It Was Never Supposed To Be You

Chapter Two: How We Fit

Anthony shifted on his feet as he paced the waiting room of Danbury House. He was impatient to know if Kate was here, but as he crossed the room yet again, he knew she was not. There was an awareness of her, an instinct that always alerted him to her presence. That feeling was noticeably absent.

He paused when someone entered the room and he was surprised to find it was not Lady Danbury or Lady Mary, but rather Edwina. "Miss Edwina," he greeted stiffly with a bow.

The awkwardness between them had yet to dissipate since the last time he had seen her, so when she gave him a sincere smile, he was surprised. Maybe things had changed since he had last spoken to her a year ago. They'd barely glanced at each other at the balls this last season as Francesca made her debut, so perhaps he'd missed Edwina softening towards him.

"Lord Bridgerton, how nice it is to see you." Edwina gave a graceful curtsy.

"Is it?" The question came out before he could think better of it.

Edwina laughed. "Yes, of course. I hope you do not think I still hold our failed engagement against you. It has been nearly a year after all."

Anthony nodded but he still felt uncertain with how he should act around the woman he'd once been engaged to marry.

"I should actually thank you for setting me free, for I have found greater happiness than I have ever thought possible. Truly, I hope we can now be friends."

Anthony saw the sincerity in Edwina's face and he was grateful for her forgiveness. Though she was much younger than he was, she had intimidated him at their wedding, dressing him down with the kind of disappointment usually displayed by his mother.

Edwina gestured to the settee across the room. "Please, have a seat. Shall I ring for some refreshments?"

"No, I just came to ask if—" Anthony winced, not wanting to hurt Edwina with his question.

"If Kate has arrived?" Edwina graciously finished for him as she took a seat.

Anthony sat down, but tried to hide the earnestness of his inquiry. "Mr. Dorset mentioned in a letter to me that he would be traveling with your sister back to London for your wedding."

"Kate is actually out with Mr. Dorset at the moment."

Anthony immediately shifted forward in his seat. "Unchaperoned?!".

Edwina smiled, bemused at Anthony's complete inability to hide his feelings. "Oh, you know my sister. She never was one to follow propriety. Once she tasted freedom again in India, she could never go back. She refuses to be shackled by the constraints of London society ever again. I cannot say I blame her. And besides, now that I am happily engaged to a prince, who is to care what my scandalous sister does?" Edwina's twinkling eyes sparkled with the respect and affection she clearly had for her sister. "I am just happy neither of us have to pretend anymore about who we are and what we want."

Anthony did not know what to say in response, but he felt a slight pinch of a knife in his chest remembering that he was not one of the things Kate wanted once she had the freedom to choose.

"It is quite liberating to be honest with one's feelings, Lord Bridgerton. I highly recommend it," Edwina gave him a meaningful look while primly folding her hands in her lap.

"I am very relieved to hear that you are doing well. I genuinely regret everything I did to keep you from finding the husband you deserved. And for interfering with your sister's plans for you. If I had not made the impulsive decision to propose to you—"

"If I may be direct, Lord Bridgerton, I would rather not revisit the past," Edwina interrupted. "I think I know why you are here."

"You do?"

Edwina nodded. "Of course. So let us get to the matter at hand, shall we? Exactly how miserable have you been without my sister?"

Anthony's eyes widened, his mouth half open in shock.

Edwina nearly doubled up in laughter at his expression. "I am not as blind as I used to be, my Lord, so do not bother to pretend with me."

She had him there. Anthony swallowed, unsure of what he was supposed to say next. He really should have planned this out better.

Across town at Bridgerton House, Kate fiddled with the hem of her gloves as the Duchess of Hastings gave her a thorough examination from behind her teacup. Kate tried to avert her eyes, taking a glance around. She did not know how to feel being back here. Memories of that last night here still echoed in her dreams and pulsed through her blood when she least expected it. The best night of her life in many ways, but the memories were bittersweet.

"How was your journey from India? Not too difficult, I hope," Daphne finally said, delicately setting down her teacup.

"It was easier since I had made the journey before, but at least it is the last time I will have to make it," Kate replied.

Daphne sat up straighter, her smile widening. "So you are staying now that your sister is marrying Prince Friedrich?"

Kate's eyes widened. "Oh no, what I mean is, it is unlikely I shall return again to London once my sister is married."

Daphne's face fell. "Oh."

Kate's hand stilled right before her teacup touched her lips. "You seem disappointed."

"To be honest, I enjoyed getting to know you at Aubrey Hall, and, well, my entire family loved having you there. Eloise says she misses having another strong-minded, independent woman around. I try not to be insulted by that. Hyacinth and Gregory miss Newton terribly, and Benedict and Colin need you around to help humble our brother. Then there is Francesca, who is quite upset that she never had the chance to meet you. As for myself . . . well, I had hoped that you would stay so that we might become friends. After all, we owe you a debt for showing my brother the error of his ways. He has become much changed since you left."

Kate was honored that the Duchess spoke so kindly of her and glad that the kinship she felt with Anthony's family was mutual, but all she could focus on was the last sentence. "What do you mean he has changed?"

Daphne grinned. "Well, as you know, Anthony is quite hard-headed, always thinking he knows best and that he must manage all the rest of us or we will crumble under our own incompetent choices if, God forbid, we make our own decisions. But lately, he has become more open with us, letting us share his burdens and allowing my other brothers and sisters a little freedom to make their own mistakes. I suspect that with the timing of this change, we have you to thank for that."

Kate's cheeks heated and her chest tightened with every word. It nearly gutted her when Anthony confessed his fear that his family despised him when it was clear that all he wanted to do was be the brother, and substitute father, they needed. The moment he said it, she wanted to set his mind at ease and reassure him there was at least one person in this world on his side. Her heart felt lighter knowing that he had finally opened up to his family and healed that piece of him that weighed on him so long.

Though there was an ache now as well, knowing she was no longer the only person he leaned on for comfort. She had come to crave the feeling of being needed by him. But it was good to know he did not need her anymore. It was for the best.

Kate offered a soft smile. "I am glad to hear that you all have grown closer. I must confess, I also am known for believing I know best, and perhaps the mistakes I made with Edwina helped Lord Bridgerton see the error of our ways."

Daphne hesitated, as if choosing her words carefully. "You two are so much alike. I had thought . . . I was fairly certain that my brother shared a certain special connection with you."

Kate quickly shook her head in denial. "Oh, no, it was nothing like that. Just a bit of rebellion on his part, I am sure, knowing that he was about to chain himself to marriage after a lifetime of being . . . well, if we are being honest, not exactly the marrying kind."

"I do not think that is true," Daphne replied, her face softening. "You opened up my brother's eyes and his heart. I could see it from the first moment I saw you two together, and every moment after."

Kate blushed, remembering how Daphne had caught her and Anthony in an intimate moment in his study. "I-I thank you for your discretion."

Daphne waved her hand dismissively. "I myself was forced into marriage due to an indiscretion and while I am over the moon with happiness now, I would not wish marriage to be imposed on either you or my brother against your will."

Kate nodded in gratitude.

Daphne's focus on her made Kate shift uncomfortably in her seat. "He has changed in other ways since you have been gone."

"Oh?"

"He has not tried courting any other lady, and has instead spent his time at home working on the ledgers or spending more time with Hyacinth and Gregory, or focusing on Francesca's debut, albeit with a less heavy hand than he had handled mine. Not that I am unhappy about these changes, but I do sometimes glimpse sadness in his eyes when he thinks no one else is watching. Before, his sadness came from weariness. But now . . . it feels altogether different."

Something hot pricked the back of Kate's eyes. She did not want to know this, because it drew out that maddening part of her that wanted so badly for him to be happy, to see that smile that truly was very pleasing. But then there was a flutter of hope that perhaps he felt the same kind of loss she had when she left.

"It is as if—"

"As if he lost something he never knew he needed," Kate finished, her voice barely audible.

Daphne smiled sadly. "Yes." She then reached out and placed her hands over Kate's. "Please, tell me, Miss Sharma, did you ever feel anything for my brother?" She hastily added, "I will not judge you, no matter what the truth is. You were put in a difficult position thanks to my brother's poor choices."

"We both made bad choices," Kate said, wanting to make clear that Anthony was not the only one to blame for their impossible situation. Daphne looked so sincere that Kate felt her defenses crumble. Kate had already confessed to Mr. Dorset what was in her heart . . . what was still in her heart. What could it hurt to have one more person in this world know the truth?

"Whatever you tell me, I will keep in confidence," Daphne reassured her.

Kate took a deep breath, mustering up all the strength she had. "I think I felt something for your brother from the first moment we met, but I did not understand what it was. It was a curiosity at first, then frustrated irritation, and then something else entirely. It happened so slowly that I could not even admit to it until I was alone in that chapel with him after Edwina decided not to go through with the wedding, standing in the wreckage of our bad decisions."

Daphne gave her a sympathetic look.

"Something about him captured me from the start, but I trust you will never tell him that or neither of us will hear the end of it." Kate and Daphne both laughed at that. "I can only imagine how smug he would be to know how much he had drawn me in with just a smile and nod of his head that morning in the park." Kate grinned at the memory.

Daphne squeezed Kate's hand in support, seeing the relief in Kate's face as she could finally unburden herself.

"You know, he was the first man I had ever met who could not be managed, who did not back down simply because of his obligations as a gentleman towards me as a woman. He laughed even as I insulted him straight to his face. He fought fire with fire. Men often find me difficult, but he was not intimidated in the least bit by me, as if he relished the challenge, much to my frustration."

Daphne did her best to suppress another laugh. These two were quite a pair indeed. "Do you find him aggravating?"

"Yes! That is exactly the right word for it!" Kate exclaimed. She sighed. "This is all his fault. He has condemned me to spend every day for the rest of my life thinking of him, dreaming of him, or worse, torturing myself with the memories. It is so . . . so . . . vexing."

Daphne gave a small knowing smile, but said nothing more.

"But what frustrates me most is that he had been right. He pushed me to consider what Edwina wanted, and not just my own plans for her happiness. Perhaps that is something you taught him."

Daphne chuckled. "A hard lesson for him, to be sure."

"I think he understood me because he knew what it is to want to protect your sister. Even if you do it the wrong way, even if you are too harsh, even if you are misguided, even if you stumble, your heart is only trying to do right by the ones you love. It is a heavy burden to carry to be responsible for the happiness of others."

Daphne gave a begrudging nod of acknowledgment.

"I am also changed having known him. I have never humbled myself before anyone, until he showed me how. I did not believe him when he told me he is a man who can admit to his faults. What man in the world would make such a concession to his pride? But he showed me time and again what it means to be humble . . . To admit to a lie, even a small white lie like stealing a poem. To admit to his emotions, even when they were infuriating and irrational. To admit what was in his heart, even at the risk of looking pathetic to someone who said she hated him." The emotion rose in Kate's throat and her voice shook as everything she had realized over the past year came to the surface. "A better man, I have never known and shall never know."

Daphne's eyes glistened as she listened to Kate's heartfelt words. "I fear that while I have known my brother much longer than you have, I shall never know him as well as you clearly do."

Kate brushed an errant tear as she took another deep breath and offered up her hands in surrender. "I love him."

Daphne breath caught at the confession, unsure Kate would admit to it.

"I thought it was just desire," Kate whispered, almost to herself. "When I am near him, my mind and my body are no longer within my control. When he looks at me, I cannot look anywhere else no matter how I try to distract myself. I find it harder to breathe, and it is as if my body thinks the only place it can draw oxygen is from his lips. And then he speaks and his words spark a fire in my body, and I burn for something, I do not even know what—" Kate stopped abruptly when she saw Daphne staring wide-eyed at her. "I am sorry, you probably do not want to know any of these details about how I feel about your brother."

Daphne quickly shook her head and tried to compose herself. "It is not that. Your words just reminded me of something, that is all. I can bear the awkwardness if it helps you to confess what is in your heart."

Kate's shoulders sagged, knowing she'd already crossed the line in her confession and might as well go all the way. "I wish it were just desire. Because then maybe it would have eased by now. Instead, I am drowning in all these feelings and I do not know what to do!"

Daphne's heart softened at the helplessness she saw in Kate's expression. "What do you feel exactly?"

Kate had a year to think about it and she had come to one conclusion: "He is the first person outside of my family to care about me and what I want. It is a heady feeling, and I blame him entirely for being far too noble."

"Too noble? That is a new one."

Kate shook her head, as if trying to organize her thoughts and shake off the intensity of how much she loved him. "He defended me against my sister's awful grandparents, even after he found out that I had kept a huge secret from him. He tried to comfort me when I was the reason his wedding to my sister was ruined, when I was the one who forced him to go through with it in the first place. He tried to protect me by offering to sacrifice the rest of his life so that a decision we both made would not hurt me." Her voice rose in volume as the words spilled out, the realizations she had made when she was away. "He is a man of the highest honor, moreso because he is a man of flesh and blood with faults and flaws. I have come to love each crack, each show of pride, each self loathing piece of him, and even each stupid decision he makes, because it comes from his mangled, misguided, vulnerable heart."

Daphne knew how rare it was to find love, rarer still to find the kind of love she shared with Simon, the same kind that her mother and father shared. Yet she couldn't deny that Anthony had found his own. If only he had the wisdom to have kept it instead of running from it.

Kate threw up her hands, exasperated with herself. "I did not realize what was happening at the time. I did not understand that I was slowly giving him the broken pieces of my heart that seemed to fit with his. Your brother is still learning how to manage his life and how to be the head of your family, and here I am, secretly yearning to be there by his side to share the burden with him, to make him smile, to laugh with him as we learn together how to make our own family." Kate shook her head, trying to shake away her own tears. "A more foolish dream, I could never fathom."

"You are far from a fool, Miss Sharma," Daphne interjected. "If my brother knew how you felt—"

"No!" Kate sat back, her eyes wide with horror. "He can never know." Her words were urgent and left no room for argument.

"But why?"

Kate begged Daphne with her eyes to keep what she had confessed a secret from Anthony. "He would feel guilty and try to propose again, and I could never live with myself if I was a burden to him. He has enough that he bears on his shoulders without adding me to it. He has told me what he wants for his life: a marriage out of duty and not love. I imagine because of what happened with your father, he has no desire to be loved in the way that I love him."

Daphne's eyebrow raised at that comment. "Did he tell you that or have you guessed his reason for avoiding love?"

"He is a man with a great capacity for love. Just look at his dedication to all of you. There can be only one reason he is not looking for what your mother and father shared, and that is grief. I understand it, as I have had the same fears."

"Then you must know that our fears cannot control how we feel when it comes to matters of the heart," Daphne pointed out. Daphne reached out again to Kate, her voice insistent. "We are having a dinner at Aubrey Hall in a few days to celebrate Francesca's engagement. You must come. Edwina has already been invited as Lady Danbury's guest, and I think you need to give my brother the chance to see you. Only then can you know for certain what he truly wishes."

Kate swallowed, her heart twisted in every direction. She knew she would have to face him eventually. But could she continue to hide her true feelings from him? Conceding the inevitability of it all, she slowly nodded her head. "I would be honored to attend."

Kate loved him too much to be a coward.

Back at Danbury House, Edwina was staring at Anthony, her sharp eyes waiting for him to speak. When he seemed at a loss for words, she straightened her shoulders and asked boldly, "Lord Bridgerton, I must now play the part of the overprotective sister. What are your intentions with Kate?"

Anthony finally broke free of his shock at Edwina's forthrightness. He rose from his seat and stood tall, adjusting his coat sleeves before confessing, "I intend to tell her I love her. Then I shall beg her to take pity on me and agree to marry me."

Edwina's face broke into a wide smile. "A good answer, my Lord."

A/N: Thank you for all the kind reviews! I love these two so much and I hope you don't mind being subjected to all of my thoughts on why they are perfect for each other. I said this would be a three-chapter fic, but it's going to be at least four. Next chapter, it's Anthony's turn to explain to Edwina how he fell for Kate, and then the two cross paths. Then off to Aubrey Hall!