DISCLAIMER: I don't own Code Geass. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this.
(A/N)
Uh, hi?
First of all, I'd like to assure you that I'm still working on Kallen of the Atonement… Okay, no, that's a lie. I'm not working on it at the moment. BUT I intend to resume working on it as soon as I can. I have way too many cool ideas for them to go to waste. In the meantime, I present you the Road of Damnation, a spin-off/prequel of KotA that has finally returned from being lost in the beta for months.
This work is set in the KotA continuity and although it keeps to the canon story, my portrayal of Lelouch here is not 100% in line with my interpretation of his canon self. I deliberately emphasized his connections with Kallen and Suzaku beyond what I believe to be fully in character for him for the purposes of KotA's larger storyline. So, no crying about OOC, please.
The dates are, for the most part, extrapolated/guessed from what I could find on the wiki, without much referencing. If they don't exactly keep to the official timeline, well, the official timeline makes no sense anyway, so I don't feel too bad about it.
I didn't rewatch the show for this, so if some details aren't exactly right, consider it a soft retcon of sorts. This is how things happened in Kallen of the Atonement, canon be damned.
That's it for now, enjoy if you can!
THE ROAD OF DAMNATION
August 3rd, 2017 a.t.b.
My name is Lelouch vi Britannia and I am a murderer.
At around 1800 hours today, I have executed my half-brother, Clovis la Britannia, after forcing him to issue a ceasefire order at gunpoint and interrogating him about the circumstances of my mother's assassination. And though my body and mind rail at what I've done, I have no regrets, for it was merely the first step toward something much greater - the destruction of the Holy Britannian Empire.
While my and Nunnally's exile was a harsh lesson in the nature of the world, it was the invasion that truly opened my eyes to the truth of Britannia. The Empire and peace cannot coexist. Not with people like that man in charge. For as long as his vision survives, Nunnally will never be safe. For years I had no choice but to accept that, but now, with this new power, this "Geass", I can make a difference. The world of kindness that Nunnally dreams of, that Nunnally deserves, can be realized. But first, Britannia must fall, and that won't happen without sacrifices. That's why I became a murderer and that's why I will murder many more times before the end. Nunnally, my dearest sister, forgive me for what I must do.
But even with Geass, I can't change the world alone. I need allies, capable and trustworthy, to oppose the nation that controls a third of the world. I need to become a leader that people will follow without fear. A symbol that inspires them to rise up and fight for their freedom. And that's what I shall become, even if I have to lie to get there.
Let this journal be the chronicle of my revolution.
August 4th, 2017 a.t.b.
The redhead from Shinjuku is my classmate. Who would have thought? Kallen Stadtfeld, that's her name. The heiress of the noble house of Stadtfeld. I've managed to obtain information from her via Geass, but unfortunately, she suspected me as well. What's worse, when I tried to use Geass on her again, it didn't work. Could it be that there is a limit to its use? I need to test that. This Kallen might become a dangerous liability in the future, especially if it turns out I've wasted my only opportunity to use my Geass on her on worthless questions. I hope it won't come to that, though. Knightmare devicers of her caliber don't grow on trees and her cell seems to be a good starting point for my future army.
August 5th, 2017 a.t.b.
Suzaku has been arrested for Clovis' murder. Typical Britannia. They can't find the real killer, so they've found themselves a convenient scapegoat. I can't leave him there, though. He's my friend and I owe him my life. If I'm right, they'll attempt to make an example of him by parading him around before the execution. It will be a perfect opportunity for a rescue operation. I just hope he'll be alright until then. If any of those pureblood bastards lay a finger on him, I'll rip them to shreds.
I've managed to deflect Kallen's suspicions for now, but I don't know how long it'll last. I need to be extra careful with how I interact with her. At least I've managed to initiate contact with her cell. I'll talk to them and see for myself what they're worth. I need pieces on my side if I am to succeed in this game.
August 7th, 2017 a.t.b.
That idiot. I put my life on the line to rescue him and he just goes back to put his head on the chopping block anyway? Does he not care about his own life? About his death would do to Nunnally? To me?
Change Britannia from within? Nonsense. How does he even expect to do that? Even if, by some ridiculous fluke, he managed to attain a position of influence, Britannia would still have power over him. You cannot dictate your terms to someone who has power over you! That's not how power dynamics work! How can he not understand that!?
Doesn't matter. The reality of the Empire will eventually break even the most hopelessly idealistic fool. Sooner or later, Suzaku will come back to me. If he doesn't get himself killed first, that is.
Oh, and the dead girl from Shinjuku has shown up at my house and refuses to answer my questions. What a pain.
August 8th, 2017 a.t.b.
I've done some experimenting with my Geass, with interesting results. The necessity of eye contact and the limitation of one use per person are the biggest obstacles, but now that I know of them, they should be easy enough to overcome.
C.C. is becoming very problematic, very quickly. She does whatever she wants and doesn't seem to care about the trouble she can potentially cause me. She almost ran into Kallen today. I barely managed to avert the crisis this time, but if the situation repeats when I'm not around…
August 10th, 2017 a.t.b.
I can't believe I almost got exposed by a cat. I feel so pathetic. It turned out well, though. I got an opportunity to induct Suzaku into the student council. This should make his time at Ashford less hellish.
August 12th, 2017 a.t.b.
I was overconfident. I knew that despite her relatively young age, Cornelia is one of the most accomplished commanders in Britannia. Yet I ignored C.C.'s warnings and let myself be lured into her trap. It galls me to admit it, but if not for the witch's timely intervention, I would have been captured or killed.
This cannot stand. I will learn from this defeat. I must. It's not only my life that is on the line here but Nunnally's as well. If I die, she'll be left without protection and it'll only be a matter of time before the royal family finds her again. I cannot let that happen.
This battle has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I need an army. Not a terrorist cell or a guerrilla force, but a disciplined, organized army that I can rely on to carry out my orders. But a powerful military needs powerful logistical and technological support. The kind of support that can only be provided by… a country.
They want Japan? Very well. I'll give them Japan and much more. I'll reforge Japan into a nation so mighty that even Britannia will learn to fear its name. This I swear.
August 15th, 2017 a.t.b.
They're safe.
August 29th, 2017 a.t.b.
It turns out that Kallen's mother was among the Refrain users. Poor girl didn't take it well. Ohgi told me that their relationship has been strained. Apparently, Kallen blames herself for the situation. I feel sorry for her; the sight of people high on Refrain, trapped in their own illusory world of memories, is horrific enough on its own. I can't even imagine what it's like to see a loved one in such a state.
I pulled some strings to get the woman admitted into a Britannian hospital. It's the least I can do for Kallen. Her track record has been exemplary so far and, more troublingly, I admit I've grown somewhat fond of her. I need to remember that she's my subordinate. In professional relationships, proper distance has to be maintained.
September 4th, 2017 a.t.b.
Despite what the Black Knights may think, the battle of Narita has NOT been a success. We have eliminated nearly a third of all Britannian soldiers stationed in Area 11 and destroyed a considerable amount of materiel, but those things will soon be replaced by reinforcements from the homeland. Our strategic objective remains unfulfilled and the advantage of surprise we've had at Narita is lost permanently. Cornelia will not underestimate us again and it will only get harder to isolate and capture her. Such an irreplaceable opportunity wasted and all because of that damned white knightmare. The pilot of that machine is at least as good as Kallen and the knightmare itself is 7th generation as well. That does not bode well for us. That thing needs to be eliminated at all costs and soon. I can't afford for it to interfere with Kallen's operations. Her skills are too essential to my plans.
Speaking of Kallen, she performed marvelously in her new Guren Mk. II. It was only thanks to her skills that we've managed to get so close to capturing Cornelia. With her at my side, the conditions for destroying Britannia will be met in no time… provided we get rid of the white knightmare, of course.
Oh, and I heard she killed Orange. Good, his yelling was getting on my nerves.
September 6th, 2017 a.t.b.
I'm such a fool. It crossed my mind more than once to double-check my calculations. To make sure that the landslide hits exactly the way I want to. But no, I, completely possessed by what I can only call arrogance, deemed that unnecessary. The more force, the better, and even if someone gets caught in the crossfire, well, collateral damage happens all the time in war, right?
Now Shirley's father is dead and it's all because of me.
I don't know if Shirley will ever forgive Zero, forgive me. I don't know if she ever should. But I can't stop now. If I did, it would all be for nothing. Nunnally's gentle world would never be realized. I would be just a murderer. So I must not back down. I must keep going down this road until the end, be it redemption or damnation. I must bear this sin and all the further ones, because I'm sure it won't be the last. I must make Nunnally's wish a reality, no matter the cost. It's the only way I can make up for what I've done. And if I'm not forgiven in the end, I will accept that. Nunnally's happiness is worth damning my soul a hundred times over.
September 8th, 2017 a.t.b.
It is said that you don't appreciate what you have until you lose it. With the experiences of these last two days, I'm inclined to agree.
It was supposed to be a simple operation. Use the JLF tanker to bait the Britannians into a trap, blow them up, move in, clean up the survivors, capture Cornelia, win. But of course, the white knightmare had to appear and ruin everything. It managed to destroy my Burai and knock me out before getting intercepted by Kallen. Just before I blacked out, I thought I saw Shirley somewhere behind it…
When I woke up, I was without my mask, there were trails of blood on the concrete and my gun was missing. It didn't take long to confirm that Shirley was there, and she knew that I was Zero. I followed her to Narita, the site of my greatest sin. I don't know what I expected to happen once I got there. I think I was afraid to find out. As it turned out, I wasn't afraid enough.
In the ruins of the village I destroyed, I found Mao waiting for me. The bastard used his mind-reading Geass to set a trap for me, with Shirley as bait, although to what end, I cannot fathom. He told her horrible things, evil things, about me and herself, to get her to shoot me. But she didn't. Even after all I've done to her, she refused to kill me. And when Mao tried to do it himself, she shot him instead. But she missed and he got away, leaving me with Shirley, hurt, broken, and crying. I wanted to help her. I really did. But the trauma that man inflicted on her was beyond my ability to repair and besides, what right did I have to try? After all my actions, my crimes, have put her through?
So I did the only thing I could. I used my Geass to erase her memories. The memories of Zero, of Mao, of shooting that person, whoever it was. She doesn't even remember who I am anymore.
Maybe it's for the best. Shirley should stay as far away from me as possible. Being a part of my life has brought her nothing but pain. This way, at least, she will be safe.
September 9th, 2017 a.t.b.
Mao is dead. Good for him, I suppose. After hearing his story from C.C., I can't help but pity him, even with all he's done to Shirley.
Geass is truly a cruel power. Mao formed his contract with C.C. when he was six years old. His power was too strong for him to control and it drove him insane. Incapable of fulfilling C.C.'s wish, he was abandoned and spent the rest of his life looking for her, which ultimately brought him to his demise at my hands. Is this the fate that awaits me as well? Am I doomed to be consumed by my own power? Is that the price of Geass?
No. That's not going to happen. I shall not allow Geass to rule over me. I shall master it and bend it to my will and use it to bring Nunnally's gentle world to life. And when the time comes, I shall fulfill my contract and make C.C.'s wish come true. This I swear.
September 12th, 2017 a.t.b.
Alright, Mao is dead, for real this time. I've seen the body with my own eyes. He's not coming back. Calm down Lelouch, Nunnally is safe. Really. You're becoming paranoid. Well, more paranoid.
He should have been dead. He was shot by an entire battalion of cops. He should have been dead. But he survived and went after Nunnally. If not for Suzaku's help, she would have died. Mao had her strapped to a bomb and forced me to play chess with him for her life. While reading my mind. I was able to throw him off by using Geass on myself to forget the plan, but it was Suzaku who saved Nunnally today. Without him, it wouldn't be possible. Trustworthy, dependable and protective - he would make for a fine knight. Actually, it's a great idea! As Nunnally's knight, Suzaku would ensure her protection whenever I'm not around. Yes, I need to arrange that.
The information revealed by Mao is disturbing, though. Did Prime Minister Kururugi really die by the hand of his own son? Is that why Suzaku changed so much? A death wish… That would explain why he was so adamant to go back to his court-martial. Idiot. Does he not understand that Nunnally would be devastated if he died? Why would he do that to her? No, I need to convince him that he should live for Nunnally's sake. It is essential.
September 13th, 2017 a.t.b.
Suzaku is the pilot of the white knightmare. All this time, I've been fighting my best friend.
The irony is staggering. A Britannian fighting for Japan and a Japanese fighting for Britannia. Friends becoming bitter enemies. It would make for a gripping TV show if only it wasn't the reality.
Now I don't know what to do. The Black Knights will demand his death and Zero will have no reason not to give it to them. I'm not sure how long I can justify keeping him alive without raising suspicion. Moreover, even though I'm going to do my best to keep him out of harm's way for as long as I can, I can't expect any mercy from him in return. Suzaku has made it very clear that he considers Zero a criminal of the worst kind. No, I'm going to have to kill him eventually… Unless I manage to convince him to switch sides. But how? He's not willing to listen to anything I say. I've tried everything except… No. I don't want to even think that. I shouldn't. That's cruel, even for me.
But I have no choice, do I? I need him by my side. Otherwise one of us is going to die. And if the only way to avoid that is to add one more sin to my tally, then so be it.
September 17th, 2017 a.t.b.
Forgive me, Suzaku, but I had to do it. You would have gotten me and yourself killed and with both of us dead, Nunnally would be left alone. I couldn't let that happen. I hope one day you'll understand.
Schneizel is in Area 11. That's both good and bad. Good, because I can interrogate him about my mother's death. Clovis said he might know who the killer is. Bad, because he's an exceedingly dangerous opponent. He'll probably try to destroy the Black Knights' public support by discrediting Zero. I'm going to need to move very carefully from now on.
Euphie knows my identity. I'm still not sure how much of an issue that is. She hasn't told anyone yet, but if she tells Suzaku, he might inform Cornelia, or worse, Schneizel. Not to mention it would most likely ruin our friendship. So maybe she won't do it… I don't know.
Then there's the matter of the Chinese invasion. I doubt they're going to try again soon after the beating Suzaku and I gave them, but it's something I need to take steps to prevent in the future. The last thing we need is an attack by the Chinese Federation or the EU while we're still recovering after liberating Japan.
September 20th, 2017 a.t.b.
The Special Administrative Zone of Japan. What a simple name for something so monumental. Something so destructive to my plans.
It truly is a masterstroke. If the SAZ becomes reality, the people will turn away from us. If we join, we'll be forced to disarm and dissolve. If we don't, we'll lose all support. Either way, the Black Knights will be finished. I sense Schneizel's hand in this. Euphie could have never pushed such an extraordinary idea through on her own. Not without someone powerful backing her.
What should I do? All paths before me seem to lead to a disaster. I have to figure something out before the SAZ becomes the end of the Black Knights.
September 28th, 2017 a.t.b.
The SAZ opening ceremony is tomorrow, and I have a plan. I don't like it, using Euphie like that, but it's the only option I have. Tomorrow, Euphemia li Britannia will be discredited and the war for liberation will continue.
May 14th, 2018 a.t.b.
It's been two days since my memories returned. I have no idea how C.C. managed to preserve this journal, but I'm grateful. It's a piece of my old life that man failed to destroy. I haven't been able to write earlier due to being under constant surveillance, though. Rolo was suspicious of me after Zero's Resurrection, but it seems that I've managed to placate his doubts for now.
It's been two days since I have been freed from the false life the Emperor's Geass imposed on me. Since I realized that my comfortable life at Ashford has been nothing but a cage to keep me contained. Even the Student Council's memories have been altered to reinforce the charade. Nunnally's been completely forgotten, replaced by that wretch Rolo. An illusion to make me that man's tool. But even that false existence, hollow, deprived of everything that makes me myself, was almost better than remembering.
No matter how I try to forget, my mind keeps coming back to that day, to the events now known as the Black Rebellion. I remember it all like yesterday, the screams, the carnage that rivaled the horrors of the invasion, the panicked pleas of people, crawling up to me, begging for salvation, not knowing that I was the cause of it all…
I didn't help them. How could I? I'm the one to blame for that nightmare. It wasn't my intention, but that does not excuse me. It was my mouth that uttered the words, my eye that twisted Euphemia into a murderer. I am no messiah. Just a terrorist. A cold-blooded killer. Suzaku was right. I am the villain.
But although Lelouch vi Britannia may be a villain, Zero must be seen as a hero. So I did what I do best. I lied and lied and lied until my heart couldn't take it anymore and broke into a thousand pieces. And then I lied some more for good measure. And it worked. All of Japan rose up against Britannia. We moved forward like an unstoppable tide, smashing everything in our way. Was that what I wanted? To destroy everything that stands in my way, leaving only rubble and corpses? I don't know anymore.
That's all in the past, though. What's done is done. It's no use to dwell on it now.
Kallen came back for me. After she abandoned me on Kamine Island, I didn't think I'd see her again. But she came back. Her dedication to the cause is truly unparalleled. She wanted to know if I used Geass to make her loyal to me. What a silly question. It's clear as day that this is no magic trick. It is her love for Japan that binds her to me stronger than any Geass.
Right now, I am back, Zero is back, and my revolution begins once again. Britannia still controls the world. The Japanese still suffer. Suzaku betrayed me. Nunnally is in the Emperor's hands. I mustn't back down. I must go forward, for the sake of those who died by my hand, as well as those still living. For Euphie and for Nunnally, I can't let anything stand in my way.
I continue to fight.
May 15th, 2018 a.t.b.
The Black Knights have been freed. There are not many of us left, but with the support of the Chinese Federation, we can start rebuilding. However, they are starting to question my leadership. I had to tell them that my departure during the Black Rebellion was necessary for the victory over Britannia. It's true, after a fashion; with Nunnally in the Empire's hands, the Emperor possesses a great deal of leverage over Zero. I doubt the Black Knights would see it that way, though. They must never know what really happened. I am already risking enough with Kallen knowing my identity.
I can't believe I have to explain myself to my subordinates. I don't have time for that! I should be working on plans to obliterate Britannia!
Rolo will stand with me from now on. All it took to break his loyalty to Britannia was a few well-crafted lies and an engineered rescue. With his Geass and assassin training, he will be my tool for getting Nunnally back. A fitting payback for daring to take her place, I'd say.
Villetta, on the other hand, continues to be a nuisance. I have already used my Geass on her, so I can't do it again. Killing her is out of the question too; it would only alert the OSI to the fact that I've regained my memories. I can continue to work as Zero as long as Britannia believes that it's somebody else under the mask. If I'm exposed, that man will use Nunnally to punish me. And with Villetta watching my every move… It is imperative that I find a way to neutralize her without causing suspicion.
May 16th, 2018 a.t.b.
Suzaku is back. After becoming the Knight of Seven in exchange for selling me out to the Emperor, he left Area 11 for the homeland. It seems that Zero's return brought his attention back to the land of his birth. He came back to hunt me down, I am certain of it. But he can't do anything as long as he doesn't have proof that I am Zero. I suppose his stubborn insistence on following the rules has some upsides as well. Still, the game has just gotten a lot more dangerous.
He's not alone. He brought two other Knights of the Round with him - the Knight of Three, Gino Weinberg, and the Knight of Six, Anya Alstreim. With their appearance, the battles ahead are going to get much harder. There's something peculiar about that Alstreim girl, but I can't quite put a finger on it.
May 19th, 2018 a.t.b.
Nunnally doesn't know. Nunnally doesn't know. Nunnally doesn't know. Nunnally doesn't know.
Suzaku lied to her. He didn't tell her where I am, what's going on with me. He didn't tell her that I'm a prisoner. He didn't tell her that she is a prisoner. He only let her contact me to expose me. He used her.
Nunnally doesn't know.
How could you do this, Suzaku? I trusted you to at least keep Nunnally safe, not let her become a tool for Britannia. But she's become your tool instead. You've used the person I love the most as a weapon against me. When have you become so cruel, Suzaku? You talked about changing Britannia from within, but in the end, you've become just like them.
She's being moved to Area 11. The Black Knights will intercept the transport. No matter what happens, Nunnally must be secured.
May 21st, 2018 a.t.b.
Congratulations, father, you have almost managed to break me. But you didn't go quite far enough. I admit that Nunnally's rejection shook me to the core. But I've been reminded of what this is really about. It may not be what I imagined when I started, but I've chosen to take this responsibility upon myself and I must see it through to the bitter end.
Yes, it's not just about Nunnally anymore. I may have started my fight for her, but it's become so much more. I must create a world where all my friends can be happy. A world where Shirley doesn't have to lose anyone else. Where Milly isn't forced to marry for political gain. Where Kallen doesn't have to hide her real self. Where Suzaku doesn't have to fight his own people. Where we can all go to school and live normal lives together, without worrying about wars and terrorists and hate and corruption and oppression. That is the world I desire and I will make it real with my own bloodstained hands if necessary.
If Nunnally wishes to be my enemy, so be it. But I will not fight her. I already have a plan that will shatter her naive idea of reviving the SAZ and garner more support for the Black Knights in the process. If everything goes well, she'll cease being a threat for a while, which suits me well enough. For her, Milly, Shirley, Nina, Rivalz, Suzaku and Kallen, I shall not let anything stand in my way.
May 24th, 2018 a.t.b.
It worked. A ship with a million Japanese on board is heading towards the Chinese Federation. China promised support, but it's hard to say how far it's going to extend. Kaguya told me the High Eunuchs are conducting negotiations with Britannia. We need to be wary. They might turn on us the moment an opportunity presents itself.
May 26th, 2018 a.t.b.
The marriage between the Tianzi and Odysseus must not come to pass. Britannia gaining a foothold in China would spell doom to not only the Black Knights and the Federation itself, but the entire world. With the Empire in control of the second-largest superpower, there would be no force on the planet capable of stopping them. I mustn't allow it. Zero mustn't allow it.
I can hardly believe the Eunuchs would betray their people like that. Their greed knows no bounds. They're even worse than Britannia. In order to secure China's support for our cause, they must be destroyed. I'm certain Xingke has his own plans to disrupt the wedding. It seems that I'm going to have to work around him. If he succeeds, there's no guarantee that his new regime will back the Black Knights. We need their backing. Zero must be the one to save the Chinese Federation.
I've managed to avoid having to show Schneizel my face, but his presence here still complicates matters. He's the one behind the wedding, I'm sure of it. It's just like him to take over a country with diplomacy. We must move quickly before he has the chance to counter my strategy.
May 28th, 2018 a.t.b.
They've got Kallen.
I don't know how it happened. She must have gone into the battlefield without her energy filler fully charged. Why would she do that? Doesn't matter. She's in Britannian hands now. She's a prisoner.
I was too late. Despite all my efforts, my forces couldn't reach her in time. She was transferred and sent away before I could rescue her. Damn it. She must be back in Area 11 by now, guarded by the elite of Britannian forces. She's there all alone, surrounded by enemies, completely at their mercy. Suzaku is probably with her. Will he hurt her to get back at me? No, I don't think he will. Still…
China will support the Black Knights. The groundwork for an international alliance against Britannia has been laid. But was it worth the loss of our Ace? I can't help but wonder…
Hang on there, Kallen, and have no fear. I will get you out if it's the last thing I do. This I swear.
May 31st, 2018 a.t.b.
Damn it, Milly. Was putting me through this ordeal really necessary? I thought spending some time at school would allow me to make some plans to deal with the Knights of the Round and maybe find out where Kallen is being kept, but now I have a girlfriend to worry about!
It's not that I don't like Shirley. It's just… I can't. I am Zero. I killed her father. She doesn't remember it, but I do. This is wrong. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve her. I've already hurt her once. Staying close to me will only hurt her more.
Tomorrow I'll try to find a way to end this.
June 1st, 2018 a.t.b.
What a wretched existence I have become.
I am Zero, damn it. I lead the largest anti-Britannian force in the world. I command armies that crush the forces of the greatest empire on the planet. I possess the power to bend others to my will. And yet, for all my intellect, my powers and my followers, I couldn't save a single person.
I'm so sorry, Shirley. For everything. I wish I could turn back time and prevent this from happening. But I can't. No one can. The only option is to move forward, even when there's no hope.
Geass. Everything always comes back to this cursed power. It killed Euphie, and now it killed Shirley as well. I rue the day I accepted it in my life. Surely it would have been better had I died back then in the ghetto. At least Shirley and Euphie would still be alive. But that too is in the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. However…
The headquarters of the Geass Order is located in the Chinese Federation, I'm certain of it. With Jeremiah's help, locating it shouldn't be too difficult.
Oh, yeah, Orange is back. Again. This is getting ridiculous. At least he's on my side this time. Turns out he has some unrequited loyalty to my mother or something. Regardless, his Geass Canceler will make him a useful piece for my cause.
I'm going to find the Geass Order and crush it, erase it from the face of the Earth. It will be a blow for Britannia, and besides, the world hardly needs that many Geass users, does it? And Rolo… Rolo will get what's coming for him when the time comes.
June 3rd, 2018 a.t.b.
She's gone.
We've descended on the Geass Order like a pack of hellhounds. No mercy was offered. Everyone in the facility was guilty of toying with the power of Geass, destroying countless lives in the process. A most dire crime indeed; I know it well, for I have committed it myself. But it's not the time for me to pay the price. Not yet.
There, in a strange place called C's World, I confronted the Emperor and found out about his immortality. I have also learned the truth about C.C.'s origins, as well as her wish. She has been through so much pain. I couldn't let that man have her. I was able to escape with her, but when we got back to reality, she didn't recognize me. She has lost her memories. She's gone.
Why? Is it because of something I did? Am I responsible for this? Why? Why does this keep happening? Euphemia, Shirley, and now, C.C. Am I doomed to destroy everything I hold dear? Is this the true price of Geass?
She only wanted to be loved.
June 4th, 2018 a.t.b.
We did it. Thanks to Kaguya's invaluable input, the United Federation of Nations has officially come into existence. We now have the international backing necessary to truly retake Japan. And then we'll free another colony, and then another, and another, until Britannia crumbles and a new, gentler world arises from its ashes.
I just… I wish Kallen was here. It's a historical event. She deserves to be able to see it with her own eyes.
Soon. My sources confirm that she's being kept in the Government Bureau of the Tokyo Settlement. Soon, I'll have both her and Nunnally back with me. It's only a matter of time.
June 7th, 2018 a.t.b.
Everything is ready. Tomorrow, we strike at the Settlement. There's only one more thing to take care of. Suzaku has agreed to meet. He may hate me, but he cares about Nunnally. I have to put my faith in him once again. There's no one else I can trust with this.
July 2nd, 2018 a.t.b.
I'm going to be emperor. Sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? I, who despise the throne and what it represents the most of all, am going to sit on it. If somebody had told me that a month ago, I would have laughed them in the face. But this is no joke. It's the only way forward I have left.
I haven't had the time to write before due to the preparations for the coup. So much has happened since the last entry. Once again, I have C.C. to thank for recovering this journal from the Ikaruga. I have no idea how she did this, but I'm grateful. I am amazed that she thought of it during all the turmoil. My memories of some of the events have since become blurred, but I'll try to recount them to the best of my ability.
Suzaku swears that he had no idea about the ambush, and in hindsight, I am inclined to believe him. It's just not something Suzaku would do. At the time, however, I was far too angry to think that. How could he do that to me? I only wanted him to protect Nunnally, nothing more. And after all that talk about redemption, he dared to spring a trap on me? So when he came at me raving about some weapon of mass destruction the Lancelot was supposedly armed with, of course I didn't believe him. Such a weapon couldn't exist, and even if it did, nobody would give it to Suzaku. It had to be a bluff.
Well, it wasn't. A sphere of pink light swallowed up half of Tokyo, erasing it from existence along with millions of its inhabitants. And among them, Nunnally.
I don't even remember how I got back to the Ikaruga. Kallen must have dragged me there. I vaguely recall lashing out at Rolo, yelling at him about how I hated him. It was stupid of me to do that, but I didn't care. Nunnally was gone and life wasn't worth living anymore.
What was I thinking when Kallen came to tell me that Ohgi requested my presence somewhere? I have no idea. I guess I just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible and go back to wallowing in despair. I didn't expect to be greeted by gun barrels, though. I don't know what Schneizel told the Black Knights. Maybe even the truth. It certainly is horrible enough. It didn't matter, though. That moment I remember vividly. It was only me, Kallen, and a wall of guns with no way out in sight. She pleaded with them to stop and listen to reason, but they were clearly having none of it. They were ready to kill her just because she was in the way.
So I did the unthinkable. I sacrificed the king to save the queen. If not for Rolo's intervention, I would have died for sure. Why did you do that, Rolo? Did you really believe my lies, all the way until the end? It's strange; I wanted you gone so badly, but now that you are, I don't seem to feel any satisfaction… I've been a terrible brother, haven't I?
Farewell, Q-1. Next time we meet, it will be as enemies. I know this isn't what you wanted, but it's better for you this way. This road I'm taking isn't for you to tread, and if you are to lay down your life for another, it should be someone worth protecting, not a scoundrel like me. I only hope that one day you'll understand why it has to be this way.
After escaping from the Ikaruga, I followed the Emperor to Kamine Island. I didn't know what I'd find there, and I didn't care. My revenge was all I had left and there was no reason to hold back anymore. I would find the truth and end it once and for all. Or at least, that's what I thought.
It was a lie. All of it, from the very beginning. My exile, the war against Britannia, everything. Mother didn't really die. She used her Geass to stay alive. She knew everything, she knew what happened to me and Nunnally, and she pretended to be dead for all those years, knowing how it hurt us, never trying to help us or even let us know that she was still alive. Not once. She abandoned us, just like father. She BETRAYED us.
They kept working with V.V. to implement their great scheme, their "Ragnarök Connection". A plan to erase the boundary between life and death and destroy the concept of identity, trapping all of humanity in its own shared mind, forever. A false life in an unchanging world. A travesty. I can hardly believe it. That's what Nunnally was blinded and crippled for!? Their own daughter!? HOW COULD THEY!?
But of course they could. Obviously, they cared more about forcing their delusion on everyone than the fate of their own children. So I destroyed them. They are no more, and their madness has perished with them. Still, that confrontation made me realize something.
Nunnally may be dead, but her dream lives on. That's why I must become emperor. I can no longer see another path before me. This world deserves a future, and death is a paltry price to pay for that. No, it's not a price at all. After all, my life is no longer worth anything.
July 8th, 2018 a.t.b.
Everything is ready. Tomorrow at this hour, Britannia will be mine. I need its resources to use against Schneizel. It's obvious now that he's going to be my final opponent in this game. He's planning something big. I don't know what, but he mustn't win.
July 19th, 2018 a.t.b.
The conference with the UFN begins tomorrow. The plan is ready to proceed to the next phase. Once I do this, there'll be no turning back.
The takeover of the UFN is just the beginning. The legend of Lelouch the Demon must rise much, much higher before this all ends. Yes, in order to purge the world of hate, I must become hate itself. Millions will drown in the rivers of blood spilled in my name, and entire countries will burn until not a soul remains on this Earth that wouldn't curse the name of Lelouch vi Britannia. I will take all the world's sins and make them my own, and once the blame for all evil rests on my shoulders, Zero will return to slay the Demon once and for all. And then, at last, there will be peace.
I know I won't be forgiven for what I'm about to do, and I accept that. The future is worth damning my soul a thousand times over.
C.C., I know you're reading this. After we're done, I want you to burn this journal. No one must know the truth of Zero Requiem.
July 22nd, 2018 a.t.b.
My worst suspicions have proven correct. Schneizel has obtained all of the F.L.E.I.J.A. warheads, as well as a platform to launch them from. With it, he can control the entire world with fear. Pendragon was only a demonstration. I know how he thinks; he won't hesitate to destroy anyone he deems a threat, no matter how insignificant. And he has the gall to do it under Nunnally's banner!
It is obvious now that it was Schneizel who was behind my sister's survival. However, I cannot bring myself to feel gratitude. She's my enemy now. My sweet, kind Nunnally, whom I love more than anything in the world, for whom I sacrificed everything I ever had, goes into battle just to see me dead. And the worst part is, it doesn't even matter. Suzaku is right; in the end
"Why do I have to write this again?" Lelouch asked, laying down his pen.
"Because it helps you clear your mind, and your mind needs to be in top shape for the battle ahead," C.C. replied, lounging lazily on the sofa, reaching for another slice of pizza. "That's what you've told me, anyway."
The royal quarters of the Avalon, where the 99th Emperor of Britannia currently resided, were spacious and opulently decorated, as befitting the position of their inhabitant. Lelouch didn't care much for grandeur, save what he could use for his purposes, but that didn't mean he wasn't annoyed by C.C. leaving crumbs all over the place. He gave her an aggravated look, which failed miserably to have any noticeable effect on her.
"Something troubles you," the witch stated flatly.
"What? No way. What do I have to worry about? I'm only about to face the most accomplished strategist alive, with all but one of the best knightmare devicers on his side, and all the bloody F.L.E.I.J.A.s on top of that! In a battle with the fate of the entire world at stake! What could POSSIBLY trouble me in this situation!?"
"It's about Nunnally, isn't it?"
At that, Lelouch visibly deflated. "One way or another, I'm going to have to face her. Possibly even kill her."
"And yet, you persevere."
"Of course I do. I have no choice. I've gone too far to stop now. Still, I fear that it won't be enough. Can I really do it? What if I hesitate at a critical moment? What if I'm not strong enough?"
"You are, and you won't."
"How can you know that?"
"Because it is necessary. You know that, and that's why you won't hesitate. Because the alternative would be to give up on your purpose in this world. To admit that it cannot be changed. And that's something you would never do."
"You really are heartless, aren't you?"
She smirked. "Of course. I am a witch, after all."
"Of course."
"There's something else, isn't there?"
Lelouch sighed. He hated how C.C. could see through him so easily. "It's Kallen. She... She kissed me."
"Did you kiss her back?"
"What? No, of course not."
"Then I fail to see the issue."
"It's just… I can't stop thinking back to that moment, and…"
"And?"
"It's distracting."
"If you miss her so much, why didn't you take her with you?"
The Emperor's features contorted into an expression of shock and aggravation. "You know I can't!"
"Yes, you can. The girl is head over heels with you. You could have her wrapped around your finger in a moment, if only you wanted. So why don't you?"
"You know why!"
"Tell me anyway."
Lelouch let out an exasperated sigh. "When I asked Suzaku to be my Knight of Zero, we both knew what it entailed. He's going to have to sacrifice his future and forever live under the mask of Zero, never to be his own person again. I could ask that from him, and he could accept it, because he has nowhere else to turn to, no home to go back to. Just like you. Just like me." He took a deep breath before continuing. "Kallen is different. She has family, friends, hopes and dreams, and I can't take that away from her just because I wish she was here with me. Or rather, I refuse to do it. Kallen deserves to be happy."
"And you believe your suicide will give her that?"
He looked her squarely in the eyes. "Yes."
"You love her, don't you?"
"What? No! No, I don't! I don't-" Lelouch sputtered, taken aback. And yet, something about C.C.'s tone made him stop and think about it. Did he love Kallen? He never put much thought into romance. His situation as a prince in hiding, and later as Zero, didn't allow for such luxury. Yet he couldn't deny that he had grown attached to the redheaded ace pilot, more than he was comfortable with admitting. Was that love?
What am I to you? The question once asked resounded in his head. He could feel the answer just out of reach. So tantalizing. So terrifying. "I don't know! Maybe! What do you care, anyway!?"
"I don't. But you do, and I have a vested interest in keeping you alive for as long as possible. So?"
"Well, it's too late to do anything about that now, isn't it?"
The witch gave him a long, measured look. "Yes, I suppose it is," she replied quietly.
An uncomfortable silence lasted for a few minutes until C.C. got up from the sofa. "Well, if that's all, I'll go get some more pizza!"
"Just don't make too much of a mess."
She gave him a smug smile. "No promises."
After she left, Lelouch slumped in his seat. He would never admit it to C.C., but the talk did make him feel a little better. He knew what he had to do. Kallen deserved to be happy. Therefore, he had to win. For her sake, he would prevail.
He picked up his pen and went back to writing.
(A/N)
Well, if you've read Kallen of the Atonement, you know how that's going to go.
I'm not quite sure what the purpose of this story is. Sure, it sets up Lelouch's journal, which will be relevant later, but that's not strictly necessary. I guess the initial idea was to explore why Kallen was excluded from Zero Requiem, despite the obvious benefits to her involvement. In short, she wasn't broken enough. Now, let us rectify that, shall we? *grins madly*
Did Lelouch love Kallen in canon? I don't know. Maybe. The wiki says he did, but the wiki says several highly dubious things and contradicts itself occasionally. It is certainly possible that he did indeed love Kallen. But it's also possible that he loved Shirley. Or C.C. Or none of them. Or all of them. There's enough evidence for each of them to make a claim, but not enough to outright confirm anything (Re;surrection is garbage and doesn't count). And you know what? I kinda like the ambiguity. Everyone is free to make their own interpretations and everyone can be equally disappointed in the end.
Keep in mind that this story is written purely from Lelouch's perspective and as such is inherently biased in his favor. While he's as truthful here as someone like him can possibly be, the things omitted can be just as important as those mentioned.
I think that'd be all. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed my work. Many thanks to my beta, who'd like to remain anonymous for now. Remember, feedback helps.
See you next time I write something, hopefully the next chapter of KotA!
RanVor out.