The holidays was exactly what the Babra-Benson's needed to re-centre and somewhat heal from the chaos of the last year. They had brought in the New Year as a family of 5 in a log cabin that Rafael had organised for them as a surprise. They had done the faux countdown with Noah with the earlier fireworks and they rang in the New Year in the master suite in front of the fireplace. They had stayed for a couple of days before heading home where work and school were to resume for all. The break was the healing balm that they all required. It had brought them all closer together. Their talk with Noah had opened a narrative they realised he needed. He expressed why he didn't like Elliot and how it made him feel every time he was around because of the emotions it had evoked from his parents, especially Olivia. It pained Olivia to know how much of affected him without them knowing. How much he had observed despite how hard they tried to shield him from it. She and Rafael had talked at length about seeing someone as a couple and raised that it may also be an idea to see one together as family when they realised how much Noah had been holding in.
"Hey I'm going to be late tonight?" Rafael began as Olivia answered her phone,
"Well hello to you too husband." She answered teasingly.
"Sorry Baby, it's been a day." He apologised.
"It's okay. I enjoy making you squirm." She replied as he chuckled.
"Oh I am well aware my love."
"What Academia emergency has you in knots Sweetheart?" She asked as she checked what Noah had on that evening and whether it required a parent present.
"The Dean has asked to meet with me tonight and I tried to say I was busy but it sounded serious so I will be here having a meeting at 6pm.
"Oooh summoned to the Dean's office. Whatever did you do?"
"Very funny. Your guess is as good as mine. My contract is expiring so I guess it might be that."
"Do you think they may not renew your contract?"
"I mean I don't see any reason not to. I just took it for granted that they would, but even if they didn't it wouldn't be a big deal."
"What would you do?"
"Are you asking if I'd go back to being a defence attorney?" He asked.
"I would discuss those things with you first Liv." Rafael assured her in a soft tone.
"I know, and I didn't mean it that way."
"I know, still sensitive topic I guess. If they don't offer me another contract there are other renowned colleges in New York City."
"Rafa, there's still your offer"
"No Liv. Our family is here. Our family is my priority. It's not fair to Noah or to us as a family."
Rafael was recently offered a position as White House Counsel which he had turned down. He didn't want to put Noah through him leaving or uprooting him. Not to mention asking Olivia to move to another state with him simply because of a job offer. It would be one thing if he was single, but he wasn't. They were a family.
"Rafa, I don't want to be the one holding you back. I don't want you to resent me, resent us because you didn't take this opportunity."
"Liv, honey as previously discussed it's a job. I can work any where and do anything. You, Noah, our family is my priority. There's no room for regret on that choice. I want this. I want our family. I want us to be together. I choose that above all else. This is more than I had ever hoped and prayed for. There is nothing to resent you for. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I wanted to go you would be the first to pack my bag but I don't want to. I want to stay here because this is where our family is."
"We can go with you."
"I appreciate that Mi Amor, I do. But I am not uprooting you and our child on the basis of a job opportunity. You certainly are nowhere near thinking about retirement. Our friends, our family, our life is here in New York."
"I love you Rafa,"
"I should hope so seeing as I am now wearing my ring for all to see that I am taken. I am officially off the market." He joked.
"Funny funny man."
"You love that about me."
"I just love you. Your Dad jokes I can take or leave." She admitted with a sigh,
"And I love you Baby, up to the moon and back again." He replied as she smiled. He always said that to Noah.
"I'll do dinner time and homework,"
"Hopefully I make it home for bedtime."
"Call me when you're done with your meeting?" She asked.
"Of course Liv.
Rafael's meeting had not taken as long as he thought it would and was heading home early enough to potentially make it to dinner. Instead of calling his wife he headed straight home.
"Papi," Noah squealed happily at the sound of the door opening to reveal the arrival of his father.
"Hi my love," Rafael greeted as he received Noah in his arms. Olivia came out of the kitchen to greet him with a raised eyebrow as if questioning what happened to her phone call.
"Hi my other love," he said giving her a kiss whilst Noah was still wrapped around his waist.
"Nothing to worry about, I just wanted to get home in time for dinner which is why I didn't call you first." Rafael explained as she nodded.
"I'll tell you details over dinner. Do you need a hand with it?" He asked.
"No, why don't you both wash your hands and we can eat." She replied shaking her head. They had just finished setting the table when they heard his key turn the lock.
"So the Dean invited me to a meeting to offer me the position to be head of the Law department." Olivia broke into a grin and shot out of her chair to wrap her arms around her husband.
"I am so incredibly proud of you Rafael Barba. Is this something you wanted?" She thought to ask pulling back to look at him.
"I never thought about it. I mean I haven't given him an answer. I told him I wanted to talk to my family first. I asked for a position description."
"Of course you did." She replied amused.
"I like the balance we have now. I like teaching. I have no desire to enter Academia politics. I like that I get to be home early enough to do dinner and bedtime. Noh won't be little forever." He added looking at their growing little boy. Olivia dropped a kiss on his head.
"Whatever you decide we're behind you, but I don't ever want you to put your dreams on hold in account of us."
"I get that, and Liv I'm not. I get to live out my dream every day. Getting to come home to the two of you every day. Getting to love and be loved by you both every day. I never imagined getting to ever do that." Rafael explained her gaze, his thumbs caressing her cheek. Olivia nodded tightening the arms around his shoulders. Rafael gently pulled he to sit across his lap and hugging her close pressing his lips to her cheek. Noah stood to his feet and Rafael opened an arm out to him,
"We love you Papi. I'm so glad I get to be your kid."
"And I love you both, very much." Rafael replied with tears in his eyes hugging them both.
Rafael knew it wasn't going to be a good day when he found Ayanna Bell in his office. Immediately concern for his wife was at the forefront of his mind. Sensing his panic Ayanna was quick to assure him,
"I'm not here for Liv. As far as I know she's safe." Relief filled him immediately even if his initial reaction was irrational. If anything happened to Liv someone from her squad would be there so he guessed whatever it was, it was Elliot adjacent.
"What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to run something by you. As a courtesy."
"Of course,"
"I'm about to ask Liv for help. Stabler is out of control. He's been openly taking Angela Wheatley out to infuriate Wheatley and it's working."
"You're wanting her to handle him?"
"Rafael, it's not going to end well if he isn't."
"Ayanna, Liv and I have worked really hard to get back to some semblance of whatever we are. I'm never going to be jumping for joy about these kinds of situations but my wife is her own person. He is her friend. If she wants to help you, it's her decision."
"I just wanted to let you know. I know it wasn't just your wife you spared on that stand that day of the trial." Rafael closed his eyes. He hated having to remember the trial in any capacity.
"Again, we're all just collateral damage in this shit storm Ayanna. I wasn't going to crucify you for that." Ayanna nodded.
"I'm going to see Liv after I leave here." Rafael nodded and braced himself for that conversation.
"I trust her Ayanna. It's him I don't. We've had a shit load to work through since the trial. If she takes this on, she has my support."
"Would you mind chatting to my wife?" Ayanna joked as Rafael laughed,
"Not a fan of Stabler I'm sensing."
"Not at all, however she is a fan of yours after I told her you refused to take him to our house that evening."
"Well whilst I will never vouch for Stabler, I would like to meet your wife. Maybe we can organise dinner the 4 of us one evening."
"That would be great."
Rafael was stuck in classes for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was in crisis and wanting a piece of him. He hadn't had the chance to look at his phone therefore he was surprised that there wasn't a message or a missed call from his wife. He assumed she was tabling that conversation for when they were face to face.
"Hi Papi," Noah greeted cheerfully as he came into the dining room to find him doing his homework while Lucy got dinner started.
"Hi honey," Rafael replied returning Noah's hug.
"Mama called. She's working late." Rafael checked his phone and found her text.
"Hi Rafa. It's crazy here. New case is ugly. I won't be home in time for dinner or bedtime. Ayanna came to see me today and I want to talk to you about it when we can both sit down. I know she came to see you first and she told me what you said but Baby that's not a me decision that's an us decision we will make together when we talk in our time, not his. I am not responsible for the decisions he makes. As concerned as I may be, he doesn't dictate decisions we make together in his timeline." Rafael excused himself to make a call,
"Hi," Olivia answered tiredly.
"Hi Baby,"
"You got my message?"
"Yes my love. I just wanted to check in. We can table the other thing for when you're home. We're good Liv."
"I'm sick of getting pulled into his shit storm Rafa."
"I know Baby, but keep your head in the game. We can address this later. We can handle however which way you want to when we get there."
"I love you,"
"I love you. Do you need anything?"
"I want this to be over so I can come home."
"Soon baby. Keep your head in the game. I'll see you when you get home."
Rafael had asked Lucy to stay predicting that Olivia wouldn't be able to make it home for a little while. After putting Noah to bed he packed up dinner for his wife and headed to the precinct. He found her sitting at her desk with her one hand holding her head up whilst the other was going through pages and pages of information.
"You're the only person who makes stressed out and buried in paperwork look sexy." Olivia looked up to find her husband standing at the threshold of her office. She grinned at the sight of him in his jeans, hoodie, sneakers.
"You couldn't come to dinner so I thought I would bring dinner to you. I know you well enough to know you haven't looked up since you've sat down to go through all of these files."
"You brought my team dinner too didn't you?" She said looking past him as they gathered around Rollin's desk.
"I did. I picked up Pizza for them but I brought you your dinner from home. Luc made it."
"Thank you," she said gratefully as she walked up to him to greet him hello.
"Hi my love," he said wrapping her in his arms and kissing her on the temple. Olivia snuggled deep in his embrace and sighed contently feeling like the load she carried on her shoulder's lift just at having him there.
"You know before you came along I never had a safe space. I never knew I needed a safe space. Having you and knowing I do, I look for you when I feel like I'm drowning." She confessed murmuring into his chest as he tucked her head under his chin.
"I'm not sure if you consider that a good or a bad thing my love."
"A little bit of both really. You taught me to be vulnerable, that it was okay because you would always be there to catch me. It's now instinct to need you."
"If it makes you feel better, that goes both ways. We're in this together Liv, because of that we help carry each other's loads. It's not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength in who we are as a couple and ourselves to recognise that there is a need that needs to be fulfilled and there's a person whom we can entrust that to."
"Trust you to make it sound so poetic."
"I try. Why don't you eat? Take a half hour. You guys are waiting on things right now anyway right?"
"Yeah I was about to send everyone home in an hour if we still don't have anything."
"Well eat up. Did you want to join them?" He asked gesturing to her team as she shook her head taking his hand and leading him to her couch.
"I just want to eat dinner whilst I sit here with you."
"Anything you want Liv,"
"Careful Rafa," she teased as he smiled leaning into him as she brought the Tupperware container with her. Rafael ran his fingers through her hair as she ate, allowing her to eat in silence. Once she was done she placed the Tupperware on the table beside her and resumed her position against him.
"I'm not going to do it Rafa. I'm not going to 'handle' Stabler. It's not my responsibility anymore and we both know he won't listen to me anyway. I am done. With or without you in my life, what we had, what we were to each other was toxic at best. At least as it translate now. My muscle memory, former loyalty and instinct was to always protect him. For he and I to cover each other's backs as always. But Elliot Stabler hasn't had my back since he walked out of my life while he demanded I cover his. That is not friendship. That is not partnership. Rafa, if you and I never spoke to each other again after that day the courthouse there would not be a doubt in my mind that had anything happened to me, to Noah, that you would be on the first flight out. No matter what state our friendship was in. Lewis happened and nothing. He did nothing. Had you reappeared in my life after a decade your first question would be about Noah. How big he would be, how his interest have changed, is he still your partner in crime when it comes to snacking. Did I find happiness? Elliot Stabler has not asked one question about my life now. Even though he knew I had a son. He never asked how old he was, never asked how I got him. To date he thinks you and I had Noah together, and I'm not correcting that because you have been Noah's father from day one. We may have never defined it, but that's who he has always seen you to be. What Elliot and I have right now, that's not a friendship I want to be a part of. Until this is a two way street, we are done."
"Liv, if that's how you feel I am 100% behind you. However, I don't want to be the reason you walk away from a life long friendship. Yes I believe you two need better boundaries, but you don't need to banish him from your life in account of me. I would never ask you to make that choice."
"I know Rafa, but right now we don't have a friendship so until he shows up as one, I am happy to let him self destruct on his own. I don't need him taking us along for the ride. I choose our family." He dropped his lips to her head.
"You know you didn't need to make this life altering decision tonight in the midst of your work chaos."
"I know, but it wasn't a hard decision Rafa. After everything, with the trial with knowing what I know now, being on the other side of it, seeing what I had gambled, seeing how my rose coloured glasses hurt Noah, hurt you to a point where I could have lost you, it wasn't even a choice. My heart is with you. With Noah. With us as a family. If Elliot Stabler wants to be a part of that, he needs to show up and be a friend first. From the moment he walked back into my life I never stopped being his friend regardless how he turned my life upside down without concern for fallout. He demanded nothing less than my full attention from the get go, like he hasn't disappeared from my life for 10 years. He's so wrapped up in himself, in his grief he sees nothing beyond that. Not me and barely his children or his mother. That is not something I want to be a part of. I am no longer that Junior Detective seeking his approval in all things. I haven't been for a very long time and I just needed to remember that." Rafael ran his hands up and down her arm as she lay her forehead against his cheek.
"Thank you for coming. For always knowing when I need you."
"Of course, what are husbands for? Do you want to check on the team? I can wait for you if you're going to send them home anyway. I can drive us home." Olivia nodded, not entirely surprised that he either walked or taken an Uber there to make sure she didn't have to drive home exhausted even if he too had been working all day.
Rafael drove them home a half hour later. He knew she'd be lucky to get a few hours sleep before having to head back into the precinct. As she checked in on Noah he drew her a bath, Olivia smiled as she walked into the bathroom to find him pouring her favourite scent into the bath,
"You're just about my favourite person in the world Barba,"
"Good to hear as you're stuck squabbling with me until we're at least 85." He quipped. Olivia stripped out of her clothes and stepped into the bath as he held out his hand to help her in,
"Join me?" She said with a mischievous smile,
"It wasn't meant to be that kind of a bath," Rafael replied with a smirk,
"Are you saying I can't have both?"
"Not at all, who am I to deny my wife?" He replied quickly stripping out of his clothes to join her. Olivia shuffled forward as he got in behind her before finally leaning with her back against his chest.
"I do love you Benson." He murmured in her ear. Olivia turned her head to look at him,
"Show me," she challenged with a smirk as Rafael caught her lips with his and kissed her deeply until they both struggled for air.
"That's a good start," she replied as she turned to face him placing each leg at either side of him as he pulled her flush against him. Olivia wrapped her arms around his shoulders and nipped at his neck until her lips found his again.
When the bath had ran unbearably cold they drained the tub and jumped into the shower for a quick rinse. Rafael towel dried her off before helping her into her robe and sending her to bed while he cleaned up after them. By the time he had joined her, she was fast asleep. As he slipped into bed she habitually rolled over to his side so he could wrap an arm around her as she snuggled into him.
"Sleep my love," he whispered as he placed a kiss on her forehead. He was admittedly surprised that Olivia was willing to at least temporarily take a step back from Stabler. He meant it when he said he wouldn't get in the way and he would never ask her to give him up, perhaps there was a part of him that was scared if he did, she wouldn't choose him. Whilst they had come leaps and bounds since Christmas, and they were making progress in their couples sessions there was a small part of him that was still working on his fear that one day she will realise it was Stabler all along, regardless how unfathomable it was. He never doubted she loved him, even in the midst of their worst times in the last year, he did wonder though it that was enough. As they worked through their challenges he was getting better at unpacking that. He appreciated how much she put into their sessions, that she was willing to be vulnerable to give them their best chance.
"Baby, go to sleep." She murmured sleepily as she placed a hand on his cheek as if trying to still his thoughts. Rafael placed a chaste kiss on her lips,
"Goodnight honey," he replied tightening his arms around her as she nestled her face into his neck, keeping her hand on his cheek not completely waking.