Meredith laid in her bed, staring as she fan turned clockwise. She couldn't move, her body felt completely numb. Exhaustion overwhelmed her, she managed to get a few hours of rest between tossing and turning. It had been two days since she last spoke with him, those felt like the longest days of her life. She wanted to call in again, like she had been but she knew life couldn't wait on her. She wondered how Grace was, Lexie had told Meredith they were weaning her off the vent the previous day but no other news about her. She heard voices coming from behind her closed door.
"What am I suppose to do? She can't miss work again," George said in what he thought was a hushed tone.
"I don't know, I've only known her for a few months. I tried talking to her yesterday but I don't know what's up," Lexie replied.
"I can hear you," Meredith said loudly, rolling out of bed. Her hair was a complete mess, she showed no emotion as she swung the door open to Lexie and George standing there awkwardly.
"Hey Mer, I'm glad your up. I made you breakfast," Lexie offered.
"Not hungry," she said as she shook her head.
"What happened Meredith?" George asked, Lexie immediately hit his stomach and glared at him.
"Nothing, I'm going to meet you guys at the hospital so you can leave now," Meredith said as she slammed her door. She felt the tears trying to escape her eyes, she quickly blinked them away before they fell. She couldn't let him stop her like he did in the past. She can't run away from her problems, she was a grown woman now.
She went into her bathroom, stripping herself before stepping into the shower. She closed the door, letting the water wash away the tears. She was still so distraught over the fact he had said that to her. The words continued to loop themselves through her brain. The coldness in his eyes as he said it just brought back so many bad memories. No matter how much he said he had changed, he had fooled her once again. He said he would be a better man, one that wouldn't hurt her ever again. Here she was, standing in the shower, unable to wash herself because the tears blurred her vision. She turned the water off, stepping out and grabbing a towel. She toweled her face and body, looking at herself in the mirror. She felt disgusting, her eyes red and puffy from the tears. She didn't want to leave her home, the place where she didn't have to ever see his face again. It was almost irrational, she felt like a little girl again. Her whole life had been filled with pain and heartbreak but this hurt almost as bad as loosing Olivia.
She doesn't remember driving to the hospital, her hair still damp from the inability to dry her hair in such a short time. She changed into her scrubs in silence, everyone had already hurried off to rounds. She looked at herself once again, hoping no one would notice the coldness in her eyes. She went into the halls, finding Bailey who just looked her up and down.
"Grey, you're late. You missed rounds," Bailey spoke up from her chart she was looking into.
"Sorry, just stick me in the pit," Meredith sighed, knowing that's where she'd end up anyway.
"No, you're on post-ops for lady Shepherd and Altman," Bailey said as she handed her the stack of charts.
"Bailey, I can't," Meredith said, trying to hand them back to her. Miranda raised her brow, changing her stance.
"Excuse me? Grey get out of your head. If you aren't going to be a doctor today, I advise you just go home instead of wasting my time," Bailey replied before turning and walking off. Meredith looked down at the charts, starting with the first and moving down the list.
Her heart stopped, she saw the name on the last chart as she finished up with the previous charts. She couldn't do it, she couldn't see him. She knew he would be there, by her bedside and she couldn't face him. They were in limbo, one she didn't have the strength to fight for right now. She didn't know what she wanted anymore, if she could ever forgive him. She prepared herself as she walked to her room. She knocked, before opening the door.
"Good morning Grace, how are you feeling?" Meredith asked, trying to avoid any eye contact with Derek who watched her every move. She knew he wanted to speak to her but she didn't want to speak to him.
"I'm sleepy, then nurses kept coming in here all night long," she said with a frown, holding out her arm for Meredith to take her blood pressure.
"I know it sucks. The nurses can sometimes be pushy when they want to take extra care of someone," Meredith offered her a small smile. She liked Grace, she was innocent in the whole thing. She couldn't be mad at her or give her insufficient care just based on the actions of her father.
"That's what daddy says," she said as she watched Meredith writing in her chart.
"I'm going to take some blood if that's alright and get you another round of fluids for your IV," Meredith asked as she grabbed the stuff to restart her IV.
"Ok, why can't I just keep the one in?" She asked as she held up her left hand.
"Well sometimes the needle can become lose in your vein and we don't want that. It could cause an infection," Meredith explained as she took the girls opposite arm and started feeling for a vein.
"Do you need you dad to hold your hand?" Meredith asked as she stopped and waited for her answer.
"No, I'm ok," she said, shaking her head.
"Man, you're so brave. I can't believe how amazing you have been doing," Meredith offered her a smile as she got the needle ready, "ok Grace. I'm going to count to three and it's only going to hurt for a second."
"Ok," Grace nodded, watching as Meredith inserted the needle and threaded it to the vein. It was quick and easy, which was unusual for heart patients.
"Perfect, now make sure you don't tug on it or it will come out," Meredith said as she drew four tubes of blood.
"I know," she replied, a weak smile coming from her fragile body.
"I'm going to get the test running and Dr. Altman will come visit you shortly," Meredith said with a smile, taking the bag of vials as she walked out. Her heart wouldn't stop pounding out of her chest, she barely looked at him but she knew he was watching her and waiting for her to speak.
"Meredith," she heard his voice coming from behind her.
"It's Dr. Grey," she quickly corrected him, trying not to stop walking away from him.
"Please wait," he asked, following her.
"You should get back to her, she needs you," Meredith replied, refusing to look at him as she pressed the elevator button. She knew if she looked at him, he would give her those sad eyes and she would immediately burst into tears. She hated this, this feeling she had inside of her. It was like her brain and her heart were at war.
"I need you, please," he said in a whisper as he got closer to her.
"Stop, just stop. Okay? Leave. Me. Alone," she hissed under her breath, stepping on the elevator. She finally looked at him, the pain clearly in his eyes. She didn't look away as the door shut in his face. She let out a deep breath, trying to hold herself together. She knew he would try and talk to her, try and fix what he said but she couldn't forget what he said to her. She kept herself together as the elevator came to a stop, opening up to see another face she wasn't prepared for.
"Grey, where are those charts?" Bailey asked as she stood there, her hand placed on her hip.
"They are at the nurses station. I'm dropping off these labs and going to the pit," Meredith said as she held up the specimen from Grace.
"You're on Sloan's service for the rest of the day, he is in the pit," she replied. Meredith couldn't help but let out a groan. That was the last thing she wanted. She wasn't a fan of plastics, it was all butt lifts and breast augmentations.
She decided not to argue with Bailey and just turned to find Mark. She barely knew him, but she did know he was Derek's best friend so he probably knew about what happened. She didn't want to talk to him about it, she hoped he wouldn't bring it up. She got on to the elevator and went down to the pit. She asked one of the nurses which room he was in and then went to trauma bay 2.
"What do you got?" Meredith asked, her eyes bulged when she saw the woman laying there. Over half her body covered in burns.
"32 year old female, she was trapped in a house fire. I need labs done," he said as he worked patiently on her skin to cover the burns with gauze.
"I can," she nodded, grabbing the stuff to draw her blood and went to the woman's arm. She was shocked, terrified to touch the burnt flesh.
"Grey, make sure you don't put too much pressure. Her body is in shock, but she's on a sedative to keep her from feeling the pain," he said looking up just briefly. Meredith nodded, taking a deep breath before slowly inserting the needle and draining a few tubes of blood.
"I'm going to take these to the lab and put a rush in one them," Meredith said as she placed the labels on the tubes and put them into a hazard bag.
"On the way back, can you grab me a bone dry cappuccino?" He asked. Meredith sighed, nodding at him. She left and went to the lab, placing them on the table. She left to go to the coffee cart, ordering Sloan a coffee. She took her time getting back to the lab, taking the long way in hopes they would be back by the time she got back.
She grabbed the results from the tech and read over them. She immediately went back to Sloan, she opened the door, putting his cappuccino to the side.
"Sloan, I got her lab results back," she said as she handed him the paper.
"High WBC count, what's the main reason for high wbc count in burn victims?" Mark asked up at Meredith.
"It could be stress, or an infection," Meredith replied.
"What's the treatment?" He asked.
"We can wait, keep an eye on them. Give her a dose of IV antibiotics to treat infections," she rambled off.
"Great, get an IV started," he motioned as he already ordered antibiotics.
"Did you know she had an infection?" Meredith asked as she started prepping the patient.
"When you've been doing this as long as I have, you learn a few things. I always order antibiotics for burn victims because they are like one big open wound. Prone to infections," he stated as he continued to work carefully on the woman's body. They sat in silence as Meredith carefully inserted and IV into the least burnt flesh on her body.
"Derek told me what happened," Mark finally spoke up, breaking the silence in between them. She was shocked, she knew they were best friends but she didn't know he told him everything.
"He did what?" Meredith said with wide eyes, she couldn't believe it.
"Relax, he didn't tell me the horrible thing he said. He just said you would never forgive him for what he said," Mark said, glancing up at her.
"I will never forget those words he said. It was like a stab in the back," Meredith said, shaking her head.
"He's terrified to lose you, like I've never seen him so distraught. I know it has a lot to do with what's going on with Grace but he can't lose the both of you."
"I hate that for him, I really do but it wasn't right. He should have never said it," Meredith said, trying to hold back tears. She had no idea why she was talking to Mark about this. She didn't talk to anyone about her problems, she had always just kept to herself and let it all build up inside of her. That was her coping mechanism, to shut everyone out and deal with her own problems.
"He probably shouldn't have, but you also have to understand what he is going through," Mark replied as he was placing another graft beside the other.
"I do, losing a child- the thought of losing a child. Well that's just something I'd never wish on anyone," Meredith felt the tears well in her eyes as she got the IV attached and started flowing dripping the antibiotics into her body.
"Then you should understand how terrified he is. That little girl is his entire world. Without her, he'd be a different person. She helped him realize what's important in life, that's what a kid does to you. I never seen myself settling down, ever. After Sophia was born, I was still shocked how much I could love someone. Lexie came along and she is just, man she's perfect," he said with a smile across his face. Meredith remembered how Derek use to tell stories about Mark, how he would never settle down and would be an 80 year old man still trying to swing the ladies.
"I get that, but there's no excuse for what he said. I can't forget it, just the look on his face was-"
"It was a scared father, " he said, looking up at her and shaking his head. "Look you don't have to forget it, you have to learn how to forgive him for it. I can say with every single bit of my being that he didn't mean to hurt you," Mark said with an assured look on his face. Meredith knew he was right, deep down she knew he was scared. She knew exactly how he was feeling.
"I gotta go," Meredith turned and quickly walked out of the room. She knew he was right, and she couldn't hold it against him. He was in pain, hurting, and in his mind he wasn't thinking clearly. She didn't want to make excuses for him, because in reality there were no excuses. She could continue to stay mad but she wanted to be different, she wanted to forgive him for his mistake.
As she turned the corner, she saw him sitting on the floor. His knees were up to his chest, his face buried into his hands as he sat there. Her heart was breaking for him. She didn't want him to feel the pain of losing a child like she had to, and if he did she didn't want him to be alone in the matter. She slowly approached him on the floor, glancing into her room. She was asleep, she looked peaceful laying there but as she looked down, she knew something was wrong. She immediately got down to his level, sitting directly next to him as she reached over to grab his knee.
"Hey," she offered in a whisper, he looked up at her. His face red and puffy from the crying, she felt like someone was squeezing her heart as she looked at him.
"Hey," he croaked, trying to smile as he looked at her.
"You don't have to fake it anymore. I can't forget what you said, but I can forgive you," she said, gently squeezing his knee.
"I'm sorry, I just- I can't lose her. I've never loved someone like I love her," he croaked as the tears began to steam again.
"I know," she nodded, running her hand across his leg as she tried her best to comfort him. "I know you were scared and you didn't know what else to say. I forgive you."
"I will do anything to make it up to you. I can't lose you again," he frowned, trying to calm himself. She immediately reached over caressing his cheek.
"I believe that, and I know you were hurting. But that hurt me too. And I can learn to forgive you. We can focus on that later because right now, in this very moment, you need me and I will be here," she whispered and offered a smile. She didn't know where that came from but she knew deep down, she needed him as much as he needed her.
"Thank you," he said as he choked back tears as he looked softly at her.
"Now go back in there because she needs you right now. Don't worry about us, she needs your strength," she said, standing up and reaching out her hand. He placed his into hers as he stood from the ground, wiping the tears from his eyes. She knew he was sorry, and they could work on that in the future. She knew his daughter needed him much like Olivia needed her.