Chapter 4

Things went back and forth for a while. March came and it had been a month since everything came to a head. Kim had mood swings, Amanda had mood swings, and Olivia had them, but she also had more control than both of them put together. Noah was the only one not phased. Olivia thought if they were going to continue this living and raising the kids together, they needed more space.

It was Saturday night, Kim was happily eating dinner and Amanda was refusing to come out of the bathroom. Olivia held Noah. "Amanda, I can take her on my own. You don't have to come." Olivia waited to hear something, it broke her heart to hear crying. Tomorrow they were supposed to meet Beth after a month of not seeing her kids.

Amanda was less than thrilled and swore she wouldn't go, but then Kim begged her and even cried and Amanda agreed to go. Kim was in therapy and from that they learned, she knew a lot more of the bad things that were happening. Olivia and Amanda had changed her perspective just by a little love and discipline. She had stated many times, she never wanted to go back to live with her mother.

Olivia knew this would be tough, "Hey, I'm going to get them ready for bed, just relax." Olivia heard a small ok from her. Olivia went to check on Kim. She played with Noah, while Olivia cleaned. She made Amanda a sandwich so she would eat something and sent Kim to leave it on the dresser. She got everyone ready for bed and checked on Amanda.

Olivia always slept on the couch, but two weeks ago when Pippa showed up and gave them the news about seeing Beth, it sent Amanda in a tailspin. She still hadn't read the note, although it was in her dresser now. When Olivia handed it to her, Amanda cursed and screamed at her to get out and never come back.

That led to Olivia getting tough, she grabbed Amanda but not to hurt her. She told her she wasn't leaving, but the cursing had to stop. Amanda fell in her arms and cried like a baby. Olivia spent that night holding her in her bed until she fell asleep. They both woke up around 2AM to feed and change Noah.

Olivia told her about her mother and past that night. She even told her about William Lewis. Amanda was shocked to her Olivia was a product of rape and raised by her drunken mother. She never thought a person like Olivia would have ever lived such a nightmare. When she heard about Lewis, she almost told her own story, but changed her mind. They had slept in the same bed ever since.

Olivia walked in and went to Amanda's side of the bed. The sandwich was gone and her eyes were closed but her pillow was wet from tears. Olivia kissed her forehead and took her shower. When Olivia came back out, Kim was sitting in the middle of their bed awake. Before she could ask, Kim told her Amanda was asleep. Olivia climbed in bed, "Are you ok?" Kim shook her head, "I don't want to see mom. Manda doesn't want to see mom either does she?" Olivia hesitated. Kim wasn't old enough to deal with her mother's and sister's issues. Kim frowned, "Mom is bad."

Olivia had to stop it, "Hey, we've never said that. Remember when we first met, you told me she wasn't bad and she loved you." Kim was so smart, "I think she loves me, but you and Manda love me and take care of me. And she doesn't love Manda." Olivia held her, "Come here. I want you to stop worrying." Olivia spent an hour holding Kim and giving her comfort. Kim promised to go see her mom and try.

When Amanda woke up the next morning, she saw Kim cuddling with Olivia. She smiled and opened her dresser. She saw the note her mother wrote. She checked on Noah and he was asleep. She grabbed the note and sat in the kitchen with coffee. She opened it and took a deep breath.

Dear Amanda Grace,

I hope you are doing well. I'm sorry you had to find out about your sister and brother this way. I messed up with you and I thought I had a chance to be better with Kim, but I messed that up too. Amanda I know there is nothing I can say for you to forgive me. You know I had you young, things happened to me and I didn't do right by you. I really didn't know what to do. I would love it if you would take them. Amanda you're so much more than me and you did it on your own. I know you don't love me and I don't deserve it, but I love you Amanda Grace Rollins.

Amanda felt Olivia's hands on her shoulders, "Are you ok?" Amanda was okay actually. The note she had been dreading to read was a sincere apology. She didn't know exactly what happened to her mother, but she knew she was young and she knew Johnny was an asshole. "I hate that I can't hate her. I don't want Kim to hate her either." Olivia heard Noah, "Well, help her get dressed and tell her that.

They met at the indoor trampoline park. Amanda was surprised to hear that was her mother's idea. She laughed on the way thinking she was trying to be cool and win Kim over, but she kept it to herself. When Olivia pulled in the parking lot Kim went nuts. "My favorite place!"

Beth had been a different mom to Kim, she learned from her mistakes with Amanda and vowed never to make the same ones. Amanda looked back, "You've been here before?"

Kim was out of her seatbelt and helping Noah. "Yeah, me and mom used to come every Sunday, it was our fun day. I want to show Noah! Will y'all jump with me?" They waved at Pippa and told her yes. Amanda jumped out of the SUV talking a mile a minute. "They have trampolines, a pit with foam, basketball hoops, snack bar… mom!"

Olivia was worried about Amanda as she walked slowly and carried Noah. "Hey, I'm right here." Amanda took a deep breath, she wasn't a kid anymore and she had to be better for her brother and sister.

Beth picked her up in her arms, "Baby, I missed you so much." Beth put her on her feet and talked to Pippa about the day. She looked back and smiled at Amanda and Noah. When they got close, Olivia saw the awkwardness. Beth wanted to hug her, but wasn't sure Amanda would reciprocate it. She reached for Noah, giving him love. "Hi Amanda."

Olivia was surprised by the reaction. "Hi mom." Amanda hugged her mother for the first time in many years. Amanda thought it felt different. Beth hugged Olivia and whispered a quick thank you in her ear. Beth didn't know what she was doing, but she knew Amanda wouldn't be there without Olivia's help.

They walked in for a day of fun. Kim looked at her mother, "You aren't jumping?" Beth shook her head no and explained she would watch and hold Noah. Kim jumped with Amanda and Olivia and had a blast. Beth watched them and thought they made the perfect family. Pippa sat with Beth and Noah and waved.

When Kim wanted to jump in the pit, Olivia said she was taking a break. "Beth, if you want to jump I'll hold Noah." Noah was squirming and reaching for Olivia as soon as he saw her come over. Beth passed her Noah to hold.

She looked at him cuddling in her arms, "He knows you well." Olivia explained she had been helping out and had become friends with Amanda. "You all look like a family, not friends." Olivia tensed up, not sure where the conversation was going. "It's ok Sergeant Benson, I'm glad."

Olivia shrugged, "The trial is coming up and after that things will be a little normal. Pippa will work with you to integrate the kids." Olivia explained she had worked with Pippa before and she was great.

Beth looked unsure the entire conversation. "The kids are happier with you two. I see it. And I'm ok with it. I really am. Plus I doubt I'll ever be safe." Olivia and Beth continued to talk. Olivia explained once Johnny was sentenced, that would be it. Beth just shrugged, but didn't comment. Amanda saw them, but kept her focus on Kim. They played and even ate a huge lunch. They had pizza, nachos, and even soda.

When it was time to go, Olivia prepared Amanda for Kim. She wondered if this whole thing would cause a tantrum. Noah was too young to understand. Pippa didn't want Amanda or Olivia to be the bad guy. "Kim sweetheart, we need to say goodnight to mom."

Kim looked at Beth, "Bye mom. See you next time." She did give her a big hug. "Manda, can I go to the car and play with my iPad?" Amanda nodded and unlocked the door. They all watched her skip to the car. Olivia looked to see if Beth was upset. She hugged Noah and asked for a minute with Amanda. Pippa took Noah. "Liv, you stay."

Amanda stood in front of her mother. The last time that happened, she was a teenager and her mother handed her 500 dollars in cash, an address, and a debit card. She was supposed to go stay with a friend of hers in Jersey, far away from her and Johnny. "Amanda, did you read my…"

Amanda cut her off, she didn't need the small talk. "I read it. Why did you send me away, when you knew you were pregnant. You couldn't protect me, hell you couldn't protect yourself, did you think that would magically change." Amanda needed to say all of it. "And you just sent me away. You didn't even ask me if he ever touched me. Why? Did you just not care or couldn't bear to actually hear that you sucked as a mother."

Beth hung her head, "Amanda, did he…" Amanda scoffed, "You don't deserve to know." Beth looked at Amanda, she was amazing and raised herself. "Mom, I'm sorry about what he did to you. I know you love Kim and Noah. I know you love me. In your own way you did what you thought was best, but I grew up alone and that's not easy."

Beth really didn't have anything to say. She did a lot wrong and no matter how bad she felt, she couldn't get a redo. Amanda did something that neither her or Olivia expected, she hugged her mom. "I forgive you and I love you. I also need time though, I think that's fair."

Amanda looked at her, "I also can't put Kim and Noah through what I went through. I really don't think they should be with you, but if you want to be in their lives, get it together. When this is over, I'll fight you for custody if I have to." Beth promised that after the trial life would be different. She also promised not to just uproot the kids, but work on the family.

When they got home they both helped the kids. Olivia was rocking Noah to sleep. Amanda was worried about Kim. "Kim, did you enjoy your day?" Kim nodded, "Am I going to live with you forever?" Amanda didn't know the answer to that. She tickled her, "Not forever, because you will get married and have kids."

Kim laughed as Amanda tickled her belly some more. "Are you and Olivia getting married? Are you two going to be our new mommies?" Amanda looked at Olivia for some help. She wanted to kick herself for saying marriage and kids.

Olivia put Noah down, "Right now we're just friends and helping out your mom. We'll see how things go. Night sweet girl." Amanda sighed, Olivia did things like that so easy. They went to the bedroom.

Olivia stretched, "All the jumping, I need to soak in the tub. You shower first." Amanda rolled her eyes, "Whatever, get in the tub. I won't see you. I'm the one naked and vulnerable in a glass shower. Just try not to stare at me." Olivia laughed but when she saw the water hitting Amanda's perfect body she was wet. She was also glad she was in the tub. Amanda climbed out and winked at Olivia.

They were both in bed and Amanda asked, "Do I have a chance to come out of the friend zone." Amanda was afraid of the answer. She wanted her badly, but she didn't know if Olivia would want her in that way.

Olivia thought about how her life had changed since they met. She loved the little family they had created so quickly. Then she thought about her in the shower and didn't lie, "Yeah you do, but…" Amanda immediately became frustrated so Olivia waited, "Amanda I heard you today and I am an SVU detective, did Johnny D hurt you?"