Ambitionz az a Ridah

by Artistically Insightful

Ryder and CJ are struggling to come to terms with their relationship as well as their identities as gangstas. Will they let the pushback of their friends and family put an end to their love? This is part one of my Tribulations series.

Trigger warnings/tags: Someone gets shot, someone almost dies from a drug overdose, Abuse, gaslighting, racism, harsh language, drug use, drug abuse, drug overdose, gang activity, homophobia, self-hatred, jealousy, depression, feeling trapped, abandonment, prison rape, prison relationships, probably a lot of stuff I forgot. 1st person perspective.

Title is named after Tupac's song titled: Ambitionz az a Ridah

Probably has some errors. I am so tired of reading over this and editing. I tried my best. Might come back and fix the errors in the future.

A/N: I am Black and from the hood so I say nigga daily TBH without really thinking about it so I apologize for that but I know some people are really bothered by it. It's in this story a whole lot just to warn you. I don't really like how Black characters are written on this website or in Fanfictions in general. The color of our skin is written too often and we even get referred to by our skin with words like ebony which is fine but I get tired of reading ebony skin this, brown-skinned man that. Why can he just be a man? We don't write ''ivory man'' or ''this beautiful white man says this next...'' I want to write more GTA stories with the Black characters because I feel like we get fetishized to hell and back and I swear to God if I get called ebony anything somebody's gonna get popped in the mouth lol. We are more than our skin. We are more than just Black people. WE ARE PEOPLE just like anyone else. SMH.

Memories have been flooding my mind since returning to Grove Street. Memories that I've repressed and walked away from.

I thought that I walked away from these memories but they now continue to haunt me. I don't want to see him. I really don't but at the same time, I do. I'm intrigued about if he's grown as a person or not.

I remember him being an asshole. So harsh and cruel. He'd hit me and call me names. I got used to it after a while. What I didn't get used to were the sensual touches at night.

He made me swear never to tell a soul or he'd kill me. He's killed so many people, I have a feeling that he'd have no problem offing me.

For all the times that he pushed me around and talked down to me, I still feel attracted to him. I hate myself for it though. He's grown up well and I still feel a flutter in my heart whenever I think of him.

Real niggas don't get heart flutters. I ain't with that gay shit. Or am I? I can't exactly tell anyone about how I feel. I'd get laughed at for being so weak.

I wonder if Ryder's heart has ever fluttered at the thought of me.

I might run into him soon...

We all went out to get food and Big Smoke ordered the entire menu. Ryder is so snarky and judgemental now. It feels like nothing I do or say is right for him.

I'm still calming down from the shoot-out. I pull up to everyone's houses and everyone except Ryder is yelling about different things.

I'm startled by Ryder yanking me to the side.

''Come see me,'' Ryder demands in the same tone of voice I remember him using when I was pinned down beneath him.

After parking my car in the garage I go over to Ryder's house. I knocked on the door two times and was taken aback by Ryder yanking me into the room by the front of my shirt. I recovered quickly and went to sit on the couch.

He's so rough with me. I wonder why he's so angry at me all the time.

''So...how have you been CJ?'' Ryder asks softly not looking at me.

''Fine...what about you?'' I ask.

Ryder shrugs,''I've been survivin'...''

I nod in response.

I'm not surprised when he leans over me and gently massaged my scalp. I welcomed the light touches. The next thing he said was barely above a whisper,''Missed you...''

I wrap my arms around his waist and bring him closer. I want to kiss him but he's never let me. He always told me that kisses were too gay for him. I find that to be very ironic since we did everything from sucking each other off to him fucking me senseless in his bed when we were teenagers.

Will he let me kiss him this time?

I pull him down for a kiss. He seems to be receptive. He lets me guide him closer to my lips. Our lips were inches apart when the door slammed open.

We both scream and Ryder nearly trips over the coffee table.

Ryder yells,''Damn nigga! Ever heard of knocking!?''

Sweet gives us a strange look,''What were you two doing?''

I look away from my brother and Ryder scoffs,''Don't worry about it!''

Sweet squints at us before saying,''Okaaay...well a meeting will be held here tomorrow...just letting you know...''

Ryder nods not looking at him.

I shift nervously,''W-well...I have somewhere to be so...bye!''

I practically run from the house.

I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if my brother didn't interrupt us. What would Ryder have done to me?

I go throughout my day on autopilot. There are so many things that I need to do.

I go over to Ryder's house since we're planning a new mission. What I wasn't ready for is everyone watching porn together.

What the fuck.

I can't see Ryder's eyes but I feel them on me.

Why are we watching porn?

Do they always do this?

I awkwardly sit down next to Ryder.

Sweet looks lost in the porn and Big Smoke looks unimpressed. The rest of the gang were either talking or watching it too.

I have to stop myself from flinching when I feel something brush against my thigh. They were spidery fingers slowly tracing up and down the side of my thigh. It felt nice. I already know that it's Ryder so I just ignore him.

Ryder groans and throws up his hand,''Ugh I'm so sick of jacking off! I wanna fuck! I wanna get my fuckin' dick wet!''

Sweet glares at Ryder and says,''Of course, you had to go and say something nasty!''

Ryder rolls his eyes,''You act like you don't jack off too!'

I stifle a gasp as I feel the fingers slowly drag up and down the side of my thigh,''I remember how often CJ did it. We caught him all the time.''

Sweet burst out laughing,''Yeah I remember. CJ tried to hide his porn but everyone found it. I also remember CJ fucking every girl in high school too.''

Ryder bitterly groaned,''Me too...''

Big Smoke mumbled,''And some of the boys too...''

Ryder gasps and throws a pillow at him and Big Smoke yelled,''What!? Like you weren't backing it up on him and turning him out Ryder.''

Sweet yells,''LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR THIS! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!''

I didn't know Big Smoke knew that.

Ryder clears his throat and says,''Cj can you help me find something in my room?''

I shrug and we get up.

As we head to the room Big Smoke wolf calls us and Sweet smacks him in the face with the pillow.

When we get in Ryder's room I see that he has a few porn mags and un-smoked blunts on the bed. The porn mags were all gay. A bunch of oiled-up Black men with big muscles. I caught a glimpse of one of the men getting his ass eaten out and then getting fucked with his legs practically behind his head. I see another magazine with a black man on it getting whipped with a red ball gag in his mouth.

Wow, Ryder's into some kinky shit.

Ryder takes the blunts off the bed and says,''Sit down.''

I do as he says and he sighs and says,''Even though I think you're a busta...I...I...''

Ryder slides between my legs,''I missed this-''

The door slams open and Sweet comes barreling in and grabs my arm,''The meeting's starting now. He shoves Ryder out of the way and yanks me off the bed.

Ryder lets a long sigh out of his nose as he follows us back to the front room.

Big Smoke looked dismayed,''How's your balls holding up Ryder?''

Ryder groaned,''Blue, blue, blue.''

Sweet ignored them and said,''Anway, Ballas are slowly starting to take over the territory. Ryder, I need you to get more guns, Big Smoke use your connections, and Cj keep taking out Ballas!''

I nod, I'm hardly listening. I can't stop imaging Ryder between my legs again.

When the meeting ended I went back to sitting on the couch. The porn was back on. Sweet looked absolutely captivated. I looked over at Ryder and he looked to be dying of boredom.

After a small moment of silence Ryder speaks up,''Ugh, I'm so fuckin' horny!''

Sweet sshes him,''Shut up! It's at the good part.''

On the screen, the man is pounding into a woman with big breasts. She is all oiled up and has a huge fro. She looks like Pam Grier AKA Foxy Brown. Typical 70's porn. She's practically screaming every time he slams into her. I will admit that she is hot as fuck. I'm horny but I don't want to make it too obvious.

Big Smoke mumbles,''Why don't you just rub one out?''

''It's not the same! I miss being deep in a hot, wet, tight...ugh! I miss sex!'' Ryder exclaims.

Big Smoke nods,''Understandable...you haven't had sex since CJ left.''

I blush at that. What? Has he been waiting on me? Was Ryder really that dedicated to me? He couldn't be!

Ryder groaned,''Jeah...five long years...yay...''

Big Smoke says,''How about you CJ? Have you gotten laid recently?''

Ryder lifts an eyebrow and I can tell that he's squinting at me.

''No. Been too busy working and doing missions and stuff...half the time I can't even find the time to rub one out. Been so busy that that stuff hasn't really crossed my mind...but..um...I'm okay with...being what you need Ryder...''

Ryder bites his bottom lip, he pulls me close to him, and whispers,''Be careful about teasing me. I will ruin you with this dick. Be careful about teasing me bitch! Unless you're ready to take this big dick!''

''I'm always ready.'' I moan back.

Ryder growls,''That's it. I can't take this shit no more.''

He pulls me to my feet and drags me into his room. He locks the door behind him and frantically starts undressing.

The sex is hot and rushed. It was passionate and full of love bites. I hope we weren't too loud. I've been craving Ryder's touch ever since I arrived here. It was nice to finally feel him inside of me again.

As time progressed I was introduced to a woman named Catalina. I love her wild personality and I love spending time with her. She helps to distrract me from all of the chaos in my life.

I love riding around with Catalina, her personality is unmatched. I adore spending time with her. I'm distracted by her soft breast pressing into my back. I work hard to not to get aroused. I don't think she'd like that.

The ride back to my place was long I enjoyed every moment of it. The sunset was absolutely beautiful.

When we get to my place I park the motorcycle in my garage and walk her into the house.

She sat on the couch as I cooked dinner for the both of us.

Out of nowhere, I hear someone enter the house.

''Who the fuck are you?'' Ryder asks.

''Who the fuck are you!?'' Catalina counters.

I sigh,''What do you need Ryder?''

''I need help in the kitchen,'' Ryder says.

''Boy...you know that I don't know how to make that shit!'' I exclaim.

''Well it's time for you to learn nigga! C'mon!'' Ryder exclaims.

''I'm cooking dinner for Catalina, she hasn't eaten in a while. I took her to a restaurant last time but I want her to have a home-cooked meal because that's healthier.'' I reply.

Ryder scoffs,''She can cook her own damn food!''

''Catalina has done a lot of nice things for me so I want to do something nice for her,'' I reply.

Ryder damn near growls at me,''I do nice things for you too!''

I sigh and ask Catalina,''What would you like to eat doll?''

''Um...whatever you want to make baby boy.'' Catalina replies.

Babyboy...

That's a new one.

Ryder spits,''Ya'll datin' or somethin'? Cause I mean...I don't care, ya'll can do whatever. I'm not bothered. Nope! Not in the slightest! What are you cooking CJ!?''

''Um...Baked chicken, mushroom risotto, and broccoli.'' I reply.

Ryder says,''Hmm...that sounds good! It's so nice that you're cooking for your little girlfriend while you leave me over there to starve.''

''Don't start this Ryder!'' I exclaim.

''I'm not startin' nothin'!'' Ryder shouts,''I'm happy for you! Well anyway...''

Ryder turns his focus onto Catalina. I can tell that he's in one of his shit starting moods.

''Sooo how did the two of you meet?'' Ryder asks.

Catalina says,''He had business with me and swept me off of my feet in the process. He's so fun to do missions with.''

Ryder nods,''I agree. It's always fun when he does missions with me.''

Catalina snarls,''Why are you looking me up and down like you wanna fuckin' fight?''

''What do the two of you do together?'' Ryder asks.

''The normal things that a boyfriend and girlfriend do...go on missions together, shank motherfuckers, travel, and fuck.'' Catalina says.

Ryder glares at me,''So...you're just going to cheat in front of my face...''

My eyes widen are Ryder and I a couple? We never established anything!

Catalina cocks an eyebrow,''Cheat? On who!? You've got another girlfriend CJ? You fucking asshole!''

I frantically shake my head.

Ryder sighs,''On me. He's cheating on me.''

Catalina gasps and shakes her head in shock,''What...what? B-But...you guys are gangsters...thugs...um...Cj...are you gay? Are you one of those gays that live a double life?''

I shake my head,''No. I'm bisexual.''

Catalina nods slowly and turns to Ryder,''And you are?''

Ryder blushes and looks away even with his glasses and hat on I know that he's embarrassed,''I...I'm...I'm...I'm a real nigga I ain't got shit to prove to you!''

Catalina asks,''Why didn't you tell me about your boyfriend CJ?''

I scratch my head,''I did not know that we were together like that...you're so confusing, Ryder. One second you're fucking me and the next second you're flirting with my sister or doing sherm or whatever. I'm so confused. You don't really show me affection. You just cuss me out and randomly attack me. I didn't know that you wanted to be exclusive...''

Ryder,''I'm sorry for being so vague. Now come with me.''

Ryder grabs one arm and pulls me to him and Catalina grabs the other one and pulls me in the other direction. I let them play tug o war until Sweet and Big Smoke enter the house.

Sweet looks excited as he walks up to Catalina and says,''Hello beautiful, it's nice to meet you. What brings you here tonight.''

''Just spending time with my boyfriend.'' She waves her hand at me.

Sweet looked ready to collapse from happiness,''And who is your boyfriend?''

''Cj.'' She answered with a shrug.

''HALLELUJAH! HE'S NOT GAY! THANK YOU GOD!'' Sweet exclaims I can see tears of joy in his eyes.

Ryder hisses in pain and crosses his arms,''Y-Ya know what...maybe I should just leave...''

Big smoke cuts him off,''No! Stay! He is YOUR boyfriend after all.''

Catalina growls,''No! He's my boyfriend!''

Big Smoke waves her off,''They've known each other their whole lives. You're just some random broad that won't be here for long. When are you leaving?''

''Never! I'm never leaving! I'm staying with him for the rest of my life!'' Catalina yells.

I shake my head and exclaim,''Nope. Nope. Nope! You're going home.''

Sweet says,''Stay as long as you want sister-in-law.''

Ryder curls in on himself,''I...I can't...''

Big smoke clutches Ryder's chin,''Don't you dare cry that's what he wants you to do. Stop being a dick, Sweet! You know that CJ is in a committed relationship with Ryder! You already have a brother-in-law!''

Sweet crosses his arms and ignores them.

Ryder shakes his head,''I...I can't...'' He frantically pats his pockets,''Fuck! I need more water!''

Big Smoke yells,''No you don't!''

''I do!'' Ryder yells before flying out of the house. When did he get so dependent on that shit?

Once dinner is done we all sit at the table. It's me, Big Smoke, Ryder, Sweet, and Catalina. Even though Ryder had his shades on I can tell that he's glaring holes through Catalina.

After dinner, Catalina offers to wash all of the plates. I argue against it but Ryder grips my arm firmly,''I still need help.''

I nod and follow him to his house once we get there,''Why are you working with other people? You have no loyalty, Carl!''

''I'm just helping out a friend,'' I reply.

Ryder mocks me,''By winin' and dinin' her in an attempt to get some pussy!''

''What did you need help with Ryder?''

''Look at me I'm CJ! I just do whatever the fuck I want and work with anybody! I'd do anything for some pussy!'' Ryder mocked.

''You're being childish! If you keep this up I'm leaving!'' I exclaim.

''Where were you? I haven't seen you in an entire week!'' Ryder yells.

''I don't always want to sit in that Goddamn house Ryder! I have a life and I want to fucking live it!'' I say.

''C'mon! Just be honest! You were too busy being neck-deep in her fucking pussy! Where were ya'll stayin'? Her place?'' Ryder exclaims.

I refuse to entertain him so I turn to leave.

''No!'' Ryder exclaims.

I walk to the door

''Don't leave me again!'' Ryder exclaims.

I leave without looking back.

I can hear him screaming for me but I ignore it and go back to my house.

The next day Catalina had another mission for me. The only problem was all of my tires were slashed on both my car and my motorcycle. It looks like someone beat the living fuck out of them with a baseball bat and I know exactly who did this shit. I refuse to go start an argument with him because that's what he wants.

Catalina sighs and out of nowhere Ryder asks with a kind lilt in his voice,''What's the matter?''

I turn to see a small smirk on the other's face.

Catalina says,''We had so much planned today! What do we do now?''

''Well...I have a mission planned for today. How about joining me?'' Ryder asks.

I sigh,''Maybe some other time...I'll go get us a car.''

Ryder's face fell,''Cj...please? Just this once? What happened to us doing missions together? What happened to your dedication to Grove street...What happened to your dedication to me-um, uh, money...do you really want to leave again and go back to Liberty City again? Really?''

''Is that what you're thinking? That I'm planning on going back?'' I ask.

Ryder nods.

''Ryder...I am dedicated to you!'' I exclaim.

''You have a funny way of showing it! What were you planning on doing anyway? Who were you going to help?'' Ryder asks.

''Catalina. I'm helping her return to Liberty City...'' I say.

''And you can promise me you won't leave with her?'' Ryder asks.

''Yes!'' I answer.

''I'll believe it when I see it Carl...'' Ryder replies.

I grab Catalina's hand,''Sit and wait for me at the house okay? I'll get all of this straightened out and then drop you off at the hideout.''

''Oooh a hideout...so top secret...Ya'll fuck in there?'' Ryder asks.

I decide to ignore him.

''Don't ignore me nigga! Does pussy really matter that much to you!?'' Ryder exclaims.

I turn to Catalina,''I've got this. Go inside.''

Ryder pouts,''Maybe I should get big tits and a pussy. Once I get those you'll actually fucking listen to me. You'd actually fucking care!''

I grip Catalina's hand for strength and she lets out a loud cackle. Ryder slowly slides in between us so that all I can see is him. He waves in my face.

''Damn it Ryder! Stop!'' I exclaim.

He chuckles and pushes Catalina back more.

''Are you jealous Ryder?'' I ask softly.

Ryder ignores my question and crosses his arms.

''You're jealous.'' I say simply.

Ryer waves me off,''Whatever you say.''

''I have to go find a car. If we don't get these missions complete Catalina won't get to go back home!'' I exclaim

''Word!? Why didn't you just say that! Hell, you can borrow my car!'' Ryder sounds entirely too excited.

I sigh,''Let me drive, please? You drive all off the fucking road Ryder.''

Ryder nods enthusiastically,''I'll let you drive my car...only on one condition.''

I knew that there were strings attached...I just fucking knew it.

''What is it Ryder?'' I ask.

''Come to my house for a little bit. Catalina can sit in your house while we talk.'' Ryder says softly with a sly smile.

Catalina smirks and winks,''You want CJ to lay it on you don't you? His dick is addictive ain't it?''

Ryder blushes and ignores her. I let him drag me into his house. Catalaina yells,''Use a condom! Don't catch the AIDS!''

When we get in the house Ryder locked the door, sat down on the couch, and said,''Get on your knees and worship this dick. If you do a good enough job I'll stop fuckin' with you so much! And you better swallow!''

I do as I'm told. I worship his cock as much as I can. I try to take the whole thing in. Ryder's moaning like a little bitch and clutching me. He sounds close already and I just started. He starts riding my face I know he's almost ready to burst,''Oh fuck CJ! fuck!''

I massage his balls and take as much of his cock as I can. I let him thrust into my mouth even though it's triggering my gag reflex.

''Fuck!'' Ryder exclaims as he comes in my mouth. I swallow as much of it as I can.

Not too long after that, we hear knocks at the door. Ryder sighs and straightens himself up while I ignore the aching erection between my legs.

The door opens to reveal Sweet. He looks excited as he asks,''How long is she staying with us?''

''I don't know yet...'' I say with shrug.

''Did you hit that yet?'' Sweet asks.

Ryder sighs and leaves the room.

I shake my head refusing to answer.

''What about you Ryder? When are you gonna get a girl?'' Sweet asks.

Ryder scoffs,''Man I don't need that! I'm happy alone.''

Sweet says,''Come on don't be like that! We all need somebody! You're always alone! Always locked up in this house...don't you want to go hunting for a girlfriend? Or are you just straight-up gay?''

Ryder walks back into the room and says,''I only want one person. That's it.''

''Have I ever met her?'' Sweet asks.

Ryder looks at me for a second before waving Sweet's question off.

My heart flutters I say,''I only want one person too even though that person keeps sending me mixed signals but anyway, what's happening?''

Sweet's squinting at us again.

Ryder sighs,''Can you leave for a little bit Sweet? I need to have a talk with Cj.''

''About what?'' Sweet asks a little harshly.

I sigh,''Bro...can you just give us a moment alone?''

Sweet crosses his arms,''I'm just going to let you know that I don't approve of this shit! And I never will! You think you're being slick but I know what ya'll do in here. I'm not fucking stupid. Grove street is filled with REAL MEN! REAL MEN that fuck bitches and get money! I don't know what happened to you Ryder. I don't know if someone touched you or raped you but you've always had these little tendencies. Keep your hands off of my motherfucking brother!''

''Hey! Hey! Hey! What's going on in here!?'' Big smoke exclaims.

The room grows silent.

Big smoke says,''That isn't your fucking place Sweet! What they do is none of your damn business! They've been doing this since they were thirteen years old! Nothing you do is going to change the love that they have for one another! They are in love! Let them be in love!''

''Man fuck you!'' Sweet yells,''My brother ain't gay! Right CJ?''

I couldn't take all of the eyes on me so I bolt from the house in a hurry. I run into my house and lock myself in my room.

After a while someone knocks on my door.

I open the door and it's Catalina. I let her in and she says,''I got a motorcycle for us. Let's sneak out now while he's distracted.''

I nod and we head out as quickly as possible. I love feeling her breasts against my back I try not to get aroused again.

When we pull up to the hideout Catalina says,''Wow that dude is crazy about you. I think it's best if you lay low for a little bit and take some time from him. He's going through some things.''

I lay low and do small jobs here and there for about a week before sneaking back to my house without her.

Everyone's staring at me so hard. I'm not surprised when the gang comes up to me. My brother asks,''Where were you?''

''Just taking care of business is all...'' I answer.

Ryder sighs,''Well while you were out on vacation with that Mexican bitch we were getting fucked up by the ballas! I knew it CJ! I knew you were nothing but a busta!''

''No! I just have a lot going on right now!'' I exclaim.

Sweet says,''We need your help CJ! I am all in favor of you spending time with that woman. I wish the both of you luck in your relationship.''

Ryder let out a displeased groan.

Sweet continues,''But I need you to get rid of these Ballas! They're trying to take our turf!''

I nod,''I understand.''

We say goodbye and I go into my house. When I walk into the kitchen I hear footsteps behind me. Ryder snatches me around, gets on his knees, pulls my cock out of my pants, and frantically sucks it.

This is the first time Ryder has ever given me head. I'm so very overwhelmed. It's sloppy but I can feel that he's really trying to please me and make me moan for him.

I knock off his hat and thread my fingers through his coarse hair. I guide his head steadily,''Just like that...be careful with those teeth Ryder...''

Ryder follows my orders and speeds up a little bit. I moan and throw my head back,''This feels amazing Ryder. You feel amazing.''

Ryder moans in repose and eagerly sucks me. He grabs my hand and thread our fingers together.

After a while, I gently seize as I release my seed into his awaiting mouth. Ryder eagerly swallows it all.

I straighten myself up and then help Ryder up. Ryder sighs and snuggles against my neck. He's so cute when he gets like this. I want to see him let his guard down more often. I hate that he only shows his real self when he's had some water. I want to see the real Ryder all of the time.

I take him up to my room and snuggle him until he falls asleep. Catalina strolls in,''That was one hell of a show you put on there.''

''I wasn't expecting an audience.'' I deadpan.

Catalina huffs,''I'm jealous! I thought you were dating me!''

''I never said that I was. You decided that for me!'' I argue back.

Ryder stirs and mumbles,''Shut the fuck up. Tryin' to sleep bitch!''

I ssh Ryder and soothe his back,''We can talk about this later Catalina.''

''I'm done with you and all of this bullshit! If you rather be gay with this mean-ass junkie so be it! I'm leaving!'' Catalina exclaims.

''Yay.'' Ryder mumbles.

Big Smoke enters the room and offers to drive Catalina home. She accepts and glares at me. Big Smoke grabs my arm and whispers in my ear,''If you hurt a single hair on Ryder's head I will fucking kill you myself. Don't hurt him again CJ! Ryder lost his mind when you left us the first time! He was constantly drunk, high, and damn near suicidal! He loves you with all of his fucking heart! Remember that! He waited for you for five whole years! He refused to date or even fuck random people! He did try to date Kendl at one point but it's because she looks like you! He was looking for the next best thing! He was looking for you! He is dedicated to you! Fix your fucking self and dedicate yourself to him!''

Big smoke grips my chin and whispers,''Because if you don't love him the way he deserves to be loved. I'll do it.''

Ryder groans,''Are you threatening him? I told you to stop being so jealous! We broke up forever ago Big Smoke! I don't even think we were even a thing...''

''We weren't...'' Big Smoke looks wistful,''But I wish we were...''

Ryder waves him off and whines,''Come here CJ! Cuddle with me!''

I do as he says. Big Smoke is glaring holes through me. I didn't know that he felt that way towards Ryder. I always thought that Big Smoke was straight.

Big Smoke and Catalina leave us alone to cuddle. Ryder moans and rubs his cheek against my shoulder.

Ryder mumbles,''How do you feel about marriage?''

I cock an eyebrow,''What? This is random.''

''Do you want to get married in general? Have you ever thought about it?'' He asks softly.

''Um...yeah...I wouldn't mind getting married to the right person...'' I answer.

''What if you can't get married...for instance it's another man?'' Ryder asks.

''Well...I break the law all of the fucking time. Why would I pick now to care? I would still exchange rings with the man and have a nice beautiful wedding with him regardless of what the law says. Fuck the law. If I am in love with a man enough to want to marry him I will fucking marry him regardless. I don't care if the state doesn't recognize it as valid. It's valid because I said so!'' I exclaim.

Ryder nods,''I agree...Stay with me.''

''I will Ryder! I will!'' I exclaim.

For the first time ever he stradles me on the bed and pulls me in for a kiss. I passionately kiss him back. I moan when the kiss deepens. Ryder is a very passionate kisser so I struggle to keep up. When the kiss breaks he says something to me that I never thought I'd hear him say,''I love you. I love you so much...''

I'm shocked that I just now noticed that he took off his sunglasses his eyes are mesmerizing. His eyes are light brown like raw honey(Like Lamar's eyes from GTA V). When he stands in the sunlight without his glasses they look hazel.

''I love you too.''

He pulls a small box from his pocket he pops it open to reveal a ring,''I know that we can't get married. But I got you this...it's a symbol of our love and dedication to one another...I have a matching ring on...Carl Johnson, will you marry me?''

''Yes!'' I say feeling giddy.

For the first time in a long time, Ryder smiles. It's more of a dopey grin. We share yet another kiss.

I love this side of him, he's so gentle and soft-spoken,''U-um...Cj...I was thinking and um...Catalina told me about your other houses...she also told me about how you love to drive her around the countryside...I want to ride around with you too...I want to see your other houses too...''

I nod,''Okay...how about we go driving today?''

Ryder smiles,''I got a motorcycle for us to use...sorry...for um...beating the shit out of your old one...''

''It's okay baby.'' I say softly,''I'm so excited to plan this wedding.'' I whisper.

''I didn't get to come earlier ya know...'' Ryder says nudging me slightly.

I smile,''What would you like me to do for you baby?''

''Ride me?'' Ryder suggests.

I nod and reach into the side table for my lube.

The rest of the night was filled with sensual massages and lovemaking. Something I never imagined myself doing with Ryder. I just didn't believe it would be possible. Life is just so much better now. Things are really looking up.

On the other hand, I think my brother has noticed our matching rings. His attempts to sabotage us are getting worse.

One day we were sitting down for a meeting and Sweet wouldn't stop attacking Ryder for smoking sherm and being reckless. Kendl was just watching them.

Ryder growls,''Reckless...I'll show you reckless.''

He plops down into my lap and kisses me passionately. I kiss him back as he grinds down on me. I hear Sweet scream in terror.

''Stop!'' Sweet screamed punching at Ryder,''Get the fuck off of him!''

Ryder broke the kiss and yelled,''We're engaged nigga! We might not be able to get legally married but we are getting married! Get over it!''

Sweet frowns,''What? But CJ is straight...right CJ?''

''No,'' I mumbled.

Sweet looks devastated,''I-it's okay! Ryder's really abusive he's just gaslighting you. He's come on to me in the past and he tried to get with Kendl..it's okay if you feel pressured. It's okay to say no to him.''

''Look Sweet, I love him-''

''No you don't! He's been raping you since you were 13! He was a stupid horny 14-year-old that was just using you! He was a 14-year-old boy taking advantage of a 13-year-old boy! He's got you confused!'' Sweet yells.

I stand up and shake my head,''I've always been bisexual Sweet!''

''No! Not my brother! Kendl's over there fucking some Mexican nigga and now you want to fuck a nigga too!? And my best friend at that!? What's wrong with you Ryder? We used to be so close!'' Sweet exclaims.

Ryder sighs,''I'm tired of being in the closet so that everyone will respect and look up to me! I'm tired of this hood nigga shit! I want a better life with better opportunities! I want the freedom to be myself and live how I want to! No more gang shit and slangin' dope! I want what the White folks have! I want peace and happiness! I want to be able to relax in a pool in my own backyard overlooking Los Santos! I want freedom! I want freedom from this lifestyle!''

Sweet shakes his head,''No...you don't mean that...you don't want to leave us do you? Them White folks ain't got nothin'!''

Ryder opened his mouth to argue but Big Smoke grabbed him by his arm,''You've said enough.''

I softly say,''Well anyway, Ryder and I are organizing our wedding. Everyone is welcome to come if they want to.''

Big Smoke stands up,''While we are on the topic...I am currently in a committed relationship with someone that I love very much. And he is a man. I just wanted to get this out of the way.''

Sweet sighs and runs a hand through his hair,''Oh God...what is happening to us?''

Ryder cocks an eyebrow,''Word!? How come you never told me?''

''I've been debating tell everyone for fear of how you'd all react...'' Big Smoke says softly.

I ask,''Who is he? Do we know him?''

''Yes. Yes, you do.'' Big Smoke says looking down,''I'm dating OG Loc.''

The room is silent for a while before Kendl says,''I thought as much. He practically lives at your house now. So I'm guessing he's not dating that Mexican guy anymore?''

''Nope. The guy said that the only reason they were together was because he was lonely in prison. Well...that left OG in tears and I just couldn't handle seeing him like that...I helped him to improve himself and then one thing lead to another...he's now my boyfriend and I love him dearly.'' Big Smoke says.

Ryder lets out a long sigh,''I don't know how I didn't see that coming...''

Sweet hisses,''So what? Kendl are you ready to come out next? What is it? Are you secretly a lesbian? Transgender?''

Kendl shakes her head,''Of course not! It wouldn't matter if I was though.''

Sweet,''I just don't know what to do...I need time alone!''

Sweet fled the house and I felt bad for him. All he wanted to do was bring us together and keep us together but we're all just growing apart naturally. I never thought that my brother would take this so poorly.

My friendship with Cesar has been getting deeper lately. Ryder doesn't approve of it so I've been hiding a lot of it from him. It doesn't seem to be making a difference though.

Recently Cesar has taken a liking to me so we travel around Los Santas looking for Ballas to get rid of.

He's been helping me a lot and I'm grateful for our friendship. One night he comes over to talk to me about something but Ryder decided that he wanted to be a part of the conversation as well.

Cesar has been calling me a lot recently. He seems so nervous all the time. One day he stopped by my house and frantically said,''CJ! CJ! You've got to come see this! You won't believe this! Ryder and Big Smoke-''

Ryder comes down the stairs,''Did you call me Busta?''

Cesar clamps up and says,''I...I need to speak to you alone CJ.''

Ryder gets into fighting stance,''Why?''

Cesar scoffs,''I'm not going to play this game!''

''You're far from home! Why would a Mexican bring his ass all the way over here? You're risking death by doing this. What do you need to speak to him alone for? Just say what you need to say!'' Ryder exclaims.

Cesar glared at Ryder before reaching out to me, he grabs my hand,''CJ I...Come with me-''

Ryder pushes Cesar so hard that he flies into the table,''Don't fucking touch him!''

''Stop being so jealous baby! He was just-'' I couldn't finish my sentence because Ryder and Cesar start throwing hands.

I sigh and work to separate them. After a while, I push Cesar back and say,''I'll hang out with you tomorrow man.''

Cesar says,''I think it's best for Ryder to tell you since he wants to fight over this shit. I hope you know that when you tell CJ what you did Ryder, he's gonna fucking leave your sociopathic ass like he should! You are an evil piece of shit! You don't deserve him!''

Ryder yells,''And you do?''

''No! He deserves someone that didn't kill his-'' Ryder tackled Cesar and started wailing on him. I step outside to ask Sweet for help. After Sweet helped me separate them I reached out to Cesar,''What did you want to tell me?''

Cesar grabs my hand and pulls me outside. Ryder lets out an angry yell. We run straight into Big Smoke,''What are you two up to?''

Why was Big Smoke standing outside of my home?

Big Smoke says softly,''Whatever it is...just remember that is best to keep your head down and your mouth shut. There is no need for us to fight. Life is too short for this drama man...Now, I think it's best for you to go home Cesar. You don't want us to make this harder for you hm?''

Cesar sighs,''Stay away from my family.''

Big Smoke smiles, his smile holds a warning his eyes look stormy,''Then stay away from mine.''

I awkwardly stand there and watch them glare at one another.

Big Smoke looks at me and shakes his head,''How could you hang out with him when you know how much it upsets Ryder? You left him to live in Liberty City. Do you not know how much that hurt him? Are you trying to hurt him again?''

I shake my head.

''Why is it so hard for you to be committed to him?'' Big Smoke asks.

Ryder bursts out of the house and starts throwing hands with Cesar again.

Big Smoke says,''If you don't stop messin' around with that boy Ryder's gonna kill him. And you know for a fact that Ryder will kill him right?''

Ryder pulls a gun from his back pocket.

I scream,''Ryder no! That's my sister's boyfriend man!''

Ryder fires two shots into Cesar's stomach and I rush to pick him up. I carry him to my car and ignore the shouts of the others.

I rush and try to get Cesar to safety a bullet narrowly misses my head. I freeze and watch as Ryder keeps the gun pointed at me.

''Let Big Smoke take him or I will blow your fucking head off!'' Ryder threatens.

''This isn't you baby! It's the Sherm! I know this isn't you! You would never do me like this Ryder!'' I exclaim.

Ryder drops the gun, threads his fingers through his hair in a daze, and passes out.

I rush to carry him into my house. Big Smoke carries Cesar to his car. I'm worried for Cesar but I'm even more worried for Ryder. His skin is burning up. I place him on the couch and he slowly starts to come to. He's scratching and clawing at me while letting out weird moans and sighs.

Then he starts to scream and thrash around. He starts to fight me away from him and I'm terrified.

I'm startled by my brother rushing to the refrigerator to get something.

My brother runs back in the room,''He needs some milk! That nigga needs some milk!'' My brother trips and falls flat on his face and I couldn't hold back my laughter.

What the fuck is happening to us?

We're like a bunch of silly cartoon characters at this point.

Ryder is screaming and clutching me for dear life. I'm scared that he's going to overdose on this shit.

Sweet forces Ryder to drink milk. Most of it dribbles down his chin as he frantically tries to get away from him.

Fuck.

This is not looking good.

I try to get him to notice me by shaking him,''Ryder! Ryder!''

He's not listening or he probably can't hear me through his drug-fueled haze.

I try again,''Lance! Hey Lancey!''

Ryder freezes,''How do you know my real name? Are you a government agent?''

''No. I am your husband?'' I say quirking an eyebrow.

Ryder frowns at me,''I'm gay?''

''Yeah I guess?'' I reply.

''Oh.'' Ryder replies and shrugs.

''Okay...'' I reply, I'm worried and exhausted at this point.

''How old am I?'' Ryder asks,

I am really worried now.

Ryder slowly blinks a few times before falling asleep.

Okay...

''I think he needs to go to the hospital,'' I say shaking my head.

We get him to the hospital and I'm nervous about the police getting involved.

After Ryder recovers he promises me that he'll never use sherm again. I really hope he doesn't. Life is already complicated as it is.

This is only an introduction to our madness. My life is filled with never-ending tribulations and this is only the beginning.

A/N: This story is the beginning of a GTA series I titled: Tribulations it spans throughout pretty much all of the GTA series. Pretty much everyone will show up in this series since I love all of the games! The series is long and complicated and everyone gets a turn in the spotlight. Or at least I tried to make that happen LOL. I have a new Vice City series titled: True love and Devotion that I am posting as well. This story is the first story in my Tribulations series.