Chapter Four: Dear Agony
Disclaimer: I do not own Rick Riordan's
Percy Jackson and the Olympians
and the Heroes of Olympus Series, and I do not
own the songs I put into this book either.
I only own my fan made characters and of course
the plot line.
Added Songs – In Order of Appearance
No songs have been added to this chapter.
~Author's Note~
Well, guess who misplaced her notebook and wrote on the fly from what I remembered, ended up having major block but finally managed to finish the chapter. Me. note, this has heavy emotions and I hope you like it.
Annabeth had honestly woken up with a little more clarity on the morning of Luke's funeral...
She honestly did not know if she would go to the funeral for her... what was she even supposed to call him? Her mind honestly had no idea what to refer to Luke was... maybe enigma was good enough because it was a mystery... her emotions were a mystery.
She should hate him... part of her did but how was she supposed to hate a sick man...
If anything, she felt guilty... that she didn't see the signs... that she didn't see something was wrong with him.
She was supposed to be his best friend...
And she didn't even see he was sick.
What kind of friend was she to him? Not a very good one because if she was... maybe she would have known he was sick? Maybe she would have been able to save him from himself if she was a better friend? Maybe she wouldn't have ruined his life if she had been there for him the way he had been there for her before everything fell apart...
She had sat in the constant silence of her music room all night. Her brain had been sifting through all her memories... all the times with Luke she shared... wondering where it started going wrong... remembering the good things like he had asked her too.
It was the least she could do.
She had stared at the photos in her hands... remembering the good times between these photos... the first and last... the beginning and end of a story.
She was at the last chapter of her story with the man known as Luke Castellan... she wished it didn't end in tragedy.
She could remember every word of encouragement he gave her, every moment he smiled at her genuinely... every moment she saw that genuine love in his eyes that was uncorrupted by the breaking part of his brain...
She had been thinking about what he wrote... about what she said to her father over the phone...
It was truly how she felt.
She was tired of kidding herself... her love for music was broken like her heart and soul...
A huge part of that had gone with Luke because she questioned herself as a person... it was messed up beyond measure. He ruined the greatest happiness of her life... and she was guilty about not being a good friend...
She laughed humorously as tears rolled down her cheeks.
Life was so unfair... it was bitter and cold... adulthood was more tragic than any kids movies where the beloved hero sacrificed them self for the greater good... life was awful.
Pain was real and unimaginable.
Tragedy was strong and true and blackened the world's reality.
The violence of the world caused bitter silence, no freedom of speak... that's what the music industry was... a social event. No one cared whose lives they ruined getting a photo or how they get a story... as long as it paid they did it without hesitation.
It made her truly understand an underlined reason why her mother had not wanted her to become a part of this industry... it was a fucking monster disguised... there was no freedom. She was trapped and locked away... she'd never be free of this... no matter how much she wanted to be.
She wasn't wearing her beanie... she wanted to be exposed to the room she called safe haven... home. She didn't feel safe anywhere else... wasn't that just tragic.
She couldn't help but see the tragedy, a life, albeit not always good... a life had been lost... and it was tragic...
She hadn't even heard the door open but when she felt a hand on her shoulder, she looked up and saw Thalia looking at her with confused, sad blue irises that were tinted red... She had been crying too... she had been mourning too...
Annabeth chuckled a wet chuckle as tears rolled down her cheeks, "It's not fucking fair... it's not fucking fair." She said tearfully as she ran her fingers through her short strands of hair.
"Annabeth... when did you do this?" Thalia asked in confusion as she looked at Annabeth's hair and played with it as she took in her friend's appearance.
"After Percy... every time I looked at my hair, I see the lie... I see the black haired lie... I couldn't fucking take it..." She said tearfully, "I cut it myself... it's why I fucking wear my beanie... because I can't fix what I've broken..." She said with a head shake, "I fucking hate my life... I hate who I am... what I have done... keep losing people I fucking love... Luke... Percy... everyone." She said as Thalia pulled her friend close and rested her head against her shoulder.
"Shhhhh, it's okay Annabeth." Thalia whispered to her friend as she held her close...
In all honesty, Annabeth was a wreck and it could visibly be seen.
Nobody knew what this weight on her shoulders was like... no one knew exactly what Annabeth had been carrying with her... the self doubt, the torment, the pain and the immense self loathing that overwhelmed her...
She was doing the best she could... but it was breaking her so much more than anyone realised.
As Annabeth cried... the door opened and more people walked into the room to see what was going on... Apollo included and he was shattered by the sight before him.
In the years he had known Annabeth Chase... he'd seen a strong and confident woman, a woman of exuberant light and bright intelligence and uncountable faith and love and devotion for those who mattered to her.
This woman... was... she was broken.
The world had broken one of the purest human beings... she was no saint. In this world, who was... but she was kind and compassionate and had done nothing but be a dutiful daughter and a genuine human being... she had done thing to deserve this.
Annabeth just cried... she had held it in for so long and it all came pouring out like a village being flooded by overflowing streams of tears that mother earth cried.
She could feel the eyes... the lingering presence buzzing around her like bees buzzing round the queen bee. She hated it... she couldn't take it and shoved Thalia away and ran out the room, tears running down her face.
She needed to escape... and she needed to say good bye to someone...
Later at the cemetery...
It was a heart breaking scene really... a funeral... and only two people had come...
The father of the deceased... and the man who was to bury his son.
Hermes Castellan had never felt so alone in all his life... his wife was lost forever, never to come back to him... and his son, dead, having taken his own life due to the same illness his mother had fallen too.
It was a sadness he had never expected to feel.
As he listened to the man bless his son's soul, he stared at the coffin.
He blamed himself... he lost his son long before he got sick... he failed his son and that was a tragedy he would never be able to correct.
He did not know that in the distance was a figure sitting in a car... watching the scene as they listened to Hermes finally speak...
"My son... I'm sorry I failed you..." He said in a soft and mournful tone, one filled with regret as his son's coffin was lowered into the grave. "I wish I had been a better man, a better protector and a better father to you. You never deserved any of this... I have to suffer with my failure as your father for the rest of my life because I let you down. I wish I could have been there to protect you like I should have. I never loved you enough... I was never deserving of you but I will always love you for the rest of my life... I will never forget the moments you made me proud to be your father... I will always be proud to be your father." He whispered in a thick and heavy tone as tears rolled down his cheeks.
He was struggling... he was burying his son... his son who wasn't even thirty... he wasn't even in his late twenties yet... and he'd failed him... and soon... he knew he'd have to bury his wife next to his son in the hopes that they would finally be at peace.
"I will remember every moment you existed, all the good times you made me feel worthy enough to be your father... I will always love you Luke... and I'm so so so sorry that I couldn't save you from this... I should have never allowed my life to pull me from you... and I will always miss you." He whispered to his son as he picked up a handful of dirt and tossed it on his son's coffin. "I love you Luke."
He turned on his heel and walked away as a photo fell onto the ground as he walked away from his son and the last of his future.
The figure climbed out the car and walked towards the scene after all the dirt had been laid on the coffin... a book pressed to their chest and a bottle in hand.
Annabeth was on display to the world for the first time...
She had come out of her hole to see an old memory and an old friend off on his journey.
She raised the open bottle to her lips as the sun started its setting journey to welcome night with open arms.
She sat down in front of the grave, cheeks stained with dry tear streaks and red eyes that couldn't cry any more tears, even if they wanted to.
She chuckled as the drink sloshed and a bit spilt on her hand.
"Always was very un-coordinated wasn't I?" She said to no one in particular as she put the book on the ground and took a sip of the beverage of choice... bourbon...
It was Luke's favourite.
She still remembered.
Annabeth stared at the grave in the cold, bitter, never ending silence as the wind lashed at her bare skin. It was going to be a cold and went night as the clouds were creeping across the sky in a heavy gallop...
She wanted to be sick... so she would have a reason for feeling the way she did.
"I miss you..." She whispered sadly as she played with a piece of grass and pulled it out the ground, not caring about the uprooted earth she was sitting on. "Those unfinished conversations... we used to have still linger... the underlined messages you left... I never decoded them...maybe if I had... you'd still be here... and you wouldn't have taken my hopes... took my dreams and my life with you..."
A sip or two to try quell the bitterly remorseful ache inside her soul... it didn't work.
"I should hate you... I should spit on your grave... yet instead, I hate myself and myself alone." She said with a head shake. "It's seriously fucked up Castellan... you always had that power over me..." She said with a bit hiss. "It's not fair. I'm not supposed to feel this way... but I do because that is one thing about me I can't switch off... the love and dedication and loyalty I had for you... I fucking love you... always have... always will... and I hate that I couldn't... that I didn't help you or save you..."
She opened his notebook and looked at the pictures she had put inside it...
"All these years... and I never knew you were sick..." She whispered as he looked at the picture of him and her at their prom...
What had happened to those happy times?
"I... I'm sorry I failed you... that I let you down. I could have done more... but I did and my morality is fucked up because of you, you jackass!" She said as she threw the book at the grave as tears rolled down her cheeks, "I don't fucking know what to do! Because of you! You fucked everything up! How am I supposed to do anything!" She screamed at the grave in anger. "I fucking needed you... you abandoned me! You are punishing me by abandoning me! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE MYSELF WHEN YOU ARE GONE?! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE YOU WHEN YOU ARE DEAD?! WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" She screamed as she threw the bottle at he grave.
The bottle shattered and glass sprayed all over... some cutting her skin but she didn't care as she reached into her hair and she gripped it and screamed out in pure agony and frustration.
Fresh, hot and angry tears of self destruction poured down her face as she sobbed into her knees.
Annabeth Chase had been broken...
She had been fighting to hold herself together, the badly done patch up job and jagged torn seams ripped wide open and ripped her soul apart... and it broke her.
She screamed and cried for hours...
Even after the rain started to pour...
She was shivering and frozen and just broken and she didn't know how to pick up the pieces and mend herself...
She didn't know if she could be fixed this time.
She didn't know if she even wanted to be fixed.
She just needed to get it all out...
She needed to break and break and break until she couldn't break anymore.
Her eyes found the images on the ground... the ink washing away like the ink of the pages of Luke's notebook... sometimes you needed to wash away your sins and heart aches to start afresh...
She would never be the same again... but maybe one day she could be better than the thing she was now...
She picked up the only other image that hadn't been totally ruined...
The three friends who would one day be together again...
She watched as the water washed away their faces...
To become somebody... you had to start as a nobody...
"Annabeth?" A soft voice whispered, catching Annabeth's attention as she looked up and saw Thalia with an umbrella.
"Thals? What are you doing here?" She asked softly, her lips blue and trembling, skin cold and clammy like her soul.
"I'm here to take you home." Thalia whispered as she took her leather jacket of and covered Annabeth's quaking frame with it, "He's gone Annie. He's in a better place. He's forgiven you... and eventually you need to forgive yourself..."
"How?" She asked softly.
"By living for him." Thalia said as she picked up the ruined pictures and book. "It's time to let him go." She whispered as she helped Annabeth to her feet.
Annabeth glanced at the grave one last time...
"I'm not ready too... I... I'm not ready too." She whispered as she looked at Thalia.
"You have too. He's what's holding you back. Let him go. Free him. Release him... let yourself be at peace... please... I lost one friend... I can't lose another..." Thalia pleaded with wet eyes.
"Thals... I'm broken... I'm not the same person I was six months ago... I... I don't know if I can do any of this... if I can write... do music... I don't want to do it anymore..." She whispered tearfully as she looked down.
"Annabeth, music is your life... are you really considering quitting it?" Thalia asked in soft confusion.
Annabeth turned her head and looked at the grave, "Look at what it's done to the world... Luke killed himself because of it... it tore friends... a family and relationships apart... I was so afraid of it I lied to Percy... my secret... my music... it ruined his life... I stare at my music books in disdain... with hate. I haven't picked up a guitar or opened my song book once since Percy found out... I just can't." She whispered as she knelt down in front of Luke's grave. "If I stay... it's gonna kill me... I... I have to leave before it destroys me." She whispered as she touched the grave stone. "Because of music... Luke is dead... I can never... I can never look at the same ever again..." She whispered to her friend as she pressed a kiss to the stone. "I'm going to hand in my notice... I'm quitting... and that's my choice."
"But you contract? You can't break it." Thalia said with a soft tone.
"If Apollo cares about me... he will let me leave but if I have to buy it out or go to court... I will." She said as she stood up as tears rolled down her cheeks.
Thalia stood in the rain in shock... she hadn't believed Apollo when he said he knew that Annabeth was considering leaving... but she heard it from Annabeth herself.
Thalia shook in anger as Annabeth turned round and looked at Thalia with remorse. "Please... understand Thals..."
"Shut up! You shut up!" Thalia demanded in anger as the tears rolled down her face, "After everything we've been through! You're fucking running away! I was right! You are a fucking coward! And... and I hate you!" She shouted in anger as she shoved Annabeth.
Annabeth felt her soul had been stabbed repeatedly with hot branding irons. "Thalia please..." She pleaded softly, feeling like she was breaking even more.
"We fucking gave up everything for you!" Thalia shouted as she shoved Annabeth when she came up too close. "LUKE AND I GAVE UP OUR DREAMS, OUR LIVES, EVERYTHING FOR YOU!" she screamed as she threw the book at Annabeth, not caring anymore, "LUKE WAS GOING TO BE AMAZING! HE GOT A FULL RIDE AT OXFORD! HE GAVE IT UP FOR YOU! I HAD A FULL RIDE THE TOP MUSIC SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! I GAVE IT UP FOR YOU! WE GAVE UP OUR DREAMS FOR YOU! YOU TOOK OUR LIVES FROM US... WE FUCKING GAVE THEM UP SO YOU COULD HAVE YOUR DREAM! AND NOW IT'S ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING! I FUCKING HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" Thalia screamed in broken sobs as she turned on her heel and started walking away.
"Thalia! Please! I'm sorry!"
"IT'S TOO LATE FOR SORRY! EVERYTHING IS RUINED... AND IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT! IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT YOU! WHAT ABOUT ME OR LUKE, HUH?! IT WAS ALWAYS YOU AND NOW THE LAST SEVEN, NEARLY EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WASTED ON SOMEONE UNWORTHY! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD! I WISH IT WERE YOU IN THAT GRAVE!" Thalia screamed in harsh anger as she ran away from the scene.
Annabeth was stunned silent as she watched her friend leave...
She looked down at her feet as she felt her soul breaking...
She truly was alone...
No one loved her...
She was hated and abandoned...
No one cared anymore...
She sat back down and leaned against the tomb stone, not even registering how cold she was...
She didn't care anymore...
No one would care if she got sick or died...
She just stayed there, frozen and cold and broken, crying and breaking...
Until her eyes closed and she lost all sense of the world...
And hoped she never opened her eyes again...
Beep
Beep
Beep
Heavy eyes barely able to move and open as the sound of a heart monitor registering a heart beat.
Beep
Beep
Beep
Slow and steady was a beating heart as the eyes successfully opened and almost immediately shut at the bright light above her.
Annabeth felt like she was burning but frozen all at once...
She had no idea where she was...
She was positioned on her back... she was in a bed of sorts... there was a pillow behind her head.
"W.. wh... ere am... am I?" She whispered brokenly as she tried to open her eyes and adjust to the light.
The last thing she remembered was being drenched by the rain... in the cemetery... she closed her eyes and fell into the empty abyss.
"The hospital." A voice said. It was distorted and blurred. She had no idea who it was... even thought the face was blurred... she could see black hair...
"Who... who.. a...re you...?" She whispered in a broken, barely audible voice. She could barely talk but her vision was starting to clear...
Green... familiar green eyes are the first thing she recognised...
Next was the shaggy black hair... not the grown beard that was rough and outgrown.
She hadn't seen this man in six months...
"P... Percy...?" She whispered in registering shock as she saw the man's face in full, high definition clarity.
"Hello Annabeth."
Well well. I know it's been forever and i apologize. School and life in general are just murder and there isn't much I can do bout it. I also had writers block with this chapter but finally finished it. I make no promises on how long it will take me to get the next chapter done but I will try to get it done as soon as possible. Thank you for the patience. Love you.
~Michaela~