"Liv, you mean the world to me. I just needed to hear you say that. Back off."
Elliot's words was ringing in her ears long after he had gotten out of her car and she had driven back to the precinct. It had been a couple of weeks since Kathy's funeral and he had been reckless, unpredictable and manic. He had refused to talk to her about the letter when she had approached him so she had tried her best to be supportive from a distance. She was also trying to respect boundaries she knew she needed to set if not for herself but for her career and personal relationships.
Rafael was incredibly patient and would often be the one to suggest she reach out to Elliot to make sure he was okay. He explained if it were him in the same position and he had lost her, he couldn't promise her that he would remain a man she would be proud to know and love. To love someone and have to grieve them was cruel. Olivia knew even though he had said that, she had no doubt that he would main honourable. If not only because he would know what she would never condone anything less. That and he would never compromise Noah in any way. He would do everything in his power to honour her, for the memory of her, for the legacy she leaves behind in Noah.
A couple of weeks later Olivia found herself in a diner with Kathleen who was begging for her help. Desperate, they wanted to hold an intervention for Elliot which she knew would never work, but when a girl she watched grow up for thirteen years was pleading with her, couldn't say no.
"It won't work unless you are part of it."
That evening as she and Rafael sat on the couch sharing a bottle of wine after putting Noah to bed, she had told him all about it.
"It will never work Rafa. He's too far in and too deep into this. And he's not that person who would ever admit to needing help. Nor is he the type you can shame into treatment for the good of others. No matter how much he loves his family. He's always been reckless, but not like this. Close, but not like this. It's like he has nothing to lose, but he has. He has so much to lose. There are 5 kids looking to him for strength."
"Liv, those kids know better than anyone what their father is like. They probably think this is their last resort. Clearly they are banking on your history and it's valid. You spent 5-6 days in a week with the man for almost 13 years. I'd say you both knew each other back then better than you knew yourselves. You were both ready to throw yourselves in front of a bus for the other because you shared a bond. You relied on each other to keep the other alive. You lived on instinct and that's something Liv. Most people don't even have that with their spouses or significant others. They clearly know that and they're not ashamed to use it if it means saving what's left of their father."
So again Olivia found herself in the middle of Elliot's shit storm. As predicted he had not taken it well.
"I didn't ask you to be here."
That was very clear. However she had promised to try and help and she found herself asking him what he needed.
"I love you." He paused, then realised what he had said and tried to rectify it with,
"I love you all."
At that point there was no recovering from that. He immediately exited stage right and she was left with carnage of what those three words directed at her meant for his children who were still way in over their heads in grieving the loss of the mother they loved. He brought scrutiny over her character. He had left her in another difficult position. It would seem that had been the theme upon his return. Causing havoc in her life without any regard to her or the life she had built after he had abandoned her without warning. Olivia picked up her coat and unable to look at them she told them to take care of each other. Nothing else could be said. It was like she was outed for something that never happened. Now they will forever question whether something did or didn't happen between them. She couldn't help but resent him for it.
Olivia headed straight home and hoped that Rafael was already there. He had been pulling long hours as he was preparing for the end of the school year. Writing exams and preparing his students to end well. Knowing that the intervention was that evening Rafael had made sure he was home to not only be there to have dinner with Noah and put him to bed but to also be there for Olivia should she need him. He knew that she was was struggling with the return of Elliot. Especially when all he seemed to be doing was pull at her from all directions. He was frustrated, but not at her. Worried, but he didn't want to add to her already faltering bravado. He was her best friend first, and he was trying to honour that as best as he could. When he heard her keys at the door he stood to his feet as she walked in she wordlessly stepped into his arms allowing his presence surround and calm her.
"I guess it would be safe to assume that did not go as well as any of you hoped."
"He's unbelievable." She said unable to even string a coherent sentence together. Rafael rubbed her back trying to soothe her. Olivia's forehead fell to his shoulder.
"He was jumpy, angry, lost. He has no grasp of reality right now. Rafa he looked at me and told me he loved me, in front of his children." Despite how hard he tried to control his reaction she felt Rafael stiffen for the briefest moment making her look up at him.
"That would have been hard to hear especially as it was in front of his children." He replied trying to gloss over his reaction that he knew she caught.
"As hard as it was just now." She replied. Rafael dropped is lips to her forehead.
"Hearing someone else tell the person you love that they loved them is never going to be easy Liv. I'm only human. But it's not like you didn't already know or somewhat suspected. You said so yourself, back then he was the only person in your life who stood by you and you shared 13 years together. We may not have put it in words but it hasn't come out of left field. There's a reason why out of this whole world it's you he's holding on to you so tightly. Even if it feels as though all he s doing is pulling and pushing."
"Rafa, it doesn't mean."
"Hey, I never said it changes how you feel about me. Or about us. I am merely acknowledging your history runs deep and you both need to wade through it when the time comes because until you do, you are both at an impasse." Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. Despite his patience she knew everything about Elliot was chipping away at him. At them. That he was holding so tightly to keep the semblance of them because she was rattled.
It was late and they were both in bed awake. When her phone started ringing and she didn't pick up, he knew who it was. Rafael sat up and placed a hand on her arm,
"You should answer that. Otherwise you'll be up all night worrying." He said sensibly as he stood to his feet and headed out of the bedroom to give her some privacy.
Olivia sighed and listened to Elliot's voicemail telling her who it was that set off the bomb. She immediately called him back.
"Elliot, it's me. I'm sorry I didn't pick up. Umm, I just listened to your message. Call me back. Please. Call me back okay?" She said hanging up as she shook her head.
Rafael looked at the time, it was well past midnight and he was wide awake. There would be no sleeping in his future, especially since depending on the outcome of their phone call it could mean Olivia was being called in for something by Stabler who clearly had no regard for her personal life. That she had a child that she could possibly be having to leave behind because he summoned for her. But she was a grown woman and her own person. She didn't need to be defended or have her battles fought for her. Rafael vowed to stand beside her as she navigated this season. However it didn't mean that it didn't come with a price he found himself paying. Giving up on sleep he pulled out the exam papers he was working on with another professor. When Rafael had not returned after half an hour she came out to find him bent over papers that now covered their dining room table. She knew that meant he was hunkering down for the evening to work. Sleep lost.
Olivia walked over to where he sat and ran her fingers through his hair before sitting across his lap, wrapping her arms around his shoulders resting her forehead against his temple.
"I love you Rafael Barba," she said softly, desperately. Rafael turned his head to meet her gaze and cupped her cheek.
"I know." He replied trying to reassure her, but she could see his confidence dim at his own words. Olivia's eyes began to fill with tears knowing she had done that.
"Hey. Liv. Stop. We're okay." Unable to answer with words Olivia covered his lips with hers and kissed him deeply pouring everything into that kiss, wanting him to know just how much she cared about him, that living life without him would never be an option. Rafael's hand was resting on her neck as he met her tongue stroke for stroke. He could taste her tears through their kiss.
"Liv Baby," he said taking her face with both hands as he reluctantly pulled away.
"I know you love me." He promised.
Rafael stood to his feel and took her hand leading them back to the bedroom knowing she would never settle if he stayed in the kitchen working. As he climbed into bed she followed and snuggled close against him. Her head resting on his chest, his heartbeat soothed her to sleep.
Something had shifted and Rafael saw and felt it almost immediately. It was while they were working on Simon's case. Figuring out that Wheatley was tied to her brothers death in some small way had closed the gap between Elliot and Olivia. He was 'El' again. They were shot at and Elliot had covered her with his body. So reminiscent to who they were before and in that moment he saw it as she gave him a recount of what had happened.
When the invite to Phoebe and Fin's wedding arrived addressed to Olivia Benson and Rafael Barba he saw her face still when he handed it to her. It occurred to him to ask whether Stabler knew she was seeing someone. The look on her face told him what he needed to know.
"Wow," he breathed. Not waiting for a verbal response he moved so quickly it didn't register immediately that he had turned and headed out the door.
"Rafa," she called out but it was too late. It was almost midnight. She had come home late after closing a case. She didn't realise that Phoebe was mailing out the invites and she wasn't surprised it was addressed to both of them. It occurred to her in that moment that her worlds were about to collide when there was finally some semblance of peace. She couldn't run after him as Noah was asleep and it was too late to drag Lucy out of bed. She hadn't needed to call Lucy in the middle of the night in almost two years since Rafael was back because he quickly became that person she called to stay with Noah and once they were together he was with them most nights anyways. She called his phone and she could hear it vibrate on the dining room table. She headed to the room to see if he was wearing his watch and found it charging by his side of the bed. He had literally walked out in his sweats, a t-shirt and whatever sneaker he picked up as he walked out the door. Olivia waited for him until she fell asleep. At 4am she woke with a jolt she found that he had still not come home.
"Where's Rafi?" Noah asked as Olivia woke him to get ready for school.
"He had to go somewhere early sweet boy."
"Will he be home for dinner?" He asked.
"I hope so my love." Olivia said as fear set in her stomach and an ache in her heart began fo set.
She got Noah off to school and when she had returned she could tell that he had been home. His backpack for work was gone, as well as his phone. She drove to his apartment suspecting that's where he ended up the night before. She and Noah were due to move into his place but work got busy and there wasn't time to pack up her apartment and move to his. He didn't push. He just never went home to his place except to pick things up. She walked into the bedroom to find his unmade bed, curtains drawn, two empty water bottles and his migraine pills by the bedside. No Rafael Barba in sight. Surely even he wasn't stubborn enough to teach with a migraine? However she knew if he was doing his best to avoid her, he'd do just that. She tried his phone again which remained switched off.
"Rafa, I'm sorry. Please call me."
Olivia reluctantly dragged herself to work hoping that time would help. She did try calling him throughout the day to no avail.
"I fucked up Fin." Olivia said as he sat down in the seat in front of her. Her office door closed.
"Rafa asked me last night if Stabler knew I was seeing someone and I froze."
"Because you haven't told Stabler about Barba. Who you're essentially living with and raising your son?"
"Not helping,"
"Sorry."
"The look on his face as it dawned on him. Fin, I screwed up. He looked so hurt. So defeated. He just walked out. Rafa is never wordless and he never walks out. That's usually my thing. Fin I never meant to not tell Stabler."
"I get it Liv. So does Barba."
"That's what frightens me. It's not what he thinks. Or at least in its entirety." She feebly explained. They were both interrupted by her phone.
"Benson,"
"Is this Captain Olivia Benson? Emergency contact for Rafael Barba?" Olivia's heart dropped.
"Yes, is he alright?" She asked panicked.
"I'm fine. You didn't have to call her." She heard him in the background clearly agitated on the phone.
"He's fine. He collapsed whilst teaching in class so he's currently in the school infirmary as he refuses to be taken to hospital."
"I'm on my way,"
"Tell her not to bother. I will make my own way. I'm fine." Olivia's eyes filled with tears.
"You tell his stubborn ass I'm on my way." Olivia heard scuffling before she heard his voice.
"I'm fine. There's no need to come. I'm getting an Uber now. I'm sorry she disturbed you."
"Rafi," Rafael closed his eyes hating how she sounded. The nurse gave him some privacy and left the room. He ran his fingers through his hair.
"You just need give me a minute to process. It's been a lot and I just need a minute. I'm not bolting. I'm not walking away. Unless that's what you want."
"That's not what I want." She jumped in.
"Ok. I have to go. My Uber is here."
"Rafa, I love you." She heard him pause as though he was processing that sentence for the first time.
"And I love you," he answered but she could hear the question in his voice wondering if that was enough to sustain them.
She came home early unable to concentrate to find Rafael asleep on the couch Noah curled against him as he read.
He came home.
She was almost certain he wouldn't and the thought haunted her all day.
"Rafi doesn't feel well."
"I know my love so we have to take good care of him."
"He picked me up from school but he called Lucy to take me to dance."
"You should go get ready. I'll look after Rafa." She promised as Noah reluctantly hopped off the couch.
Olivia let Rafael sleep and got changed into her sweats. After seeing Noah off she closed the door behind him and let out a deep sigh and prayed like she never had before that they would be okay. Olivia lay where Noah was facing him. She stared at his face and traced his features gently with her fingertips. Torn between wanting to wake him and leaving him at peace. Rafael opened his eyes and met hers. He could see the depth of her apology in her eyes and the worry that lingered. He was hurt and his migraine had not allowed him to process which was frustrating and potentially a blessing at the same time.
"How's your head?"
"Better. I just had to get new prescription meds. I'm fine." He assured her.
"Thank you for coming home." She felt him stiffen at the word home but he nodded.
"Noah get to dance?" He asked as she nodded. She never took for granted how involved he was in Noah's every day routine, that despite how poorly he was feeling he still made arrangements to ensure Noah was cared for. That he had come home. She knew it was primarily for Noah and to not raise alarm even if she knew had he had a choice he would have gone home to his place to sleep off his migraine. Olivia placed her hand on his cheek and brought her lips to his kissing him gently. She felt his hesitation and her heart hurt.
"I'm so sorry Rafa." Rafael sat up and stood to his feet needing to not be so close to her,
"I know Liv. Look I love you. That will never change. I'm in this for as long as you want to be but I would be lying if I didn't tell you that you not telling Elliot that you were seeing someone didn't concern me. Especially as we've been together what 14 months and he's been back for 2 of those. I don't know what to say to that. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurt. Liv it would be one thing if I wasn't practically living here. That we haven't decided to move in together. Months later and we're still here. You were the one who was so insistent on moving in together. To move to my place. That is was time. I never forced you into it and here we are and not a box has been packed. It's okay if you've changed your mind. If you're not ready. If you want to slow us down or you want to take a break but I need you to communicate that with me. I promise you Noah won't be a casualty but we can't keep going this way if this isn't what you want. Or whether you have doubts. Or if you want to give something a go that you never had a chance to before. I know you love me. I know you love us. But Liv, as much as I love you I won't be someone you settle for because it's easier." Olivia stood to her feet horrified.
"You think staying together would be settling for me?"
"I don't know anything anymore." He confessed. Olivia purposely stood in his space so she can look right into his eyes,
"Then hear me when I tell you, I love you Rafael Barba. I am in love with you. In a way I have never been before. You are my best friend in the whole world. There's not a second of every day that I don't want to share whatever randomness has entered my mind. You know everything there is to know about me. There's not a moment when I wouldn't rather be laying in your arms and kissing you and making love to you. When I think about the rest of my life, Noah graduating from middle school, high school and college it's your hand that's holding mine as I cry. When I retire, its you I want to be laying beside me in some tropical island for at least a month. When Noah gets married, its you I see on his other arm as we walk him down the aisle. When he has kids, you're the Abuelito who will be teaching them how to bake because you and I both know it's not going to be that grandparent." Rafael chuckled. Olivia grabbed hold of both his hands.
"I am sorry I let the chaos delay and interrupt our plans. That's on me. I want to move in with you. That hasn't changed. Every morning I want to wake up with you beside me. This morning, knowing you didn't come home and what that could mean." Olivia took a deep breath,
"Rafa. Me not telling Elliot wasn't because I was hiding it. Yes I was trying to avoid more chaos but honestly, he's never asked me. He hasn't asked me one question about my life since he's been back. He knows I have a son. He has no idea how old he is or how I even got to have him. He knows nothing about Lewis. He knows nothing about my life since he left because he's been living in his own bubble. Whatever is not directly affecting him, he has no concern about. I'm not sure if it has always been that way, but this time around, it's evidently so. I never told him about us because to be honest, he has no right to the information. Nor does he have a right to comment. He doesn't get to have a say in the most important parts of my life. He lost that right the moment he walked out of it all those years ago without a backward glance. Us, you, me and Noah that's my whole world. That's all I want or need. I just wanted to protect it for as long as I could. I am sorry Rafa for what it looked like to you." Rafael drew her into his arms.
"Rafa,"
"Yes Liv,"
"Will you go to Fin and Phoebe's wedding with me as my date?" Rafael kissed her forehead.
"Of course. Why don't we get a suite at the hotel next to the venue and spend the weekend there. Noah would love the pool time."
"That sounds like an incredible idea Professor Barba."
That night they ordered take out neither wanting to get off the couch where they remained wrapped around each other long after Noah had arrived home. The three of them had Chinese while they watched a movie in their pjs.
Olivia was understandably nervous on the day of the wedding. It would be the first time her boys would meet Elliot and vice versa. She also knew that because she hadn't given him a heads up about her relationship status he would be blindsided, but she stuck to her guns. She owed him no explanation.
As it turned out there was no wedding as Phoebe and Fin decided to go against the status quo. They just wanted to be Fin and Phoebe, unapologetically in love without conforming to society set norms. Elliot had missed what would have been the ceremony which no one particularly minded as they enjoyed the tension free family time that would surely shift upon his appearance. Olivia was watching Noah and Rafael as they busted a move in the corner amusing her to no end.
"What'd I miss?" Elliot asked appearing from nowhere forcing her to tear her gaze away from her boys.
"Not a lot. No wedding. Still in love. Celebrating happiness." She answered.
"I was looking at apartments in the city." He said providing an explanation for his tardiness.
"Oh yeah?"
"Figured it was time to settle in. Give Eli a little more stability."
"That's good El."
"They're a good looking couple," he observed as he handed her her coat, which she exchanged with a glass of wine she picked up from the waiter who passed them.
"How'd they meet,"
"She was his first partner," she replied as he smiled.
She caught Rafa's gaze in the corner of her eye witnessing their exchange. Before they could continue she was pulled away by the chief. Once they were done she sought out Rafael who she knew was giving her space to handle them however which way she needed to with Stabler and was taking her lead. She found him in the parking lot on his way back from the car holding his coat,
"Noah's cold." He answered her unasked question.
"We okay?" She asked,
"Of course Liv." He replied. Behind her he saw a vehicle coming straight towards her, instinctively he had pulled her out of the way and turned to make sure she wasn't clipped taking the brunt of impact as the car swerved and drove off.
"PAPI!!!!" Noah Porter Benson let out an ear piercing scream witnessing Rafael's body being flung to the ground. Olivia rushed over to Rafael as Fin, Sonny and Elliot came rushing out. Amanda held Noah in place.
"Let me go. Papi!" Noah protested yelling for Rafael who up until that point was just Rafi.
"Rafa," Olivia said desperately with tears in her eyes.
"Hey, are you hurt?" He asked worriedly as she rolled her eyes at him.
"I'm fine. What were you thinking?' She asked angrily.
"Are you seriously about to lecture me now? Noah," he said hearing him cry out for him as he tried to sit up.
"Stay still we don't know if anything is broken and your head in bleeding."
"I'm fine Captain Benson." He assured her.
"Barba, we've called for an ambulance. Stay still. What happened?" Sonny asked,
"We were out here, I was getting my coat for Noah and out of nowhere this car was gunning towards Olivia and I just reacted."
"You think she was the target?"
"I mean it could have been me, but they swerved when I threw her down,"
"Papi," Noah moaned.
"Let him come. He needs to see I'm okay." Rafael pleaded as Olivia motioned for Amanda to release Noah who ran towards them still crying.
"Papi," he said kneeling beside him. Rafael placed a hand on Noah's cheek wiping his tears with his thumb.
"Papi's fine Mijo. Just a little bruised." No one missed the term of endearment in reference to Noah and how in that moment they had transitioned officially into Father and Son.
Olivia got in the ambulance with Rafael whilst Amanda promised she and Sonny would be right behind them with Noah who couldn't go into the ambulance with them. Elliot watched them all fall into action. They, her team, her friends were more than that. They were family. He saw how they cared for each other and how they loved on her child. He realised the child that screamed for the man he called Papi was Olivia's son. He wondered if he was the one Fin had told him had come close, especially if they had shared a son. As far as he knew Olivia didn't have anyone, not that he had even bothered to ask.
Rafael luckily escaped with bruises. No concussion or broken bones. He knew if the car had reached their intended target, her fate would have been much worse. Fin had taken Olivia's statement as well as Rafael's. Rafael had told Fin he was worried for Olivia and suspected it was one of Wheatley's goons sending a warning sign to Elliot. Fin suspected the same and agreed to look into it. Rafael refused to stay overnight and reluctantly was released in the care of Olivia who drove them back to their hotel. Noah was getting ready for bed as Olivia helped Rafael shower and change into his sweats. His bruises were starting to appear and it wasn't lost on Olivia how lucky they were that his injuries were worse.
"Hoodie please." He said surprising her as he never slept with anything more than a t-shirt if he was wearing a top at all.
"I don't want Noah to see the bruises." He explained as she nodded kissing him deeply.
"You scared the shit out of me today Barba." She murmured against his lips.
"That was some coming out party we had for your partner."
"I'd hate to break it to you, I don't think he figured it out. He knows Noah is mine, and Noh obviously screamed for Papi, but I don't think he realises we are a couple."
"Clearly he missed you pawing at me on the dance floor as he was late." He teased.
"You're an idiot."
"I'm your idiot."
"That you are. Don't you ever do that to me again." Rafael sighed and bringing his hand to cradle her neck,
"You put yourself in danger every day for people you don't even know. You can't ask me to not to try and protect you, or Noah or anyone in our family if I can. You and I both know had the shoe been on the other foot you would have done the same thing.
"Point taken,"
"Thank you."
"So, Papi?" She said with a smile,
"Apparently so."
"I honestly thought it was coming months ago. That Rafi was just a transition."
"You mind?"
"Of course not. He loves you Rafa. You're the only father he's ever known. He was so scared. We could have lost you today."
"But you didn't. I'm fine. You're fine. Our kid is perfect. All is good." Noah knocked on their bedroom door looking nervous.
"Come my love," Rafael beckoned to where he and Olivia sat on the bed. Noah carefully climbed over Liv to sit between them. Rafael draped an arm around Noah's shoulder.
"I know tonight was pretty scary, did you want to talk about it?" Rafael asked as Noah buried his face into Rafael's chest.
"I just keep seeing you get hit by that car. I'm glad you're okay and I know you're okay. I just keep seeing it. Every time I close my eyes I see your Mami get hit by the car."
"Oh my love, I'm so sorry you had to see that. But Mami and I are both here and we're both fine. It's natural to be scared so we want you to keep talking to us about it and you tell us how to make this better for you."
"Can I stay here with you both tonight?"
"Of course you can Mijo. I think a family slumber party is what we all need after today."