she wiped her eyes "I will keep that in mind Captain san"
Luffy looked irratated "Hey! What did I just say!"
"I don't know what did you say Captain San?" Robin teased, feeling lighter than she has in a long time.
Luffy grumbled "I am serious" As he finished, he adopted a serious expression snapping out of his grumpiness.
"Robin, I don't ask for any of my crewmate's past because it is not important to me and the past should stay where it belongs" He said in upmost seriousness.
Robin's attention was drawn fully.
"But I have to know yours, if not as your friend if you don't consider me one but as your captain. It's my duty to protect you. I am not going to let you harm yourself because you are still weighed down by the past"
Luffy saw the reluctance in Robin's eyes and understood "If you are not comfortable, then you can take your time to decide when you want to tell me but I am not going to let this slide Robin"
"I don't want to bur—"
"You still think I consider you a burden? I am responsible for lives of every single of my crewmates! you are not—"
"Yes! I am different! I am not like your crewmates Luffy!" Robin snapped.
Luffy smiled inwardly that Robin called him by his name even if it was done subconsciously. "You are not any different Robin" he finished.
Robin opened her mouth to argue but before she could, Luffy rebuked her "If you want to tell me how wrong I am then tell me why you believe something so false and stupid when we have that talk, but we are having that talk Robin" he said with finality.
Robin didn't have the willpower to argue further as she sighed in exhaustion"I-i need some time"
"Take as much of it as you need" He said right away. He looked pleadingly in her eyes as he grabbed her hands "But Please. Please don't do something stupid, promise me you won't harm yourself"
Robin was still in disbelief at the heartfelt and earnest care he was showing, she was questioning whether or not she truly deserved it "I promise Luffy" She found herself saying even if she herself doesn't know if she should have.
Luffy smiled, satisfied with how things went "You should go back to sleep Robin, It's late"
"I am used to not sleeping much but I think I will go back to bed" Robin said also with a slight smile that she couldn't help even if she was trying surpress it. She released her hands from his and walked back to the women's quarters.
Robin stopped walking and with each step she felt more and more compelled to say the 2 words she hasn't said in so long and it wouldn't be befitting if she held back any emotions to truly convey how she feels."Luffy?"
"Yeah?"
Robin did not force herself to surpress her genuine smile as she turned around "Thank you"
Luffy's eyes widened slightly as his heartbeat accelerated seeing her mesmerizing smile. It is like he never saw her before this moment "Uh I am not good with grafitti? No gratify? Uhmm AH! Good Grub!-"
The smile didn't leave Robin's face as she giggled at his awestruck expression "Gratitude?"
Luffy scratched his head, slightly embarrassed "Yeah that"
Robin sensing the awkwardness in the air turned around "I will be going now, Good night Luffy, hope you are at least good with good nights" She said teasingly.
Luffy's embarrassment only intensified "Uhh yeah Good mor-, I mean Good night Robin!" He said as he turned around, he did not want anyone to see his face right now.
She giggled one last time as she turned around and kept walking.
"I might have found the friend you were talking about Saul"
How long as it been since she could think about her one and only true friend without simultaneously trying to surpress his memory? The foolish words he said before he departed always stung her, yet now those words don't feel foolish anymore.
Should she be scared that they don't feelike they are just foolish words of hope given to a little girl?
Robin arrived in the women's quarter and layed down without delay. She closed her eyes, strangely she does not have the desire now to have them shut forever. It is almost surreal how not even one bit of her desires it.
"As long as you are here Luffy, I won't go anywhere. I don't know if you will ever abondon me like everyone else but please don't ever leave my side Luffy"
As that unexpected and mortifying thought passed Robin, her heart sped up. She opened her eyes in disbelief.
Impossible. That did not just happen.