The Benson-Barba trio spent the rest of their week just being with each other. They got Christmas ready by putting the decorations up. They had put the tree up after Thanksgiving but hadn't had the chance to pull the Christmas decoration boxes from storage. They baked cookies with Noah and Abuelita who loved the Christmas season that little bit more since Noah.

Whilst they were only apart for a little over a week, it had felt longer. On Sunday night after Noah had gone to bed Olivia had come out of the shower in search of Rafael and found him at their bedroom balcony in the egg swing chair. She couldn't remember the last time they had sat in it individually let along together as they used to often do. He was nursing a cup of tea in his hands as he was laid back looking up at the sky.

"Rafael Barba with a cup of tea in his hands instead of a glass of scotch. Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" She teased. Rafael glanced her way, grinned and resumed watching the sky without a response.

"Is there room for me?" She asked. Rafael placed his cup on the floor away from being knocked over and shuffled over making room for her.

"Always," he answered lifting his arm as she snuggled against his side.

"It's a pretty night." It was freezing but it was pretty.

"I was hoping it would snow a little." He admitted.

"Are you trying to catch pneumonia?"

"No, I like snow. It makes the scene feel magical somehow. The first time we kissed it was snowing." He pointed out. Olivia kissed his cheek.

"One of the things I love about you Rafael Barba is that you're a romantic." Rafael smiled,

"Duly noted."

"You have your ponder face on. You've had it since you've come home. Want to share?" He knew she wasn't asking.

"That's just my face Liv." He answered evasively.

He was finally home and it was great to have him back. He doted on Noah and on her, but something felt different. It was like he was guarded somehow but she couldn't describe in what way. He was still physically affectionate, told her he loved her, when they made love he was attentive and present but there was a piece of him she couldn't quite reach. She knew that they just needed time. That her words had failed to deliver on more than one occasion in the last ten months. She vowed they were on the same team and it was he that she couldn't live without but at every turn her loyalty to Stabler had kicked in and before she could reign herself in, she had added another level of distrust between them. She knew that his sheer love for her, for Noah, for their family is what he had kept him fighting despite the walls he kept hitting. Despite how much she had hurt him and kept hurting him. Her fear was that he would never fully know the depth of her love for him. She knew there was a part of him that wondered if things would be different had they not been married. Had they not been together.

"Now I know I've been questionably dense a lot recently but I still know how to read you."

"I know. It's weird but it's like I'm back but I don't quite feel right."

"Well the fact that you said back instead of home kind of sheds some light why it doesn't feel right. Rafa, this is your home. We are your home and you are our home. It doesn't matter where we are, as long as we're together, we're home." She answered as he nodded as he kissed her forehead. He used to believe that down to his very core but lately, the depth of that belief didn't quite stretch as far as it used to. Olivia saw the hesitation in his eyes which was always her window. It broke her heart a little and found herself just tightening her hold on him.

"I love you Rafael Barba. Please don't give up on me." She said softly.

"Liv, look at me." He said as his voice cracked. Olivia lifted her head from his shoulder and met his gaze.

"I love you. I have no intention of giving up on you or us. But I would be lying if I told you nothing has changed. How could it not? We just need time to find our feet. I promise I am in this for as long as you want to be." Olivia nodded as she draped and arm across his middle.

"You know when I was young, and everything sucked which it often did I dreamt of moments like these?"

"You had a Cuban husband in your dreams?" He asked,

"Yeah and he was a smart mouth too." She quipped as he chuckled.

"I imagined being with the person who I knew without a shadow of doubt loved me and I loved him in return. That we would spend our night cuddled together talking about the good and the hard parts of our life. It wouldn't be perfect but it was just ours. I never thought it was possible until you came into my life with an opening line like 'take your daughter to work day?' no less."

"I was terribly charming. He said laughing,

"You were terrible for sure."

"You loved that about me."

"I loved that you were always a straight shooter. You never thought twice about sparing my feelings and just called me out on my shit. Post Stabler, I think everyone was scared to do that. Then Lewis happened and you were the one person so didn't treat me like a victim. You never looked at me and different. You didn't look at me as though I was something fragile that was going to break. You didn't demand less of me, if anything you demanded more. You wanted to make sure I kept fighting, even if the person I was fighting was you. Somewhere along the line, you became my partner. My best friend. The one person who knew everything there was to know about me and hell still cared about me despite it. Noah came into my life and despite your initial meeting you and he grew to be your own buddies, always happy to gang up on Mom, but also the first one to steer him in the right direction if he swayed. You didn't try with Noah, you were just Rafa and he that's what drew him to you. You weren't trying to impress him, but you made sure he knew you cared about him. You talked to him like an adult when he was 9 months old."

"He wasn't exactly hard to love with those big brown eyes and marshmallow cheeks."

"Especially when his face just lit up the moment you walked into any room and started screaming 'Baba'."

"That certainly didn't hurt any."

"You loved it, especially when he used to do it in front of Ed."

"Guilty. But Noah warmed to him eventually."

"Not like you."

"Well the kid has good taste, look who he picked to be his parents."

"Rafa, I know my history with Stabler is a lot. But you and I have our own history and it's not diminished by the one I have with Stabler. You not only watched me grow, you challenged me to be the best person, detective, Sargent, lieutenant and now Captain I can be. Not to mention Mom. You let me make mistakes and you cheer me on for just giving anything a try. You still do. Stabler is my past, we have history, and yes he will always mean something to me but I don't love him in the way you suspect I do. Just because we never went down that road doesn't mean I missed something. Or wonder what if. Or long for what could be. Or that we never had the opportunity if that was really what was meant to be. You know Elliot and Kathy were separated for awhile in the later years of our partnership. If it was something he wanted, or something I wanted, or something that was meant to be, we could have been. With or without a wife."

"You're not that person." He said gently.

"I know. What I'm trying to point out is that Stabler and I never ended up together not because we never got the chance. It just never felt right. Ten years later and it is loud and clear why we never got there. I would not be who I am today had we gotten together. Heck I wouldn't even be the same person had he never left. Whilst you always prodded me out of my comfort zone and wanted me to see where my wings would take me, I was constantly in Elliot's shadow. Back when we were partners, I would never have wanted anything more than what we had and he wasn't one who ever encouraged me to dream bigger, want for more. I had no ambition nor did I note my own potential. Can you imagine me eventually outranking Elliot in that scenario? Not that he purposely got in my way. I would like to think he would have been a notable cheerleader, but seeing that potential in me, in all things. That was never him. He and I were like co-joined twins tethered to the other. After almost thirteen years it was hard to distinguish where each other began and ended. As much as I hated that Kathy dictated the words, she was right. We stopped each other from being who we were and where we were meant to be. I just wish I had received that letter within the first week he dropped from the face of the earth. Would have given all of us the closure we all needed." Rafa ran his hand up an down her arm."

"Noah told me you explained to him that Elliot didn't mean to scare him that night or upset me. You explained to him that bad men made him take something that made him unwell. That he came here because I was his best friend and the only person Elliot trusted and he knew that I would know what to do. That he would have been sorry had he known his actions, especially since they had hurt me." Rafael shrugged,

"You said so yourself that Elliot will always mean something to you. You're not in a great place right now but that won't be forever. I would like to think that a man who has five kids would never want to scare a 9 year old, especially the kid of his partner. I didn't want Noah to be scared of him. I also didn't want him to be uncomfortable when they're in the same room."

"You mean like the side eye he was giving him when you picked me up from New Jersey?" Olivia asked with a chuckle,

"Yeah like that. We had the talk on the way to pick you up, I guess it hadn't quite stuck or sunk in yet."

"That's because he's Team Papi all the way."

"I should hope so. I've invested a lot of story time with that kid." He said incredulously,

"Joke all you want but you know that kid worships the ground you walk on and the thought of anyone threatening your position in his life or my life is not acceptable."

"I don't take that for granted Liv. Any of it."

"I know. I wanted to say thank you for instilling the important values in our son. For having a conversation with him about Elliot when he doesn't deserve it."

"I didn't do it for him."

"I wasn' t very deserving of it either."

"I wouldn't go that far, but even if you weren't. Noah always is. He deserves to know all sides and being able to make his own decisions with the information he knows. To develop his own moral compass. He's a good kid and he deserves the opportunity to know he can push back if he believes something strong enough."

"Just so you know, I don't take any of that for granted either. You chose to love Noah. You choose to love me. You choose this family when I haven't exactly made it easier."

"I know Liv."

"Rafa,"

"Yeah?"

"It's cold and your usual Cuban body heat isn't radiating sufficient heat as it normally does. Can we please go inside and sit by the fire."

"Sure Mi Amor," he said pressing his lips to her bold cheek and standing to his feet pulling her up gently wrapping his arms around as they headed inside.

Rafael went back to his academia life and had never been happier about it. But with Christmas just around the corner all he was doing was grading exams and papers. Noah was busy with rehearsals for end of year Christmas plays and his dance studio was doing a Christmas production. The poor kid was exhausted every evening only staying up for barely a chapter before passing out. Liv was busy at work but conscious about making an effort with Rafael knowing they were still treading water.

Elliot had finished with his undercover work just before Kathy's trial and he was keeping himself busy with Eli and making sure he felt supported. Carisi's words weren't lost on him, neither were Olivia's. He acknowledged that he was selfish. If he were honest with himself, he had always been selfish. With his wife and especially with Liv. He had the wife to come home to and had his work wife too. He took so much room in her life that she never had room for anyone else nor have room to want for more. He could see that Rafael loved Olivia. When he looked into Lewis, he knew why everyone wanted to protect her from being up on that stand. Least of all her husband who was around when it had all happened. He had missed so much of her life. Her most traumatic experiences as well as her most rewarding, like her endless promotions and commendations, having a son. Finally finding the balance of a personal life as well as a professional one. Being surrounded by colleagues, friends and family that were one of the same as it had all blended together. She built the life she had, and he was proud of her.

He looked into Barba, Ayanna even vouched for him and gave him an account of the night he showed up at Liv's where he had no recollection of past telling Liv he hadn't written the letter. Ayanna had told him that Rafael was the one that helped her get him into their headquarters. How Rafael had walked in on him with his hands all over Olivia and he still did right by his wife by looking after him instead of punching him in the face which she admitted she would have done first.

"Lunch Professor Barba?" His wife asked as he answered the phone,

"Hello to you too Wife." Olivia smirked,

"Sorry, hello Husband. Would you like to have lunch?"

"I would love to. But I have an appointment."

"Another one?" She asked. It was the second time he'd declined lunch on her.

"Sorry Liv. I can't move it otherwise I would. Can I take you out to dinner? A date? It's been awhile since we've had a date date."

"Ooooh like a we both get dressed up and I shave my legs kind of a date and you wear suspenders under your sports coat night?" Rafael started laughing.

"Exactly that. I'll call Luc, if she can't do I'll ask Mami."

"Sounds like a plan. Should I worry about some side piece you have that you never have time to lunch with your wife?"

"As you so pointed out wife, I do not have that kind of attention span. Aside from you already being a handful my heart only seems to long for one person and that is you. So the answer to your question is No. You don't have to worry about some side piece. Ever. Even when we're 85. That and I would hate for Carisi to have to prosecute you."

"I appreciate that. Let me know how you go with Luc and Mami."

"I will do. Love you wife."

"You're okay too Husband."

"Funny funny girl." He replied with an eye roll before hanging up.

Rafael had skipped Lucy and went straight to his mother who was more than happy to have Noah over for a sleepover. She had agreed to pick up Noah and take him straight back to hers as he had clothes there too. It was a rare night where he had no rehearsal so he would be excited for a night with Abuelita as they always did fun things like cook, bake and play scrabble in Spanish.

When she got home she found a bath had been drawn for her and a new dress was laid out on their bed. Her husband nowhere to be found so she picked up her phone to call him.

"Where are you?"

"Getting ready at Mami's. She was going to pick up Noah but I was home early so I dropped him off so she didn't have to drive."

"You're a good son."

"I love the dress thank you. How did you get my bath at the perfect temperature?"

"Now if I told you then where is the mystery?"

"You're so dramatic."

"You love it. I'll see you in a little over an hour. Take a long hot bath and relax. Our reservation isn't until 8pm."

"And where are you taking me?"

"Cute Benson, like I'd tell."

"Fine. I'll see you when you get here."

Truth was Lucy was waiting at their apartment until Rafael had told her that Olivia was on her way home and he had shared her location so she could track in. A little over an hour later he let himself in.

"Hey Liv, I'm here."

"Can you please zip me up?" She called from the bedroom as he headed upstairs.

"Wow," he exclaimed.

"You like?" She asked as she stood there in the dress he had picked out for her,

"So much so that I don't want to zip you up." Olivia chuckled,

"Too bad. You promised me a date and I plan on collecting. Now zip me up please." Rafael walked over to her and pulled the zipper from the bottom of her spine where it started to just below her shoulders. The dress he had picked out for her revealed her shoulders and he couldn't quite help himself and pressed his mouth to her neck down to her shoulders.

"Barba, don't you dare start." She protested in mid moan as his hand worked their way to her abdomen. Rafael kissed her cheek and released her.

"Come on." He said slipping his hand into hers.

Rafael had taken her to one of her favourite restaurants that she refused to go to unless it was a special occasion as she deemed it too extravagant.

"Rafa,"

"We deserved a good date night Liv. After the last 10 months, we needed a night like tonight." He replied as he took his hand in hers above he table. Olivia laced her fingers through his and brought their joined hands to her lips.

"I know you've been worried." He began.

"About me. About us. Whether or not we would ever recover or whether we could ever regain momentum. We're okay Liv. We're a work in progress and we're in this together." She watched him take a deep breath,

"I want to be honest with you. I was finding it really difficult being at home and I just felt restless. I know you love me. I know you want us. My head got that. I guess there was a part of me that went into self preservation mode and I just couldn't completely assimilate back into our status quo. It really bothered me. Hence the more tea and less scotch. That's how my father sorted his thoughts and I refuse to be like that, especially with Noah."

"You would never," she said without any hesitation.

"The reason why I haven't been able to have lunch with you is because I've started seeing a therapist. I know you want me to be able to talk to you and I do. There are just some things I can't unpack with you, which I assume is the same for you. There are things you can't unpack with me. Growing up I watched my parents marriage implode because my father was an angry man who didn't know how to communicate. Who put his pride before the well being of his family. I swore never to be that man. When I was younger I never entertained the thought of being married, having a family because I was so scared that his DNA runs in me and I never want to inflict that upon anyone. I never wanted a family, until you. Until Noah. It took as awhile to get here because I never allowed myself to entertain the thought. You weren't just some girl I met, you were my best friend. When I finally asked you out there was a magnitude to that decision. I knew eventually I would make you my wife and I wanted to live the rest of our days trying to make you happy. I never wanted to be the man who could never be honest about what he was feeling and be angry because he couldn't truly express how he felt. When Stabler came back I pushed a lot of feelings aside because I wanted to be supportive. I didn't want to be something that was complicated. Stabler was complicated therefore I didn't want to be complicated. At some point I stopped calling you out on things I would have before. If we were hitting the walls we were hitting when I wasn't even doing that, then what would we lead to if I did. By the time the trial came around, I was already at my limit so seeing how betrayed you felt when I won Wheatley's case. I shut down. And I know I did. I hadn't shut down like that since I was a kid. That night when we talked on the egg swing when you were being honest with me, I knew I had to do something to meet you half way. So I called George and asked if he had any recommendations. He offered, but seeing as we were all friends, I didn't think that was appropriate even if there was already the advantage of him knowing history. He referred me to a friend of his Dr Hunter and with the holidays he's been pretty booked out but as a favour to George he's been making time for me which is usually lunch times."

Olivia knew she loved Rafael and had for a very long time. In that moment, she knew she had never loved him more.

"Thank you Rafa and not to sound like a broken record, I'm so sorry."

"I know Liv. This wasn't to make you feel worse. I just wanted to be honest with you."

"Rafa,"

"Liv,"

"Did you want to see one together?" Whilst he was open to it, he never thought for a minute she would be knowing she often gave Lindstrom half truths.

"Only if you want you." He replied. She read behind what he wasn't saying which was if she wanted to, then she had to be completely honest in those sessions.

"I want to do this, us together. The hard parts too."

"Okay. We can talk about logistics when we're not on a date." He replied as she smiled.

"Rafa,"

"Yes Liv,"

"Can we go outside for a second?"

"Of course," Rafael had signalled to their waiter that they were just going to get some air who nodded. As soon as they were outside Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck bringing her body against his.

"I love you Rafael Barba. More than I have ever loved anyone before in my life. Noah aside. I am glad that I get to do this life with you."

"Back at you Mi Amor." He murmured into her shoulder as he hugged her back.