Kurt sat in the Glee room, watching his stepbrother write on the whiteboard, his nerves kicking in just a little. Normally, he didn't really get nervous about singing in front of the Glee kids, at least not anymore, but this performance was different. It was deeply personal, a song that meant so much to him, meant so much to Blaine.
He looked down at the boy in front of him, who was watching Finn intently as he spoke to Santana. My sweet, cute Blaine. Performing this song was his idea when we talked to Finn last night, and I'm both nervous and excited to share one of the things we do every morning on our way to school to give us courage and strength to get through the day. I wish we could sit next to each other so I could hold his hand. We came in rather late, though, so I guess it's our own fault there weren't any open, side-by-side seats. Still, I feel like I could use his strength right now. He heard something about "fetus face" from Santana and decided he should pay attention to what Finn was saying. Maybe that will take my mind off my nerves.
"Glee is about learning how to accept yourself for-for who you are, no matter what other people think, and that's what this music is all about."
"So, wait," Santana cut in. "I don't even get a say in this? Not cool."
Kurt rolled his eyes. He knew she would appreciate what Finn was trying to do for her later, but when she was upset or embarrassed, Santana could be vicious. I hope she'll be nice about our song, see how we just want to accept her for the beautiful person she is.
"Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany," Finn was saying, his voice much softer and more serious now.
Kurt recognized the tone as the same one Finn had used when he'd asked him and Blaine about their experiences with coming out and being bullied. They'd all sat down in the basement the night before, and Finn had asked as many questions as he could think of, wanting to be prepared for the lesson that week. The voice he was using now was the same one he'd used when he'd once again apologized for how he'd treated Kurt before their parents got married, when he'd apologized to Blaine with tears in his eyes for how much bullying he'd taken at his old school, even though none of it had been his fault. He's really trying here, and I hope Santana can see it. It was moving last night, and it's not any less so now.
"And we don't judge you for it. We celebrate it because it's who you are. And look. I know not everybody outside of this room is as accepting and cool, but we're doing this assignment this week so that you know—in this rotten, stinking, mean world—that you at least have a group of people who will support your choice to be whoever you wanna be. That's it. That's what we're doing here," Finn said.
I wish I'd had someone at school to support me like that, Kurt thought, taking a deep breath. If this school had been just a little more accepting, maybe I wouldn't have tried lying to everyone, including myself, about who I was. Then again… He glanced at the head of dark hair in front of him, a smile forming on his lips. He could see Finn turning toward them, ushering them to the front. I wouldn't have Blaine if it wasn't for my story and my past. And I guess that's why Blaine and I have this song. We've had to fight to be who we are, and we both know what it's like to struggle. Now, we have each other, and we're happy. Safe. In love with the perfect and imperfect versions of each other that we are. And we're willing to share something so intimate and special with Santana, put it all out there, so she can find that love and acceptance, too. Here goes nothing.
"Blaine. Kurt," Finn said by way of introduction, taking a seat.
As they took their places at the front of the room, Blaine turned to Kurt, and Kurt gave him a soft little smile.
"Santana, Kurt and I have a song we like to sing to each other in the car," Blaine began, glancing at Kurt when he said his name, like he almost always did, "and we want to sing that for you right now."
Santana opened her mouth to respond.
Here comes the snark. Kurt braced himself. He could see it written plainly on her face.
"While there's nothing I'd love more than having two pretty ponies serenade me, I think we'd get further staging an gel-ervention for Blaine than singing lady music."
That's gonna hurt his feelings. Blaine's very sensitive about his hair gel. I'll have to talk to him about that when we're done. Focus. This is for Santana. "I know it's hard. It was hard for me, too. But you can get through this."
"If you would just stop being so defensive," Blaine added.
I can hear the hurt in his voice. My poor Blainers, Kurt thought.
"I'm trying," Santana insisted. Kurt thought she was doing her best to look cool as a cucumber, arguing against the part of herself that wanted to be emotional in front of her classmates. "But your hideous bow ties are provoking me."
Again with the attacks. I hope he knows she doesn't mean that.
"Wait. Are we talking lady on lady or girl on girl?" Puck asked, slicing through the tension forming in the room.
Kurt rolled his eyes, reaching out for a brief moment to squeeze Blaine's hand reassuringly. "You okay?" he mouthed.
Blaine nodded once in response.
"Cuz there's a big difference," Puck added.
To Kurt's relief, Mr. Schue jumped in to put an end to the asinine remarks. "Puck, focus. Okay?" He chuckled for a moment, turning back to them. "Kurt, Blaine, why don't you, uh, kick us off with what you got?"
Glancing Blaine's way, Kurt gave a small, imperceptible nod and began to sing.
"Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way it's all good'
It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessin'
Underestimated
Look, I'm still around"
I'd say I made more than a few wrong turns in my life yet look at where I am now. I'm out, I'm proud, I'm dating the best boy—whom I never dreamed I could find in Ohio—and I'm running for senior class president, though I'm not sure I have a chance in hell of winning. All my dreams rest on New York and my future at NYADA, and while they're not a sure thing, despite everything I've faced, I'm still here. And I'm happy, much happier than I was even a year ago. He gave a quick shoulder wobble in Santana's direction at the end of the verse, hoping he'd persuade her into a better mood with some light-hearted antics. She didn't look pleased, so he turned to face Blaine as he came up from where he'd been standing by the piano, undoubtedly staring at Kurt, to join in.
"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect"
They could barely stop staring at each other, Kurt getting lost in Blaine's eyes, reveling in how much the words of the song meant to them. 'You are perfect to me. I don't want to change anything about who you are, and I love you. Don't be someone you're not to make the world happy.' How many times have we whispered some variation of those words to one another, kissed in the car to this song, sang it at the top of our lungs while we held hands and drove around aimlessly? It's like the soundtrack of our whole relationship so far.
Next came the fun rapping part, the part Kurt loved to watch Blaine perform with his emotional eyes and expressive eyebrows.
"The whole world's scared, so I (Swallow the fear)
The only thing I should be drinking is an (Ice cold beer)
So cool in line, and we (Try try try)
But we (Try too hard), and it's a (Waste of my time)
Done looking for the critics, 'cause they're (Everywhere)
They don't like my jeans, they don't (Get my hair)
Strange ourselves, and we (Do it all the time)
(Why do we do that?) Why do I do that?"
Kurt couldn't hold back the smile that lit up his face as he watched Blaine getting into the performance of the song. He's a born performer, and I never get tired of watching him like this. He's perfect.
"Yeah, ohh...
Oh pretty, pretty please
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You are perfect to me"
Kurt could tell that Blaine sang the last "to me" to him, and he wondered if he'd been having similar thoughts while they sang. He could feel the look of adoration in Blaine's eyes, and it made him smile wider as he felt his boyfriend wrap an arm around his back, clapping the other one down on his shoulder and giving him a quick squeeze, though Kurt wished they could do more. Then, everyone started to cheer, and the moment was broken, both of them looking back at Santana to see if they'd helped her find a bit more peace with the person she was.
"Thank you, guys," Santana said.
For a moment, Kurt was sure she was going to be sincere. Maybe we did get through.
"Thank you, Finn, especially." Her dark eyes turned back toward them, a fire raging there.
And now the angst comes out, he thought, rolling his eyes.
"You know, with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life, now I get to add that." She looked at Kurt and Blaine intently, and Kurt could read the anger bubbling beneath the surface of her words. She clapped condescendingly, staring them both in the eyes as if daring them to react.
Kurt's smile fell, and he immediately felt as if something sacred had been fractured. She called it crap. Our performance and our song—our sacred song—crap! So, as the bell rang, he left the room.
"Kurt, wait!" Blaine called after him. "Kurt?"
Kurt ducked into the doorway of an empty classroom, throwing an arm across his face as a few tears began to fall.
"Hey," Blaine said, catching up. He moved in close, wrapping his arms around Kurt from the side. "Hey, what's wrong?"
"We were just trying to help, Blaine," Kurt whispered. "We were just trying to help, and she was so mean. I know she's angry. I know she's hurt, but she was mean, and now I feel like our sacred song, the song that we had for just us… It feels like it's ruined."
"It's not ruined," Blaine declared. "Not at all."
"How can you say that? She mocked us. She mocked you—your hair and your bow ties—and she mocked our song. Are-are you okay?"
"Because the meaning hasn't changed. I still love you, Kurt, for exactly who you are. I still think you're perfect, and it doesn't matter what Santana thinks about our song. All that matters is what we think. Do you still believe it, believe me when I say that you are perfect to me?"
Kurt nodded.
"Do you still love me?"
Kurt nodded again, wiping his tears on his arm before looking over at Blaine. He's wearing that cute smile again. How could I not love him?
"Still think I'm perfect?" The smile spread broader across his face.
With a giggle, Kurt nodded again. "So perfect."
"Then it's still our song, our song about how wonderful and perfect and amazing I think you are. And yes, I'm okay. As long as you love me, I don't care what anyone else thinks about my hair gel or my bow ties."
"Cheese," Kurt whispered, pulling Blaine into a real hug. "You're a great big cheese. But I love you. Wonderful, perfect, amazing you," he parroted. God, do I love you. Nothing else I've ever said has been truer. You are perfect to me.
"I love you, too," Blaine told him, wiping a lone tear off Kurt's face that he'd missed and then offering him his arm. "Now, shall we get our stuff from our lockers and go back to your house to study?"
"I think we shall," Kurt agreed, taking his arm. If this isn't what finding your soulmate feels like, I don't know what would. He hummed softly, "You are perfect to me."