Meredith woke up, a sharp pain as she tried to open her eyes. Her head was pounded from the heavy drinking. She looked around, startled by the man laying next to her. She tried to remember exactly what happened the night before but it was a blur of events. She realized she was completely naked under the sheet, a gasp as she remembered what happened. She quickly shook the body next to her, a groan escaping from him.
"What time is it?" He mumbled.
"Early, you need to sneak out," she said in a hushed tone.
"You kicking me out already?" He asked, blinking a few times.
"Yes. I have roommates, they can't see you," she said as she tried to push him from her bed.
"Five more minutes," he said, turning and putting his arms around her.
"Derek, I'm serious," she said as she pulled away from him.
"I knew you were going to regret this," he sighed, sitting up and looking for his clothes.
"Not that. I mean there's a lot of history and it's complicated," she shook her head. She didn't know how to tell him this couldn't happen. She couldn't risk falling in love with him all over again just to have her heart ripped out of her chest.
"It's only complicated if you make it," he said, finding his pants in the floor and pulling them to his waist.
"No, it is complicated. You're my boss, my bosses boss. I'm an intern, you're an attending. And you are divorced with a kid!" She said.
"Meredith, we need to talk. Like a real talk," he said to her, finding his sweater.
"Not now, now you have to leave," she said as she quickly got dressed herself.
"Can we at least talk later? Say dinner at my place?" He offered.
"If I say yes, will you hurry up?" She asked.
"Yes," he nodded.
"Then yes, but you have to leave now," she said as she opened her door, looking to see if anyone was awake. She walked him down quietly and out the back door.
"Who you sneaking out of here?" Cristina asked as she came around the corner.
"Shit, you scared me," Meredith replied.
"You didn't answer me, I heard you two last night," Cristina said, walking to the coffee pot and starting coffee for them.
"I screwed up," Meredith frowned, looking at her home that was a disaster.
"What did you do?" Cristina groaned.
"I slept with Derek," Meredith mumbled.
"Seriously! The dude has a kid and an attending. That's like suicide for an intern," Cristina said.
"Yeah and I agreed to have dinner with him tonight," Meredith sighed.
"Jesus, are you trying to date the man?" Cristina asked, pouring herself some coffee into a travel mug.
"No, I just want to talk. We have a lot of history Cris," Meredith said.
"Sounds messy, I'd run."
"I can't exactly ignore him forever. Just need to clear the air and move on with my life."
"Whatever. I heard Richard hired a new cardio attending. Maybe I can finally get some practice in," Cristina said, changing the subject.
"Jesus, what happened last night?" George asked, coming from the living room. His hair was a complete mess, his shirt was on inside out and he looked like a complete mess.
"Are you off today?" Meredith asked him.
"Yeah," he slowly walked over to the coffee pot.
"Good, it's your turn for groceries. List is on the fridge and please don't forget the tampons," Meredith said, he hadn't gotten them the last time he went shopping.
"I'm a man, I don't buy tampons," he said with wide eyes.
"You live with three women, grow a pair," Cristina said with an eye roll.
"I gotta go get dressed," Meredith said, putting her cup into the sink.
"I thought you were off today," Cristina questioned.
"I'm just going to check on some patients," Meredith replied, hurrying upstairs. She needed a shower, she could still feel his scent lingering on her skin. She couldn't believe she actually agreed to go to his house. She didn't know exactly what she was thinking. She had just got out of the shower and back into her bedroom as her phone begin ringing. She grabbed it, confused as the number wasn't saved in her phone.
"Hello?" She answered.
"Hey, it's Derek."
"How'd you get my number?"
"You gave it to me, anyway surgery got cancelled and I'm free the rest of the day. Want to come over now?" He asked. She wasn't sure what to say, she wasn't prepared to go this early.
"Sure, what's your address?" She asked, grabbing a pen from her nightstand and quickly wrote the address down. It was just a few street down, she had enough time to blow dry her hair and get clothes on before she headed out. The house was empty and still a disaster. Izzie was going to clean up when she got off later whether she wanted to or not.
Meredith's heart raced as she drove the few streets over to his home. She got out, slowly walking to the front door. She rang the doorbell a bit before he answered it. She looked past him at the inside of his home, it looked nothing like she would picture. His first home in Seattle only had the bare necessities, this one was decorated completely with pictures hanging on the walls.
"Come in," he smiled, he was dressed in a comfy sweater and jeans.
"I'm glad to see you actually decorated this one," she joked as she looked around.
"Made it an actual home, come have a seat," he offered as he took her into the living room. She sat on the opposite side of the sofa to him.
"So what did you want to talk about?" She asked.
"Just want to catch up, and say I'm sorry about your mom. I tried calling, I really did. The landline rang multiple times. I was always too nervous to leave a voicemail," he said.
"It's fine, it was in the past. You wanna tell me how you made your way back to Seattle?" She asked.
"Oh that is a long story, another time."
"Well what about her mom? You always said when you got married, it was forever," she said with a raised brow.
"Addison is great, she's a good mom and actually works over at Mercy West. She moved here after I did, said that Grace needed her dad and the custody agreement didn't work. Also helped that Mercy West offered her double her pay. We just had too many differences," he said, shaking his head.
"You said your sister lives here too?" She asked.
"She moved here before I did. It's my little sister Amelia. She started her internship at Mercy West five years ago. She's now a Neuro Attending always trying to show me up," he laughed, shaking his head.
"Wow, and Mark moved here too? Seems like everyone followed you out here," she laughed.
"He moved because he missed me, didn't have anything tying him down in New York. Plus it gives my mom a reason to fly out here every so often instead of me and Amy flying out there," he chuckled.
"That's crazy, you remember how my dad had two other daughters?"
"Yeah, one of them was close to your age right?" He asked.
"Yeah, she's actually an intern too. Wanna know something even funnier?" She chuckled.
"Go for it," he laughed lightly.
"Mark actually slept with her, before he knew she was an intern," Meredith couldn't help but laugh.
"Sounds like Mark," he laughed too.
"So tell me the real reason I'm here," Meredith said, she was enjoying their conversation but she still felt odd talking to him. It was just so natural with him, they laughed and joked like they did ten years ago.
"I just wanted to say all those years ago, I thought what we had was a rebound. It was a great friendship and I fell in love with you in a way I was scared of. After the incident with your mom, I was humiliated and scared so I ran. I told myself it was just a fling, I lied to myself for years because Meredith, I was in love with you. It was always you, I tried loving Addison in the way that I loved you but one day I just stopped trying. I thought I'd never see you again, I came to Seattle a few years ago, hoping to find you. When I realized you weren't here and I drove by your house and seen someone new living there I gave up. I lost all hope of find that love again. Then you showed up out of nowhere, in that bar and my heart started beating again," he said as tears welled up in his eyes. She could tell what he was saying was genuine. She had never seen him in this way, the way he was speaking was so broken.
"It's just so much bad blood and things you don't know," she said, shaking her head at him.
"I know I hurt you and I'm apologizing. I just want you to forgive me. I'm not asking for a relationship but you were an amazing friend," he asked. She couldn't help but remember everything in the years after he left. She had done so many things she didn't know she was even capable of.
"That's just it. There's just things I did that were unforgivable," she said, shaking her head. She tried to hold back the tears.
"Just tell me, if it will make you feel better. I can handle it, I hurt you and I won't hold anything you did accountable for," he said, trying to reach out to her.
"I just- I've never told anyone. Even Cristina, my best friend that I don't keep secrets from. It was hard, the hardest thing I've ever done in my life," she stuttered, she couldn't even say the words out loud. She put her hand on her chest, trying to ease the tightness.
"Mer, please," he asked again.
"I got pregnant. That night we were together. The last time, I didn't know. I didn't even find out for months. I was already making rounds in Europe when I got sick. It all just is a blur really," she said as tears begin falling.
"We have a child," he choked out, she saw the look of horror on his face. She breathed deeply, knowing the next words would destroy her.
"Had. I gave birth to her when I was 26 weeks. She lived for 5 days," Meredith said as tears rushed down her cheeks. She couldn't hold back the stabbing feeling.
"It was a girl," he frowned as he had tears running down his cheeks as well.
"I held her in her last hours. God she looked just like you. When I saw your daughter I could see her, I had managed to keep her memory in a dark place. It broke me Derek," Meredith stammered as she could barely speak through the tears and pain of memories she never fully worked through.
"Why? Why didn't you tell me?" He stuttered, looking at her. He had a look of pain in his eyes as he looked at her.
"You were moving on and when I seen you with her, it broke my heart. It made me feel like I wasn't important to you," Meredith cried harder, she had never told anyone how she felt in those days. It was the darkest point in her life, she was truly alone.
"I feel awful. You shouldn't have went through that alone," he said, shaking his head.
"At the time, I thought it was best. I still think about her from time to time, I still remember how her tiny body felt in my arms. When they removed all the tubes and finally put her into my arms, it didn't even feel like holding anything except a blanket," Meredith said, pausing to try and not completely fall apart in his home. He shook his head, he wasn't holding back the tears as they fell freely down his cheeks.
"I'm so sorry I let you do that alone, I shouldn't have left," he said, wiping his tears as more fell.
"We were young, it would have never worked. You were right," she said with a scoff. She hated telling him that he was right.
"Did you-?" He started then quickly changed his mind.
"I kept her ashes. There wasn't much, they put her into a tiny box. They are in my closet, along with her little blanket and a hat they had made for her," she sighed. She had them in the bottom of her dresser hidden, she hadn't looked at them much at all. It made her feel like she still had a piece of her left.
"Did you take any pictures?" He asked lightly.
"Yeah, I have one Polaroid," she said, grabbing her purse that she rarely carried with her, she dug through, finding the little pouch as she pulled out the tiny faded picture. It had her name, birthday, and weight written across the bottom.
"You named her Olivia Grace," he got choked up as he looked at the picture.
"I did. I remembered how much you liked that. It's a little ironic how you always said Grace wasn't a first name. I can't believe you named your daughter my favorite name," she laughed, shaking her head.
"Addison insisted, we fought for months on her name. We actually agreed on Adrienne but she was born, Addison changed her mind last second and I didn't really have much of a say," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm not mad, it just brought back all those feelings when you said her name for the first time," she sighed.
"She does look like me but she has your nose," he smiled, looking up at her.
"The only thing she did get from me," Meredith felt so relieved finally talking about her.
"Thank you for telling me," he said, grabbing her into a hug. She felt safe in his arms as he held her. They were both finally grieving their loss that Meredith had let weigh on her for years.
Author's note: sorry this chapter is a little short, but finally got a look into his past and exactly what happened to baby Olivia. It made me so sad writing that, but I knew Meredith would have never been able to give her up for adoption and it was what really made her so dark and twisty.
thank you all for such kind words, you have no idea how happy I am to write this. I have fallen in love with this story and the plans I have for it. Thank you for ever review, I read each one and get excited seeing so many of you love this story as it is near and dear to my heart. Meredith and Derek will always deserve a better ending and I hope you all have a fantastic day. Thank you for reading and favoriting and reviewing!