written for redlight (goreswap exchange 2022)
It's after his twentieth failed escape attempt that Zagreus feels like he's not alone in his own body. He can't really explain the strange feeling, and he chalks it up to being resurrected so many times. Maybe getting out of the Styx has some effect on him. But the images of worm-like things burrowed under his skin and crawling around inside him stick with him.
"Ah, the Champions of Elysium got you again!" Hypnos chirps, cheerful as usual, a welcome distraction from his unease. "Have you got my autograph yet?"
"Somehow that wasn't on my mind." Zagreus rubs his arm, chasing away the foreboding feeling
"Well, you know, maybe before he runs you through you should ask Asterius nicely." Hypnos is beaming, and his smile distracts Zagreus. He came to really appreciate Hypnos's well-meaning, albeit sometimes tone-deaf advice, and he did mean when he said he makes getting back from the death nicer.
"Will try to remember it next time, mate. I got you this though," he adds and produces a bottle of nectar.
"Oh, you shouldn't have." Hypnos's face lights up when he takes the gift, and it makes him look more handsome, which is something Zagreus shouldn't focus on, not now anyway.
He knows how bad an idea it is right now to start anything when he wants to get out from here, maybe even permanently. But for some reason, he still can't keep himself to get gifts to people he cares about, and he can't keep himself from making Hypnos smile.
And if he finds it harder to walk away this time, and not get distracted from his goal, if his craving has a sharper, hungrier edge that makes his skin shiver, he tries to pay it no mind. There's nothing wrong with him, he's just tired, that's all, it's nothing a little rest can't fix.
"Something is wrong with me," Zagreus says, his voice sounding wobbly even to his own ears. He didn't want to admit this, to voice it, fearing it would make it real.
It's after one of the Bone Hydra's heads bit into him, tearing flesh and sinew, spraying blood everywhere when he realized it's not a trick of his mind. Thick, black goo ran down on his arm instead of the red blood he was so often mocked for, and vine-like something crawled under his skin, inside his flesh that shouldn't even be there, let alone move.
The shock and horror of seeing that were enough to make Zagreus lose his momentum, and with a flash of its head, the Hydra finished him quickly after that. Zagreus still feels the echoes of phantom pain of all his broken bones.
"I'm so sorry, child," Nyx replies, and all hope of this being a nightmare disappears. "I wished it wouldn't come to this but it seems the Fates were cruel in this matter too."
"You knew?" Zagreus's head starts to spin, as another betrayal, another layer of lies are unraveled in front of him. "You knew about this, whatever this is?"
Nyx casts her eyes down, and her shoulders slump. She's Night Incarnate and she still looks somehow fragile at this moment, like a slight breeze could blow her away.
"I… When you were brought back the first time, I was warned there might be some consequences but nothing seemed amiss not until…" She waves her hand around in the direction where he came from, where the Pool of Styx is.
"You don't really mean…" Zagreus starts, and he feels cold dread creeping upon him.
"I'm afraid so." Nyx sounds apologetic. "Whenever you die and come back, it seems the Night leaves a piece of itself behind. I'd advise against dying again until I can look into this more."
It can't be. This is his only goal, the only thing he needs, to get to his mother, to unravel the secrets behind her leaving him, and it's the only thing he shouldn't do. But if he needs to give up parts of himself, he will. He can't just stop, not when he's so close.
Maybe something of his determination shows on his face because Nyx places a hand on his shoulder.
"Please, child, be careful at least. I'm afraid of what this can do to you or anyone you have deep bonds with." And she shoots a meaningful look somewhere off to the right, making Zagreus's stomach knot in fear.
He thought he was not so obvious, he thought if he joked around enough times he could hide his feelings (whatever they might exactly be) for Hypnos but it seems he can't fool Nyx.
"I… I'll try." That's all Zagreus can manage.
Yes, he'd do anything to get to know the truth about his mother, to get out of the Underworld, but he wouldn't put anyone else in harm's way. He doesn't know why or how Hypnos or anyone else could be in danger apart from him, but in the end, he decides he can stop anytime if he feels he loses control.
He doesn't know how wrong he is.
"You look mighty tired." Hypnos's voice sounds uncertain when Zagreus walks out of Styx, dripping red on the cold stone floor.
"It happens when you tend to die a lot."
Zagreus winces at his own harshness but he still can't stop being snappy, the Other is itching to get out, its impatience sticks to Zagreus like an uncomfortable second skin.
He rushes off to his room, and led by his morbid curiosity, he cuts himself open again. It's a habit he picked up after his first talk with Nyx about his curse.
There's a split second right before the blade kisses his skin and the sharp pain clears his mind when he still hopes that somehow miraculously the curse is broken. But this time, too, black goo bubbles up which is surely not blood, at least not his, and a horrific picture comes to mind. When will there be more of the Other and less of him? When will the time come for the monster to shed him, discarding him like molted skin?
There's a knock at his door, and he reluctantly gets up, making an improvised bandage out of a pillowcase, stopping the bleeding. He drags himself to the door to answer but has no mood for company. He wants to get out-out-out, and for a moment he wonders if the Other inside him feels as suffocated caged between his ribcage, as Zagreus himself between the walls of the House. This unlikely kinship sends a shiver down his spine.
He cracks open his door, and it's Hypnos standing there. Kind, scatter-brained, funny, enticing Hypnos who's so sorely out of this place - a place where everything is hard edges and lingering darkness.
"Sorry to bother you," he says. "I don't want to interrupt your important mission, but you know you really look like someone who could use some rest. Maybe I could help?" Hypnos adds tentatively. "I mean, I am the God of Sleep, if you need help, just let me know."
And seeing Hypnos's worried expression makes him want to reach out, and wipe away the frown from his face. He has a sudden need to feel Hypnos's warm skin next to his, and he has to clench his fist so as not to reach out.
But it seems this is the only invitation he (and the Other) needs because he doesn't even realize it when he reaches out and grabs Hypnos by the lapel of his clothes, drags him inside, then pushes him against the door, closing that in one smooth motion. Hypnos's eyes widen but apart from a surprised squeak, he's not protesting. There's a second where their breaths mingle, and time seems to stretch out, and Zagreus knows that he has a decision to make.
But he chooses to pull Hypnos closer and kiss him deeply, tasting him and feeling his solid warmth next to him. At this moment Zagreus doesn't know where he ends or where the Other begins: he can't differentiate between their wants and needs.
He hears Hypnos's surprised moan and feels him kissing back, while the Other's searching tendrils stretch out from a void inside Zagreus hungry for bloodshed and violence and sharp things.
It's a selfish thought and it suffocates Zagreus with guilt but when he feels the Other reach out, a part of him (is it really him?) is glad to share the darkness stuck within him. In some weird way, he feels it makes a new home in Hypnos as well. Maybe whatever he can get from Hypnos will be enough to satisfy the craving or at least, they will have each other in the darkness.