AN: I thank you again for the reviews. Tough times ahead, hang on tight. See you again on Friday.
The apartment she was assigned in Milwaukee was what the city's head leader Lydia Stanley had described as a corporate apartment. She explained to Tris that they reserved these residences for their extended guests, fully furnished and designed to be a home away from home. It was a two bedroom, two bathroom space, with a sprawling balcony overlooking the city. It was quiet and beautiful, and it helped soften the pain she was still feeling over her separation from Eric.
Her first day there was similar to her first day in Dauntless years ago. One of the first orders of business was her physical, something all of the cities government officials had to go through in order to be cleared for the various duties of their positions.
Tris was just slipping her baggy sweater back over her head when there was a brief knock at the door of the exam room she'd been in for the past hour and a half, "Come in." She calls out.
"Hi Mrs. Coulter, I am Dr. Stevens and I wanted to go over your physical results with you." The older woman says as she takes a seat across from Tris.
"You can call me Tris." She replies as she sits back in her own chair.
"Tris, there's something we needed to talk about-"
"Is it my pregnancy?" Tris asks and the doctor's deep brown eyes meet hers.
"You already know?" She asks and Tris nods her head, "It's not indicated anywhere on your forms, so we weren't sure if this was known or if you had assumed the missing menstrual cycles were from your prevention serum in your city."
"I've known for months now, however there were things that happened back in Chicago that caused me to keep it hidden. I'm barely showing even though I am twenty weeks." Tris sighs.
"Tris, have you gotten any prenatal care at all?" Dr. Stevens asks.
She shakes her head, "Not like I should. My husband was seriously injured and he spent almost four months in the hospital recovering from a gunshot wound to his chest. I found out I was pregnant when I attempted to have my blood typed for donation when he was in desperate need of transfusions. I went for a checkup after that. They gave me vitamins and I went back a couple of times while we were there. I didn't know what to do, and I had gone through a pretty serious situation myself that put the pregnancy at risk. I didn't think it would be real…." She trails off, then wipes some tears from her face. "Eric was so touch and go, I thought for sure I would lose him, and when he pulled through I was just focused on him. I found out he didn't want children, so I just didn't tell him, and here I am. I'm so sorry, I'm just spilling out my life story here."
"There is nothing to apologize for, I do know some of your background based on what Lydia had shared and knew you were coming from a rather traumatic experience. I didn't want my nurses to deliver this type of news if you were completely unaware. If you'd like, we can check on the baby right now. We have all of the necessary equipment to get a good look." She smiles warmly.
"I'd like that." Tris replies shakily.
While the team is readying the room for Tris' ultrasound, she is lost in thought. Besides the hospital physician back in Erudite, no one knew of her pregnancy. Her dedication to working out kept her in phenomenal shape, that and her natural curves hid the evidence of the slight changes very well, and the one and only time she'd been intimate with Eric since his release from the hospital she managed to leave her shirt on since they were so lost in the moment. Their constant bickering had kept them apart for the most part, and his negative reaction to her bringing up children caused her to keep her secret to herself. She hadn't terminated the pregnancy because she couldn't bring herself to make that decision without Eric, even though he'd married her without her knowledge. She also had no idea if that was the only piece of him she'd have left when his health took such a drastic turn. After all of their recent conversations, she'd hoped to still be in Milwaukee by the time the baby was born, and she'd been considering either raising it alone or adoption.
She'd also held on to the slim hope that Eric and she could make this decision together.
She follows the instructions of the technician to lie back on the table, and when she pulls her shirt up she actually can see the faintest outline of a bump. The gel is warm on her belly, and when she sees her baby on the screen she actually breaks down in tears. Even through the video images, the profile of her child is just like looking at Eric, the same forehead shape, the nose and even the shape of their lips.
"He looks just like my husband," Tris sniffles as she's handed tissues.
"You already know the sex?" The technician asks and Tris shakes her head at the woman, "Do you want it confirmed?"
"No. I don't think I can handle that right now." Tris replies.
"That's okay, we can still go through a thorough exam for you." She smiles.
They take measurements, confirming once again that she's measuring at around twenty weeks, which corresponds to right before she and Eric took that fucking box to Jeanine. She had no idea they'd conceived, and when she first found out she was pregnant she was almost inconsolable, the fear of what she'd put her body through with the sims and the very real future she was looking at with Eric teetering on the edge of death made her push all rational thoughts about acknowledging an unplanned pregnancy out of her mind. She'd avoided all of this, confused on what she would do, and afraid to bond with the life inside of her. She takes some information about adoption and agrees to a follow up appointment with Dr. Stevens as well.
She walks away from the building feeling a heavy emotional burden, but she puts on a happy face and reports to her first day at work.
By her second day in the city, she's grown a little less uneasy. Lydia is a kind and fair leader, and it's evident that her staff adores her. She's prepared an office for Tris, and much like the apartment that was provided for her there are personal touches that make Tris feel like a welcomed part of the city.
That evening, she's curled up on her couch looking over her notes when Eric calls her the first time.
"I know I promised to give you space, is calling okay?" He asks once she's said hello.
"Yes, of course." She replies.
"How is it there? Lydia said you'd arrived safe and sound and were settling in nicely."
"It's an adjustment, things are quiet and calm at times, very unlike Dauntless. The people I've met thus far are incredibly kind and welcoming. They really seem to love Lydia here."
He takes a deep breath, and then is quiet for several beats.
"Eric, what's wrong?" She asks.
"I was wrong for tricking you into signing a marriage license. I'm sorry for that. I went into protective mode, I needed to know you'd have all of my money, the apartment, my insurance, everything I worked for. I needed you to have the death benefits that are awarded to the next of kin for any leader killed in the line of duty. All I've ever had is my job, and I wanted you to have everything I had worked for."
"If it was just for those reasons why would you not want to get it annulled when we could?" She asks.
"Why would I annul a marriage to someone I love?" He replies simply.
"Why would you want to be married to someone who may not have the same vision for their future as you?" She counters.
He's quiet again, and Tris internally debates whether or not she should tell Eric about the pregnancy. She'd hidden it for so long, wanting to hold on to what they had for as long as she could, but she feels awful hiding something as significant as this from him.
"Maybe one day I will. I don't know, Tris. It feels like a cop out." He finally huffs.
"How so?" She asks.
"Like you just want some reason to not be married."
She sits up and grips the phone so tightly her fingers actually hurt, "You're reducing my actual feelings to some sort of excuse to end a marriage?"
"You wouldn't even acknowledge we lived together-"
"So that convinced you I was ready to be married to you?" She interrupts.
"I thought I was doing what was best for you in case shit went sideways!"
"Shit did go sideways, Eric. You almost died! I was there for all of it, for every code called, for every seizure, blood transfusion, the stroke, every last thing you went through I was there for it. I slept in your room, I called for emergency help so many times when you'd have a seizure, and they pulled the family into a room more than once to decide whether or not to use heroic measures to save you if you were to code again. I prepared myself repeatedly to lose you, and when we finally were back in a place where you were recovering you completely lost it on me. We never talked about us, we talked about your fucking city and how we ruined it."
"Oh and don't forget the first time you wanted to have a serious talk about our marriage you decided to just spring having fucking kids on me like it was the answer to some sort of fucking test! You know what Tris, calling you was a mistake. Maybe once your friend pops out the kids she's carrying you'll get over this baby fever bullshit and actually talk to me about us." He says coldly before disconnecting their call.
She stares in disbelief at her phone and then puts it on the couch next to herbefore curling up on the couch and sobbing.
She wakes up with swollen eyes and a sore back, but she powers through everything and pulls herself together in order to get to work. She had several missed texts and calls from Eric, all apologizing profusely for his behavior. She simply sent a reply asking him for space.
That first week is more of the same, Tris putting on a happy face and powering through busy days with no one understanding the pain she's going through. By her second Friday there, she and Lydia are about three quarters of the way through their day when the older leader finally steps outside of protocol.
"Tris, forgive me if I am overstepping, but are you doing okay? Is there anything I or my team can do to make your transition here to Milwaukee more comfortable?"
Tris is caught off guard and she struggles to find an answer at first, "Um, no, I've felt very welcome here."
"You do know that your husband is more than welcome to stay here with you, we could even arrange for remote working so he could support Chicago while being here with you." Lydia offers and Tris sighs.
"I don't want him here. We're not in agreement on some rather important things." Tris replies. Lydia glances briefly at Tris's abdomen and Tris notices, "Do you know about my physical?"
"Tris, I can assure you that everything that's reported to me is held at the utmost discretion." Lydia replies.
"Good, because Eric doesn't know." Tris replies immediately and she doesn't miss the brief flash of surprise on Lydia's face.
"We wouldn't discuss anything regarding your medical results with anyone outside of you. I do talk to him regularly, and we've not once discussed that particular item, so I had a feeling that something was amiss. Again, I do not want to overstep, I just want you to know that you have support here."
"I need to tell Eric before he hears about it from someone else. We obviously never planned this, and then his recovery from the gunshot wound was extensive. We haven't had the easiest time with communication."
"Tris, there is no judgment here, and you certainly don't have to explain yourself to me." Lydia replies gently.
"Thank you for your kindness, and for keeping this under wraps for a little while longer. I do appreciate you."
She's wrapping up a few last minute emails when she gets a text alert on her phone. She smiles when she sees it's from Eric. He'd given her the space she'd asked for, however she'd begun texting him again earlier that morning and they casually chatted back and forth over text all day.
E: I miss you.
T: I miss you as well. If you can give me ten minutes, I can call.
E: I'll be here.
Her apartment is in a building that is connected to her office building by a pedestrian bridge, and once she makes it there she finally calls.
"I miss you so much," She says when he picks up.
"I miss you too. I'm so sorry Tris, I was so far out of line during our last call. I don't deserve it but I still hope you can forgive me." He replies.
"I'm working on it."
"Good." His reply is immediate, "I hate not having you here. They finished with the renovations of the head leader's apartment, and I am getting moved in." He tells her.
"We'll have to video call so you can show me around." She replies.
"I'm having your stuff into the new apartment babe. I just couldn't put you on a list for a new place. Maybe once you've gotten home we will have found a way to work through all of our issues." He says.
"Having a fundamental difference on wanting to expand our family is more than just the run of the mill relationship issues, Eric."
"I know," He says quietly, "But you've changed my views on everything else. I didn't want anyone in my house, in my bed, in my life before you… I didn't want a commitment… I was never going to fall in love… I sure as fuck wasn't ever getting married. You see it babe, all the shit I said I would NEVER do is now what I have with you. I think I just need time to wrap my head around things. I've never wanted kids, but with you never isn't a definable word in our vocabulary."
She smiles at his rambling, missing him even more than she thought she could, "I would agree, never doesn't seem to be a thing for us."
"Babe, do you actually think I could be a good dad one day?" He asks suddenly during their call.
"Of course I do. I wouldn't have started planning a future with someone if I couldn't see all parts of my future with them." She answers softly, "There are parts of ourselves that we reserve for the situations we are in. We are tough and cold when the situation calls for it, and gentle and nurturing when it calls for it as well. The person you are when you're leading a faction is different than the person you are with me. It also changes based on business and non-business hours. We're capable of being more than just one thing."
"We are." He agrees. "I want you back, Tris."
"I want to be with you Eric. I just don't want our selfish wants and needs to be together to overshadow our wants and needs to be parents."
"What are you saying?" He asks.
"I don't want you to change your views on something as substantial as having children just to be with me. I want you to want the same things for yourself. If this is something we can't find common ground on, there's no need in us prolonging the inevitable." She says carefully.
"You think I'm wavering on my wants just in an effort for us to be together." He states.
"Are you?" She counters.
"Maybe. I'm still working through it all in my head. I love you, babe. I don't want to lose you over something I may change my mind about. Can you be patient with me?" He asks.
"I'm not going anywhere until we figure this out together Eric. I love you. My coming here was for work but it also gave us some physical space to really figure things out." She replies.
"Thank you." He breathes out.
She wants to tell him, but she can't find her voice. It's the first conversation they've had without fighting, and she's not willing to disturb their tentative peace.
By the end of her few weeks in Milwaukee she'd grown a bit more comfortable navigating the city and enjoying her surroundings. She spent a lot of time getting to know her extended family, and she finds herself a constant part of family dinners, and it reminds her of stories Eric told her about his own upbringing in Erudite. She loved spending time with the extended family she has here, but she missed Eric more with every day that passes.
"I'm now at every Sunday dinner, and tonight it made me think of all of the stories you'd told me about growing up in Erudite with your extended family." She said once she was back at her corporate apartment, "One of my cousins is dating an Italian man, and we had so much pasta and gravy tonight. I'm beyond stuffed."
"Was it as good as the pasta and gravy we make, babe?" He asked.
"Nothing is as good as the stuff we make babe." She drawls back to him.
"Did you get into the wine tonight?" He asks as he settles into bed. She can hear the rustling of his bed sheets.
"No, I can't drink." She stops talking suddenly.
"You can't? You mean you're quitting drinking now that you've kicked smoking?" He says.
She chuckles nervously, "Am I crazy for quitting all of my vices at once?"
"Maybe a little. I still have a beer after work most days, but still no smoking."
"I'm proud of you Eric." She replies.
"I miss you." He says quietly, "You know I wanted to be married when I filed that license, right?" He asks.
"No, I didn't know that. I thought it was just to protect me." She replies quietly.
"No, I wanted the marriage too. I was afraid you'd talk me out of it." He admits.
"Eric, you shouldn't have made that decision for me. It's what people have done my entire life and I'm tired of it! You, of all people should have understood it."
"Babe..."
"You made a decision to be married, not me." Tris says firmly.
"Do you want a divorce?" He asks.
"I don't know yet."
"Because I don't know if I want kids." He counters.
"That's a huge part of it, yes. I also feel like we got married without fully knowing each other or what we wanted." Tris replies.
"I know that you're my future. There's nothing else I want."
"What kinds of things do you see for us in the future?" She asks.
"I want everything with you. Everything else in my life has scared the shit out of me at one point or another. Leaving Erudite, becoming a leader here, being with you, committing to you, marrying you, everything Tris. The one thing I'm one hundred percent sure of in my life is you being in it. If my fears about being a father are going to cause me to lose the one thing in my life I am fucking sure I can't live without then I stop being afraid. We're Dauntless, babe, we face our fears. Fatherhood is a fear." He says.
"It's not a fear sim Eric, it's our future-"
"Being with you has made me change every fucking rule I thought I'd set in stone for myself. Let me face the fear." He prompts.
"I need to be sure you are doing it for the right reasons." She retorts.
"Let me show you that I am. Give me that chance."
The next night, he calls her around their normal time, but he can tell he woke her up.
"I didn't mean to wake you." He'd said.
"I fell asleep watching TV. It's been a long week, and it's just Tuesday." She sighs, "Lydia is always asking me about staying longer."
"If the days are too long I can ask her to scale back." He offers.
"No, it's not that, the days aren't too long, she wants to extend the assignment longer." She explains.
"How much longer?" He asks.
"She's talked about extending it to at least six full months here, or maybe longer depending-" She stops talking abruptly.
"I don't want you to stay longer. I'm ready for you to come home now." He replies.
"Eric, no matter if I'm here or there, you and I still are not in the same place."
"That's not fair. I told you last night that I'm ready to face the fear." He argues.
"Can we please just talk about something else?" She asks grumpily, and he sighs.
"No. If this is the only thing that's keeping us apart then I want to keep talking about it. We have time to decide if we want kids or not, you're the one who pushed this decision on me now." He counters.
"And that's why I didn't want to talk about this tonight. I'm going to bed."
"Tris-"
"Eric, I'm tired, and pissy and I don't want to take it out on you."
"I don't want to fight with you babe." He says quietly.
"Same. I'm sorry I'm grumpy." She sighs.
"I love you even when you're tired and grumpy as fuck." He says with humor lacing his voice.
"I love you too, even when I'm grumpy as fuck." She says before they end their call.
They may have disconnected with loving words, but their next several calls are tension filled, and they spend most of the time snapping at each other. Neither of them are happy with the distance, or with the uncertainty in their future, and it's finally starting to rear its ugly head.
A few days later she's almost asleep when there's a knock on her door and she hauls herself out of bed to check to see who's there. She can't believe it when she sees Eric through the peephole, and she panics a bit. She's wearing his oversized sweatshirt, no makeup, and her damp hair is piled on the top of her head. She jumps when he knocks on the door again.
"Babe, are you in there?" His muffled voice travels through the door.
She looks down at her growing belly, and she knows there's no way to hide it from him.
"I love you, Tris. I want to make this work." He says to her through the door, "Please let me in."
"We need to talk." She replies.
"Can I come in so we can do that?" He asks, and through the peephole she can see him smiling.
She leans her forehead on the door, "Eric, I need you to promise me that when I open this door you will keep an open mind."
She watches his expression harden, "What the fuck Tris?"
"Please. I want to open the door, and I want to talk to you, but I need you to promise me we can do so calmly." She begs.
"I don't know what is going on here, and you're kind of scaring me. Is it someone else? Do you have someone in there with you?" He asks quickly.
She takes a deep breath and opens the door, startling him. He looks at her, confusion evident on his face. She motions for him to come in, and he passes her. When she closes the door, she leans against it and faces him.
"Why are you acting so weird?" He asks, "Am I interrupting something?" He looks down at her bare legs, and the baggy sweatshirt that brushes her thighs.
"I was in bed." She replies.
"Tris, what is going on? Do you not want me here? Are you pissed that I just showed up without warning?" He asks.
"I need to tell you something… or show you….I don't know…. I didn't expect you here…"
"Hey, what's wrong, babe please don't cry…" He reaches for her and pulls her flush against him but she shrugs him off and begins pacing in the room.
"I need you to know that I didn't plan any of this, and when you got shot I spiraled, and I didn't know if you would live or die, and I just didn't know what to do…"
He stops her from pacing by putting his hand on her arm. She trails her ice blue eyes to his and moves his hand until it's touching her belly. His eyes widen and then he jerks his hand away from her.
"That's mine?" He asks.
"Of course it is-"
"How long have you known?" He growls.
"I found out when I was typed for a blood transfusion when you were shot." She replies quietly.
"You've known about this for five fucking months and you hid it this entire time? You fucking left me when I told you I didn't want kids! You didn't even give me a say in any of this!" He yells.
"We've talked almost every day since I've been here, Eric. Every day since my first week here, we've gone through our thoughts about having children in almost every one of those conversations-"
"You've been waiting for me to just change my mind, Tris? You should have just terminated it and not forced me into an immediate decision about kids." He says angrily.
He may as well have slapped her with how painful his words were.
"You don't mean that." She says through tears.
"You made this decision without me-"
"Oh, like you decided to marry me without fucking telling me?" She shouts.
"This is completely different, you got pregnant without talking to me-"
"I sure as fuck didn't make this baby without you! We had unprotected sex for our entire relationship. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you we accidentally got pregnant while you were dying in a fucking hospital bed." She shouts back at him, "Yes, I kept the pregnancy, and I had decided if you truly didn't want children with me, I would raise it myself, or give it up for adoption-"
"You took other options off the table without ever speaking to me!" He accuses.
"I gave you options by allowing you to work how you felt while I made the best decision for ME!" She replies angrily and he gapes at her, "You've known almost the entire time we've been together that I wanted children one day, and yet you've still begged me to give you time, to not leave. I love you, and I wanted you to have time to work through your feelings on this-"
"You lied to me." He interrupts.
"I never lied to you, I just didn't tell you about this."
"Omission isn't any better, especially in this situation. Are you keeping it?" He spits.
"That's a decision I had opened we would make together." She replies.
"Oh yeah, because we've been so fucking great about making decisions together." He replies before he opens the door.
"Where are you going?" She asks quietly.
"Home." He moves past her and she watches him walk down the hall.
"What about the baby Eric?" She calls out after him.
"Do whatever you want, just like you've always done." He calls out before rounding the corner.