It Was Never Supposed To Be You

Chapter Five: The Final Pieces

Kate stood by her favorite horse in the stables at Aubrey Hall, brushing her fingers through the dark mane as she reintroduced herself to the noble mare, the morning dew still fresh in the dawn air. She had not ridden since her accident over a year ago, and she missed it as much as she feared it. Still, she wanted the ride to empty her mind of her worries of what awaited her and Anthony once their feelings were revealed to their families, and then to the ton at large.

After a lifetime of disappointment, it was hard to shake the feeling that any happiness she was imagining would be fleeting. The what-ifs kept her up most of the night.

"I think she has missed you as much as I have," a familiar voice called from behind Kate.

She smiled before turning around, Anthony's voice bringing warm pleasant feelings rather than the cold ache from before when she only had dreams of him to hold onto. "I am surprised you are awake this early, my Lord."

Anthony sighed. "Ahh, you presume I have slept."

Kate's smile dropped and she twisted her hands together anxiously. Had he been up all night with worries as she had? "I know that us being together will be very difficult for your family to hear, especially on a day of celebration for Francesca. Perhaps we should wait to tell them." Her voice turned to a shaky whisper, as it pained her to say her next words. "It is not too late to change your mind. No one saw us last night. I would not want—"

"Hush," Anthony demanded, pulling her to him by the waist, one hand holding her face to meet his. "What thoughts are going through that silly mind of yours?"

She was uncertain against his intense gaze. "We did not discuss the consequences of what shall happen if we marry." When he did not immediately answer, she frowned and added, "If you expect me to be your mistress, then let me quickly relieve you of that option—"

Anthony kissed the panicked words right out of her, and she melted, the taste of him filling her with the certainty that he loved her, serving to quiet the doubts in her mind.

"You live to vex me as much as I vex you," he grumbled, stealing another kiss from her lips. "I love you. I shall have it printed in every scandal sheet and newspaper in London right now if that is what it shall take for you to understand that I do not care what anyone else will say about it. All I care about is you. If I could get a special license today, we would already be married."

Kate pressed her forehead against his, shaking her head. "Then why could you not sleep?"

"Because you were here and I knew that in a few hours I could be with you again . . . You were out of my reach for nearly a year. How could I waste a minute sleeping?"

Kate pulled away in surprise. "I had trouble sleeping for very different reasons," she admitted. "It is just that I have lived my entire life believing that I would never get married, let alone marry for love . . . oh, I am getting ahead of myself. You have not even asked me—"

"I have simply been waiting for you to allow it," Anthony interrupted. "If anyone makes orders in this relationship, it is you, and I am but your humble servant awaiting your command."

Kate had to take a moment to absorb his words. She stared up into his dark eyes, bathing in the warmth of his attention. He made her feel not only worthy but a treasure to be cherished.

Anthony leaned closer to her and said softly, "I hope your next command is to marry you because I cannot be happy without you in my life, Kate. Do not ask it of me. You must marry me."

The sincere plea in his face made her heart leap in her chest. Unable to voice her emotions, she instead asked with a quirk of her brow, "Are you trying to guilt me into marrying you, Lord Bridgerton?"

"Is it working?"

Kate laughed. "You do understand that the only reason it is working is because I already love you and cannot bear for you to be unhappy, right?"

Anthony brushed his thumb along her cheek, a tender caress that had her leaning into the palm of his hand. He eyed her cautiously. "But I have been told that you want to be free of the ton. I shall do all in my power to protect you, but the gossip and the attention cannot be avoided if you become my Viscountess. Is it what you want?"

Kate's heart broke a little for Anthony and the hopelessness in his eyes thinking he could not offer her what she wanted. "I want to be with you, whatever that entails. I would be proud to be your Viscountess."

He let out a breath, his face a mix of awe and relief.

"What would you have said if I said no?" Kate smirked at him.

"I would have told Benedict to start learning the ledgers because I would be running away to India with my bride," Anthony grinned.

Kate closed her eyes, trying to wrap her mind around this beautiful man who offered her the world. No one in her life had ever placed her needs first the way he did. She feared she would get used to it, come to expect it and then where would she be? Could she truly entrust this man with her heart and her future?

Then her eyes opened at the sound of him dropping to both of his knees, and her mind emptied of all her remaining doubts. He pulled out a purple velvet box from his jacket pocket and she lost the ability to breathe. When he opened it, she gasped at the ring inside. He looked nervously up at her as he asked, "Will you do me the greatest honor of being my wife and my Viscountess?"

Kate could no longer hold back her joy. "Yes! I shall marry you!" Though the last word got lost as she pulled him up and kissed him, grinning like a fool against his lips.

Anthony wrapped his arms around her, his joy potent in the way he kissed her. It was as if he knew he would be able to do this for the rest of his life but he still could not get enough of her.

Moments later, she finally pulled back to take a breath, when he delicately placed the ring on her finger. A perfect fit.

"Luckily my jeweler already knew your size," Anthony remarked.

"I do not think now is a good time to remind me that you had a ring sized for my sister," Kate teased, but there was no anger in her voice. Instead, she was busy admiring the beautiful gold floral design of the ring. "But this is not the ring you had before," she pointed out, glancing back up at him. "When did you get this?"

"I told the jeweler to make it the day I learned you were returning," he explained. "I did not want to give you my parents' betrothal ring because I do not want to start my future with you with something from the past. I want us to start our own family and tell our own story."

"I love it," she whispered, her eyes glassy with tears.

"They're lilies," he said, running his finger across the ring.

Kate could only nod as her heart nearly exploded with more happiness than she thought she'd ever deserve. Anthony had the uncanny ability to tear down all her insecurities and make her feel like she was his entire world.

Suddenly, the horse by her side made a noise as if she too approved of the ring. Anthony sucked in a breath, and Kate looked up at him with concern as a shadow crossed his face. His eyes flickered to the horse behind her. "When you were unconscious in my arms that morning of your accident, I froze. I did not know how to help you, how to turn back time so that I did not drive you to go riding in the rain. And all I could think was that it was supposed to be me. I was destined to die young like my father had."

Kate shook her head furiously, angry at the thought. "No, Anthony. It was only an accident. None of it was your fault."

"Even if I believed that, only one thought kept running through my mind." He was barely able to say the words as his throat tightened with emotion, his eyes falling to his feet in shame. "It was never supposed to be you."

Hot tears burned through her, seeing the raw pain in Anthony's face. She had never realized how much her accident had affected him. She thought it was his indifference that made him stay away, and obligation that made him finally show up. It never occurred to her that it was fear that kept him from her. This man who loved with everything he had, she should have known better.

Still averting his eyes, he went on. "You did not grow up in this world of rules and rituals. Marriage here is not about love, it is about finances and status. But that was fine with me because it was all I could handle."

"And I was wrong to judge you for it," Kate answered, knowing that she understood this man now.

"No, you only wanted your sister to be happy, to have the kind of love that she deserves. It is only that my parents were my only example of a marriage built on love and all I learned from it was how love could destroy a family."

Kate ran her fingers along his face, lifting his chin to face her. All she wanted was to take the sadness away, wishing they had known each other sooner so she could have helped carry the burden with him.

"This grief I carry was why I panicked that day in the gardens. I had lost my father, the best man I have ever known, to a mere bee, and it nearly broke my entire family. I feared the same future. If a man as great as my father could meet such a tragic fate, what chance would I have of doing any better?"

Kate's heart twisted, knowing he was gifting her a terrible secret he'd been keeping all these years.

"I was afraid to leave my wife behind as broken as my mother had been." Then he whispered, "But that morning I found you bleeding, I realized I had made one crucial error in judgment." He swallowed back his tears as he confessed, "I did not know that I should have also feared being the one left behind."

Kate found it hard to breathe to see him in so much pain. "Oh, Anthony, I know what it is to lose someone you love, and I should have seen what you were going through!" She pressed a kiss to his lips, wanting to remind him that she was here now. That he could set down the pain he had carried with him all these years.

He looked back at her with wonder in his eyes. "You could not have, you were recovering from a head injury."

She marveled at him. He would fight with her with all his might but he'd always protect her feelings. He made her feel safe in a way she'd never found from anyone else, not even her family. "You know, that day in the gardens meant a lot to me too. It was when I saw it for the first time. You—as much as we disagree—you are my mirror. I used to panic in India whenever there were monsoons, thunderstorms, any kind of severe weather, and it was my father who helped me breathe through it, telling me to follow his breath. After he died, I tried to teach myself to breathe through it on my own. But I know how difficult that is alone."

"The most terrifying moment of my life since my father died was realizing right then that I needed you and I could lose you. Before you, I could go about my days drowning in self-loathing and driving forward with my unwanted sacrifices. Then I met you and all I could do was feel. I acted like a fool whenever I was near you, forgetting everything I needed to be as Viscount and my father's legacy. You exposed the ugliness I was trying so hard to hide, my failures when it came to protecting my family. And yet, I could not walk away."

Kate wanted to argue, wanted to tell him how wrong he was for thinking his vulnerability made her think less of him, but he cut her off.

"I think it is because my heart wanted you to know me as who I truly am, to humble myself before you and pray that you find something there worth loving."

Anthony held his breath, not realizing he was going to confess all of this to Kate, but she made it feel like it was the only thing he could do.

She gazed up at him like he hung the stars and the moon and he did not know how he could be so lucky. She ran her hand along his jaw and her touch softened the tension there. "You are an imperfect human like the rest of us. Not simply a Viscount, not even a rake, but a man who has lived through senseless tragedy and came out the other side stronger, more loyal and more dedicated to your family. You just forgot that you also deserve the happiness you want to provide them. It is the cross we bear being the oldest."

Kate was right. He was her mirror as she was his. In the year she had been gone, he remembered how she had irritated him from the start, but only because she was just as overprotective and obnoxious about Edwina as he had been about Daphne and he did not like being shown his own prideful, overbearing nature.

She continued on, her hands cradling his face as her eyes focused on his. "Your weaknesses are not the same as your flaws, my Lord. They are what made me see myself in you. They are what I learned to love about you and about myself. Do not shame yourself for them."

He could see that loving Kate meant loving all of her, and that, in a way, let him forgive himself his past mistakes because he saw the honor in her actions, which made him think perhaps he was not such a failure as a brother after all.

"Before I met you, I did not want to enter the running to find a husband, afraid that no one would want to marry a woman like me. Too harsh, too blunt, too sharp around the edges."

"Kate," Anthony tried to interrupt, but she pressed a finger to his lips.

"I must tell you everything even if it is foolish because I want you to know me, as well as you want me to know you."

Anthony wanted to kiss her again just for saying that. She never ceased to amaze him.

"I truly did not believe you could willingly want to marry me. After everything you said about what you want in a wife, in a Viscountess, and me coming from an entirely different world from yours with nothing to offer, not even a dowry, how could anyone think I would make a good wife to you?"

He wanted to laugh at what an idiot he had been to have proclaimed so confidently his requirements for a wife. He was just too small-minded to be able to imagine a woman as wondrous as the woman who stood before him. "Who else could help me manage my siblings? Remind me that I do not always know best? Allow me time outside of my responsibilities to be free? Kate, it could only have been you. I just was too blind to realize it. Yes, we do not always agree, and we may not be what the ton thinks is acceptable, but none of that matters. I only want to fight with you by my side from now on, for the future neither of us thought would be possible."

Kate's smile returned and he was so relieved to see it. Then she kissed him. His brave, beautiful, soon-to-be wife.

"I hate to say it, but I believe I owe Dorset a debt," Anthony sighed.

Kate looked at him in surprise. "For what?"

"He made me realize that I was punishing us both with my stupidity." Anthony tucked a tendril of her hair behind her ear, knowing that he could not stop touching her for fear she would disappear. "I thought the worst thing would be to lose you to death, but losing you and knowing you were still alive was so much worse. Please, promise me that no matter how angry or frustrated I make you, you will not threaten to go to India again."

Kate's eyes softened as she absorbed his words, but then something flashed in her eyes, and she began laughing. "Was that why you were so upset at the ball at Aubrey Hall? You thought I was threatening you when I told you I was leaving for India?"

Anthony looked at her in astonishment. "Indeed! You were willing to do anything to stop me from marrying your sister. What else could I conclude?"

Kate shook her head in amusement. "If you recall, my Lord, you and I hated each other then. What kind of silly threat would it have been to threaten to release you from my presence?"

"The kind that makes me forget how to breathe," he confessed, his voice raw and gravelly. "You were already in my blood by then. How could you think I could let you go?"

She gasped at his confession, her humor gone.

"Kate, you cannot expect me to think logically when it comes to you. Leaving was the worst thing you could have said to me then. The thought of not having you around . . . it made me insane."

"And you think you made it any easier for me? Every kiss, every moment with you was desperate because I thought it would be all I could have, but I wanted it anyway, even though I knew it could destroy my family and my future." She pressed her body closer to his and he welcomed the warmth of her. "When you enter a room it is as though I can see no one else. I feel as if I cannot breathe the air until you are inches from my lips. It is maddening and yet I could not make myself avoid you."

He suddenly realized how close they were and he wanted to step back, the mere power of her presence always sending him back on his heels. The scent of her, the essence of her, shaking the last threads of his control. He could not allow this, not when she needed him to show her that he was a man who loved and respected her, not just the man who desperately wanted to devour her. He had already made that mistake once before and lost her. He would not risk it again. But then she blinked up at him through dark lashes and he was hypnotized. "You were wrong."

"About what?" Her voice was breathless, and it made everything in him suddenly more alive.

"You said it was just passion, that it would pass."

"I did not know any better. It came on so quickly I was sure it would leave the same way. Or maybe I was just hoping it would." Her eyes were intent on his mouth, and he wanted to groan aloud.

He inhaled, letting the scent of her fill his lungs. "Despite my earlier proclamations, when it comes to seduction, you do not need to learn anything from me. I suspect you did not even know you were doing it. Racing me across the park on a hopeless gray day, whistling my ear drums off at the races, dancing with such confidence that I barely knew who was leading the dance, going hunting without any ladylike pretense, and setting me down constantly without hesitation, without flattery . . . you were impossible to resist."

That tension that seemed to wrap around them every time they were together felt familiar, and yet more intense than ever before. His lips were a breath away from hers, but he just wanted to wait, to savor the moment. He realized the cold bath he had taken the night before had done nothing to cool his feelings towards her.

Kate let out a breath, her body trembling beneath his touch. "And what of you, my Lord? You are unreasonably handsome. Obnoxiously, maddeningly, annoyingly handsome. And your hair . . . I just want to touch it all the time. It is quite irritating." But she didn't keep her feigned frown for long as he lifted her up in his arms and spun her around, sending giggles right through her.

"Have you looked in the mirror, my love? You are the most beautiful woman in England. I suspect I shall suffer for the next several seasons when every other man realizes he missed out on the chance to have you . . . when they see how obnoxiously, maddeningly, and annoyingly happy you make me."

"Is it awful that I look forward to that?" Kate smiled, her eyes twinkling with delight.

"You do enjoy seeing me suffer," Anthony laughed. "But I will gladly suffer anything if it makes you happy."

"You know, I am glad you did not claim that awful poem you read at Lady Danbury's soiree."

Anthony raised an eyebrow. "Why is that?"

"Your words, and your deeds, all that you are, is better than any silly poem," Kate admitted.

Anthony chuckled. "I will be sure to let Benedict know you said that."

"I love you," Kate said, suddenly feeling the need to remind him. Though the words felt too simple for everything that coursed through her heart when it came to Anthony.

"Good, because I love you. You know, the best thing I have ever done is trick you into feeling the same way about me," Anthony joked.

It was quite a trick, Kate thought. As it had taken them their entire lives up until that point to become the exact, perfect fit for each other, the final pieces now locking them into place. She knew nothing could break them apart now.

Later that day, after a brisk race through the park, Anthony and Kate broke the news of their engagement to their families. To their amusement, all they got in return was a chorus of "Finally!" from every person in the room. Though there was no surprise amongst the small crowd, there was joy. Overwhelming joy for the both of them to have finally found their way back to each other. That and a few smug smiles from Dorset, Daphne and Edwina. It was about time.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading this short story I dreamed up to let out all my show hangover thoughts. I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for every single review. They make me so grateful to have you as readers.