James Bond and all related films belong to Ian Fleming
John Wick and all related films belong to Chad Stahelski
All soundtracks belong to their respective owners
OCs belong to me
(Invader - Jim Johnston)
Sara: Espionage. Whether it be quietly carrying out missions or killing anyone and everything, these two combatants do anything and everything to uphold their titles.
Vanessa: And wear badass suits while doing it! Like James Bond, Agent 007.
Sara: And John Wick, The Baba Yaga.
Vanessa: She's Sara and I'm Vanessa.
Sara: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find who would win... a DEATH BATTLE.
James Bond spies DEATH BATTLE
(Skyfall - Adele)
Sara: Deep within the United Kingdom lies an organization that has provided intelligence regarding foreign policies for the British government for hundreds of years. That organization's name is the "Secret Intelligence Service", otherwise known as MI6, or Military Intelligence, Section 6.
Vanessa: MI6 used their most experienced and disciplined secret agents to stop anyone attempting to get in their way or cause an apparent threat to the world itself.
Sara: And the Senior Operational Officer of the 00 branch was used for their most dire situations, and his name... was Bond. James Bond.
Vanessa: Despite his high-profile job, Bond started out with a relatively normal life. He was born on April 13th, 1968 to Andrew and Monique Bond, though they later tragically died in a climbing accident.
Sara: Oh boy, is this going where I think this is going?
Vanessa: From that point on, James was tutored at his family estate, eventually attending Naval College at the age of 17. He then joined the Royal Navy and finally became a member of MI6 via the British Secret Service.
Sara: He served in many different intelligence operations before gaining the Double O rank, becoming the secret agent we know today. Along with a new codename! 007, James Bond.
Vanessa: Throughout Bond's career, he's picked up many skills along the way, and utilized them to the best of his ability.
James Bond
Expert Martial Artist
Skilled Swordsman
Expert Marksman
Brilliant Strategist
Understands and speaks French, German, Italian, Japanese, Danish, Russian, and several other languages
Really good in multiple fields of science
Can drive or pilot almost any vehicle
Excellent knowledge of history and politics
A decent cook
Fairly athletic
There is very little he cannot do
Great with the ladies
Walther PPK
Beretta 418
Walther P5
Walther P99
Heckler and Koch UMP-9
HK-416 Assault Rifle
500 Nitro Express hunting rifle
Savage Model 99
Winchester .308 target rifle
Golden Gun (Can shoot through most armor)
Geiger counter
Booby trapped attached case
Homing beacon
Jetpack
Gyroplane
Minox Camera
Polarizing Sunglasses
Ring Camera
Tear gas
Garrote watch
Wetsuit
Underwater jetpack
Skyhook
Mini-rocket Cigarette
Japanese Prosthetics
Fake Fingerprint
Cigarette Gun
Flamethrower Spray Can
Fake Nipple
Wrist Dart Gun
Flare Gun
Ghetto Blaster
Vanessa: What can't this guy do? He's a skilled marksman, knows almost every martial art style you can think of, speak many different languages, gamble like no tomorrow, sneak past people without them even hearing the wind blow. He's basically got everything!
Sara: He also uses a wide variety of gadgets, such as a tracking device, tear gas, poison tranquilizer darts, and even a watch with a ton of different uses. It can shoot lasers, act as a magnet, and even emit sonic rays that can shatter bulletproof glass.
Vanessa: But who needs all that when you've got your two best friends in the whole world: your fists! James is known for using a variety of different martial arts, but his go-to is Krav Maga, which combines kickboxing, karate, wrestling and street fighting!
Sara: Being a talented shooter, Bond can also use a wide variety of weapons, from pistols, rifles, launchers and other heavy weaponry. However, his most prized possession and the deadliest weapon he can use is the Golden Gun, a powerful handgun that fires 23 karat gold bullets that can kill nearly anything in a single shot.
Vanessa: That looks so cool. Why can't dad get me one of those?
Sara: Vanessa, you do realize we can fire ki blasts more powerful than mere bullets, right?
Vanessa: Who cares?! That pistol looks so fucjing cool! Imagine how I would look as a Super Saiyan with a gun.
Sara:... *sighs* I can see why Adam forbade you from watching action movies anymore.
Vanessa: *Ignores Sara* Aaaaaaaanyways, Bond has been given an incalculable number of gadgets throughout his films, ranging from exploding pens, fake skin, cigarette guns, grenade watches, and a whole load more.
Sara: But his most famous gadget is the cars that he is provided with, and they also have a variety of gadgets built in. When gadgets are out of the question, though, he favors his trademark Walther PPK 9mm pistol, which he carries in every single film and book.
Feats
Regularly takes on armies of mercenaries or criminals with only his suit and weapon on hand and always comes out unscathed
Survived a heart attack
Fought a motherf***ing Giant Squid
Rarely loses a game of poker, even while drunk
Outsmarted and took down Francisco Scaramanga, the best assassin in the world
Singlehandedly destroyed SPECTRE headquarters
Claims to never miss with his Beretta
Barely comes out on top against the physically superior Spectre assassin Mr. Hinx
Survived accidentally being shot by a sniper, falling off the top of a speeding train, and down what appears to be more than a hundred feet into the waters below
Fast enough of a quickdraw to take out Vargas with a Harpoon Gun
Kills a sniper with a shotgun
Regularly performs death-defying stunts
Defeats Alec Trevelyan, a rogue 00 Agent who is equal to Bond in every way
Casually arms a bomb while being fired upon by machine guns
Survived being electrocuted, poisoned, lit on fire, having his groin flogged with a carpet beater, stomped on with football boots, shot with his own Beretta, tortured, and many nasty falls
Has always outsmarted the main villain of each one of his movies in some shape or form
Fights secretive criminal syndicates and saves the world in the process on a daily basis
One of the most iconic characters in fictional history
Sara: With all of this, James remains MI6's most deadly agent yet. With over 400+ confirmed kills, he's been able to take down many criminal syndicates often on his own on a regular basis, as well as tango with expert assassin's and agents such as Oddjob, Jaws, Red Grant and even former MI6 agents such as Alec Trevelyan and Raoul Silva.
Vanessa: He killed a sniper with a shotgun, disarmed a bomb while being fired at, survived being electrocuted, poisoned, and lit on fire, and was even shot by a sniper on accident, fell hundreds of feet into the water below from a train, and got up later on like it was nothing.
Sara: He's managed to tango with and defeat some pretty impressive agents and foes, and has saved the world an unprecedented amount of times.
Vanessa: He has been shot in the heart whilst standing on top of a train, fallen off the train, into a river hundreds of feet beneath him, and gone down a waterfall and into a series of rapids and survived. This guy is so freaking determined, he will smash his body through a thick wall, jump off a cliff, dodge bullets, and have sex with one chick after another. Ugh, that sounds like something Randy would do.
Weaknesses
Depends too much on his gadgets
Is a huge Alcoholic
Has a fatal weakness for women and can be exploited
Is still only human
Has a habit of crashing any vehicle he gets into
Most of his gadgets won't be useful in a fight
Doesn't have any armor
Lacks any superhuman strength
He has been shown on many occasions to be unable to defeat a physically imposing individual without outside help
Is married to the job
Is a bit hot tempered
Can at times be very arrogant and overconfident
When captured, dependent on villains letting him live long enough to escape
Sara: However, James isn't perfect, and is still very much human, so it's safe to assume he can still die from natural means. He's also a heavy alcoholic and can let the charm of a woman distract him from his mission. Heh, simp.
Vanessa: James Bond also hasn't had the best luck when utilizing stealth, often getting captured when infiltrating an enemy base. And just by his dumb luck, Bond' enemies are so stupid that they often let him live long enough to escape instead of killing him when they have the chance.
Sara: But even with all that, James Bond is a legend.
Mr. White, who was shot behind his left knee, looks up at the British agent as Bond puts his phone away and looks down at him.
Bond: The name's Bond... James Bond.
John Wick seeks revenge in DEATH BATTLE
(Baba Yaga - Tyler Bates and Joel Richard)
Sara: When it came to underground mob hitmen, there were none better than the Russian Crime Syndicate's own Baba Yaga, otherwise known as John Wick.
Vanessa: Oh man, I'm excited! Wick's one of the most badass action movie characters out there! I mean, this dude killed a guy with a pencil! A FUCKING PENCIL! Who does that?!
Sara: Hold your horses there, cowgirl. We'll get to that later. But while John might be seen as the grueling badass we know today, John hardly even wants to do it. He originally wanted to leave the assassination business to marry his one true love, Helen.
Vanessa: Well, I don't see why he would, but whatever.
Sara: Unfortunately, John's wife would die of cancer years later, and her final parting gift was... a beagle puppy!
Vanessa: *Gasps, then squeals loudly* OHMYGOD, HE'S SO CUTE!
Sara: ... buuuuuuut the son of his former boss would break into his house, steal his car and kill his dog.
Vanessa: *Gasps, horrified* Nooooooooooo!
Sara: *Startled* I-I'll give you two a minute. Anyways, John would become enraged by this, swearing revenge for taking away the last thing that reminded him of his wife. He swore to kill every last one of them.
John Wick
Knows every form of hand to hand combat
Peak Physical Conditions
High pain tolerance
Master Assassin
Weapon Improvisation
Intimidation
Master Tactician
Glock 26
Heckler and Koch P30L
Coharie Arms CA-415 assault rifle
Glock 17
Glock 34
Kimber Warrior handgun
Suppressed Smith & Wesson SW1911SC "E-Series"
Taran Tactical Innovations TR-1 Ultralight rifle
Benelli M4 Super 90 chambered
Bulletproof overshirt
A fucking pencil
A fucking book
Vanessa: *Sniffles* R-right, a-and he needed some serious firepower to do that. Being an ex-assassin, he's skilled in melee combat and marksmanship.
Sara: While it's never specified, an expert fighter has said that John is most likely an expert in Japanese and Brazilian jiu-jitsu, tactical three-gun, and standing Judo, allowing him to use firearms to his advantage in hand-to-hand combat.
Vanessa: Speaking of guns, man does he have some! Pistols, assault rifles, shotguns, launchers, you name it, John has probably used it or a variation of it in the past. He even comes with equipment like bulletproof suits and explosives, which can help out if all else fails.
Feats
Scares the police
Killed three guys in a bar with a pencil
Killed several assassins in one night... two with a pencil
Survived an explosion that destroyed his house
Scares everyone
Casually gets up after getting hit by cars
Killed a man and so many of his best men because they killed his dog
Killed and defeated a sumo wrestler
Managed to shoot someone through a wall
Survived a 20ft Drop
Has killed over 286 people
Has a lot of ranged weapons
Able to seemingly know where someone escaped and easily manages to find them
Somehow can react to someone who is about to shoot him
Fast enough to shoot everyone around him in seconds
Sara: With these tools, John was able to kill the men responsible for killing his dog, and even saved a pitbull from being euthanized. However, the fight with mafias who wanted his head didn't end, and thus he keeps finding himself in outnumbered situations, but always somehow finds a way to come out on top.
Vanessa: John's strong enough to kill three people with a pencil without even breaking it, tough enough to beat a trained assassin while handcuffed and severely wounded as well as fall off a building after being shot and live, and even survived being in an explosion that destroyed his house.
Sara: John's kill count is insane, with just under 300 kills under his belt. He's defeated opponents physically larger than him, most notably a man in a library who towered over him. Assuming Keanu Reeves' height, 6'1, the man must've been over 7 feet tall.
Vanessa: He even took out a sumo wrestler, who on average can weigh over 350 pounds.
Weaknesses
Same weaknesses as a normal human
His anger is both his greatest strength and weakness
Had his car stolen, and had his dog killed by a gang
His bulletproof suit provide limited protection
Can be overwhelmed by a much more skilled fighter or equal opponent
In the first film, he was caught off guard by a couple of thugs who killed his dog and stole his car
Sara: But John is nowhere near invincible. While he's taken some serious damage, he's still human, and can be handicapped by past wounds. Plus, he'll do anything to accomplish his mission, even if it means pushing himself way beyond his limits, like when he walked through a hot desert for nearly an entire day with nothing but a little water left!
Vanessa: But really, this just proves that John Wick is someone to be feared; when you hear the name Baba Yaga... parabellum (prepare for war).
Iosef: Everything's got a price, bitch.
Wick: Not this bitch.
Sara: All right, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
Sara and Vanessa: It's time... For a DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Unknown Clubhouse
(American Phantom - Brandon Yates)
In a club deep within the heart of New York city, two men stood out from one another amongst the crowd of men and women in party attire. One came in from the front, wearing a clean black suit and sporting blue eyes and blonde hair. The other came in from the back, taking out two workers and throwing them in the dumpster near the back, wearing a ruffled black suit with long, messy black hair.
The two made their way through the venue in entirely different ways. James Bond walked through the partygoers politely, even stopping by the bar to get a drink. John incapacitated each cook and staff worker, eventually finding himself on the second floor of the club. He attempted to blend in by tidying himself up. James finished his drink and noticed a figure on the second floor. As John looked over the balcony, the two locked eyes. They knew what was going to happen.
Later on, John went to the bathroom. James did the same, the two feeling each other's presence in the large, pristinely cleaned bathroom. After the two finished their business, they stood side-by-side at the sinks, washing their hands. One person left after using the bathroom, not even bothering to wash their hands.
Bond: Quite unsanitary, wouldn't you say, Mr. Wick?
Wick: I agree, Bond.
The two nodded, and waited a few seconds before pulling their respective pistols on one another.
FIGHT!
Bond ducks when Wick shoots, hitting him multiple times before disarming him. He goes to shoot Wick, but he grabs his wrist, causing a shot to go off in the ceiling. Wick hits Bond with a headbutt, kicking him in the stomach before delivering a quick combination of punches. Wick grabs Bond's head and slams him against the mirror, causing it to shatter as Bond falls.
Wick gets on the ground to pick his opponent up, but Bond manages to grab him and toss him backwards, resetting the playing field as the two stand up. Wick goes to kick Bond again, but Bond grabs his leg and kicks him back, causing Wick to stumble as Bond grabs his head and slams it against the wall, causing Wick to bleed from his forehead.
Wick whips Bond into the door, and tackles Bond into it, causing it to open as the two go out to the club. People start to look, and Wick quickly goes back into the bathroom to grab his gun. He shoots at the ceiling, causing everyone to scream and evacuate the building, the DJ and other staff doing the same. Bond gets up and dusts off his suit.
Bond: I'd say you've got about five minutes before the police show up, Mr. Wick.
Wick looks back at Bond and points his gun at his opponent.
Wick: I only need one.
Bond dodges out of Wick's gunshot as he punches Wick again, causing him to drop his weapon. The two dodge and deliver punches to one another as the club music continues to play, the floor flashing orange, purple and white. Bond goes for a punch, but Wick ducks and tackles Bond, ramming him into the bar area.
Wick picks up a barstool and goes to hit Bond with it, but Bond takes a martini glass with a drink in it and splashes Wick with it, causing it to go in his eyes. James takes the glass and throws it at John, causing it to shatter as John falls to the ground.
James goes to end it by pulling out his gun and aiming it at John. John quickly moves his head before the bullet hits, using his legs to trip Bond as 007's head hits the counter of the bar, disorienting him. John gets up and grabs Bond by his shirt, delivering multiple punches to him as he starts to bleed from the mouth.
John goes to take the gun that Bond was using, but James is able to slip free from his grasp and roll away, grabbing the gun Wick was using, the said hitman shooting at James as he goes behind the bar. James peeks up and starts shooting at John, making him run away and hide behind a knocked over table.
The two take turns shooting at one another from a distance, John even taking off the silencer to increase its range significantly.
James notices a hanging light above John, and shoots it. Wick looks up and dodges out of the way of the light, now back on the dance floor. James runs and hits Wick with more punches before throwing him over a pool table.
Bond walks over and leans on it to take a breather, picking up a pool cue as Wick does the same. The two clash cues, staring each other down. Wick kicks Bond, causing him to recoil as Wick brings the cue down on Bond's head, causing it to break as Bond falls to the ground.
Wick takes out his gun and cocks it, pointing at Bond's head, ready to end it. Suddenly, he could hear a beep coming from the pool table. He turns around and notices a device stuck to the pool table. It explodes, causing both of them to go flying as the screen suddenly cuts away. When it fades, a ringing in the ear can be heard as Wick slowly gets up, Bond doing the same.
The two take their fighting poses once more. Wick goes to deliver a weak punch to Bond before being blocked. James kicks Wick onto the dance floor, using his gun to shoot Wick in his leg as he yells in pain. James takes out the Golden Gun and aims it at Wick, the ex-hitman on his single knee.
Bond: Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Wick.
Bond pulls the trigger, shooting John Wick in the head as he falls back, a large hole in Wick's head as a puddle of blood surrounds his head. Bond holsters the gun and sighs, noticing sirens blaring in the distance. Bond can't help but smile to himself as he walks out the back way.
KO!
* Sophia and her dogs are shocked as they discovered Wick's corpse.
* Bond cleans himself up and fixes his tie as he disappears among the crowd.
Results
(American Phantom again)
Vanessa: Oh. My. Zeno.
Sara: This was one of the closest matches we've had so far. Both James and John were around the same power level and possessed around the same set of skills, so if we ran this fight over 100 times, John would certainly pick up some wins here and there. However, James' superior combat experience and more versatile move set gives him the edge more times than not.
Vanessa: John fights with ruthless, pure aggression, but James fights these kinds of guys all the time, and has outsmarted agents far smarter and tougher than Wick. Really, what set Wick apart from them was his reputation and absolute refusal to stay down, even if he was fatally injured.
Sara: James has taken near-countless life threatening injuries, and while John's been shot, caught in an explosion that destroyed a house and run over by a car, James has fallen hundreds of feet, way more impressive than anything Wick's survived.
Vanessa: John might've snapped a dude's neck with a karate chop, but James can tackle someone through metal bars and even walls! Plus, there was no way John would've survived the Golden Gun, even if he was shot in any other body part.
Popup: The Golden Gun has pierced bulletproof armor before, therefore rendering Wick's own armor useless.
Sara: This fight was pretty tough to decide, mainly because these two don't really have any powers that counter one another or weapons that exploit a weakness. Really, these two are arguably evenly matched, but when it comes down to which one would come out on top no holds barred based on their past experiences and skills, Bond picks up the win more times than not.
Vanessa: That was one Wicked battle.
Sara: The winner is James Bond
* The connections between James Bond and John Wick is that they are both old and new action movie protagonists who are skilled and professional gun fighters known in pop culture. Though they're jobs are technically different (Bond is a spy who infiltrates and spies, whereas Wick is an assassin who murders people ), both still have an overlap in terms of skills and purpose
* Both are working for higher authorities (Bond working for the real-life MI6 of the United Kingdom, and Wick once worked for a fictional Russian crime syndicate in New York City)
* Both left their careers at one for the a woman they fell in loved with (Vesper Lynd for James and Helen Wick for John), but returned later after they died
* Both are also played by famous actors (Daniel Craig as James Bond and Keanu Reeves as John Wick)