Hello, my dear friend.
You don't know me, not at all. But I know you. Very well, I do. After all, I made you. You're not real. You're only in my head. But that does not make you any less real for me. I guess you're what I need the most right now. A way to cope with things. The past eleven years have been pretty fucking far from ok. But I'm getting way too ahead of things, aren't I? Let me tell you my story.
It all starts on that day, back in 845.
I'm an only child. My surname comes from my father- he's a very influential man. Not exactly the legally influential kind, mind you, but the Garrison and the MP mostly kept a blind eye towards him. After all, he was employing people and he wasn't exactly killing anyone, so who cares? Stohess is a dirty place when you look under the rug, that's for sure. No amount of swiping will clean it. The higher ups only care about getting paid and skipping their duties. They're assholes. That's why I call them Parasites. But once more, I'm getting way too ahead of things. Let me focus. I need to focus.
My father, Tom, built up his business over the past twenty years. His hard work paid off, as we had been living in the rich part of the district since I was three. Father used to be pretty decent. He wasn't the best, but he was there. Mom was something else, though.
We were very close, but somehow, I didn't know shit about her. Yeah, really. Something was always... off about her, but I never thought about it, honestly. It was just... how she was. That's what was on my mind all of the time. 'She had a hard upbringing', father told me one time as he tried to explain to me why she was so weird sometimes. Apparently my grandfather was a real piece of shit. My grandmother just left one day and never came back, leaving mom to him. But I think that's bullshit. I think she was killed by him. But it doesn't matter. He got what he fucking deserved. My father saved her. But that's a story for another day. You'll get to know more as we chat, alright? Trust me.
I was nineteen back then. Father had left us a few days before, 'business trip' he said. He and his... 'associates' were expanding to the south, so he went to Shiganshina to set things straight. I never cared about his business. He never told me about it, and I never asked about it. I was too busy being me. It was about three in the morning when our door was almost knocked down by him. The noise was so loud I could hear it from my room as if it had happened inside of it. I jumped out of my bed as father was screaming, calling for me and mom. My heart started to race to the point I was about to faint. As I got out of my bedroom, I saw mom running through the corridor, rushing towards the noise as she met my father. He hugged her and looked right at me, mom asking him what the hell was wrong without stop as he just froze.
"Dad, what the hell?!", I asked him loudly, deeply in shock as I could feel my legs shaking from the scare. I was gripping my umbrella so bad that my hands hurt, but I couldn't relax. I had picked it up during my panicking and it was supposed to be a defense weapon. He remained frozen with an expression I could never forget. He looked like wounded prey, his eyes empty. He remained silent for a few seconds before opening his mouth and finally saying something.
"They... they broke the fucking Walls. They're in!"
Mom just raised her head and looked deeply into his eyes with an expression that said it all before she even opened her mouth.
"WHAT?!", she yelled before pushing dad away. His stare switched to her.
"We were near the outskirts of the city when it happened! This huge fucking titan, taller than Wall Maria itself just appeared out of thin air and kicked the gate open! Titans started swarming! They fucking killed Terry and Mikhail!"
"Uncle Terry... is dead?"
My words trembled as they lept out of my mouth in near silence. Terry wasn't my uncle, but I called him that. He was a great friend of my parents and one of my father's 'associates'. He used to be a Parasite before he was expelled from the Corps for misconduct. His superiors were equally incompetent, but they had to put on a show that day. The Rocky Fall was kinda crazy around Stohess. Either way, I deeply loved Uncle Terry. I fell on my knees as dread consumed my entire body. I covered my mouth with my hands and a tear came out of my eyes.
"This... this isn't happening...", I started to mutter to myself. Mom started sobbing as she hugged father, who eventually broke down too as the adrenaline died off in his system. From what he would later tell us, Uncle Terry was eaten by a titan while Mikhail was crushed by debris. What father would call an 'Armored Demon' broke the inner gates, and he saw large chunks of it crush Mikhail and a couple nearby, almost killing a kid. I couldn't believe it. They finally got in.
"What do we do now?", mom asked him in-between hiccups. She always started to hiccup when she cried. "Are we safe in here?"
"Y-yes, we are", father replied. That was a lie. He was a horrible liar. I could hear it in his voice. I was way too familiar with that. But even if it was a lie, I guess it brought us some kind of comfort. Yeah, hundreds of thousands of people were going to die, but we were gonna be alright in rich fuck heaven, right? Yippie ki yay!
For the following days, things felt pretty intense inside Stohess. Yeah, we were behind Wall Rose and the titans would need to go through Trost and/or Karanese, first, but that didn't save us from fear. We had an influx of refugees- some of the rich people from Wall Maria came directly for us and Orvud up north. On the other hand, you had people from Karanese that just straight up left their district as they feared they would be next. Stohess thankfully never got overcrowded, as the Parasites and the Royal Government did good enough keeping the order, but I can't say it didn't affect us.
Back then, I was enrolled in higher education. I had my own personal struggles, but anxiety reached an all time high. I don't know, but the thought of the Walls no longer being a definitive obstacle for them just killed me from the inside. So much so that I started to have issues with my classes. I used to study economics. Father wanted me to take over the business. Did I want to? Not at all. But I really didn't have any choice, and I hated it more than anything else in the world. When it started going downhill, he didn't really get mad at me. He was clearly traumatized. It'd take months until I saw father become 'normal' again.
Shit, I forgot to tell you about me, haven't I? I'm sorry. I'm so out of focus today. I need to focus.
Hello, my dear friend. I'm Alice. Alice van der Berg. I was born in 826, daughter of Tom van der Berg & Monique Smith. Thanks to my upbringing, some would say I had it easy. And they're not fully wrong- I grew up among the Elite of Stohess, a group of rich bastards and their spoiled children. However, life back home wasn't exactly the best. I was always a more 'delicate' child, if you know what I mean. I was close to mom, as I told you before, but she was very unstable. Sometimes she'd randomly snap, or act in a very cold manner or just, I don't know, treat me like a stray dog. Still, she remained my best friend until her passing. Father would try his best, and he succeeded to some extent, but he wasn't exactly a good role model. He smoked and drank a lot, and he'd often get in trouble with mom because of some 'dancers'. He'd take me hunting for sport multiple times even when I was just a little kid, and mom also hated that. I don't think I can blame her about it.
Father had a very cool mustache. I always liked it. It somehow fit his taller frame and the top hat he would always carry around. I inherited my mom's traits- I'm blonde, average height and I have some distinct eyebrows. She always said they weren't as pronounced as her cousin's side of the family, so I can only imagine how they look like. I never personally met them, but I knew I had family in the Scouts. They're an insane bunch if you ask me. You gotta be to fight the titans, right? There's something to admire in that, though, no matter what. I would never get near an enlistment post, but good luck for them.
For the following five years after that day, things would slowly go back to 'normal'. Father would become different, more distant at times, but he kept his cool. You'd occasionally forget that, you know, titans were within the Walls. But often the weird feeling would show up and haunt us. Or maybe just me. I don't know, it could have all been in my head. People looked alright enough. In fact, that always bothered me so much. I always assumed I wasn't the only one feeling bad about the whole thing. I couldn't be, right? I mean, look at this! The government sent two hundred THOUSAND people to their deaths in an attempt to 'reclaim' Wall Maria, and no one seemed to care! I fucking hate those people! I hate them with every single fiber of my being. They're the absolute worst kind. Too obnoxious, too egoist. Too self-centered.
My grades went really downhill. So down, in fact, that I ended up failing a year and the University of Stohess threatened to expell me. I think the only reason they didn't was because of how much money father invested in my education. I doubt they'd refuse the opportunity to have an extra year of our delicious fortune fed to them. By the end of 849, I was done and I had my hands on my miserable degree. 'Now what?', I asked my father, expecting the next step in this journey I didn't want to be a part of. He never answered. That day, we heard news that the gate in Trost had been breached.
It was happening again, and it was closer to home this time.
Tensions rised up as the Parasites got ready for an influx of refugees. In order to avoid more deaths, citizens from Karanese and the nearby villages were being evacuated in advance. They were on standby for the news of whether they'd be going back home or they'd officially become refugees. I'll tell you something: if Wall Rose fell, it would be complete anarchy. There's no way in hell we would survive. Father had money and power, but even he wouldn't be able to get us inside Wall Sina. We'd be left to rot within the chaos.
I accompanied father through the crowded streets of the district. The newspaper stands were quickly making bank on it. It had only been a few hours! Father got one and we sat at a bench near the river. We could see some boats being unloaded of their cargo so they could be used as aid down south. I remember father was desperately trying to smoke. His hands were shaking as he tried to light up his match.
"Father?", I asked him, not getting any reply. I insisted. "Father? Father? TOM!?"
After I screamed, he let out his match fall on his lap, resting on top of the recently-bought newspaper. "Please, you're making me even more anxious", I said to him as he kept his stare forward into the water. It's funny. When it came to men (and specially women), father was a predator. But when it came to the titans, he became a scared cat. He became a whole different person. He was a complete coward, but I guess it's hard not to be one. Specially after witnessing their destruction first hand.
"I-I'm sorry, Alice", he said as he picked his match again and once more tried to light it up, being successfull this time. I grabbed the newspaper and started reading it to him as he lit up his pipe. We needed some more information. We had no clue about the situation.
"'Trost's outer gate has been breached by the illusive Colossal Titan'...", I started reading as my heart began to beat faster and faster. Father was just smoking and listening. "'Reports state that the Garrison quickly mobilized alongside trainees from the Cadet Corps. The vanguard is holding back titan advance as a plan to evacuate and protect the outer gate is to be put in action. The newest defenses developed over the past five years have proven to be of significant aid to humanity as the Engineer Corps of the Parasites is preparing a way to close the hole'."
"Do you think that is actually going to work?", father asked me rather quickly after I finished reading the paragraph. I looked at him, having the same doubt myself. "I don't know", I replied. I really did not. "But we were prepared for something like this, right? I mean, the last five years weren't for nothing... right?"
"They weren't", he replied as he looked at the Wall surrounding our district. A series of cannons and elevators had been installed on them over the past few years, and it seemed like the Parasites were being less useless than usual. He took a deep breath and suddenly stood up. "We shouldn't worry. Everything's gonna be alright."
I kept looking at him for a moment before folding the newspaper and also standing up. He positioned his arm so I would grab it and we'd walk together as we used to when I was younger.
"Where is your mother? We should find her and have some dinner out tonight. Find a way to distract ourselves, you know? It's going to be good."
"Oh, uh...", I tried to remember where she was. "I think she's with Daniel today. They shouldn't be far."
"They have been spending quite a lot of time together recently, haven't they?", father asked. It was a dumb question.
"What, you're jealous?", I mockingly asked him, making him utter a quick laugh filled with despair. "Besides, it's not like Daniel is your friend Monika."
Father had a look of anger, but he couldn't be angry at me. He knew I was right. It'd be way too hypocritical of him, and he hated hypocrites. That's something I inherited from him, even if I didn't follow it to a tee. We left and eventually found mother in a nearby park. We all went back home to get ourselves ready. A few hours later, as we left for dinner, news reached us once again- the struggle for Trost was over, and for the first time, humanity actually did win something! We were ecstatic. We'd have to wait until the next day for more details, but dinner never tasted as good as that night. We enjoyed ourselves way too much, with all of us drinking way too much, too. It was a miracle we made it back home in one piece.
The next day, news were much clearer about what happened. We couldn't believe it. From what was told, a human transformed into a titan- an ally titan! He closed the hole in Trost by carrying a massive boulder. We were all in shock. A human becoming a titan? How was that possible? What did it mean? I had no clue. But I can tell you what mom thought- she thought it was time to get more in contact with our 'religious spirits'. Me and father shared the same thought (it was bullshit). But we didn't stop her. After all, she was free to do whatever she wanted, and hey, if she was happy with it, who were we to blame? Every sunday she would go to our local Order of the Walls church. She became much more stable for the following couple of months, which was welcome. For a while, things seemed very optimistic in general.
We had news about the so called 'ally titan' every now and then. People were calling him the Rogue Titan, which seemed like a cool name, I guess. Of course, most of the information was classified, but we knew he was staying with the Scouts. He was under direct command of Commander Erwin Smith. The name sounded familiar.
"Hey, that's little Erwie!", mom said as father was reading the newspaper one day. We were sitting in our table, having breakfast.
"Who?", I replied, curious.
"Little Erwie. He's our cousin! Younger than me. I knew he joined the military, but I had no clue he was actually Commander of the Scouts!"
"He's a fucking hero if you ask me", father replied with some pride in his voice. Mother berated him for his foul language (something she'd do often with both of us), but he just ignored her. He went on. "The Scouts are heroes. They're the only ones that are actually doing something about those demons. Humanity has a bright future because of them, and I'm glad to say I'm married to Commander Erwin Smith's cousin", father's face had a huge smile on it. He looked happy, and it was hilarious, but adorable. He almost made it sound like he was a good husband.
"Speaking of which", he continued. "Apparently there's an expedition coming up tomorrow. They're gathering supplies for the Corps and they'll be leaving from Karanese!"
Father sounded very excited, once more very childlike. He suggested we go see them leave, which I thought sounded like fun. I had never met cousin Erwin, although I had heard about him once or twice in the past. I didn't expect for us to meet, but it could be fun to see him from afar. I agreed, much to father's content.
"Yeah, sure, why not?", I said as I stood up and got my plate. I had some plans to meet a friend for lunch and I didn't want to be late. After all, I had a lot of things to do that day. And by 'a lot', I mean mostly shopping for furniture. Don't judge me. Wasting money is better than becoming a drunk or a smoker. Besides, we had been planning on having lunch together for ages. We eventually settled for that day because it was the only time available for both of us.
After a morning of shopping, I eventually went to meet up with my friend. However, she wasn't there. I don't know what happened, as I never really had the chance to ask her, but she just didn't show up. I waited for ages, sitting on a bench as the boredom filled my soul. I looked up at the sun, my black dress heating up as I slowly closed my eyes, being lost in my thoughts for a few moments.
"Can I sit here?"
A voice suddenly came up, unexpected. I opened up my eyes and looked to my left, a short, blonde girl standing still with a sandwhich on her hand. She was wearing a military uniform, and soon enough I noticed she was one with the Parasites. She looked younger than me.
"Uhhh... sure, sit", I replied to her as I slid myself a bit to the side. She sat after a quick, almost whispering 'thanks', and she bit her sandwhich as she seemed lost in her thoughts. For a moment, I imagined that must have been how I was looking like. She seemed bothered with something, and it was bothering me, for some reason.
"What's the matter?", I asked her as she slowly turned her head towards me. "You seem annoyed."
She was silent for a few seconds before replying. "Not annoyed", she said. "Just struggling with something."
"Are you allowed to share?", I asked. She looked at me before shrugging off. "I guess so", she said.
She explained to me she was working on a missing person case. A girl had disappeared and she was tasked with finding her. Her description sounded very familiar.
"Wait", I interrupted her, catching her attention as she raised her eyebrows. "Would that girl happen to be named Carly? Carly Stratmann?"
"Yeah", she replied. "Do you know her?"
"She's my friend!", I replied. "I was actually sitting here because I was waiting for her to show up. A few weeks ago, we scheduled lunch together for today. However, I haven't heard from her in a while."
I felt slightly panicked. "Is she ok?", I asked her.
"I don't know. I'm still not exactly sure as I haven't really learned much. I have more questions than answers."
"And... what's your next step?"
"Has Carly ever told you about one Kemper Boltz?"
I knew that name.
"Yeah. He is Carly's boyfriend. A pretty shitty guy, honestly. They have been dating for a while and I always told her it wasn't a good idea. It's not like she ever listened to me, though. I can tell you what I know about him."
After what felt like ages, I had told her everything I knew about Kemper and Carly. I hoped it would be good enough to aid. The girl suddenly stood up after finishing her food and thanked me before leaving. I remained there, an odd feeling in my head as I thought about what may have happened with Carly. I hoped for the best, that girl looking like she was competent enough to be able to get results. Part of me was more annoyed than worried, though. 'Seems like my plans for today are ruined', I thought to myself. I headed back home and spent the day reading as I waited for the next day, where me and father would go to Karanese.
We'd be watching the 57th Exterior Scouting Mission from up close as they left.