It Was Never Supposed To Be You

Chapter Three: The Picture We Make

"Tell me, Lord Bridgerton, when did you finally realize you loved my sister?" Edwina's voice did not hint at any malice behind the question, just mere curiosity.

Anthony cleared his throat, knowing the answer would do him no favors with Edwina. Still, she had asked him to be honest with his feelings, and he owed Edwina at least that much. "I think it started the first morning we met. It was actually before I met you. Your sister was out riding by herself at dawn, and I chased after her thinking she was in distress. She quickly corrected my misconceptions of course."

Edwina laughed, easily imagining the picture Anthony was painting with his words. "I am sure she did."

Anthony sat back down into the settee. Baring his soul would take more than a few minutes. "I had never seen a woman like her. She was so full of life and so unimpressed by anything I had to say. And for some damnable reason, that immediately made me like her."

Edwina's heart softened hearing the warmth in Anthony's voice.

"Her wit can be sharp, but also admirable." Anthony chuckled to himself. "She is the first woman whom I have ever found funny, who has ever made me genuinely laugh." His mind drifted to memories of falling into mud and riding horses side-by-side. How he missed those moments when Kate had distracted him from the darkness he had made his constant companion.

Edwina grinned wider, loving that she was finally getting the full story so she could better understand her sister.

Then Anthony's jaw clenched in memory. "Unfortunately, she overheard something foolish I had said, so she turned her fire at me. I thought it was hatred I felt, or anger, because she had judged me without even knowing me. She was getting in the way of my plans to court you and, to my frustration, besting me at every turn." Anthony shook his head, remembering his blindness to what was really happening. "But I was wrong. I had just finally met my match."

"You were not alone in your confusion about the hostility between you two. I should have seen it sooner, now that I think about it," Edwina admitted. "Kate scared away all the other suitors, but you seemed amused by her overprotective nature."

"The truth was, she honored me by giving her all in every fight. She expected more from me. She pushed me to my limits, forcing me to see who I truly am and what I truly want. I thought I hated her for exposing me, but I did not realize what she was doing was freeing me. She broke me open, got under my skin with her smug smiles and confident proclamations as to how undeserving I was of you, but that lit a fire in me I did not know was lying dormant all these years. She made me feel alive when I had been numb for so long."

Edwina placed her hand over her heart, moved by the sincerity of Anthony's words.

Anthony took a deep breath, admitting to something he never wanted to admit: that Daphne had been right. "To be honest, it was not until my sister explained to me that this feeling I had whenever I was around your sister—my heart racing, my blood heating, my eyes never being able to leave hers—that feeling burning through my body was not hate. It was the exact opposite."

Edwina nodded sympathetically. "I can understand how easy it is to mistake one's feelings. I fancied myself in love with you, after all. But it was the fairy tale that I loved, not you, my Lord."

"You thought you loved me?" Disbelief was written all over Anthony's face as if the thought never occurred to him.

"Of course! I told you that I did. I even commented on how love could move quickly when we were promenading that day with the boats. Do you not recall?"

Guilt replaced the disbelief on Anthony's face. "I, was, well, I was a bit distracted that day."

Edwina giggled as she realized what had preoccupied him that day. "Well, I thought it obvious that I had believed I was in love with you. Why else do you think I was so angry to know you did not love me back? That you wanted my sister instead! If my feelings were not so hurt, I would never have been as angry on our wedding day."

Anthony's brows furrowed in confusion. "But I proposed to you because I thought you understood there would never be love between us. That this would be a marriage borne out of duty, and not romantic feelings."

Edwina shook her head in amusement. "Ahh, but you underestimate your effect on women. I saw your honorable defense of me and your attentions on me as a sign that your feelings could eventually turn to love. I know it was silly, but you were the first man I have ever had feelings for, so you must forgive me for my naivete."

"I am a poor communicator indeed to have misled you that way," Anthony sighed in regret. For Edwina to truly understand, she had to know everything. "You see, when my father died, I was immediately forced into the role of Viscount and father. When all my friends were busy enjoying their youth, I had seven siblings to manage and a mother who was grieving too much to watch over us. There were all these ropes pulling at me in every direction to do right by everyone: by society, by my family, by my father whose legacy I needed to protect. I let those ropes bind me tighter and tighter until I could barely breathe without worrying that I was hurting my family. I had to ensure our family's finances and that their futures were safe. All of that pressure seemed to choke any thought of me finding my own happiness."

Edwina's eyes widened, surprised to hear the intensity of Anthony's struggles. "I never thought about what a great responsibility it must have been for you to take your father's place so young."

"That is why it was so important to me to find the perfect Viscountess, a partner who would help me keep my family's future happiness secure."

"Kate told me that you did not want to marry for love. Clearly, she understood you more than I ever did. Can you tell me why not?"

"I saw how love caused unbearable pain for my mother when my father died. She could not eat or sleep. She barely survived giving birth to my sister, Hyacinth, and at one point she told me she could not bear to keep living without my father. I-I never wanted to be the cause of my wife's devastation. I wanted to ensure that my Viscountess could go on without me and be able to care for my siblings and future children. I also did not want a future son of mine to go through what I had to go through. If my mother had not been so heartbroken, I might have had a little more freedom to be her son, rather than a substitute Viscount who resented his siblings their freedom."

Edwina twisted her hands together as she remembered her own childhood. "I can understand what you mean. Mama was shattered when our Appa passed away. Kate had to step in to ensure our family's future because Mama was too overcome with grief to figure out a solution to our financial problems after he was gone." Edwina smiled through unshed tears as she remembered those days. "Kate kept me distracted with piano lessons, instructing me on various dances, and ensuring I could get my hands on every book I wanted to read. I was so lucky to have her." Edwina's voice trembled with emotion at the end. "She stayed strong when Mama could not, and she helped me become as strong as she is so that I could survive and we could have a better future."

"She is the strongest woman I have ever met," Anthony acknowledged as his own voice filled with emotion.

Edwina's heart melted at the look of pure adoration on Anthony's face. He truly was smitten with her sister and she could not be happier. She knew Kate had been struggling and restless in India, and now she selfishly hoped that Anthony would be the one to bring Kate back to her.

"When I realized how much she loved you and your mother, how she was willing to sacrifice anything for you to be happy, it only made me fall more in love with her."

Edwina smiled. "I could not have asked for a better sister."

Anthony looked out the window, his eyes glistening with emotions that just wanted to pour out of him. "In spite of all that she carried on her shoulders, she somehow became the calm in the storm for me. The comfort I feel just from having her hand in mine, just to know she is breathing, that she simply exists . . . it is enough."

Edwina knew that feeling as she felt the same way about her future husband. When she had felt like such a failure after her broken engagement, the prince had picked her back up and made her feel whole again. He had shut out all of the gossip and the stares, and let her know she was worthy to be loved.

Anthony rubbed his forehead as his shoulders fell, surrendering to the truth. "But now she has bound me to her. All I care about, all I think about is her. From the start, there has been no one's opinion who has mattered more to me than hers. I could not allow myself to dishonor her with lies, not after seeing how she reacted when I tried to trick her into giving me time with you. I could not bear to look at her when I proposed to you, knowing in my heart that I was in love with her. It was the worst thing I have ever done and I would do anything to have changed it, not just for her but for you as well."

Edwina felt a part of her heal, finally understanding the depth of Anthony's feelings for her sister, seeing how both Kate and Anthony were doing their best to do right by their families at the expense of their own desires.

Anthony grew agitated with all the regrets he had when it came to Kate. "I will never forgive myself for ruining her plans for you. She knew you better than you even knew herself, if we are to be honest. She knew you would not be happy with a marriage without love, but I interfered, tried to convince you—the Queen's Diamond—that a transactional marriage with me would make you happy. I was wrong to propose it and you were wrong to accept it."

"I know," Edwina agreed. "I let my hurt and shock blind me to how much Kate had sacrificed to protect me. Now that I have found the love of my life and felt the joy that comes with knowing I have someone who truly loves me, I feel only regret and shame at how I had fought Kate when she tried to protect me from you. I tried to convince myself and Kate that I could sacrifice love to have a title and a grand home to call my own. I did not see the heartbreak I would feel knowing my husband could not love me, not until I was standing at that altar."

Anthony's head dropped in shame. "That day I was fighting so hard to see the wedding through when I knew it was not what I wanted. But then when your sister dropped her bracelet and everyone was staring at her, I could not stand by and do nothing. I did not want to hurt you, but I had stood by and let her be embarrassed that night at Danbury House because of my antics, and I carried that guilt with me ever since. I could not bear to let her be the center of criticism again, not when I could help it."

Edwina felt only sympathy for Anthony at his confession.

"And even afterward, when I was trying to salvage the wedding, I realized I could not. Not at your sister's expense. There is nothing that hurts me more than seeing Kate blame herself for trying to do the best she can to take care of the ones she loves, when she was willing to sacrifice her own happiness. Because I know that singular feeling only too well." He blinked away the tears in his eyes. "I want to protect her and be the person who gives her everything she wants in life. I dream of the day when she will hold my hand as we stand at the precipice of the rest of our lives. I have seen the fallout of love and the broken pieces it leaves behind . . . she makes me want to jump anyway just in case we can learn how to fly."

Edwina was not hurt by his words, but instead in awe. She had not anticipated the depth of his feelings for her sister, and she could only feel joy that this man had loved her sister so well.

"So when you ask me when I finally realized I was in love with her, it was not until after our broken engagement. But that is because I am a stubborn fool. In my heart, I know I have been in love with her since the beginning. When we met, she shined so brightly, I could not look away. She became the knife that cut all of the ropes away. When I was around her I could think of nothing else, of no one else. I wanted to be free for her: free to take her hand, to hold her, to protect her, because I knew in my heart that we belonged to each other."

"Now that I know the full truth, I feel it as well. What shall you do to win her over? She is not—"

"So easily won?" Anthony finished, a smile on his lips.

Edwina nodded. "Yes. She is determined to go back to India and never return to London society ever again."

Anthony rubbed his hands down his face, his seemingly-futile hopes overwhelming him. "I tried to ask her to marry me before, but she wanted nothing to do with me. And perhaps it is foolish to think that anything I can do will make her stay. But I have to try. I have to fight as hard as she would, or I will never deserve her."

Edwina leaned forward and placed a hand on Anthony's. "You have my full support. I want nothing more than for Kate to have what I have found, and I think that if there is anyone who can make her happy and appreciate how wonderful she is, that man is you."

"Thank you," Anthony said, genuinely moved by Edwina's approval. Anthony stood then and gave a bow. "I shall not take up any more of your time. It seems I will have to come back to see your sister."

Edwina stood as well. "Of course, my Lord. And you are welcome, any time."

As Anthony went to grab his coat and hat from the person at the bottom of the stairs of Danbury House, he was stopped by a new visitor.

"Bridgerton!" greeted Thomas Dorset, a cheery smile on his face.

Anthony immediately tensed, unsure of how to feel about the man who had spent these last months in the company of the woman he had been dreaming of every night since the day they'd met. He looked past Dorset and noticed someone was conspicuously missing. "Where is Miss Sharma?"

Dorset, unaware of the tension in the air, answered congenially, "Kate? She actually went to visit with your sister, the Duchess of Hastings. They are having tea."

Anthony's jaw clenched at Dorset's casual use of Kate's name. "Tell me, Dorset. What exactly are your intentions with Miss Sharma?"

Dorset paused at the question, eyeing Anthony as if trying to solve a puzzle. Finally, he replied, "Not as nefarious as you seem to have conjured up in your mind. Though, why you are upset with me, I cannot fathom."

"You cannot fathom why I would ask whether your intentions are honorable when you have spent the last few months in the company of an unmarried woman unchaperoned in India, and now have the audacity to continue do so in London?!" Anthony's face was red with anger.

Dorset looked at Anthony with disbelief. "You cannot be serious?"

Anthony growled at the impertinent question. "I am quite serious."

Dorset started laughing as if Anthony was being ridiculous, which only angered Anthony even more. "My dear fellow, I tried to make you see sense and now you are upset with me? How many more letters was it going to take to get you to get off your stubborn arse and come to India?! My God, you are a right mutton-headed clodpole! I am so disappointed in you, Bridgerton. I had thought you had more honor than that, especially when it comes to the woman with whom you are clearly besotted."

"You are questioning my honor?!" Anthony's fists clenched at his sides. "She did not want me. She told me she wanted to go to India. To leave London. To leave me. She could not have been any clearer. I respected her wishes, as an honorable gentleman would do."

"So you told her you loved her and she simply shrugged her shoulders and said she was leaving?" Dorset asked, unconvinced.

"I—" Anthony paused. "I asked her to marry me! I could not have been any clearer."

"Oh, so the man who swore to all of England that he would never marry for love, that he only wanted the perfect, emotionless, dutiful Viscountess of gentle breeding to carry on the Bridgerton line, that man asked a woman who had no title or wealth to her name to marry him, and that man was surprised she said no? He did not see that maybe she thought he only asked her out of some misguided duty to protect her reputation? He did not see that he was making her feel as though he was being forced into a marriage he did not want, making her a burden . . . a lifelong regret . . . some kind of a punishment?"

Anthony stepped back a few steps, his mouth falling open in shock. What did Dorset mean? Was this how he had made Kate feel? He thought he could not be more of an idiot when it came to Kate, but apparently he plumbed new depths with everything when it came to her.

"Ahh, you truly did not learn anything useful at Oxford, did you? In case it is not abundantly clear, all that is between myself and the beautiful, incredible Kate Sharma is friendship, but you are lucky that is all there is. Because I would not have been as foolish with her heart as you have been." Dorset's face looked as angry as Anthony's was just a moment ago.

"I-I must go," Anthony said, brushing past Dorset. He needed to see Kate. Now. He could not allow her to spend another second believing he did not love her.

Renewed hope sped him along, because if Kate had not known he loved her, maybe he still had a chance to convince her to stay.

A/N: Thank you for all the kind comments. I know I meant to have Kate and Anthony cross paths this chapter, but I wanted to save it for the next. Hope you enjoyed this latest chapter!