Disclaimer: Law & Order SVU/OC and its characters don't belong to me. This story has been written for fun only, not for money.
Spoilers: SVU S23 + OC S2, up to episode 16.
Summary: Olivia ran into Burton Lowe again and is spiralling.
Notes: I thought this was going to be a short drabble, but of course my fingers decided otherwise hehe…it's not that long, but still longer than I expected. I woke up to this in my head this week...
This is all based on spoilers and speculation. Elliot has met Noah (ep 20) and Burton is back in the picture (ep 21). Olivia and Elliot have been working towards something more than friendship, although nothing has been discussed. Elliot is done with the Brotherhood assignment. He has asked Olivia to go to dinner, as an unofficial first date, but she had refuse.
Feedback: I always love to have feedbacks on my work so I can improve my writing. Any advice, constructive comments and suggestions are welcomed.
Enjoy and please review!
Deserving of Love
By musical-Aven
Olivia slammed her apartment's door, dropped her keys and her coat, and went directly to the kitchen to open a bottle of red wine. The door wasn't so loud, but the feeling of slamming it was liberating. It was 6 pm, Noah was at a sleepover tonight, and it was for the best. She was pissed. She needed to cool off and numb her mind.
Opening the bottle and getting herself a first glass had been on her mind since she left *him*. Burton Lowe was back in town, promoting a new book. She had run into him at its signing, in a café near the station. She hadn't known he was back so the surprise hit her hard. As did her emotions. She wasn't prepared to face him again, after their last conversation (and the glass he threw at her in his hotel room).
He had smiled smugly at her, took a break from the signing and went up to her. They had talked, but she couldn't wait to get out of the café and end their encounter. His latest book, Loving a criminal, was about a detective who fell in love with a well known criminal and helped him get away with his crimes by using her power in the police. A classic submissive and weak woman falling for a bad man. Olivia couldn't care less for the story.
But Burton used his time with her to go back to their last conversation. Olivia didn't want to but somehow he had manipulated her into listening to his side, again. He had accused her of trying to paint him as a bad guy and that she had just been brainwashed by her mother into believing that he had hurt her back then. Benson fought back, again, stating clearly what he had done to her, grooming a 16-year-old, was against the law. After a heated exchanged, Burton had ended by telling her that "she had never truly been in love" and that "she would never experience true love, because she didn't deserve it."
She finished up her glass and served herself another at the memory of his words. Fighting back tears, she tried to focus on her anger rather than her pain. His voice was resonating in her head. Pushing her back down, diminishing her. She felt stomped on, and pissed about it. He had no right to make her feel this way, and yet, his words hit her deep, cracking open a life-long emotional hurt.
You don't deserve love.
She had believed this for so long. First her mother made her feel that way. And then the men in her life weren't enough to change her mind. Elliot might have, at some point, but then he left and reinforced that belief even more. She wasn't enough, she wasn't loved enough.
She closed her eyes in frustration and pain. Thinking about Elliot made this whole thing worse. He had made her feel so safe during their partnership, and left out like garbage when he left, and now he was back and she didn't know how to sort her feelings about him.
They had been working, this past year, at re-establishing their relationship. Working on their friendship, on forgiveness. He had met Noah briefly. His undercover with the Brotherhood was behind him. They were moving forward. A few weeks before he had invited her to dinner. He didn't say it, but it was a formal invitation for a date. Something they were inevitably working towards. But she had refused, half out of fear and half out of readiness.
Serving her third glass, she started to feel the wine take effect as her cheeks started to tingle, it took her mind away from the hurt for a moment. She felt exhausted by her emotions of the day. She didn't want to feel this way. Burton Lowe didn't deserve to make her feel this way. She wanted to feel something else, anything else.
Picking up her phone, she dialed rapidly while taking another sip.
"Hey." His tone was jovial, and she felt bad for a second to think her mood was going to taint his.
"Hi." She immediately knew he'd picked up on her frustration.
"Everything okay?"
She gave herself another second to back out, but weather it was the wine or her day, she didn't want to overthink this.
"Is that dinner invitation still on the table?" she was expeditive, didn't care what he thought. She just didn't want to feel like this anymore.
"Of course." He sounded surprised, but curious at the same time.
"Good. Let's do it." She put her empty glass on the counter.
"Yeah?" he asked, just to make sure.
"Yeah."
"Okay." He wasn't sure how to read her through the phone, so he waited.
"Tonight. Let's do dinner tonight." She clarified.
A beat of silence answered her.
"Unless you're busy or something, that's fine. I can think of something else-"
"I'm free." He cut her.
"Good."
He paused.
"What's wrong, Liv?" he asked softly. He knew her so well.
"Nothing. I just want to get out of here. Pick me up in 20?" she rushed.
"I'll be there." He didn't want her to change her mind.
"Good." She hung up.
About 20 minutes later, Elliot knocked on her door. She answered it quickly, letting him in and turning back to her room stating she was missing an earing.
Elliot noticed the bottle of red half empty on the counter. She seemed scattered, rushed. She was seeking distraction and running away from something. He took off his coat and sat down on her couch, waiting for her to get back. When she entered the living room, she felt his calmness, but couldn't deal with it right now.
"Are you ready?"
"We're not going out." He stated, looking up at her.
She looked stunned, standing beside the coffee table.
"What?"
"Not until you tell me what happened."
She exhaled, the frustration coming back full force.
"Nothing."
He smiled, empathically.
"Liv, something's wrong. Talk to me." He was so fucking calm.
"Elliot, I didn't ask you to come here to talk, I wanted to go to dinner. You've been asking me for weeks and when I say yes, you back out?"
She was looking for a fight, but he wasn't falling for it.
"I do want to get dinner with you, but not like this. Not when you're running from something else."
She huffed. There was no convincing him.
"Fine. Then you can go." She turned back to her bedroom.
Elliot gave her a minute before following her. He leaned on the bedroom's doorframe, not wanting to invade her privacy. She was taking her jewelry off.
"Elliot, I don't wanna talk." She stated right away.
"I get that. But I can't let you take up my offer for dinner for the wrong reason, Liv."
She looked at him in the mirror.
"What reason would that be, Detective?"
"To run away. To distract yourself from the pain you're experiencing tonight, for whatever reason." When she didn't reply, he continued. "I want you to come to dinner with me because you want to spend time with me, because you want to be open and talk about anything and everything."
She huffed.
"Anything and everything…" she mumbled, still angry. She turned back to leave the bedroom but when she arrived at the door, Elliot didn't move, blocking her way out. She stood defiantly in front of him. He could see the hurt she was in, even though he didn't understand the cause.
"Anything and everything." He repeated. "How your day went, how Noah is doing, how you like the steak from the restaurant-"
"How you left, what you missed, how you've been running away since you came back." she cut in, her eyes piercing.
It took him aback a bit. She must have really been in deep pain to want to hurt him like this. He stayed calm though.
"Whatever you want. But you need to want to talk, not run away."
She shook her head and pushed past him to go to the kitchen.
She took the bottle and served herself another glass. One of her hands went to the counter supporting herself and the other raised the glass to her lips. She didn't want to feel like this. How did she end up here?
"It was a mistake to call you…" she said, mostly to herself, closing her eyes.
Elliot took a couple of steps towards her. He stopped at her side, close but not in her bubble.
"Tell me." He insisted gently.
He waited a long moment before she exhaled in defeat. Her eyes still closed, she began talking, her voice raw and tired.
"Someone said something to me…something I fought so hard to toss out of my life…but somehow him saying it just…reinforced it."
Elliot frowned, taking in her words, as vague as they were.
"Who hurt you?"
"It doesn't matter." She didn't want to have that conversation now.
She took another sip. There was no point in fighting Elliot, she knew she would end up telling him. The exhaustion of it all suddenly set in.
"He said I was never truly loved…." Her voice cracked a little so she stopped, not able to repeat every word Burton had said.
Elliot took in a breath, trying to keep himself calm and non-judgemental. He wasn't there to focus on that guy, he was there to listen and be there for Olivia. But he couldn't let the comment pass.
"Noah loves you." He tried.
She opened her eyes then and looked at him. She nodded tearily.
"I think he meant romantically…" she clarified.
Elliot knew that, but wanted to start the conversation somewhere. He paused before speaking again.
"I'm sure Ed loved you."
It was risky for him to bring Ed into this. He didn't know how things ended between them but Elliot knew that if Olivia had deeply loved that man like she told him, then Ed would have been an idiot not to love her incommensurably.
"Yeah…" her expression was hard to read.
Olivia's thoughts went to her conversation with Cassidy, when he had told her that she was the love of his life. She knew that he did love her. But true love? Not really…
"I deserve it…" Olivia spoke quietly, mostly to herself. She had worked so hard in therapy to believe it.
Elliot's heart broke seeing her like this. He knew her life history was not based in love and that it had always been an issue for her.
"You really do, Liv." He reinforced.
She looked at him again, tears in her eyes, almost surprised she had said her words out loud and in front of Elliot.
They looked at each other for a long time. Seeking, reading, hoping. But then Olivia shook her head. This wasn't the time to think about them. She had to regain her footing before she slipped too far. She put down her glass and sighed. She felt Elliot take another step towards her, now entering her personal space. He was facing her side, as she was still facing the kitchen counter. When he spoke, it was so soft, she thought the wine had made her imagine it.
"Let me." He pleaded.
Her eyes slowly returned to his. She couldn't believe what he was really saying.
"Let me love you like you deserve." he added the precision.
His blue eyes so open and raw. This was their moment. The moment that would change everything between them.
"'Cause I do." He continued, reinforcing what he was saying. "I love you, Liv. But you gotta let me."
Time seemed to stop. Their faces were so close now. Olivia wanted to believe him. To believe that he could love her, truly love her. That he wouldn't leave ever again. That he was the true love she had been waiting for.
A tear finally escaped her eyes. Elliot moved slowly to erase it with his thumb and his fingers lingered on her cheek. He wanted to kiss her then, desperately. But remembered the wine and the emotional state she was in. This wasn't the time to kiss. This was the time for her to look into his eyes and accept what he was really saying.
And then finally, she released a breath she had been holding for so long. She believed him.
"Okay."
musical-Aven
April 2022