The school grounds filled with brown and yellow leaves as another winter approached and cold northerly winds made students hold their overcoats tighter.
Felix entered the Great Hall instantly, even after seven years, scanning the whole room for everyone's location and exit points making it look like he was just walking to his seat in the Hufflepuff table.
He saw Uriel and Ariana sitting in one end of the Slytherin table, far away from Anneke and her cohorts on the other side near the Professors' table. Anneke sat emotionless while her sycophants doused her in praises.
Alfred and William sat with their friends in their Houses' tables, but both noticed him entering the Great Hall and waved at him.
Emerick sat in the Ravenclaw table talking to his girlfriend and Claudia sat with Ethel in the Hufflepuff table talking.
Felix sat next to Claudia kissing her, eyeing the Slytherin table.
"She is strangely silent this year, I do not like it", Claudia voiced, looking at what he was gazing.
"Anneke? Surely we possess better ways to pass the time?" Felix replied looking at her.
"Sure, I still don't like it", Claudia humphed.
Anneke heard something coming from her left, her head snapping to the owner of the voice.
A faint smile adorned Felix's lips. "Check", his attention going back to Claudia. "Let me worry and let us focus on merrier subjects."
"Sounds promising, what did you have in mind?" She teased.
"Well I have some ideas for after classes end for the day", he teased back.
"You are a tease, that's what you are."
"Oh, shush you like it."
"Maybe", she blushed a faint crimson with a mouth half full on her crumpet, coffee mug empty next to her hand.
Felix stood leaving behind his semi-full bowl of cereal taking her gently by her free hand.
"I've not finished my breakfast yet", she told him perplexed yet amused.
"You have a mug of coffee, a crumpet and a muffing for breakfast", he conjured a lemon curd muffin offering it to her. "You've already finished the first two, like this you can finish the third on the way to Transfiguration, so we can talk some."
"Oh, you like to talk?" She teased him again.
"Of course, I like hearing your voice", she stood up.
"Thank you, I like my voice as well."
"Cheeky", Felix chuckled.
"Indeed, I do have cheeks."
"Beautiful cheeks, yes", he made eye contact with her, piercing her eyes.
"And I like hearing your voice as well, and how gentle and affectionate you are", she gave his hand a squeeze.
"Ah, good to know, I have some redeeming qualities about me."
"Humpf, don't let it go to your head", she replied smugly exiting the Great Hall with him.
Felix laughed, his shoulder-length hair waving behind him.
"I thought I knew what exhaustion meant but I've never seen anyone as tired as your Quidditch team", three weeks of daily multi-hour training sessions had taken their toll.
"They can take it, we are down to half the amount of games from the last six years, and I don't want anything to go wrong."
"Take care you don't exhaust them too much so that their performance takes a hit."
"Indeed", Felix nodded passively as if Claudia was preaching to the choir.
"Lisa's out for blood, she won't hesitate to exploit tiredness as well, you know that."
"She will, and when she grabs that seemingly tasty irresistible, innocent looking morsel I am going to turn the tables on her and annihilate her."
"This will be her last chance to do much of anything, defeat you or take the Cup for Slytherin", Claudia persisted.
"One girl's drama will most certainly be another House's elation."
"You are definitely feeling more competitive this year…"
"Azrail's gone, the war's over and I realize that everything I've done up to this point has been a form of resisting my family. So, now I find myself constantly doubting and rethinking everything and whether I've doing, wanting, thinking something because I've wanted it as an expression of me or as a means to annoy, enrage and resist my family", Felix paused for a moment. "So far two things in my mind are absolutely certain. I have to redo and rethink everything and decide who I really am and want to be now that certain death is not in my immediate future."
"And the second thing?" Claudia asked, both hopeful and apprehensive.
"You are the only person I'm crystal clear on. I love you and I can't live without you", He told her in a loud, clear voice, in complete apathy of who was near or might be listening.
The answer took Claudia by surprise making her stutter something incomprehensible for a second or two. "I love you too, what about your family?"
"I love them as well, no doubt about it, but not how I love you."
"Yeah…" Claudia clamped up, swallowing.
They took their seats at the front of the Transfiguration classroom, Professor Hudson starting the lesson on Human and cross species transfiguration basics moments after.
It was still stranger, to many, seeing him be this new polite, considerate, and funny Professor, with Norman either in his lap or following him closely.
"It's weird…why is he polite and interesting all of a sudden?" A Gryffindor boy whispered to his mates leaving the classroom after the lesson had finished.
"Because he is no longer tormented by his past trauma", Felix couldn't help but interject.
"And I suppose we have you to thank for that?" A Ravenclaw girl 'accused' him jokingly.
"I might have helped a tad", Felix suppressed a laugh.
"Much more than a little", Ethel mumbled.
"More, or less, it doesn't matter. A bad situation has been remedied", he took Claudia's hand again leaving.
After morning classes were over, he opted for them to go for a walk along the lake shore instead of getting lunch in the Great Hall. The weather had chilled considerably but the plethora of colours from the leaves on the ground along with the sun setting earlier made it for a great romantic spot as they gazed behind them and the castle atop its hill towering protectively above them.
Felix had come to love these small walks with Claudia, just the two of them talking and laughing.
Three classes later they sat in the therapy group with Elisabeth and the others.
This had been the ninth session Ethel had not spoken a single line, Emerick seemed to never stop talking and Uriel did not speak much but was always very emotional when he spoke. Ariana displayed different sides of herself and issues during each session and Claudia was the most restrained of them all, talking without actually saying much.
"I do not know how I'm supposed to feel…" Felix started saying feeling fidgety. "On the one side all the abusive elements of my life have been…removed, I can be happy now, learn not to loathe myself. On the other hand I have this nagging 'voice' in my head telling me of all Azrail's and Cillian's victims and how they must be feeling right about now, their loved ones dead, their lives ruined…how can I not be sad about that?"
"Why must we…you have guilts over Azrail's actions?" Ethel asked, speaking for the first time in a session in three weeks.
"I don't…" Felix was cut off again.
"Yes, you do. We all do, isn't that a big part of why we're doing this? We all have different kind of guilts in different measure", Ethel replied, her voice rising in volume and emotion.
"What do you think you have guilts over, Ethel?" Elisabeth asked her.
"I…I don't know…I guess…" there was a long pause that the others did not dare disturb seeing Ethel finally beginning to open up. "I guess…part of me wishes I could have done more and part…part of me wishes I had never been involved at all in the first place and then I start to think what a horrible person I am, wanting to not have met Felix, not have helped him…and I just get more and more internally violent with each thought."
"Such thoughts are normal, though, in all human beings. Especially when one has fought in a war. Call it survival instinct or what will you, but we all wish we did not have to suffer or participate in something as horrendous as actual warfare."
"What then is hidden behind that guilt? Why do I have those thoughts?" Ethel asked, sorrow takin anger's place.
"Did you lose anyone you cared about?" Elisabeth asked.
"Friends…yes, but not family or anyone that would be part of this group."
"Loss expresses herself in a multitude of ways, unreasonable guilt can be part of it. A lot of times what our minds want to not deal with turns around as guilt."
"So…I'll always have to carry this with me?" Ethel asked again, sorrow turning into fear.
"When you walk, do your feet not always carry your torso and head? Do you feel that a burden?" Elisabeth asked in turn.
"No…? I don't even feel their 'weight'", Ethel had no idea where Elisabeth was heading with this line of inquiry but something in her told her it was not a bad thing.
"Then, perhaps one day you might come to not feel this as a burden either. We all carry the sum of our experiences, but it does not have to be a burden. Not that that transfiguration is easy to achieve mind you."
"Yes, because all other transfiguration is easy….don't you start!" Claudia replied, pointing her right index finger prohibitively at Felix who was all too ready and eager to reply.
Everyone laughed, including Ethel and Elisabeth.
"Well, this was a nice session, folks, we'll pick up in two days' time", Elisabeth told them, uncrossing her knees, and standing up.
"Good evening", Uriel left with Ariana and a nod.
They left the classroom turned therapy room, following Felix down to the dungeons and the dueling club's chamber. A large rectagonal room with an elevated ring that had replaced the more traditional also rectagonal arena. Blue flame torches lit the room.
Professor Jordan sat on the circular, elevated ring with an enchanted quill taking notes of who wanted to participate in this year's Hogwarts' Dueling Tournament.
Alfred had already registered his participation, as had Jason and Gregory Stubornface and several other students from years three to seven.
Anneke was giving her Dueling nickname to Professor Jordan when Felix and the others entered the room.
Felix walked up to Professor Jordan when a sixth year Slytherin girl got in his way. "You? Interested in dueling?" She asked him in a look of disdain.
"Indeed, why not? I think I did pretty well last summer…"
"Never have before."
"I may not have participated before, but I've never missed a single tournament as a spectator, except for year four that I wasn't here."
"I've not seen you as a spectator either."
"You've not seen Outstanding as a mark either, doesn't mean they don't exist", he turned his gaze to Anneke who turned pale and quickly tried to get lost in the crowd, without replying.
Alfred had registered as Avenging Lion, not the most creative of names Felix thought, and Jason as Evocurse with Anneke as ConflictQueen.
Felix could tell everyone's' eyes were on him, but he was no longer affected by it. "Deathbane", he told Professor Jordan who seemed surprised Felix had moved on from year five's Angelbane.
"So registered", Professor Jordan announced in a clear, loud voice.
When everyone interested in participating in the event Professor Jordan stood up on the elevated ring so that everyone could both hear and see him. "The Qualification rounds will be on the first week of December and the finals the week after Christmas break. A more detailed schedule and instructions will be sent out to those participating within the next week", He told them before getting down and leaving.
The chamber started to empty of students all gossiping over those who had decided to participate.
Liam who had gone with his mates to check out who would register found Felix and the others climbing the stairs to the ground floor.
"She seriously just proxied this? I mean…." Ethel was saying.
"Many things she is, ConflictQueen ain't one of them", Felix snickered.
Chapter 6: Strategy's Toll
There was a knot in his stomach and a lump in his throat, Felix could swear he could feel them weighing down in on him as Uriel unleashed in a bitter voice during their latest session. He wasn't even yelling or shouting, just a voice of bitter resentment.
Part of him wanted to hug his friend and another part within was ordering him to take his head off, the two clashing fiercely inside him.
"You're right, in a way I did play us all as pawns on a chessboard, and I do feel awful about that, but I didn't do it for the reasons you're saying", Felix sighed as Uriel wiped the tears from his cheeks. "I was trying to defeat Azrail so none of you would get hurt…or killed. When Charles was murdered I died inside and when I thought my mum had died as well I wanted to…I thought about…I wasn't trying to get people hurt or prove I'm a better strategist from my brother. I was trying to make me the biggest target so that Azrail wouldn't go after any of you and to manage that I had to use you all to whatever degree. There is no question I'd take a killing curse for any of you if I had to…"
"You almost did…" Claudia whispered.
"I didn't mean to accuse you…I just…I hate feeling 'cold' like this, or to feel sick in my stomach for no other reason than having opened my eyes in the morning. I just want to feel good again", Uriel couldn't bear to look up, focusing on his own shoes instead.
"I didn't feel accused. The world of emotions is largely an irrational one, I'm aware…"
"Why do you think you need to excuse your friend's accusation?" Elisabeth asked him.
"I'm not trying to."
"You can be angry at us, we are at you…sometimes", Claudia said aloud, trying to clear her throat from the lump she felt in there.
"And I can be at you at times, but I'm not angry at you right now for this. I'm angry at three people and all three of them are dead. So, I need to move on", Felix replied defensively.
"And if they were alive? What would you say to them?" Elisabeth asked him in her usual pleasant, calm voice.
"Nothing I didn't already and failed. I tried with Cillian on many occasions, and I tried with Azrail last summer", Felix became increasingly stubborn.
"And if they would have listened?"
"We wouldn't be here now would we?" Felix snapped at her. "I'm not trying to be difficult nor to hide my emotions, I just don't see the point of this line of questioning. Do I hate and loathe my father, brother, and sister? Absolutely. Will there always be a small point of me that'll hate me? Probably. Is there anything I can do about them or what's been done? No. I can only work to bring me some semblance of peace of mind so that I can enjoy my life and not be an emotional wreck."
"That's what she's trying to do, you big dumdum, but you are being difficult", Ethel teased him somewhat irritated.
"Not how I'd have put it, but yeah more or less", Elisabeth replied making them laugh.
Twenty minutes later they exited the classroom-turned-therapy-room.
"You okay?" Claudia asked him, trying to make eye contact squeezing his hand.
Felix lost in thought walked a few meters without replying.
"I…I…directly or otherwise I asked each of you to commit actions that no one has any right to even ask. You all have every right to feel as you do, you above everyone else… And I prefer that you know you can express those feelings rather than keep 'em bottled up inside and have them fester. I prefer to have you upset at me for a brief period of time than lose those I most care about."
"I guess so…you started this new chapter…why are you being a closed book in there?"
"I…don't know."
"You're not trying to remember before year seven, are you?" Claudia asked him unexpectedly.
"What? No. How did you make that leap?"
"I don't know, maybe if you can remember you can put it behind you? Reassure you are who you are now because you want to be and not…I don't know."
Felix stopped walking, caressing her cheek. "No, I've seen enough glimpses of what lies beyond that door to both not want to ever open it or need to remember and be at peace with it. And to a large degree I'm also at peace with everything related to my family and my early childhood. What I'm struggling with is if I could have done differently in regard to you all, and that whole survivor's guilt over Charles."
"Then…" she sighed enjoying the feel of his hand on her.
"I don't know, but maybe I need more in-depth, and group may not be providing it for me…I don't know."
"It's killing me there's not much I can do to help you, or the others."
"You can and you are doing plenty just by being there for me, with me", he gave her a warm, gentle smile.
"Okay", she smiled back.
"I've got to go, chess club and Quidditch training after."
"This new more-Gryffindor like competitiveness is getting some used to…but I like it", she gave him a sly smirk before kissing him.
"I'm just discovering who I really am, and what I like. Catch you later love", he kissed her back leaving.
"Love you…" her voice trailed as he sped off towards the Grand Staircase.
There were three aspects to the Chess club he found. One was the socializing and club-internal politics which he cared not for, tutoring by the more experienced players on tactics, moves and strategies, which he most definitely did not care and practicing with the other club members which did pose for amusement for him. There was one thing that was quite certain, it was not peculiar Hogwarts had not won the International Wizarding Schools Chess Tournament in over three decades with the level of chess aptitude he saw with the club members.
There was none of them, Silvester included, who could stand up to the Russian and Chinese schools' champions.
Two hours of playing chest later he stood in the Quidditch pitch barking orders to his team.
A usual Felix training session included a warmup part for around an hour where the team built stamina and body mass running laps, pushups, as well as a slew of other exercises. Then there was another 2 hours of discussing tactics and strategies in the changing rooms followed by two hours of training those moves, tactics and strategies in the field, and a team bonding built up for twenty minutes in the end.
"Steven, something's the matter. What is it?" He called one of his Chasers over, seeing him struggle in threading the needle. Something he usually excelled in.
"I don't know Cap'n, I just feel like I'm playing the wrong position for years now…but I trust you…just think I'd be better as a beater is all…"
"You're doing fine, and you are not far out, there'll be a switch at some point, now get back at it", Felix reassured him. Steven nodded going back to threading the needle against the Quidditch dummies, magically levitated to imitate opposition players.
"For our game against Gryffindor wouldn't the Kilmakock spree suit us best, Captain?" Katya asked him as she was in the habit of doing, asking, and questioning his strategy, trying to see the bigger picture, to assume command and learn from him.
"Not against their beaters, Claudia's not to be underestimated, don't you have a Golden Snitch to find?"
"But it'd put pressure on them, no?"
"Terry Broadwaist isn't stupid, he'll see right through it, reposition his team and then you have no defense. Think not of trying to instantly achieve your goal, your opponent will see it, try going through hoops and confuse them", Felix explained in infinite patience. "See the whole team, both of them. Use all your players not just the Chasers, use the other team against themselves, observe them, discover their weaknesses in and outside of the Quidditch pitch and utilize them to achieve victory."
"Yes, Captain", Katya nodded flying off to find the Golden Snitch.
Five hours of Quidditch practice later Felix sat in the Hufflepuff table, fork in hand, head tilted down when Emerick and Claudia entered the Great Hall chatting and seeing him made their way to him.
"That roast beef piece must be wondering why it's not been eaten yet", Emerick snorted seeing Felix just looking at it.
Felix did not reply or seem to acknowledge their presence. He seemed oblivious to their existence.
"Did you transfigure someone into a roast beef?" Claudia tried to tease him. Felix ignored her keeping his eyes fixated on his fork, mumbling something inaudibly.
"Is he ignoring us or are we missing something?" Emerick turned his head to Claudia, unable to believe that Felix would ignore them like this.
"He's never ignored us once in seven years…" Claudia replied looking serious, her playful demeanor lost her head pivoting around scanning the chamber. "Something's wrong."
"Like what?" Emerick asked trying to understand what Felix was whispering under his breath.
"Don't!" She yelled as Emerick stretched his hand to shake Felix's shoulders. Emerick's hand recoiled as if having been burned by fire.
"What? Why?" He kept his eyes on her, now worried.
"He's mumbling the big bad wolf tune."
"He hates that thing."
"Yes, which makes it into the perfect tune for occlumency. He's under attack", she replied trying to act casual.
"By whom? Why?"
"I don't know, find Professor Jordan, quick!" She whispered in a hushed voice.
Felix's other hand clutched at the table, fingers going white from the pressure. "You are not good at this, but I am", he said to his invisible attacker ten minutes later.
No matter where Claudia turned her eyes nothing and no one looked suspicious, students were either studying or eating dinner, no one she could see had his wand out or was making eye contact with them.
"…you sure you want to go down that path? You've not experienced such pain before…" Felix voiced in a harsh tone. Not two seconds later a sharp yell came from just outside the Great Hall's entrance but when Claudia snapped her head at it she only saw Emerick rushing in followed by Professor Jordan.
"Well, that was fun", Felix rubbed his eyes tilting his neck left and right a couple of times.
"What happened?" Professor Jordan enquired wand drawn.
"Nothing, sir. Someone got the wrong idea about how easy it'd be to go pocking through my mind. I showed them the error of their ways."
"Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?"
"No, sir. I feel just perky. I guess I had underestimated the efficacy of my strategy on the matter."
"Still, I'd like you to follow me to the Hospital Wing, Mr. Burton", Professor Jordan stated in the tone of voice Felix knew he would not be disobeyed from.
"You and your strategies…" Claudia mumbled clearly unhappy as Felix followed Professor Jordan out of the Great Hall, backpack in hand.
"Is anyone else stressed about NEWTs?" Claudia artfully changed the subject. "No, not you sweety", she pocked her tongue out at Felix.
"I'm not!" Liam chirped in. "Felix gave me detailed instructions on how to keep notes and study, by the time I reach year seven and NEWTs I'm not going to need to be stressed", he beamed.
"Yes, yes you will be!" Ethel and Claudia voiced simultaneously making Felix chuckle.