It Was Never Supposed To Be You

Chapter Four: The Edges

Anthony rushed through the doors of Bridgerton House, shouting as soon as he caught sight of Daphne in the sitting room, "Where is she?!"

Daphne looked up from her embroidery, startled by her brother's outburst. "Do you mean Miss Sharma?"

"Of course I mean Miss Sharma, who else could I mean?" Anthony snapped back.

"Well, if you would just take a breath, I could tell you that she left a little while ago. I lent her Simon's carriage so she could be returned safely to Danbury House before it got too dark."

Anthony wanted to hit something. Break something. How was it that he never seemed to get the timing right when it came to Kate? And how could Daphne be sitting there so calmly when everything in his world was spinning wildly on its axis since he learned that he had bungled his proposal to Kate so badly that she did not even know he loved her, damning them both to a year apart for no reason at all.

"I am actually glad you missed her if this is how you planned to act the first time you saw her," Daphne said, raising her eyebrow at Anthony's disheveled state.

"I need to see her. I need to tell her something," Anthony bit out, pacing back and forth, agitation oozing from his body.

Daphne tutted at him with a click of her tongue. "If what you intended to tell her was that you love her, I am sure she would not have taken it well if you took this kind of tone with her."

Anthony stopped his pacing, staring at his sister in surprise. "You—how did you know what I wanted to say to her?"

Daphne rolled her eyes. "If you recall, I was the one who tried to tell you that perhaps there was someone else more suitable for you than Miss Edwina, but you went off and proposed to the wrong sister anyway."

Anthony ran a hand through his already messy hair. "I was wrong. I know I was wrong. Now help me fix this!"

Daphne smirked with satisfaction. "Take a seat and perhaps I shall share some of my invaluable wisdom."

Anthony glared at Daphne but begrudgingly obeyed as he sat down. "Well?!"

"Miss Sharma shared with me a few details about what passed between you two—"

"What did she say?!"

"Hush, let me speak," Daphne scolded him. "Based on what she shared with me, which she told me in the strictest of confidences, so you shall not hear me breathe a word of it . . . based on what I have learned, I do have some suggestions for how you should proceed. Because I am your sister and despite what you might think, I only want you to be happy, dear brother."

Anthony's heartbeat finally calmed down to a reasonable rate as he leaned forward, deciding to give Daphne's advice a try. After all, she had been the first to make him realize he had met the love of his life. Taking a deep breath, he tried his best to release the tension in his body. "I am listening."

"That is much better," Daphne smiled as she sat back in her seat. "Miss Sharma is brilliant, with a heart that is as loyal and as generous as any I have ever encountered."

Anthony nodded impatiently. "Yes, she is all of those things."

"But you, my stubborn brother, have not been careful with that heart," Daphne noted, her face turning serious. "You may have won it, but you did not understand it."

Anthony stilled. Had he heard that correctly? Did his sister just say he had won Kate's heart? When?! Kate wanted nothing to do with him the last time they spoke. In all his misguided schemes, his bursts of pride, and foolish attempts at protecting both of their honors, how could she possibly have given him her heart?

Well, none of that mattered now. He had apparently not been able to keep it since she had run far away from him as soon as she could. "I know I have made every mistake when it comes to Miss Sharma, but I shall do everything in my power to make it right." He had to put all his cards on the table now, no matter his pride, because he had no other choice. "I must because I cannot live without her."

Daphne's eyes softened with warmth. "I know you shall, so I have done you the favor of inviting Miss Sharma to Aubrey Hall in a few days for Francesca's engagement. She is not comfortable here in town, so you must see her in the country where she first realized you are more than just a stuffy Viscount who wanted to steal her sister's future happiness. You must allow her to remember the man she—the man she met there."

Anthony nodded, finding it hard to choose to continue to be apart from Kate when she was so near. "I shall be patient. It is the least she deserves."

"Good," Daphne smiled. She placed a hand on Anthony's shoulder and said warmly, "I know you have spent all these years believing you do not deserve love, Anthony, but you do. If only you had let yourself have it, you would have prevented two hearts from breaking."

Anthony knew his sister was right. He had let his pride, his fears, and his self-loathing keep him from Kate. No more. In three days, he would convince her to marry him . . . or spend every day of the rest of his life trying.

Three days later . . .

It was late by the time Anthony had made it to his family's country home, business keeping him in London far longer than he had liked. Now everyone was asleep and he had missed his chance to welcome Kate back to Aubrey Hall.

These past few days had been utter torture as he contemplated every manner in which he could tell Kate what was in his heart and persuade her that he could make her happy. He could, couldn't he? He would never ask her to marry him if he could not. He would rather suffer alone than tie her to him with no hope of the future she wanted.

He took off his coat and ran a hand through his wet hair, drenched from the rainstorm thundering outside. He had taken his horse instead of a carriage in hopes of getting here faster, not knowing there was a storm awaiting him and now he was paying for it.

A fire. What he needed was a fire and a hot bath. He quickly called for a bath to be drawn and headed up towards his chambers to change into dry clothes while he waited for the bath to be prepared.

As he raced up the steps, his body quickly started to warm. Not through any heat source, but rather at the knowledge that Kate was here, back in his family's home. Where she belonged.

After changing clothes, he trailed down the shadowed hallway to allow the maid time to prepare his bath. He was surprised to see a flicker of light coming in from a crack in the door of the library. Goosebumps prickled along his skin as he remembered the last time this had happened. Kate. He rushed down the hallway and peered inside but his heart sank when he saw a candle but no sign of her. Still, it was reckless of someone to leave a candle lit, so he went inside the library to blow it out.

He was stopped when he felt a presence in the room. He looked around but saw nothing in the shadows. Strange. He was sure someone was in here.

Then he heard a small gasp and he realized it was coming from behind the large desk at the edge of the room. When he quickly came round, his heart stopped at what he saw.

There, curled into a corner beneath, in nothing but a thin white gown and a shawl was Kate. His beautiful, brilliant Kate, looking as terrified as he had ever seen her.

"Oh my God, Kate, what are you doing down here?" He crouched down and placed his hands on her trembling shoulders. Then the sound of thunder clapped and echoed in the library and she scrambled back deeper under the desk as if she could make herself disappear.

Anthony panicked, worried for her and helpless as to how to help her. Seeing Kate in distress was unbearable. He quickly crawled under the desk and reached for her hand, squeezing it between his own. "It is okay, you are all right. I am here. You are safe. I promise." He spoke the words slowly and as calmly as he could despite his own racing heart.

Kate seemed to be drawn out of her daze by his voice and relief washed over him as her eyes slowly opened. "Lord Bridgerton?" she whispered.

The sound of her voice twisted his heart. He had spent months longing to hear it but he did not want to hear it this way, so broken and quiet. "Yes, I am here. What do you need? Whatever it is, I shall make it so, just tell me."

As thunder crashed again, her eyes squeezed shut, but her hands went to grab his arm and she pulled him to her, fear gripping her entire being. He quickly wrapped his arms around her, wanting nothing more than to protect her from this. If he could control the weather, he would ensure she never had to hear the sound of thunder ever again. "Shhhh, it is just a noise. Nothing that can hurt you."

She shook her head but let him pull her closer into his embrace. She had told him she did not like thunderstorms but he had not realized the true extent of her fear. Had this happened before?

"Kate, what does your mother do when there is a thunderstorm? Or your sister? Does anything help make it easier for you?"

Kate's eyes popped open and the sheer panic he saw there shattered something so vital inside him that he was not sure he could ever recover. She whispered furiously, "No, they do not know. They cannot know." The desperate plea in her voice made him bleed for her. "I-I have not let them see me like this since he died. I did not want them to send me away. I was afraid—"

Anthony squeezed her tightly in his arms, not wanting to hear another painful word.

A choking cry fell from Kate's lips as she trembled in his arms. "I did not want to be a burden on them. I did not want to lose them too."

His heart wanted to burst out of his chest, horrified that Kate ever believed that her fear would lead her family to abandon her. The rage he felt overwhelmed him. It was not directed at Kate's family or to her, but to the version of him that had lived his life all these years not being there by her side in times like this. She had spent years suffering with this secret all alone and he could not bear it. His precious, brave, wonderful Kate.

Anthony could not take it anymore. He lifted her face to force her to look at him, his fingers threading through her hair, as if they had no other choice. "You could never be a burden, you maddening woman. You are a gift to every single person who is fortunate enough to breathe the same air as you do. I do not want to hear you ever say or think that ever again or I will be forced to persuade you in ways that will very much compromise my honor as a gentleman."

Kate's eyes widened in shock.

He pressed his lips to her forehead, no longer caring about propriety because he needed to comfort her, to fix this so she would not live another day thinking she was not worthy of everything she desired. "You will never have to go through this alone ever again. I swear it."

They sat together in silence, Anthony holding her as she shook each time the thunder roared through the library windows. It could have been minutes, hours, or days, it did not matter. They were together in this quiet space, and Anthony wanted to be nowhere else. Slowly, he felt her body relax into his, allowing him to be her literal shelter from the storm.

"Thank you," she finally said, after there was a break in the noise.

"You should not thank me," Anthony growled, angry at this whole situation. "You should have told me. I would have—"

"What could you have done, my Lord? Declare that thunderstorms shall never be allowed at Aubrey Hall?"

He chuckled softly, thinking she knew him so well. Then another loud clap of thunder sounded and she was back to shaking in his arms again. He realized he needed to do something to distract Kate from the panic. "Dorset told me something interesting when I saw him a few days ago."

Kate was still shivering and it made everything in Anthony ache for her. Her eyes were focused elsewhere and he wanted so badly to reach her.

"He mentioned that perhaps you left England thinking I did not love you," Anthony whispered. "I told him that could not be. You could not have been that stupid."

Kate suddenly turned, her eyes finally meeting his with the familiar fire he had missed so much. "I was the stupid one?!" If looks could kill a man, he'd be ash right then.

"I proposed to you! After we spent a night together in the gazebo at my mother's house. How could you not know that I loved you?"

Kate's anger came sudden and bright and Anthony could not have been happier to see it. "Maybe because you also proposed to my sister out of a sense of duty when you clearly did not love her? Perhaps because the first words out of your mouth were of regret? How was I to know that the proposal you were making after one regrettable night together, after you had confessed to feeling guilt for having taken liberties with me, was a confession of love?"

Anthony took a deep breath. Now that he had her attention, he could tell her the truth. "You are right. Of course you are right. I was a damn fool for not making it absolutely clear in my first breath that I wanted you by my side every night and every morning and for the rest of my life because I have never been happier than when I am with you. You changed my entire world, made me change my mind about something I had sworn would be the one truth in my life. Despite everything I know about how much love can ruin a man, how much it can ruin a family, if things go wrong, you made me want it anyway. Because it would be worth it if I could love you. If I could have you, if I could keep you by my side, however many days I am lucky enough to live, it would all be worth it."

Kate sat there frozen, her beautiful eyes round with shock, this time not from the roaring storm outside, but from the onslaught of his words of devotion. "You . . . what are you . . . what do you mean?"

Anthony curled a tendril of hair behind her ear as he caressed her face, as if he could not contain the absolute relief to be able to touch her again. "You said once that a man like me could not be with someone like you, but that is not true. I could not be with anyone but you. Because your wild spirit, your stubborn strength, your unwillingness to accept what is expected of you, are exactly what I love most about you."

Love?! He spoke now of love when the last memory she had of him was the pained look on his face when he saw she had survived her accident and was now forced to marry her? Her forehead crinkled in confusion. "I do not understand how this can be. When you wanted to break the engagement with my sister you did not say you wanted to marry me instead, you said we would never see each other again! You were glad to be rid of me until I compromised your honor and you felt like you had to marry me. Because you are a gentleman," she reminded him, her face bright with anger.

"Because I was a fool who thought I could escape heartbreak if I escaped you," he confessed breathlessly. "But it was impossible. How could I ever forget you? You are here," he said, his hand over his heart. "You will always be here."

Tears filled her eyes as she absorbed his words. She could not speak. What could she say when his confessions were beyond what she was even capable of dreaming? She had wished that he might want her in spite of all her flaws and imperfections. She could never imagine that he could find the core of her as something to recommend her.

His hands were at her face again, holding her so gently that it made her want to cry. "You barged into the world I knew and filled it with color and fire, burning away everything I was willing to settle for. I do not grieve the ashes, not even for a moment. I want only what I see when I imagine spending the rest of my life with you, Kate."

The earnestness in his voice filled her heart with joy. She could only see the golden, powerful truth of his words and she was sure she was levitating. She wanted to tell him she had spent the last year wanting the exact same thing, that she had ached for it every night, felt the yearning every day, and yet she still could not speak as he looked at her with the tenderness she had never thought she deserved.

Anthony closed his eyes as he made his next confession. "I have never done anything that would risk my honor until you asked me to marry your sister. I knew then that your happiness, your wishes, mattered more than anything else in my life. Whatever pain I felt for having to let go of you was nothing if I knew it was what you wanted. So when you told me not to propose, to let you leave for India, I let you go knowing that every day without you would be emptier and lonelier than anything I had felt before I knew you."

Kate felt the tears spill now, regret filling her as she realized the pain she had inflicted upon him because of her fears and self-doubt.

"It may not surprise you to know that you are not the first woman who has told me to let them go. But you were the first to make me ignore my own feelings on the matter and break my own heart to do it."

Kate caressed his face, hoping to smooth out the pain she saw there. They were so close that their noses touched and she brushed hers against his. "I did not know," she confessed. "I thought I was just another obligation that would keep you chained to a life you did not want. I could not do that to you."

"I know that now," he sighed against her lips. "You are right about one thing. I was miserable martyring myself for my siblings, so focused on making sure I was the perfect Viscount that I forgot that I could also choose to be happy. But then I met you. You showed me what it was to breathe fresh air, to breathe your lilies into my lungs, instead of drowning myself in misery and responsibilities."

As he took an intake of breath straight from her lips, she gasped, a shiver running down her spine. How he could make her burn without touching her. It was an infuriating, beautiful thing.

He pressed his cheek to hers as he whispered into her ear, "Every night you were away, I fought against sleep because I knew I would find you in my dreams. I could not escape you there, pretend we had ever met, or act as if I did not know you. And yet as much as it hurt, I ached for it because it was my only chance to be with you. To hold you and be near you. I deserved to lose you, to be tortured with only the memory of you. I knew I did not deserve you."

Kate pulled away instantly, shaking her head furiously. She lifted his face so that his eyes met hers. "You do. You think you are not good enough, but you are. You are loyal, you are honorable, you are honest, and you are an incredible brother to all seven of your siblings."

His gaze on her darkened with intensity as he absorbed her words. She wondered if he heard the truth of them, as truthful as any of the confessions he had made to her.

She did not avert her eyes, wanting to be sure that he understood and believed every word. "As for me, a woman with nothing to recommend me, you listened to my opinion even when we disagreed, you accepted defeat—though not so humbly—every time I bested you, you defended me against my sister's grandparents . . . and then you followed my idiotic choice to force you into marriage with my sister, when we both knew it would be a mistake. You expect too much of yourself, Anthony, when you have done more than any man I have ever met to protect those you love."

Anthony's shoulders slumped in slight relief and he leaned closer into her touch. "Please, give me the chance to deserve you. I can be better. I can do my best to give you all the things you need to be happy and maybe with time you will learn to care for me. I just cannot believe that with all that is in my heart for you, that you could never feel the same. It would be too cruel. Let me earn your love, Kate. No man on this earth shall fight as hard as I shall to be worthy of you."

"Love is not earned, my Lord. It just is." Kate finally realized in that moment what Mary had tried to tell her. Once someone was in your heart, they did not need to pay in good deeds to stay there. It was their home, no matter what they did. "And I do not want you to change. I want the man who is always honest with me even when it is vexing. I want the man who is proud and competitive, who believes fiercely in his convictions, but will admit when he is wrong. Or else you would not be the man I fell in love with, would you?"

"You love me?" The break in Anthony's voice betrayed the vulnerability of the question.

Kate's eyes crinkled in amusement. "Yes, my Lord. Are you even listening to me?"

"How is that possible? No one except my family can even tolerate me." Anthony looked sincerely perplexed and it only made Kate love him more.

Kate laughed, and the sound warmed Anthony to the core. He could barely form words at this revelation.

Anthony stared at her in disbelief. "I thought you hated me."

She scowled slightly. "I did hate you. You made me want to do things that were selfish, that could hurt my sister. You distracted me and ruined all of my plans. Even worse, you made me want things I should not want."

Anthony shook his head at the pair of them. "And as I have told you before, what exactly is it you think you do to me?"

She laughed then, and the sound pierced the thunder that was still roaring outside. "My Lord, I think we have both proven that despite how intelligent we both believe ourselves to be, when it comes to matters of the heart, we are blind fools."

Anthony smiled so widely, he was sure his face would crack with the joy of it. She loved him. This was real. She was real. More than he ever deserved, but real nonetheless. He would take it, and not question the fairness of having the love of the best woman he had ever known. "I shall gladly be a fool for you, Kathani Sharma. For as long as you will let me."

She smiled back at him, tears in her eyes, but clearly tears of joy. Then they both leaned forward, sealing their heartfelt confessions with a kiss that seemed to settle their lonely souls.

The storm, it seemed, had passed.

A/N: Thank you so much for all the wonderful, encouraging comments. Every single one gives me so much inspiration to keep writing. Just one chapter left, with a proposal that I hope lives up to your expectations.