AN: This entire chapter was written to Shakira's She Wolf on repeat. I was hyper-fixating on the background, and it helped me bust out w
Chapter 9:
I have a problem. At least, that is what Mr. Ansem—rather Diz, as he insisted—told me. I am a junkie. A sex addict, to be precise. Originally, I scoffed at the notion, however after analyzing said problem with him during the previous three appointments—and all the days between—I began to agree with Diz. For the two weeks after his proclamation, I refuted the idea. To believe that he was correct, meant I had another irritating issue in my life that needed addressing. I wanted to deny this and continue with the small semblance of joy in my life. However, with my thoughts heavily consumed with his input, noticing the little things about myself became impossible to ignore. The creeping desire to indulge in sexual relief made itself present whenever I felt slighted with life. My imagination would regularly drift throughout the day to whomever I might contact for a quickie. Probably the most important sign was whenever I socialize, my body was on edge, because I could not conclude the time unless I had someone inside me. On Tuesday, during the session, I absorbed myself in Diz's advice.
Axel and I are in a hazy state of friendship where things are light and pleasant most of the time. I began to seek his academic assistance, while he sought my diversion from his own studies. Most evenings we challenge each other to some games or watch movies, and even eat meals together. It has been occurring enough that there is no longer any anxiety about returning home. The ease with which things are coming together in my life makes me optimistic that everything will return to normal. My parents will release the ever present guard dog. And I hope that he will find himself coming around for his own personal enjoyment, not some forced exchanges prompted by his need to contend to my mother and father's whims. My focus on raising my grades has been tricky, but I have not had any discussions with my instructors or the principle which is a positive sign. It helps that Seifer, and I have been on smooth terms with one another since he confided in having a sexual attraction to me. The blonde has a single train of thoughts, and his method of flirting is to act like an absolute asshat for attention. Unfortunately, the attractive scar-faced punk has been pestering me for sexual favors ever since our previous interruption in the laundry room. I have had to assure him multiple times that as soon as I am free, he can cash in, however with the diagnosis of my addiction, the promise leaves a foul taste in my mouth.
It is another Friday, like any other, in which my babysitter and I enjoy one another's company, which feels foreign to me even after the recent weeks. The redhead asked if I wanted to go for a stroll, and before I knew it, I was in route with him to my favorite hideaway. It reminded me of how we used to spend hours in hidden nooks as kids. Once we tired of playing soccer in the fields of the local park, we would seek out anywhere void of other people invading our space and we would hide away from the world.
I was caught in my memories when my keeper's smooth voice sweeps them away. The setting sun fails to warm the evening air, and a plume of vapor billows from Axel's lips. He asks me about school, and a gnawing thought that has been secretly bothering me comes to mind. He is straight, and has been with women, so I decide to pester him for advice. Grumbling to him, I begin a discussion about Xion and her desire for me to accompany her to the Christmas ball at school, and to my astonishment, he is absorbed in thought, attentive to my concerns. As I walk him to the end of my neighborhood towards the lake littered with shrubs and surrounding weeping willows, I scatter pebbles across the road with my steps as I continue my bellyaching.
"For years, I've avoided doing anything remotely romantic with her. I don't want her to get the wrong impression, you know? After all, I care about her, and it wouldn't be fair to her." I prattle incessantly. A slight sting of worry nudges at my brain, warning me that perhaps I was wrong, and talking about girls with Axel may not end in my favor. But I need to vent to someone, it is a topic I have failed to discuss with Diz. It felt like a minor issue compared to the topics of concern that brought me to the sessions in the first place.
"Perhaps she'd simply like to attend the dance with a someone she trusts and feels close to." He says as he follows my own steps into the soft dirt hugging the curb.
"That's what I'd like to believe. What if it isn't—what if I lead her on?" My attention is inspired to my beloved willow in the lake's upper right corner. In comparison to his soft movements as he follows me, my footfalls are weighty. The feeling of hurt is cumbersome as I realize I only have him to discuss this with. A sting of abandonment from my close friends has me feeling utterly lost. I cannot clean up the past and make Axel anything like the friend he once was. I feel like I have been seeking stars for so long that reality has vanished into the horizon. I suppose I can convert my woes into familiar melodies.
"Roxy, you appear to be preoccupied with 'what ifs.' She deserves the opportunity to create memories with someone she values in her life." I hear him say from behind my increasing strides.
"Ax, I don't want to hurt her. If I join her like she wants, she will assume I want to date her. What if she confesses to me? I have been able to dodge this for a while. Even worse, if I tell her I'm not interested, people might figure out I don't like girls." My hands are loosely waving about the air, gesticulating my frustrations.
"So keep it simple. Inform her that you don't intend to date her. Be as truthful with her as you are with me."
"And what then—tell her I am gay?" I rear to a halt, and my head snaps to the side to observe him as he approaches me.
"No. Politely remind her that you see her as merely a dear friend. That you don't wish for this to change." He is staring out at the calm waters before us, I am certain it is a beautiful view, but instead I focus on him, nothing could compare to his absolutely ethereal beauty. His manner is carefree, and I had not seen him this at ease since we were young.
"Sure, say I go with her, but then it pains her even more that I don't reciprocate her feelings." I am moving again as I feel the anxiety bubble into each pace forward. My warden is silent, and I feel hopeless for talking to him about this. Plucking at the wispy branches of the tree, I then plop myself down below it, leaning my head against the rough bark of its massive trunk, drawing in a deep inhale. Spores and pollen waltz with one another across the air, glittering through my surroundings and masking this space in a fantastical veneer. My gaze traces the mesmerizing infinitesimal speckles until Axel's hand gestures at the fraying leaves as he accompanies me inside. His sun-kissed orbs glimmer as they reach mine, and he offers me a soothing smile.
"Again—this is a lot of speculation. At the end of the day, be open with her. She will learn to appreciate it more than forever avoiding the topic. These are some priceless moments to cherish and sharing them with a good friend would make it all the more special, Roxas." As he lowers himself to kneel in the coarse grass below, he counsels me.
Thankful that Axel was able to discuss these concerns with little judgment, I simply nod in understanding. I wipe away the conversation and challenge him to a game of cards. There are some late seasoned crickets chirping in the withering grass, creating a backdrop of equally calming noises to hush the concerns of my heart. We joked about some events from our past and continued to tell stories about our day-to-day lives now. He asked me how my therapy was going, and I told him as much as I felt comfortable with. I left out the bit about how Diz thinks I have an affliction for sex. Not because I was still living in denial from his deduction, however I still felt squeamish about the notion. I was not prepared to be confronted with the redhead's opinions on the matter.
There were moments where the cards in our hands were ignored, and it truly was a sight to behold. Axel joining me in my favorite place in town, hanging out with me as though he had never abandoned me in the first place. The lingering smooth hum that settled into my veins was new to my life as of recently. Flitting memories of how he touched me was still a common occurrence, even after we agreed to forget about our dirty connection, I often wonder if these memories appear for my sitter as well. The entire situation was still unbelievable to me. But with the passing weeks that followed it began to feel as though it never happened in the first place.
"Do you remember when we went to our old hideout to compare dicks?" I feel the need to distract myself from the strange emotions, so I ask. Axel is laying in the yellowing grass, staring at the weaving limbs above. His cards are discarded across the ground to his side.
"Of course, everyone was obsessed with penis sizes." He chuckles, eyes continuing their study the spindling strands encompassing us from the world.
"Excuse you, sir, but I'm still obsessed with penis sizes." I lean forward, my back instantly relieved after having been rested on the rigid bark for a few hours.
"Not funny, Rox." His head rolls towards me, grimacing, his lids thinned with scrutiny.
"Stop being such a prude." I cross my arms to my chest and laugh at his snobbish nature. "You were so enthusiastic about it back then. You were nearly pulling me through the door to compare sizes."
"My enthusiasm for it faded quickly when I was getting beaten for it." He sighs, returning his gaze to the breeze snaring the branches.
"What do you mean?" My eyes go wide with his admission. I had not anticipated his fully loaded answer.
"Well, I was ignorant at the time. I assumed it was innocent, so I consulted my parents about it."
"It was innocent." I whisper, afraid I will startle him. I tried not to be overcome with pity for him. However, my view of him was changing drastically with the new knowledge.
"Well, they were not pleased when I explained why we did it—that it had to do with our friends discussing sex." He rolls onto his side, propping his head on his hand that was being braced by his elbow. He stares at me as he reveals a not so kind part of his past.
"And you were beat for it…we were kids—that's a bit overkill—don't you think?" I feel myself frowning and I could not avoid the pang of guilt this knowledge brought me. I knew Mr. Vespertine had his reservations about these types of activities, but I never suspected he had a temper. Axel never led anyone to believe he was ever physically harmed at home.
"Hmm, that's right. To further emphasize the point, I was grounded from seeing you for a while." His eyes are soft, and his mouth paints a meek smile. I feel this peculiar need to save him from his poor memories by changing the subject, but I also wanted him to be assured that I was someone he could confide in.
"Oh, I recall that. I was dumbfounded as to why you wouldn't come around." I recall the time we had not seen each other, and how utterly bored I felt while missing him.
Had Axel missed me too?
"It gets worse." He chortles, and I ponder on how that could be possible before he continues, "They proceeded to give me the birds and bees speech. They said unequivocally that God intended we save ourselves for marriage. And it resonated with me for a long time. That is, until I began dating Nami. It was quite difficult for me to restrain myself. Hormones—you know?" He says with a breathy laugh, and the sound is so relieving to hear.
"I have them on speed dial." My tone is smug, and I gift him with a cheeky smirk.
"Haha, I am certain you do!" He grants me a knowing look before continuing his story. "Well, I had been abstaining for a long time. I was extremely disciplined and never lost control, no matter how intense things were." He lays back into the grass, both his arms crossed to cushion his skull as he reminisces.
"I've seen firsthand how strong your control is." He had refused to touch me that day, weeks ago. It was an impressive feat, something I had zero decency to accomplish. It was a miracle he came around afterwards. Otherwise, I was sure his dick was going to fall off.
"That willpower is pretty frail, Rox. Her and I…we had loads of sex. We were absorbed in it. And connecting with her was all I yearned to do, and when she wasn't near me, I sought out porn instead." It does not register to me that my mouth is agape. I have seen his prowess in person, but I thought it may have been a fluke from alcohol or—as he put it—hormones. I had not considered that the vermillion haired man who praises all things holy would be such a deviant. Suddenly, I felt something aside from shock. A feeling similar to the sourness I got whenever he chose to visit Saix rather than me. My mouth shut and I tried desperately to contain the frown I wanted to bare his way. He was not watching me, but I did not want to risk giving my jealousy away. After all, I had no need to feel such a way. "That's something I promised myself I'd never do. Everything started to seem warped. I began searching for some very strange things. Then I felt as though God was condemning me from above. I couldn't take it anymore—so I vowed God I'd start anew. When I urged Nam to tone it down, she assumed I was meeting someone else or was bored with her."
"Is that why things failed with you two?" With the strange feelings of jealousy melting away, I feel the need to know more about his relationship with Namine, more importantly, why things had not worked out between them.
"Huh? Oh...no." His features have become somber, his eyes hooded and gloomy, and a rigid purse tensing his cheekbones. "It took some reasoning, but she reluctantly believed me when I asserted that there was no one else. I explained that I didn't enjoy betraying God in this way. She said that it didn't make a difference—that the Lord had us destined to be together. And that it didn't matter if we were having sex because we were eventually going to be married. And let me tell you something: that unlocked a whole other secret barrage of shame in me that I wasn't aware of. I wasn't sure if what we felt for one other was genuine love or simple biology. After hearing her thoughts, I approached her and told her that the sex made us infatuated. This offended her, Rox. Namine is a pretty docile girl, but when she gets angry…well—hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." He relays the past with heavy disappointment saturating his tone. I felt for him in this moment. He has been through a handful of trials with his love life. Something I swore I would not ever allow myself to feel.
"So I have heard." The statement slips off my tongue as I muse at his feelings.
"She made a heap of threats. However…she later stated that we couldn't change what had happened and that we should get married when she graduates. Dating meant marriage—there was no in-between—says the Bible. And I know her reasoning was accurate, but I told her we were still young, and although that was always my objective while dating, things are not always so black and white. Afterwards, I realized I wasn't considering marriage as much as she had been, and my lack of sentiments wasn't kind to her. My closed off thoughts were cause for a lot of arguments. I ended up recommending we call it quits. She was hesitant at first, but eventually…she agreed to it." His elbows tuck around his shaking head, he was irritated by these events, and I am wishing I had the capability to console him.
After all his self-doubt, and trouble with escaping pleasure, he had still managed to succumb to my aggressive needs. Normally I would harbor zero guilt. After all, 'it takes two to tango', so I could not possibly bear all the weight of the mishaps that occurred. But from his confession, I feel myself reliving the evenings we shared touching one another and an unfamiliar feeling of doubt makes itself at home in my mind.
"Why did you break such a promise with me?" I succumb to curiosity and quietly investigate the troubled redhead in front of me. Axel rises from his spot on the grass, his torso and head imprinted in the earth below. He is splayed out with his legs extended and bent at the knees, one relaxing on the lawn, the other knee supporting his lithe forearm. His stare shifts from inviting to ominous before rebounding to my own. The tension created by his inactivity has me in a vice grip.
"I expect you don't want to hear this, and I was intending to keep it from you so you wouldn't feel...disgusted with yourself." Leaving my face, his orbs drag cross the lawn, looking as though he was dreading the words he was visibly choking on. "I was still quite drunk that night." He admits, and his elbow rests atop his knee now, his hand scrubs across his face, before he continues, "You're...beautiful. I'm not sure whether you appreciate hearing that…but…I may have been pent up—the alcohol didn't assist in any way. As for the last time, I was stunned. I wasn't expecting you to be equally as alluring when I was sober. Each time, I found it hard to notice if you were a man or a woman—or maybe I did, I am still confused by it. Perhaps I was comparing you to Nam, I miss her sometimes."
"Oh God. Don't say that." I throw my hands over my face, either shielding myself from him or concealing him from myself. I was not humiliated, but I could not face him right now.
"You didn't find it odd at all? You are both blonde and have—"
"Blue eyes." My hands fall to my lap, and I just gaze at him stunned.
"I deeply apologize. I told you it was all rather complicated—it disgusts me as well. That's why I asked if we could keep things tame." He offers me a solemn expression with his apology, and my heart tugs at his gentle tone.
"Yeah, I can see why." It was hard for me to leave the bitterness out of my words. The jealousy I felt for her returned in full force and it was very much unwelcome. The daylight around us starts to fade, from golden to gentle blue to a lackluster purple. We scooped up our cards and headed home for a meal.
Axel trawled in the cupboards and discovered the taco preparations. I was put in charge of the meat because otherwise I would be dining on a bean burrito like the redhead. He could tell my mood had altered since his admission beside the lake. He was attentive to my needs, but he did not force the matter as we finished our evening of study side by side. Because of my diverting thoughts, I found myself going over the same few paragraphs over and over again. I was bewildered. I was feeling deceived by my ex-best friend. Even if things never got much farther than foreplay with him. These were traitorous ideas. And after a few irritated sighs and forceful flips of my hair, I determined that my efforts to avoid anything related to that period needed to be reinforced so that I would not feel this way forever.
The songs at this evening's revelry are paradigm shifting, a pure adolescent frequency. I flee to a secluded spot and observe individuals enjoying life. Another night of hopping out of the upstairs window to alleviate stress and interact with Wakka and Tidus. This occasion, Tidus had hooked for us was a full-fledged college party. And I was eager to see the fresh talent in the room. One, in particular, stuck out. His irises are feline bright, and the ends of his edgy cocoa hair brushes frays against the blades of his wide shoulders. Sipping from the first beer I have had in what feels like an eternity, I notice his piercing stare lock with my own. I must have triggered something in him, since he is traversing the quaint room with his lenses riveted soley on me.
"Hey." He purrs upon greeting me. His hands are tucked in his grey trousers, and the active wear's thin long sleeves adopt every hump and ridge of his muscular arms and chest. He looks as though he hoists steel beams for the sheer joy of it.
"Hello there, stranger." I speak as casually as I can considering his voice sent out a shockwave through my extremities, making my throat wobble.
"My name is Terra." He draws a hand from his pocket and extends it to me as a courteous hello. My free hand immediately rushes out to encircle his caramel-colored skin. His fingers are angular, and his palm is rough from decades of callouses. The crest of my spine stipules, and I curse myself for being carried away by my instinctual desires for him.
"Isn't that a girl's name?" As we break the mutual handshake, I impulsively crack an awful joke.
"Ouch!" He exclaims, his teeth sparkling beneath his tawny lips, slapping his retreating palm between the bulging pectorals onto his heart. "I haven't got to hear that since kindergarten."
"Don't mind, Roxas! He makes jokes fit for toddlers." Tidus chuckles alongside me, his hands holding my shoulders and jostling my body before he wanders away to meet with Wakka.
"Jerk!" I shout at his receding shape. My two friends, clad in a jumble of liquor bottles, march to the little banquet table hidden in the nook of the apartment's kitchen.
"So, your name is Roxas, then?" Terra moves into the now-vacant area to my left and rests against the wall, his arms folded.
"That's correct, but my name isn't nearly as attractive." I say while glancing around the room. Too many people were crammed onto the couch, all cheerfully sipping their beverages. A pair is sucking face on a side lounger. Several inebriated males are presently howling during a Smash marathon. Terra snickers next to me, and my attention is taken to him.
"I disagree; it flows off the tongue." My cheeks flush as he flicks the tip of his tongue out at me.
I sense movement to my right and a scorching grasp on my shoulder. Tidus and Wakka, I presume, retrieved their beverages and returned to us. When I discover them still situated across the room, skulls tilted back, sobbing with laughter, I am puzzled. However, my uncertainty fades fast as I detect something sweet and honeyed merging with a very distinctive piney fragrance, and I roll my eyes in annoyance even as an ivory wrist spreads into my view, seeking to shake hands with the man on whom my concentration is centered.
"It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Axel." His fingers clasp with my new companion, and his voice is dressed in warm welcoming, however skirted with a mysterious undertone.
"Terra." The brunette's golden skin atop his hand flexes, and his eyes swing to the palm that slides from atop my shoulder to rest at the base of my spine. My eyelids flutter from the intimate movement, and I nudge Axel's arm away with my elbow. The handshake is unnecessarily strung out.
"Hm, how exquisite. Your parents gave you a female name." Disbelief diverts my sight to the right. There is a broad grin that stretches across his face, revealing endearing dimples in his sculpted cheeks. I swallow a guffaw on his unabashed remarks.
"Oh no—a dual hit! That is unusual these days." His body language shows no evidence of humor at Axel's quip, and he forces himself away from the wall before coming to face me. "If you want to chat some more, Roxas, come find me." He nods to the redhead however beams at me.
"I'll take you up on that." I say, tipping my cup in salute, and Terra rallies with his circle of companions.
"Charming fellow." Axel leans towards my ear and murmurs, I spin my body around and come face to face with him.
"Did you plant a tracker on me?" My eyelids compress into a squint as I accuse my 'mentor'.
"Pardon?" His brows scrunch, and his bemused smirk reappears onto his lips. Its majesty is paralyzing, and I have to refrain myself from worshiping it.
"Axel, how do you keep finding me?" I accidentally groused because I was so smitten with how magnificent he looked.
"Because I am an expert at deduction." He says. As he leans against the wall I was previously perched on with Terra, his shoulders contract into a sudden shrug and he swings car keys around his forefinger. His pompous smirk persists as he informs me how he is always adept in tracking me down. "It's a little town, Roxas...we have mutual online acquaintances. It doesn't take much effort to figure out where you are."
"Of course, that's how." I grumble and, although dramatically, my head slaps into the drywall behind me. "Listen, I never claimed to be intelligent all of the time."
"Your actions repeatedly demonstrate that assertion to be…tragically accurate." He laughs. I am enjoying the fact that he seems to be at peace. There is no trace of unease between us now. The strange comfortability I experience with him now does not feel fleeting or harmful.
"Asshole!" I playfully strike him in the taut abdomen. He holds it in a dramatic clutch before slipping the keys into his pocket. "I conserve all of my ingenuity for when I absolutely need it." I attest. His skull dips into the beige paint, the brilliant crimson strands at the crown of his head lying flat across it. His t-shirt sags about his biceps and chest, tapering at the wrists and waist to embrace his tight muscles. The shirt lacks a collar; the draping fabric embraces his clavicles at each end, and the exposed flesh of his neck and shoulders is painted a faint yellow from the lights leaving contrast with the thin black cotton and vibrant hair. A gunmetal denim jacket ties at his slim waist and hugs the sage green joggers that embellish his long legs. His polished jumper boot leverages his stance against the wall as one knee lifts to support him. He appears to be a product of a wet dream, plucked out into reality for us all to visually indulge. I showed up like a bum in comparison to him. I stepped out of the house wearing an oversized band hoodie, tight torn jeans, and Jordan's. While trying to keep my composure, I purse my lips to keep from fawning over his well-dressed anatomy like a pre-pubescent girl.
"Using common sense does not qualify you as a genius. Try it someday; it's rather simple." His hair swirls behind him as he cocks his head to one side. "In fact, how about you start now—where should you be presently, Roxy?" he adds, his lashes dropping and his eyes dazzling with merriment.
"Anywhere I want." I banter lightly.
"You'd have scored an F if I had been evaluating you." Axel's eyes hone in on the impish grin my face is adorning.
"Axel, I know precisely what you would like me to say. I'm a pretty reasonable thinker. You want me to remain at home, such as an innocent youngster should be." I remark as I mosey to the wall beside him and position effortlessly in his territory. "I'm not the sort to stay content with monotonous hobbies."
"To be honest, I'm not aiming to dampen your buzz this time." His head tilts as his eyes center on me.
"What a shocking discovery. I was preparing for another notorious lecture."
"It's unfortunate, but I figure that won't help." He sighs as he acknowledges this. Before continuing, his head returns to the wall, and he glances across the room "So you may unwind...I'm not going to haul you out of here. That strategy, as you recall, failed the last time. We'll stick around for a little while. Otherwise, I have a hunch you'll make this an everyday event. You have an annoying habit of making me pursue you around town."
"Is this a signal that I'm allowed to drink this time?" I quip while motioning with my drink.
"I give you an inch, and you expect an entire airfield"—His hand rushes from his pocket and yanks the plastic from my grasp—"Your answer is no."
"Just the one, Axel." My body moves from the wall and settles directly in front of him. When I lunge for the cup, his arm flies into the air, testing my stature to grasp it once again. I reached once and understood that any more attempts would be futile.
"How about this? We'll adhere to our original agreement. Does that quench your need for illegal acts?" I drifted away from him, oblivious to how near I was to pinning him back if it had not been for the warmth of his skin or the knee blocking our lower bodies from touching.
"Hmm...I suppose that it will do." I cross my arms while nodding at him, grinning as though I was the one who won this war.
"Please, just go easy on me." He jokes and then bows at me before draining my cup. His nose wrinkles up. Apparently, my drink was not to his taste. He coughs briefly before saying, "I'm with a friend as well. Would you like to join us?"
He escorted us from the snug area to the beer pong table after I told him it was alright. Axel introduced me to yet another insanely stunning man. Demyx, my guide presented the man as his best friend. We exchanged greetings, and Demyx persuaded Axel to join him in the following round. He is almost as tall as the redhead; however, it was difficult to determine who is taller because of Demyx's voluminous golden mullet. His eyes are the color of two sapphire gems, and his smile was contagious. His chuckle was a refreshing treble, and his overall shiny attitude was unshakable. Wakka and Tidus had been invited to another party and asked if I wished to go. I knew I would not be able to attend, but I had not felt awful about it. I was quite satisfied to be in Demyx and Axel's company. They were sensational together. And I enjoyed myself immensely. They leave shortly after I declined their offer.
The night felt surreal. Terra even dropped over before leaving to obtain my phone number. For a brief instant, Axel's jovial façade morphed to scrutiny, and the stare had made me feel oddly vulnerable. Regardless, I supplied the brunette my information, and once he left, Axel's disposition reconverted to a dazzling one. I noticed the time on my watch and notified the two morons in the room that we would have to leave soon. The redhead was stumbling, laughing, and prodding at Demyx. The two had a terrific time playing one more game of beer pong. Dem (he prefers) made sure I was included rather than isolated, instead of how Saix had treated me. He shared with me some silly anecdotes about his life, we laughed together, and he was not afraid to supply me with friendly embraces. Tonight, seemed momentous in many ways.
The carefree blonde confessed that he had assumed Axel would be the designated driver. And I was stunned that Dem did not drink the entire time. I figured Axel had shared his cup because of how hyperactive and silly he had been. Demyx reminisced about the events Axel used to attend alongside him and even recounted humiliating details about their outings. He chuckled, revealing that they once got so intoxicated that they decided to break into a corner market and pilfer their goodies. Axel's cheeks flushed with remorse, and he begged him to shut his trap. I had a few hours until my parents arrived home by the time Dem's car pulled into the driveway. I made it a point to fetch him some coffee and carbohydrates to aid him with his inebriation.
The skies are void of their usual clouds and moon, peppered with only twinkling stars when we cross the threshold into the pitch-black house. Aside from turning on the entry light, I head straight for the kitchen. The redhead wanders with a subtle swagger to the green lounger facing the darkness which shrouds the backyard. I quickly fetch him some hangover preventatives, keeping my obligation to assist him. I return towards where Axel is lounging and place the commodities on the end table adjacent to him. Turning off the overhead bulb, I opt for the side lamp next to the sofa before reclining on its arm while he praises me breathlessly. When he finishes the treats, he sighs in reprieve and arranges the dishes on the table. Axel sinks back into the furniture. His features and physique are serene, and I find myself staring at him avidly. His heels are nestled into the chair's border, his knees jutting out, his long calves bobbing slightly. His sleek figure is sagging into the settee, the trim of his shirt slipping up from the pose, enabling me to capture a glimpse of his hip bones' sharp cut. The billowing shirt cuffs are rolled up to his forearms, and his silky alabaster skin is accented by inflowing blue veins, all of which contrast with the stylish black fabric. The ambience is placid and tranquil, yet the longer I gaze at his exquisite shape, the further I perceive the hint of tension in the atmosphere. His attention is drawn to me, but I could not compel myself to quit staring at him, I am captured by a mystical trance.
"What are you doing?" Axel inquires, cracking a lid open and darting a questioning gaze at me.
"Admiring you."
Shit. Slip of the tongue.
Suddenly, both of his emerald eyes are on me, his gaze carefully examining me as one neatly trimmed brow sweeps upwards, judging my insinuation. He remains silent, and I focus on my breathing to keep my cheeks from burning up any further. His eyes return to the rafters, and he relishes the amicable solitude. I resume warily assessing the individual across from me. My interest drifts across his bicep's muscles and then to the low-cut top against his solid pectorals. The cloth is thin, and I can see the peaks of his nipples through the wrinkling in his shirt. My insides are tingling, and my stare wanders reflexively to the slack folds around his zipper. The prominent package bulging against the seam highlights his dick in this angle and a hint of fire heats my loins. My cock spasms, and I can feel saliva seeping from the nooks of my cheeks.
Feeling enticed by him, my feet gradually make their way to his side. My backside gingerly aligns with the arm cushion so as not to startle the redhead. The concept that I was breaching some barriers by acting so bizarrely went unnoticed by him. I simply wished to be nearer. And I did not take into account the ramifications of the why. I wanted to marvel at him. I needed to smell him again and feel his temperature permeate over my body. Axel casts a sidelong glance at me. I have ensnared him in the net of my sight, his attentiveness now equal to mine. His long lashes strike out against the luminous icy maelstrom of his verdant irises. His gaze passes to my cheeks, lips, and neck. His orbs traverse lower, along my body, and my spine elongates my posture on the couch's arm.
Axel straightens his body as his head lifts and his torso comes forward. His hand shoots up from his lap and caresses my side. "Stop gawking at me. It's unsettling." He chuckles, and then his fingertips jab into my rib cage and track along my torso with additional force. As he burrows into my muscles, my eyes widen, and my sharp inhalations become laborious while I burst into laughter.
"Stop it, Ax! It's...not fair! You're not even ticklish!" I shriek, and my fists shoot into the air, striving to force his arms away from my twisting form. But he only draws closer. From where I am, it is difficult to evade his assault, and he has the advantage even if he is under me. His limbs were so lengthy that he could easily strike no matter what his position. My frame swivels as I laugh hysterically. Any manner of support flops, and I collapse onto his vacant lap.
Axel's pursuit came to a screeching halt, his hands dropping from my sides. One palm falls over my thigh, the other on the padding at the base of my back. I am sitting sideways, my legs stretching over the arm of the chair, and we are both dumbfounded. He blinks a few times, and it does not occur to me that my lashes were replicating the rapid motions as we peered at one other. We did not take a breath as our awestruck expressions subsided and were supplanted by something new. His brow furrows as he evaluates my facial expression, and I am struck with how defenseless I remain. I prepare to flee his lap setting my hands across both sides of his head, but my motivation wanes as I watch his tongue stroke along the delicate pink flesh of his lips. My lids flutter, and I press my mouth decisively on his newly damp lips without hesitation. It was a tender kiss; one I rarely gave to anybody. He was uninterested in exploring the link. He is unflinching, and he breaks away from my timid kiss to scrutinize my face until piercing the quiet by clearing his throat.
"What is going on with you, Rox?" He raises the topic with an uneasy laugh.
"Once more, Axel." My palms slide from the twill weave behind him, fingers crossing along the of his nape neck. "Let's make each other feel good one more time."
"Don't go there, Roxas. We decided it was too convoluted to pursue." His stare is driven to mine, but it is not loaded with the customary scorn.
"Please, Ax, give it one more shot." My eyes are roaming around his face, discovering it is impossible to stay engaged when he has a striking bone structure, beautiful eyes and equally exquisite lips. I combed his features for any evidence of the same passionate feeling we had just experienced. "Your body appreciated it before."
"Rox, it feels...awful afterwards. Which will tarnish this comfortable relationship. We agreed to keep things simple, remember?" His jaw clamps and he is sporting a deep frown as he pulls his hand from my lap, and I wince at the sting of his denial.
"Fuck—how thoughtless of me." My body automatically rolls off his thighs, and I drop to the floor. I amble to the hall behind the couch, pacing with my skin on fire. I stammer in distress, "I thought you were staring at me like…" Shame makes my toes twiddle against the soles of my shoes and I feel my spine constrict, I don't bother finishing the sentence, instead I mutter, "I'd hate to make you feel violated—ignore what just happened." As I meander through the kitchen's entryway, I brush it off and refuse to look at him.
"Rox!" I lean over the island as he beckons for me. With my face in my hands, I concentrate on taking deep breaths of oxygen to alleviate the dread that is churning in my gut.
"I'm perfectly fine! Sleep off the beer before my folks get home!" I shout, whirling to the stove and switching on the night light before preparing a drinking glass for myself. I finish the liquid with just a few swigs, and I can hear the seat squeak as he steps out of it. Shortly after, the lamp cuts off with a click, all illuminations drowned in darkness. For several moments, the house is silent, and I don't register that I am standing in the low light of the kitchen, holding my breath.
My recent actions with my tutor were utterly out of my control. I feel disoriented. I was hopelessly blinded by a profound desire to entwine with my babysitter. My steps are driven by the need to grab weed from the shed out back. My skin bristles with disgrace and unkempt hunger as I step out of the kitchen. I sweep a glance about the living room. Axel is exhaling loosely, draped on the couch, enveloped in the living room's little throw blanket. My keeper made it quite apparent that our intentions toward one another must be purely demure. And each time, I helplessly consented to this declaration, believing it would be effortless. I agreed that I preferred matters not to be too cumbersome for the both of us. Most of all, I did not want him to live with any grave regrets.
Mindlessly, I pull back the blinds to the sliding glass door. The rear porch is lit with a terrible golden hue the moment I flip the light switch. My hand opens the slider cautiously so as not to awaken the dozing redhead. As I cross the threshold, I take care to avoid the one annoying plank that creaks whenever an iota of pressure is applied to it. On my short journey to the shed and back I inspect the dark chamber to see whether Axel is still sleeping. I draw from the now-lit joint, slouching into the patio railing. I am pleased that my thoughts are decelerating after each drag of the drug. A flicker of an idea derails the crowding voices in my brain, diverting the spotlight away from my complex feelings. I SMS my address to Seifer, and since his brain is the size of a peanut, he responds with a '?'
I guess it's my duty to steer him in the right direction.
Me: I'm in the backyard. Door is on the right.
Seifer: Oh lol. fuck yea omw
AN: This chapter was cut from 13k words to only 7k...because there was an anticipated 10k more. It would have been way too long. So sadly, no sauce, only tension. Whomp Whomp.