She looked around her, the same room as before. Her body was shaking as she stared at the blank wall. Her body trembled as she heard the cries get louder and louder. Her body felt paralyzed as the handless door swung open. A young woman with no face stood there, holding a screaming baby in her arms.
"Please help me," the woman begged, holding out the baby to Meredith. She tried reaching out but it was like her arms weighed a ton.
"You have to do something!" The woman screamed again. Her voice was so familiar, but she couldn't comprehend the face. She tried to speak, but no words came out. She felt an overwhelming rush of wind coming from the open window that appeared, knocking the infant from the woman's arms and to the ground. Meredith couldn't fight the paralyzed feeling as she watched the baby fall to the floor, tears rushing down her face. It was like a force took over her, blinking a few times before she heard a loud beeping.
Her eyes flew open, her body covered in a cold sweat. She immediately grabbed the pager laying next to her head on the on-call bed. She couldn't shake the feeling of the dream. It was like she was really living it, her memory couldn't recall what the woman or the baby looked like. She turned her head, looking at the sleeping man beside her. This was the first time she had gotten to sleep in the same bed with him in almost a month. He spent almost every night with Grace in her room since she had her surgery. She had chosen to not bring up their problems, letting them go until Grace was better.
"Whose paging you at this hour?" He let out a groan, moving from the position he had been sleeping in since they laid down hours ago.
"Lexie," Meredith sighed, turning to look at him. He looked so distraught, his eyes had bags for days laying underneath them. She felt awful for waking him up.
"I miss laying with you at night," he murmured into her ear.
"I miss you too but Grace needs you a lot more than I need you," she said to him, placing a soft kiss against his lips.
"I should go check on her," he said, sitting up in the tiny bed they had to share.
"You should. I want to tell you something," she said with a small gulp. She hated opening up to people, but she had to learn to let him in.
"What's up?" He said, stopping immediately and looking at her.
"Im glad that page woke me up. I was having another one of those nightmares," she said, feeling like a scared child as she talked to him. She knew they were only going to get worse, and he knew of a few times she had them with him sleeping beside her but lately they have gotten worse. It was almost every night, she knew it was just a bad dream but they weren't going away with everything she had tried.
"Again?" He asked.
"I haven't wanted to bother you but they have been getting more and more vivid and scarier. I just don't know, I thought maybe if I talked about them they will go away," she admitted. She hoped they would eventually just stop, but it was like the longer she had them, the worse they go.
"I'm glad you're talking to me but Mer, I don't know how to help with that," he said with a frown.
"I just need you to listen, what do you think I should do? I don't even want to close my eyes. It's like I'm always there," she said, feeling her chest tighten as she spoke about the nightmare.
"Have you thought about therapy? Maybe it can help you find ways to help?" He offered.
"I don't need a shrink, I mean there isn't anything wrong with me," she immediately shut him down. She didn't want to talk to some stranger about her problems, she wanted to finally let him in and he didn't have the answers she was looking for.
"I don't know Mer, you've had a lot of things go bad in your life. If I knew how to give you the answers, I would. It sounds psychological and I may be good at brains but unless it's a tumor I don't have the answers," he frowned lightly, putting his hand onto her knee, "I know you hate the idea of sharing your problems. I get that, but sometimes it's what is best for someone. It helped a lot, coping with my dad's death."
"I don't know, I'll think about it," she let out a deep sigh, shaking her head. She knew he was right, she needed professional help. She didn't want to go see a shrink, it was against everything she had always believed.
"I'm going to Grace's room, I'll see you later," he left her with a quick kiss, offering a small smile as he left. She slowly breathed, her heart was still pounding in her chest as the images from her dream still haunting her. She grabbed her pager and went to find Lexie, standing at the nurses station.
"What's up?" Meredith asked as she approached her.
"Cristina put me on Grace's case and I wanted to show you this," she handed her the most recent test results and read over her chart from the night before. She knew she wasn't suppose to be looking at the chart but Lexie was trying to be supportive. Cristina had barely been speaking to Meredith, she didn't know what she did to piss her off this time but she was avoiding Meredith at all cost.
"Her O2 is staying below 85 even with full oxygen, if she doesn't show improvement I heard them talking about putting her on a vent," Lexie frowned, Meredith looked up at her and mirrored the frown.
"This isn't good. Have we had any word on UNOS?" Meredith ask, going over the chart again.
"No, I'm really worried about her Mer. She could barely speak without running out of breath and her blood pressure is extremely high, heart rate is high," Lexie continued to word vomit everything as Meredith silently reread the chart over and over.
"It's a waiting game Lex, we have to hope like hell something changes fast. She can't live like this for much longer," Meredith said, trying to hold back the tears. Even though she barely knew the girl, seeing a child in her condition made it hard to breath. She wished she could fix her for Derek, there was so much she wished she could do but all she could do was be there for him.
"What?" She heard a voice come from behind her and the two of them froze. The chart was snatched from Meredith's hand before she could even turn to realize who was there.
"Amelia-" Meredith tried to say but Amelia quickly ignored her.
"Has Altman seen this?" Amelia asked Lexie.
"I paged her to come get the results from the recent ultrasound and blood work," Lexie sputtered. Meredith watched the exchange closely, Amelia can be very intimidating. Meredith was astonished with how amazing she is as a doctor, she could even be better than Derek at times though she would never tell him that.
"Well where the hell is she?" Amelia growled as she slammed the chart on to the nurses station top.
"I-uh. I'll page her again," Lexie said immediately as she fumbled with her pager.
"Good," Amelia huffed as she turned and walked down to Grace's room.
"Why is she like that?" Lexie questioned when Amelia was out of range.
"Her niece is in critical condition, they are all worried," Meredith said, understanding where Amelia was coming from. She understood how everyone was just waiting around for a miracle which made them on edge.
"How's Derek doing?" Lexie asked, trying to make conversation.
"He won't talk to me, which I get but I wish I could be there more. Grace still doesn't know about us so I'm trying to keep my distance," Meredith replied, not telling a complete lie. She was still upset with Derek, she wanted to try to work through their troubles and not run. She was tired of running from him.
"When are you going to tell her?" Lexie questioned, her and Mark were in a similar situation with Sofia. Lexie isn't ready to meet her, Mark wants to introduce them which was a big deal to him.
"I don't know, that's up to Derek. I'm sure when things eventually get back to normal we will tell her. When are you finally going to accept you and Mark are a thing and meet his daughter?" Meredith returned the question.
"It's complicated. I don't know if I'm ready to be a step mom, I mean I'm an intern. I don't even want to get married until my residency is over," Lexie quickly said back in a hushed tone.
"Do you love him?" Meredith asked, knowing how Mark felt about her. She wanted her to be happy, she didn't know how connected she was going to feel to Lexie.
"I think I do, he drives me insane. It's complicated," Lexie replied.
"Look, I've learned life is complicated. Everyone has a past, and everyone will have things but I know Mark loves you. He may have not told you yet but he does, the way he talks about you is admirable. You two need to have a talk, because if you aren't on the same page something's gotta give. I gotta go, rounds," Meredith said before turning and going to find Bailey. They walked and did their rounds, getting their assignments. With the merger, things have been so different. Surgeries are harder to come by lately with the increase in interns.
"Grey, come here," Bailey said as she walked away from them.
"Yes Dr. Bailey?" Meredith asked as she followed her.
"Can you page Addison?" Bailey said in a low voice.
"I think she's off today," Meredith said, knowing she spent all night in Grace's room.
"I understand that but I need Addison Montgomery," she repeated.
"What do I tell her?" Meredith was confused as to why she was wanting her to page Addison.
"Tell her my contractions are five minutes apart and I think my water broke," Bailey said in a stern tone.
"Oh, ok," Meredith nodded, she knew it would probably be easier to find her. Addison had barely left the hospital since Grace had been admitted so she hurried to her room, finding Derek sat at the sleeping girl's bedside.
"Hey," Meredith said breathlessly.
"Hey," he sighed back at her.
"Has Addison left yet?" Meredith said, turning when she saw the bathroom door open and Addison opened.
"Not yet Grey, what do you need?" Addison said with a yawn.
"I know you're not working but Bailey said she needed you," Meredith huffed, still trying to catch her breath from running there.
"Tell her I'm not here and the patient will be perfectly fine with one of the other OB's," Addison said with an eyebrow raise.
"It's Bailey, she's the patient. Her water broke,"
"Damn it, I told her to take it easy," Addison said, shaking her head and hurrying past Meredith.
"How is she?" Meredith said, looking at the poor girl laying in the bed. She looked so pitiful, her face and extremities were pale from lack of circulation.
"Hanging on, she hasn't been awake yet. I hate this," he said, shaking his head.
"I hate seeing her like this, she was always so full of life," Meredith frowned. She didn't want to stay long, she still had things she needed to do and she needed to check on Bailey. As she was about to tell him she was leaving, Teddy walked in with Cristina and Lexie.
"Any word yet?" He quickly perked up, trying to be hopeful for all of them.
"Not yet, she got moved up since her decline is rapid. I wanted to talk to you about some concerns," Teddy started.
"I'm gonna go," Meredith said to him, watching his expression fall.
"Stay, you can stay," he offered, it was more of a plead. She nodded, slowly walking over to him.
"With her condition, I hate to say it but I think we need to give her body a rest and put her on a vent. Her lungs are working overtime and it's putting a strain on her heart," Teddy began to say. Meredith heart dropped as she looked at Derek. His eyes said everything he wasn't, he was terrified of what came next. He blinked back tears as she silence filled them.
"I uh- I don't know. That's, I just. Addison, she needs to be here," he stuttered, like he couldn't even form words.
"We need to make a decision now Derek," Teddy replied, looking at him with a sad expression.
"I can't, ok. This is too much, that's my little girl and you can't expect me to just know these things," he said, shaking his head.
"Derek," Meredith sighed, turning to him and putting her hand on his shoulder, "think like a doctor. She needs this, her body is fragile. She needs a break until we can get a heart."
"Will someone get Addison here," he said, ignoring Meredith.
"I'll go," Meredith sighed, shaking her head before leaving. She hurried as quickly as she could to the OB wing of the hospital. She saw her walking out of what she assumed was Bailey's room.
"Addison, Derek needs you," Meredith said breathlessly.
"What's going on?" Addison said.
"He's in Grace's room," she replied. Addison quickly put Bailey's chart down and ran past Meredith. Meredith watched before going to check on Bailey. She needed some happiness, babies were happy and innocent.
"Grey, what are you doing?" Bailey asked, leaned over the bed.
"Just checking on you. Addison had an emergency with Grace," Meredith said, just trying to make conversation. She watched as Bailey paused, a loud groan erupted from her as she felt a contraction.
"Is she ok?" Bailey asked, shaking her head.
"I don't know, I know she's declining but they are going to put her on a vent," Meredith sighed, she felt terrified for Derek. She knew that feeling, the feeling of losing a child is something that she hates living.
"That poor baby, I remember when my son Tuck was about a year old and a bookshelf fell on him while his father was watching him, terrified me to death," Bailey said, shaking her head.
"You have a son?" Meredith was taken aback, she had no idea she had a child.
"Yeah, he's five now. I was doing my clinicals when it happened," Bailey said before pausing again, another contraction causing her to almost fall. Meredith immediately went into her reflexes as she reached out for her.
"I think you should lay in bed Bailey," Meredith offered.
"Walking helps move things along. This baby needs to make it's entrance soon," Bailey said, letting out another sigh as her contraction came again. Meredith managed to help her over toward the bed, letting her lean against her for support.
"Have you told Dr. Warren you are in labor? I can go grab him," Meredith asked as she stepped away from Bailey. She remembered how lonely she felt in the hospital bed, it was the worst part of it all.
"I'm only 4cm dilated, this baby ain't coming no time soon. He's in surgery," Bailey said, shaking her head.
"I can stay, until he gets here," Meredith offered.
"No, Grey what I need you to do is round on my patients and come let me know how they are all doing. Mr. Jackson is real stubborn when it comes to getting his medicine so make sure those nurses don't mess that up," Bailey said, shaking her head. Meredith knew how headstrong she was, she was a fighter.
"Yes Dr. Bailey," Meredith nodded before turning and leaving the room. She made her way around to all of her patients, checking each one and releasing two of them. She was just about to find Lexie again to check on Grace when she got a page. She looked down, noticing it was the ER. She quickly made her way down to find Owen waiting with George and Jackson.
"Dr. Hunt, what do we got?" Meredith asked.
"Vehicle vs tree, two patients. 8 year old female and 20 year old female," Hunt replied just as the ambulance turned the corner into the bay. He rushed over, slinging the door open.
"What do we got?" He asked as he helped the paramedics unload the gurney.
"8 year old female, ejected after the impact of the tree. She hasn't gained consciousness since, multiple broken bones. Heart rate is 128 and blood pressure 110/80," Nicole said as she handed the papers over to Meredith with all the details.
"Grey and Avery, get her to trauma one," Hunt instructed, Meredith nodded and quickly rushed the little girl into the trauma room. She got another set of vitals as Robbins and Torres quickly entered the room.
"Grey, I need you to start a line-" she was immediately interrupted by the girl starting to seize.
"Someone page lady Shepherd and push one of lorazepam, " Torres said as she helped Meredith roll her to her side and stabilize her head.
"This poor girl, her parents must be terrified," Arizona sighed as she held on the the girls arms. She slowly stopped seizing, Amelia come barreling in and went to the girls aid.
"Her right pupil is blown, we need to get her up to a head CT immediately," Amelia said as she was examining the girl.
"Avery take her to CT, Grey I want you to wait on the family and get any info from the other passenger. Anything she would know," Arizona said as she continued to assess the girl. Meredith nodded, turning and going to the trauma bay next door. The woman was conscious and speaking, she looked roughed up but not nearly as bad as the little girl.
"Ma'am-" she started but was immediately interrupted.
"Is Alice ok? We were on our way home with the rain started. I lost control, I didn't mean to hurt her. Please tell me my little sister is going to be ok," the woman cried immensely.
"We are taking her for a CT, she is in critical condition. Do you happen to know her blood type?"Meredith asked, knowing she is going to need blood.
"She's AB positive, you have to save her please. They said they called our parents. It was an accident, I wasn't even going fast," the girl said as she started to hyperventilate.
"We are doing everything we can to save her, she is going to need surgery. Just stay calm, and we are going to do our very best to make sure your sister makes it through," Meredith assured her, but Meredith knew the girl was in bad shape. Being ejected from a vehicle at any speed was dangerous, with her neurological symptoms Meredith knew the girl was in bad shape.
She hurried to radiology, rushing into the CT room. She looked at the empty machine and turned to the tech sitting there going over some results.
"Where is Dr. Avery?" Meredith asked the man.
"They canceled the CT and took her straight to surgery, didn't even make it up here," he replied. Meredith heart dropped immediately, something must have changed in the little bit of time she had spent with the sister. She quickly rushed down to the OR's, searching in every one of them. She saw them in, she quickly grabbed a mask and entered into the room. The machines were ringing loudly, Amelia was cursing under her breath.
"Damn it, there's too much swelling," Amelia said as she worked tediously on the girls skull.
"No, what happened?" Meredith asked, looking at the girl. Her heart was beating out of her chest, it was always worse when children were involved.
"Her ICP is too high, I can't control the swelling. She's brain dead," Amelia said, shaking her head. Everyone was silent as the machines continued to blare.
"Is there anything you can do?" Meredith asked, already knowing the answer.
"I'm going to put her on a vent and wait for the family to decide what they want to do. She's gone," Amelia sighed, stepping away from the girl. Meredith couldn't help but feel awful. She followed Amelia to the scrub room, watching as Amelia scrubbed out while they closed her up.
"Did you find out her blood type?" Amelia asked.
"She's AB positive, but that doesn't matter now," Meredith said, shaking her head.
"Unless her family decides to donate her organs," Amelia replied to Meredith.
"How do you do that? How do you ask a family to donate their child's organs?" Meredith asked, knowing that must be unimaginable.
"It's never easy, but if I'm honest I didn't think she had a chance to begin with. The chance of survival after ejection is rare. I just wanted to know if she would be a match for Grace. I know that sounds awful, trading one kids life for another but-"
"But it's Grace. Is she a match?" Meredith asked curiously.
"Same blood type, but of course we will have to do a cross match if the family does decide to donate," Amelia sighed. A loss is always worse when it's a child. Meredith had only lost a few children working in the ED, and every single one of them were gut wrenching.
"I'm going to go check on Bailey, she's in labor and I was suppose to report back to her after checking her post ops," Meredith sighed, turning around and leaving without another word. It was awful, the feeling she felt inside her soul. She wanted to go check on Derek, but she didn't want to overstep with him. He said she wasn't but she felt like it, especially when Addison was there.
Meredith walked into the OB floor, slowly shuffling her feet as she got to Bailey's room. She was pacing the room, Ben was sitting on one of the chairs by the bed as he watched Bailey.
"Dr. Bailey?" Meredith said as she slowly opened the door.
"How are my patients?" She immediately asked, letting out a deep breath.
"All of them are doing fantastic. I discharged Mr. Smith and Ms. Rodriguez," Meredith replied.
"Miranda, don't you think you need to stop worrying about your patients," Ben spoke up.
"Uh-uh. No, you sit there and be supportive while I push this baby out of my vagina. I'm still their doctor," Bailey said in a scolding tone.
"You're in labor Miranda, focus on that," he said.
"If I focus on that, I have to focus on the agonizing pain I'm in and I can't do that because I'm not getting pain medication. I can't even have the best doctor in this hospital because she's taking care of her own baby. Now Grey, I am trusting you to take care of my people. Don't screw this up," she threatened, her brow raising as she looked at Meredith.
"Yes Dr. Bailey, I won't," Meredith assured her. She wasn't aware of how much trust Miranda had in her, it was relieving to know that Bailey thought she was good enough. She turned and left without another word, she was waking back toward the surgical floor when she got another page, this time it was Derek. Meredith looked at it a little confused before going to find him. He was waiting outside Grace's room for her. Meredith couldn't help but leak behind him at the little girl laying lifeless on the bed as she machine she was attached to breathed for her. Addison next to her, looking at the little girl.
"Hey," she said with a sigh, looking at him.
"Hey, are you busy?" He asked.
"I was about to go grab some lunch, do you want me to get you something?" She offered.
"I will walk with you, I can't stand to see her like that," he frowned, turning to look at his daughter before looking back at Meredith.
"Ok," she offered a smile, not receiving one in return. She didn't expect him to try and be happy, he was going through one of the hardest things anyone should never have to go through. They walked in silence as the entered the almost empty cafeteria. She didn't know what to say to him, she didn't have words for him.
"How has your day been?" He asked, trying to make some kind of conversation.
"Just the usual. Nothing special," she lied. She didn't want to get his hopes up because it wasn't guaranteed that Grace would receive the heart and lungs from the little girl in the accident.
"I hope you don't mind the company, I just didn't want to be alone anymore," he said, shaking his head. Lately, his face was stuck in a daze. He was a mix between looking like he could cry at any moment or pass out from exhaustion.
"I don't, I want you to know I'm here, she's going to be ok Derek," she assured him. She didn't want him to be alone right now anyway and wanted to give him hope. She wasn't sure how much hope he had left in him. It was a constant battle with everything being thrown at him the past few weeks.
"I really hope she is, but we are running out of time," he choked on his words, trying to hide his pain.
"She's at the very top of the list, the first match will immediately go to her," Meredith tried to be hopeful for him but she didn't know what else to say. She was sure that she wasn't helping much, there wasn't anything anyone could do except wait.
"I know, it's the fact of find one. Not many kids around her age that are healthy pass away. That's why it's so hard for a child to receive a transplant. I hate that I'm wishing-" he was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He picked it up, he didn't get a chance to say hello before he immediately stood and rushed off. Meredith followed, her mind going straight for the worse. She tried to keep up with him but he was running a lot faster than her. She turned the corner, seeing Amelia, Addison and Teddy all standing there waiting on them.
"We found a match," Amelia said, Derek immediately started crying as he grabbed his sister in a hug.
"Thank you," he said, releasing her and a sigh of relief came from Meredith. Things were finally beginning to look up. She hated that the little girl passed but she was grateful the family decided to donate. This meant she had a chance now, to live her life. Grace had a chance to live, and that was all that mattered.
Author's noted :Man, I am so bad at constant updates. I do so good for a while there but I have a good excuse. I am in the process of moving and getting settled into my new home. Thank you for the kind words everyone leaves for me. I am so happy others enjoy this story as much as I do. I wish I had more time to write, my time will free up soon enough and I will get back to the story. There is still a lot to cover, but for now this is what you guys get. I love all of you and thank you again for the understanding and the love I received.