This one's for Kiera.
Game 859: Holding On to Sai
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The scenery is flashing by. It's raining, and the Tokyo streets are stained with grime beneath a herd of footsteps and the angry sky. A million umbrellas sweep past, like a muted rainbow all out of order. Sai… Sai would have loved this. The drizzling rain and the sea of umbrellas both. Not to mention the rainbows. I think he lived for rainbows. He surely died for rainbows.
I glance away from the window, past my pounding headache, and my eyes land on his profile. His face is so serious, his dark green eyes trained on the soaked asphalt of the road. It's a relief. The light ahead flashes to red, and everything takes on a scarlet hue. Until all the raindrops and puddles are shining with it.
We used to dance in those puddles. Sai would run through them, the water brushing off him. Just another piece of the world he could never really touch. I'd get soaked, though. Thoroughly and easily, until my t-shirts were stained with water and dirt. Until I'd get angry and drag Sai away, wringing the water from my clothes. Grudgingly promising a next time.
I would give anything to run through a puddle with Sai once again.
"Shindou?"
I blink, and instead of Sai's purple eyes, it's Touya's green ones staring at me. The rain is drumming on the windshield. The red hues flash to green, and the sound of a horn blares from somewhere behind us.
"Eyes on the road, stupid!" I manage. "Are you trying to kill us?!"
He startles. "Of— of course not." He turns sharply away from me, and the car jerks into motion with an abruptness one could expect from an amateur slamming a stone down on the goban, but never from Touya. Touya is untouchable. Perfect at everything he does. Except driving, it seems. Touya is a terrible driver. It's right, somehow. A cosmic balance of sorts. Still, I can't believe someone's actually given him a license. I can't believe I've agreed to let him drive me home.
Perhaps I have a death wish. After all, if Touya murders us both, at least I'll see Sai again. Sunday will be four years since he's gone. It hurts only sometimes now; this grief, which has become my ever-constant friend. I've found ways to carry it. And every day, I feel him in the stones. I find him in every game. It's why I play. It hasn't been about Touya for a long time. And most days, that's more than enough. Most days I smile, and life moves around me. But when the pain does find me, it's just as sharp as that day.
Just as sharp every time.
I shake my head, banishing the thought to the far reaches of my mind, and groan when the pounding in my head doubles in protest.
"Are you all right?" Touya asks from beside me.
I ignore him.
Oh, Sai. Why did you go?
Didn't you want to keep playing? To play together?
Wasn't I enough?
"Enough?" Touya says beside me, and I can hear the frown in his voice. And I realize I've said it aloud. I'm an idiot. Like Waya always said. The biggest idiot there is.
Bigger, even. Because it's been four years, and I just keep on carrying this with me.
Are ghosts supposed to weigh this much?
"I haven't told you after all," I say slowly, and the words feel like lead on my tongue.
What am I doing?
"You haven't told me what, Shindou?" he asks, when the seconds turn to minutes and the silence stretches, flexing in the car between us.
The rain seems louder, threatening to shatter the windshield with every drop. Touya turns up the speed of the vipers, smearing the water away. The street is blurred behind the glass.
"About Sai," I whisper finally, and I wonder why it seems that I can feel the rain on my cheeks. Is Touya's windshield broken? "I haven't told you… about Sai."
Touya stiffens beside me. I can see the way his hands grip at the leather of the wheel. The way his eyes dart to me, and then away, back to the road. The car serves very slightly, and a horn blares. Touya may seriously murder us. I have stopped caring.
"What about Sai?"
His voice is as tight as his hands on the wheel. He is a snake, uncoiling.
"You remember him." It isn't a question. Of course Touya remembers. Just like he remembers every game with me, before and after. And there were never enough Afters to replace all the Befores.
There is a pause. It lasts long enough for the lights to change to red and then to green again. It seems to last forever. Growing. Stretching.
Is this how it felt for Sai all that time? Watching time simply pass by, days slipping to centuries as he sat, trapped in his glass and kaya prison. Waiting. Waiting.
Waiting…
"Your other self," Touya says finally. His voice is measured. Like perhaps he realizes I'm finally on the cusp of it. This secret I've been holding on to for what feels like the entirety of my life. And he is treading so carefully.
"You said that once before."
Touya is quiet beside me. He is waiting too.
"Gomen," I whisper, and tears sting my eyes now. I can no longer pretend it's the rain. Touya's windshield isn't broken. What kind of idiot would drive around with a broken windshield anyway? "I'm so sorry, Touya. It wasn't fair to you either."
"You aren't Sai," Touya says, when my voice falters and falls to silence. "I thought… but you aren't. Not exactly."
"No." I reach up, brushing a hand across my cheek. What does it matter anyway? He's seen me cry before.
"Who is Sai to you?"
"A friend." It's easier when he asks me. Easier when I can tell him everything in little soundbites, as if Amano-san is interviewing me for Go Weekly.
But doesn't Sai deserve more?
"My sensei."
Beside me, Touya is still. On the wheel, his hand trembles. "I believe that. I can see traces of him when you play."
"He's taught me everything." I smile at that, remembering. "Everything I know. To love the game."
"And now?" The excitement is bubbling beneath his words. "Where is he now, Shindou? Where is Sai?"
"A ghost."
I stare out the window, at the falling rain again. A ghost. But wasn't he always?
"I'm sorry," Touya says beside me, after a long moment. He is pale. Emotions warring on his face. I don't try to decipher them. I know already, anyway. I know exactly who Touya is.
"He's gone," I say quietly. "But he was a ghost to begin with. He was a ghost when we met. Have you ever met a ghost, Touya?"
"I'm not sure what you mean?"
I sigh. "It's too crazy. I don't know how to say it. You'll say I've lost my mind. Or that I'm fever-mad. You wouldn't believe me."
"I wouldn't do that."
The car swerves slightly. I know without looking that he's taken his eyes off the road again. I brace myself against the dashboard until Touya rights the car into the proper lane.
I should have taken the train.
Why am I doing this? Is it the fever? Have I lost all my senses?
But I did promise him the whole story, that time.
"You once said it was like I carried another person inside me," I say slowly. "What if I told you it was true? That the first two times we played, it wasn't me behind the stones. That your opponent for those games… was Sai?"
He is quiet again. The silence stretches. Longer than the first eternity that I waited for his answer.
"I'd believe you," he says with quiet certainty. "Though I don't really understand."
"All right." I nod, bracing myself. How long have I been working up to this moment? I nearly found the nerve that time, at the first Hokuto Cup. Ever since he found Sai within me, I've wanted to tell him. Maybe even before. I touched the edges of it when we stood outside the Internet Cafe, that summer when he accused me… accused me of being Sai. I smile.
I had told him to stop chasing phantoms.
"I met him in my grandfather's attic. A ghost who wanted to play Go." I pause there, remembering. I had packed away the memories. They hurt too much, since I lost him. But the edges have become duller with time. The sting less painful. "He'd been trapped in a goban. For centuries. Just waiting for someone to find him again. And he… possessed me?" Gah, it's so weird to say it. Possessed me? No, that doesn't seem right.
"He followed me," I clarify. "He left the goban. He came with me."
Touya is silent, his hand gripping the wheel. Waiting.
"He was my friend."
Touya says nothing. I'm not sure if he thinks I'm crazy, or if he's simply waiting for me to carry on.
"I didn't know anything back then," I say quietly, and a nostalgic laugh breaks into my voice. "I was sure it was a mistake. I'd never seen a goban before, you know? I was a stupid little punk. I couldn't even hold the stones."
"I remember," Touya says abruptly, and I chance a glance at his eyes. They are trembling.
I remember too. How Sai became my ever-present companion. My very own shadow ghost. How I promised to take him to the Go Salon, since he helped me out with the answers to my test.
"He was from the Heian era," I explain fondly. "He knew everything. I'd never been more excited. I was a terrible student, you know."
"I believe that," Touya says shortly, and I feel a wild flash of annoyance. But without my usual cache of energy, it trickles away. It doesn't matter, after all. This story is about Sai. It always has been. And Touya is waiting for the climax. Just like me.
"So we went," I conclude. "To the Go Salon. And there you were."
Touya laughs suddenly, the sound as cryptic as the hard lines of his face. "I thought I was playing a bright-eyed beginner. And you brought me a god."
"Hmmm."
"And the second time?"
"Sai said…" I rub my aching head and sigh, willfully pushing the headache away. "He couldn't let you down gently. You were chasing him too hard."
There is a silence. Touya contemplates this, his eyes thankfully on the road. "So then?"
"Then nothing," I say wearily, the words heavy now. "I wanted to play. I thought I deserved to, no matter how good he was. How strong he was. How brilliant. And I…" I trail off, choking on the guilt of it all. On the enormity of what I had dared to take away from the world. No matter how long or how hard I play, I'll never be as good as Sai. I'll never come as close to the divine move. Never.
"The tournament at Kaio," Touya says quietly from beside me.
"Mmm," I agree. I still remember Touya's disappointment then. To think he'd finally grabbed hold of Sai, to find himself facing me instead. Shindou Hikaru. A useless beginner. I'd taken that from him. From both of them. "I'm sorry. He wanted to play you again. More than anything."
"You didn't want his shadow hanging over you," Touya says, after another eternal silence. "So you let him play on the internet. But he disappeared." He pauses there, turning to contemplate me as we draw to a stop at yet another red light. I'm both thankful and not thankful for the traffic. I'm not sure how things will stand between us, once this conversation ends. "You stopped after I confronted you, didn't you? Did I ruin it for you, Shindou?" He looks aghast, remorseful even. "For Sai?"
"No," I say, because it's true. Touya isn't the one who ruined anything. Not by a long shot. "It's me, Touya. It's my fault. I'm the one who kept Sai from playing Go. I'm the one who selfishly wanted to play instead."
Oh Sai, would you have stayed, if I'd only let you play?
"So what would you have done?" he asks, his voice unreadable. "Let Sai play in your name? Always?"
I shrug, regretting it instantly. My head pounds. "Maybe I should have. Then I wouldn't have disappointed you, or Sai, or anyone else. But I wasn't kind enough for that. Not like Torajiro."
"Torajiro," Touya gasps. And there is a new silence in the car, longer and heavier than any of the ones before. I can almost hear his brain working. The wheels turning behind those unrevealing eyes.
"Shusaku." His voice trembles. "Sai was Shusaku. That's why you— your obsession with him. His signature, you…"
"Mmm," I say again, too spent to say anything more. Too ashamed to look at him.
A car horn blares behind us. Touya has ignored another light. I pretend it's because he's a terrible driver, and not because of what I said.
"What happened to him?" Touya asks finally, when several more blocks are behind us. The area is familiar now. The conversation nearly over. "Sai."
"I don't know." My voice cracks, and I hang my head. Foolish as it is, I wasn't expecting the question. Not yet.
And really, what can I say? I woke up, and Sai was gone. I couldn't find him anywhere. Not in my house, or in Innoshima, or in the whole entire world.
All he wanted was to play. One last game. I couldn't even give him that.
I didn't even say goodbye.
The tears are falling down my face now, as thick and heavy as the moment I first realized he was really gone. But I've faced it all already. There is no denying his absence. No bargaining with God to hold him close. No more sacrifices to delay this acceptance. Even if I give up my Go, he won't come back. I know that. So I hold on to it.
And I hold on to Sai.
"You… don't know?"
And I realize Touya is staring at me, frowning. And the red has turned to green. Horns are blaring around us; the soundtrack of driving with Touya, I suppose.
I wipe my eyes on my sleeve, gathering myself. "You should probably drive. Before you get a ticket."
"Right." He slams on the gas and the car jerks forward and then somehow back. If I wasn't wearing a seatbelt, I would have probably hit my head.
"He vanished," I say finally, when we are two streets away and the angry horde of drivers behind us has calmed down somewhat. "Gone. Just like that."
"When? Shindou, when—?"
"Four years ago," I say quickly. I can't stand to let him finish the question.
Touya is quiet then. A calculating look behind his eyes.
The silence grows.
He'll hate me.
How could he not? I had Shusaku as my teacher. And I kept him all to myself. I kept his Go from the world.
He'll either hate me, or he'll think I've lost my mind. Finally cracked under the pressure.
The car stops abruptly. I glance up, expecting to see the red shine of yet another unrelenting stoplight. But no, it's my house outside the window. Touya has somehow brought me home in one piece. And now he's staring at me. His eyes unreadable.
"I'm no Go genius, you see." I sigh. "Sai is in my Go, but… there won't be another game like the one you've been hoping for. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
I unclasp the seatbelt and fumble for the door. "Thanks for the ride."
"Wait." He grabs my arm abruptly. It's almost as if we're eleven again, and he's found me outside the station. It was raining just as hard then. But that day, he'd been chasing Sai.
Who am I without him?
"You didn't disappoint me, Shindou."
"Liar," I say softly.
"You say you're not a genius?" His eyes are hard. "I don't agree. Who else could have caught up to me?"
I look away. "I haven't caught up to you."
Touya scoffs at that. Perhaps he is thinking of last year's Young Lions Tournament. But it was only one win. The only one I've ever eked out against him. I chance another look at him. He is still staring at me, studying me with those unreadable eyes.
"I believe you." There isn't a trace of doubt in his face.
"All right." I'm not sure what else to say. There is a strange sensation in my chest. One I can't quite describe.
Touya falls silent. I can hardly blame him. I pick at the lock on the door, pulling it halfway and letting it snap back with a loud click. I should go. I should leave, before he tells me what an idiot I am. I should—
"It isn't your fault."
My hand slips on the door.
"I don't know what happened. But I can't believe he would have left because of you. It doesn't feel right. Not with everything you've said. Ghost don't just…" He trails off, thoughtful.
Right. I stare at the rain drumming against the windshield. Touya has turned off the vipers. Soon, I won't see anything at all.
"Why?" My voice is bitter. "Are you a ghost expert now, Touya?"
"I just," he says quietly, and his voice is uncharacteristically soft. "I can see you're struggling with this. I don't want to…" He is contemplating me, as if unsure how to approach. Like I'm a particularly complex puzzle on the board, and he doesn't quite know where to step.
A rarity for Touya, surely.
"Ghosts. Spirits. They don't leave," he says, after a pause, "just like that. Out of anger or… or spite—"
"Sai wasn't spiteful!" The anger flares in me, hot and furious. "Take that back! Sai would never— He… he was…" I'm too weary for anger. It settles in my hands, which tremble. In my eyes, which feel itchy and hot.
"He was…" I repeat. But the words slip away from me.
'Hikaru, I'm going to disappear soon.'
"I didn't mean— I'm sorry, Shindou."
'Don't be ridiculous. Lately you've been so selfish…'
"I just meant… ghosts stay because they have unfinished business. And they leave because they've moved on."
I blink, and Sai is standing there, holding out his fan. Giving it to me, but—
"Nothing was finished," I whisper bitterly. "He was going to play the divine move. He wanted to keep playing forever. That's why he stayed behind all that time."
Touya studies me, his expression curious. "Then it's you," he says abruptly. "It's because of you, Shindou."
It feels, somehow, as though he's stabbed me. My hands have clenched to fists. Until my nails are digging into my palms.
I've done it. Even Touya can see what a failure I am.
"I know," I whisper, and it hurts. "He left because of me. Because I was selfish. Stupid."
"No," Touya says. He is shaking his head, staring at me. There is a gleam in his eyes I can't explain. "He moved on because of you."
"No, I…"
"You must have helped him find peace."
I shake my head. The pain doesn't matter now. I've got to make Touya understand. If someone understands, maybe I can let go of this guilt at last. This guilt of forcing Sai away. "No. He didn't."
"Then where did he go?"
I don't have an answer.
'I'm going to disappear soon.'
"He was your friend," Touya says.
He was. My best friend.
Irreplaceable.
"You stopped playing when he left."
Of course, Touya has figured that out too. That doesn't surprise me either.
"Was it because it hurt too much?" he asks softly. "... Or because you were hoping he'd come back?"
The question hits me hard. It brings back every memory. My empty room, and the kifu records stacked ceiling high. The postcards, piling up on the tray in the entry hall. Dust on the goban. The pain of watching everyone come for me… and walk away, until nothing and no one was left. And back then, nothing and no one mattered. Only Sai.
"Both," I whisper, tasting salt on my lips.
"Then wouldn't he have done the same for you?"
Sai, give up Go…
For me?
Something clenches in my chest, until I feel like the air is made of stones and I can't swallow.
Sai is offering me his fan.
'…I'm going to disappear soon…'
'Let's play a game.'
'Hikaru…'
I lean back against the leather seat of Touya's fancy car and close my eyes, and Sai is standing there in all his finery. Just like always. He is smiling.
Bastard.
What good was telling me all that, if you weren't going to say goodbye?
Would you have stayed if you could have?
Sai. Would you have stayed for me?
Tears sting my eyes. It all feels raw and hard and painful. It feels like I've lost him all over again. Because I know the answer.
I've always known the answer.
.
.
.
It takes me a long time to compose myself. Touya doesn't rush me. He merely sits there quietly, seemingly content to let me bawl all over his Mercedes. If I wasn't so wrapped up in it, I would have joked that he was scared to drive home on his own. When I finally dry my eyes, dusk is falling.
"Thanks," I say again, because there seem to be too many things to thank Touya for, but all my words are spent, and I just haven't got any more. Instead I mumble a quick goodbye and push at the door, stepping out into the pattering rain.
And then my head spins and I bang my elbow on the car, and for a second the world is all pain. I find myself on throbbing knees on the hard, wet ground, remembering why Touya was driving me home from the study session to begin with. And now he's crouching next to me, and I'm not really sure how he got there. I let him pull me to my feet though, my bruised knees screaming in protest.
"You're sick," he reminds me. "I'll walk you."
"Fine," I agree, and he pulls my arm around his shoulder and leads me toward my house. I fumble for the keys and attempt to jam them into the lock, but Touya takes them and expertly opens my front door, as if he's visited a hundred times, and not just today. Instead, I'm the one who's usually visiting.
Maybe he'd visit more, if I had my own place. Maybe it's time to start over. To leave this house where Sai existed behind, and let Touya's presence fill just a bit more of that hole, until the pain of losing him is smaller. Maybe then Sai's shadow won't be so heavy to carry.
We step inside, out of the relentless downpour, and I stumble out of my shoes, leaving them in a small puddle on the tile floor. Touya helps me up the stairs.
"Shindou," he says thoughtfully. "Would you tell me more? About Sai. What was he like?"
What was he like? I smile. He was so clever, and talented, and excitable, and fierce. He was the best friend a friend could be. He was my teacher and brother all at once. Sometimes, he was like an angry chihuahua.
"Yeah," I agree. "I can do that."
And my heart lifts.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's not that the pain needs to shrink, but I'm the one who has to grow. Because I'll carry him always. I'm the one who needs to become strong enough for Sai to always be a part of me.
But until that day comes, maybe Sai's shadow won't weigh quite so much, if Touya and I carry it together.
.
.
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A/N: Thanks so much for reading! The last couple of years have been a whirlwind of insanity, and this is the first new thing I've really written since the pandemic descended on us like something straight out of Station Eleven. Anyway, I'm so glad that Hikaru, Sai, and Touya helped me find my inspiration again. Exploring Sai's loss with Hikaru was touching, and probably necessary. It's surely been a long time coming. Any comments you guys may wanna leave, I appreciate!
Thanks,
Rina
PS: H, if you happen to read this. I can't find a way to write you back, but I hope you're doing ok, and I miss you! (This is an odd note, I know. ha)