Day 3: Blood Loss
Growing up as a dhampir the principle that was ingrained was that anyone who let Moroi feed from them was a blood whore. Hearing about the blood whore communes brought up feelings of disgust. Why would a dhampir abandon their duty as a guardian and why would they willingly allow Moroi men (mostly arrogant Royal Moroi) to feed from them? This was my viewpoint for many years.
When Lissa and I were on the run, we did not have a choice. I had to feed her. If I didn't, she would not have survived. We didn't have access to feeders, and I didn't want her to use her compulsion any more than necessary. I convinced her to feed from me every couple of days to keep her strength up and to allow myself to have time to recoup from the bite. Every time Lissa would feed, I would see the hungry expression on her face…. she would lean closer to me, and I would feel my heart take off. My heart would race with anticipation and fear. When Lissa's fangs would pierce my skin everything else in the world fell away. A warm sensation flooded my body and I felt weightless. Lissa was right. The bitee did get some benefits out of this situation. The endorphins would cloud my judgment temporarily and it never felt like it lasted long enough.
The night Dimitri brought us back to St. Vlad's was the last night that I had to feed Lissa. We returned to the Academy and Lissa didn't need for me to provide for her in that way. Our relationship went back to our traditional best friendship and me training night and day to become her guardian. There were moments that I slipped into thinking about the bites, but for the most part, I was able to keep my mind from them. That was until Jesse's torments. I had decided that I wanted to have a break from reality, and I had thought that Jesse would be the perfect distraction. Being able to be with Jesse was easier than acknowledging my crush that I had on my mentor. Jesse wasn't the greatest kisser, but he was distracting until he lingered too long on my neck. I couldn't help the gasp that released when I felt his fangs scrap against my skin. It didn't take much for Jesse to figure out that I had been Lissa's personal feeder when we were away. Jesse spread the knowledge across the campus, and I was the one that had to deal with it. It wasn't an embarrassing situation for Lissa. Feeding was something to be expected from her. She needed it for survival, but for me to be the one providing it… the blood whore label quickly stuck. I made a vow to myself that I was going to kick my addictive thoughts and I wasn't going to willingly let anyone feed from me. I was successful with this until faced with Christian's imminent death and I offered myself over to Lissa to save him.
My next encounter with biting was with Dimitri. I had been kidnapped against my will and locked in Galina's enormous estate. Dimitri was persistent. Constantly talking about the "benefits" of being awakened, how we could be together with nothing or nobody holding us back, truly having freedom to be with each other. He would kiss me and taunt me with reminders of our first time being intimate in the cabin. I would turn him down. One day he made his move and started kissing me. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't find that rational part of myself to break away. His cold hands roamed across my body and those touches left my body on fire. Fire and ice. His hand found its way into my hair and tilted my head back as he made a trial of kisses down my neck. I was already yearning for him, and, without warning, I felt his fangs sharply bite. I had once thought that Lissa's bite was one of the best experiences in the world, but it was nothing compared to a Strigoi bite. I felt warmth, love… I floated higher than I ever had before. My existence then became with Dimitri or without Dimitri, wanting for the next time he would grace me with his presence and want to drink. I was jealous when he wasn't with me and when I knew that he had drank from another.
My dream encounter with Adrian is what woke me from my existence. I was able to see myself in the mirror, my neck scattered with bite marks and bruises of varying ages. I looked the true image of a blood whore. Dimitri had blamed me and called me weak after the incident with Nathan. He just wanted me to become an ally. He didn't love me. Didn't want me to be around because he truly cared. That part of him died when he was turned. I realized after that that I was addicted. Just like a heroin addict. I refused Dimitri access to bite me, and I went cold turkey. I would have risked my life for that next bite during my detox. Granted, any time I was bit by Dimitri was risking my life. I needed clarity and needed a way to form my escape.
After I was able to escape Dimitri and thought that I had finally freed him from his monstrous existence, I made my way back to St. Vlad's and I gave Adrian the chance for the relationship that I had promised him before leaving for Russia. Our relationship was good, complicated by the fact that Dimitri was in fact still "alive", and I focused on trying to find a way to save him. Dimitri was able to have his return as a dhampir and I was trying to focus on Adrian. I loved Adrian in my own way. One night we had allowed things to escalate, and it came the moment to fully give myself to Adrian. I couldn't bear the thought of having sex with anyone other than Dimitri before. I was still hurt after experiencing the rejection from when Dimitri was restored, and he denied all feelings for me. I licked my wounds and distracted myself with Adrian. I was the one who escalated things. I tugged on his shirt, and he responded by taking my clothes off. His lips found their way against my throat. In that one moment, I wanted to have sex. Was it love for Adrian, was it lust, was it wanting to feel something after the numbness of being rejected by Dimitri? We would have completed our hasty desire had he had a condom. Adrian tried to be very convincing. He was willing to take the risk. I wasn't. An idea formed in my head, and I tossed my hair and tilted my neck toward Adrian before he was able to process what was happening. Adrian's fangs pierced my skin and I floated in the exquisite ecstasy of endorphins. When clarity later rang through, I couldn't help but focus on the fact that I had allowed this to happen due to the grief and confusion I felt, not out of love for Adrian.
Going through these experiences made me have a greater understanding of what the women in these positions felt. Some of mine had been willing and some were forced. It left a lasting impact on my life, one that I had to keep in check.