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—Meredith—
My mom, my mom took me here in Boston when I was five. It's the time where my dad left us or maybe it's the other way around. My mom, yeah, definitely my mom, she took me to Boston and I never see my dad ever again for 25 years and counting.
I flew to Seattle once I was done studying for medical school, to take my mom in Roseridge. Boston, I was terrified to go here, it reminded me a lot of what have been my childhood was, nannies, nurses, interns passing me around to look after me while my mom is in surgery. I was afraid going here and raise my daughter.
But maybe, maybe this place wasn't that bad after all. It taught me all the lessons, it taught me not to become like how my mom raised me. Maybe this place would be a reminder that I can do better. That the apple will not just fall far from the tree but roll away from it farther.
I looked at Rafa who's peacefully nursing, she looks like a good mix of both me and Derek. With his great dark curly hair, my eyes, my nose and lips, his chin, definitely his arch feet, and our stubbornness and his love for cars that our daughter inherited from his gene pool and being adventurous even at 6 months.
"Hey baby, you and mommy will both go out for today. And I had a feeling you won't like it very much, well, mommy won't like it too," I tap at her nose jokingly and she scrunched it the way I do and I smiled warmly. "Yes, I won't like it. You'll get your six month shot today, and you'll be in pain and mommy will be in pain too." I hug her closer to my chest and snuggled with her blanket.
She unlatched and babbled at me, like she's talking to me and giving her in sights about her getting a shots today. "Yeah, it's pretty painful," I played along.
I get my phone in the nightstand and shuffled through my records, "why don't we both listen to Daddy's voice? Hm? Pretty girl?" I click a random voicemail of Derek which I saved and his voice filled the room.
"Hey mer, you're probably awake by now. Sorry I didn't get to say goodbye this morning, I got pulled out for an emergency surgery. You should've seen it, it's a huge aneurysm. Thought I won't be able to clip it but actually, that guy's lucky he still lived. I actually just got out of his room to deliver some good new to his kids, by the way, his kids are cute, not just cute us ours but cute." There's a long pause and I heard some cursed which quickly dissolved to the hustle bustle of hospital behind him.
I look at Rafa who have a full-fledged McDreamy smile on her face while still sucking on my nipple. "Should'nt say that, I know you're probably freaking out right now but mer, we're still far from that so you can stop now. Anyway, I left a french toast in your room, it's on the table. You should eat, grilled cheese and cold pizza aren't breakfast and I can't force you to eat my muesli and salad which are pretty good actually and worth a shot." Rafa unlatched, I reached for a wipes and wipe my nipple and Rafa before managing to fixed my shirt and propping Rafa on my shoulder to burp her.
"Okay, I heard this song somewhere and it didn't leave my mind since then," Derek sighed, "—You are the one who makes me happy when everything else turns grey. Yours is the voice that wakes me mornings and sends me out into the day. You are the crowd that sits quiet listening to me and all the mad sense that I make—" Derek, derek voice is soothing and gentle.
I wiped the tears the fall on my cheek and continued burping rafa while I put my phone in the nightstand, Derek's voice still playing.
Rafa let out a tiny burp and I turned my head to kiss her cheeks, "good girl," I fixed Rafa's place on top of my chest once she was done burping, her cheeks making my breast as her cushion and she was sprawled out on top of me.
"Why don't we listen to Daddy's voice for a while and call him? It will probably end up in voicemail again, but still worth a try, right? Maybe someday he'll listen to it," I says to rafa who looked up to me and give my chin a slobbery kiss. "Okay, good. I'm thankful you're on board with it." I laugh and crouched to kiss the crown of her head and laid back in bed, Derek's voice as our background.
•••
"Rafi Shepherd," I stand up with rafa snuggle in baby wrap and enter the exam room, she's quietly taking on her surroundings with a thumb on its mouth.
"Well, hello there sweet Rafi, you look so big!" The nurse quickly reached for her once I take her out of the wrap. Her lower lip quivered and his big green eyes looks at me.
"Oh, okay. I'll give you back to mommy now," she hand me rafa back and the baby quickly snuggle on my chest.
They call her Rafi, but I call her Rafa. She's always been rafa ever since she's still looks like a little blueberry in my womb. Rafi, rafi from her name.
"I'll be back, I'll just go get the vials and if you please, uh, leave her only on her diaper even though she looks so cute in that outfit!" I giggled and chimed in my thank you before nurse Aileen leave the room.
"Well, you heard nurse Aileen. Let's go take your beautiful romper out and this pantyhose I should've not put you into." I shimmied the pantyhose out of her and I laugh when she looks at me confused.
I also take her coat out and put it on top of her diaper bag before removing her romper in which she clearly protest. " I know baby girl, I l know you look pretty in your dress but it needs to be removed." I kissed her tiny forehead before lifting her up and snuggled her in her blanket to protect from the cold room. "Mommy will put it back later, I promise." I bounce on my feet to get her to top from crying. I wipe a tear that escape from my eyes as I heard her cry of protest.
"Shh, I'm sorry baby girl, we'll fly to Seattle later to visit your brother then stay at Daddy's trailer, how's that sound?" I asked, still bouncing on my heels. Her crying ceased minutes later and I sat on the couch, she curled up on my chest and I get her bottle of water. She quickly takes a sip before pushing it away.
Nurse Aileen returned after a few minutes carrying a bin and vials, I gulp and pulled Rafa close to me.
"Well, like I say Dr. Grey, this will be a lot painful to parents than it is to the baby. Babies tend to forget it afterwards but the parents won't," she explained and smiled sympathetically at me. I smiled slightly at her too, "don't worry I'll be fast and Rafi won't be fine. Won't you pretty girl?" She cooed to rafa whom I turned to sit on my lap, her head and back leaning on my chest.
The baby babbled back at her earning a smile from Nurse Aileen. "okay then, let's take a look at your head circumference first then your length followed by your weight." She gestured the table. "Is she still having an episode of asthma?"
I stand up and let rafa sit on the table where there's a weighing scale for baby. I supported her back and head as she still on the practice of sitting by herself. "Sometimes when she's too upset and her crying escalated when I know will happened today and I bought her portable nebulizer." I answered.
She get the instrument to measure Rafa's head circumference and right it on the chart. "17 inches in circumference, just right on track." I mentally noted it on my mind, taking note in writing it on her scrapbook. "Just lay her on this and we'll take a good look at how long this pretty girl is," she tickled Rafa's belly and the baby let out a tiny giggle.
I lay Rafa in the table while she get her length then weight, my forefinger wrappes tightly around by her chubby little hands. I smiled at Rafa and can't help but to think about Derek.
This is his dream, he was cut out for this a long time ago and I'm just... I'm just sad he's not here to be in Rafa's life. If only he will listen to my voicemail he would know.
"Rotavirus is just a drop, and I know you know the drill. So I just go for the rotavirus first before all the cries," she smiled at me again and get the dropper. She tap it on Rafa's cheeks and the baby followed the thing nurse Aileen were holding by her eyes. "Hey, Rafi, this will be yummy," she cooed and quickly put it in the baby inside cheeks.
I laughed and looked at the camera I placed when we entered this room. I was filming Rafa's milestone and almost everyday life for Derek to watch. Rafa knotted her eyebrows and look at me in which I smiled widely hoping she'll mirror it and she really do. Smacking her lips together and swallowing the syrup.
I leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Thank you for taking your medicine like champ baby girl, I love you."
"Okay, the easy part is over. Now for the hard part, you can carry her Dr. Grey and if you can hold her chubby legs," the nurse laugh nervously and I nodded, carrying Rafa and sitting her on my arms. "I'll do two in one thigh and another two on another thigh. Hib and DTap then her first shot for Influenza then PV13, I know it's too many that's why I leave IPV, Hep-A and Hep-B which she can get whatever date you prefer just don't let it slip past the 18 month mark." I gulp and nod. Thankful she didn't give that shot right now or I'll go crazy just thinking about all those shots.
Rafa tilted her head back to look at me and I smiled at her, "it'll be okay baby girl, mommy's got you." I whispered to her curls and give it a kiss.
Like nurse Aileen say, she'll do it fast as she can and once she were done Rafa is screaming at the top of her lungs. I wiped a tear that once again escaped my eyes. I hate when she's in any pain, I carry her for almost 9 months and seeing her in pain also pains me.
"I'll leave you the room as long as you need it, bye pretty girl. I'm sorry but I needed to do it for you," she caresses her tear strained wet cheeks and Rafa just cried more, getting red from the crying and pain. "If in case she got sick, Tylenol would do he magic." She says before exiting he room. Rafa still cries and all here limbs are moving frantically, kicking and punching the air.
I cradled Rafa in my arms and rock back and forth. I managed to get her nebulizer I packed and put it in her mouth, she then buried her face on my chest to hide from he nebulizer mask.
"Oh no, no, baby you need this, see? Pretty good right," she continued wailing and I sat on the couch again, cradling her. I managed to put her nebulizer on her mouth and nose once she stopped crying and her eyelids flutter closed, tiny sobs can still be heard.
I moved slightly and put the blanket down on her to cover her whole body and get her diaper bag and swung over my shoulder, still holding her nebulizer in place and cradling her we got out of the room.
•••
Sitting on the backseat of my sedan which still can be used up until now, I brought this when I was in med school and leave it here on boston. Rafa's hand were resting on top of my breast while she was busy nursing, all the pain of shots are forgotten.
"Why don't we call Daddy now and tell her your day and our plan?" I ask her and her eyes quickly lightened at the mentioned of daddy. I smoothed her curls and chuckled. "You really are a Daddy's girl. Will your first word be Daddy?" I joked and she smiled.
She babbled and I quickly took out my phone and dialed Derek's number which really end up in voice mail again. "Hey Derek, it's me Meredith. I know this is in voicemail again but I'm really hoping you pick up soon. Rafa wants to meet you badly and I admit, I do too." I sighed. I miss him, hell, I love him even if it hurts. I love him even though he didn't pick me and choose me twice. And, I love him even more for giving me Rafa.
Rafa babbled at me and I let her sit on my lap and snaps my nursing bra close and fixing my shirt. "Someone wants to talk to you," I chuckled and put the phone near Rafa's mouth who quickly babbled nonstop. I laugh and listened to her little babble over the phone. Once she was done her eyelids once again flutter closed and rest her head on my chest.
"Hey, it's me again. Rafa falls asleep. She really wants to see you Derek, even though you still didn't meet her she already loves and misses you and she's a Daddy's girl, I can tell. Her eyes have this beautiful sparkle everytime I mentioned Daddy and when I let her see your pictures. She got a pretty rough day today, it's her six month shot, rotavirus which are syrup and 4 shots on her chubby thighs. She's pretty near on sitting by herself and sooner we will get to try her first food, hopefully she won't be fan of muesli." I chuckled and looked at Rafa again. Sleeping soundly on my chest.
"Her hair is having more curls which I noticed every after her bath time. You'll love her Derek, she looks like you with head full of great hair and her voice is sweet and tiny. She's a good girl. And we're actually flying to Seattle to visit her brother, sky. You know him right Derek?" I sighed and wiped a tear. "Of course, you'll know him, I told you about him which end up in voicemail too. So, yeah, we're going to Seattle and will stay at your trailer again, hopefully none of my friends saw me today." I look at my watch and sighed, time to go in the airport to catch our flights. "Anyway, gotta hang up now, need to catch our flight. Bye Derek." I hang up the phone and out Rafa on her car seat.
I kissed her forhead and whispered sweet words over her ear. "I love you through and through, yesterday, today, and tomorrow too."
•••
Our flight to Seattle were smooth, no metldown, no cries, she likes planes actually. I just read her books which are Pat The Bunny and I Love You Through and Through. Let her watch her favorite cartoon, Cars.
Rafa and her love for cars and she got prettg good amount of Cars toys, her ride ons and her push car which pretty take my salary away. I swear, she might look like me sometimes but she's all Derek.
I pulled over the trailer which fills now of mine and Rafa's things, pictures, toys, crib and a little bit of Derek's clothes he left. We've been visiting Seattle one week a month every since I was pregnant with Rafa.
It's just, Cristina and the guys didn't know about Rafa and don't know where I was. Soon, soon I'll face them. Just, not now. I'm still not ready.
Rafa squealed in delight once she saw the trailer and clap her hands, her legs kicking in excitement and look up at me and smiled. "Okay baby girl, we're here."
I entered the trailed and put our things down. I sit Rafa on her the playmat and out some toys in it. She wiggled her tiny bottom and laughed. My eyes widened when she's practically sitting by herself!
"Rafa! You're sitting by yourself!" I pick her up and showered her with kisses. She squealed again and wiggle out of me to play. "Okay then, but I'm still putting your boppy seat around you in case you tripped yourself." She didn't mind though and continued playing with her soft blocks and cars.
I puréed some sweet potato for her to eat and smiled at her, it's good actually that the trailer is small and I can look for Rafa freely while doing some task.
"It's a big day for you pretty girl, sitting by yourself and solid foods." I says and chuckled. I get the camera and set it up and hit the record button before continuing what I was doing.
Once I'm done I arranged her high chair and buckled her in. "Okay penguin, time for your snacks." Penguin, I call her penguin since she loved watching happy feet and she's cute too like a penguin.
He smacked her chubby hands at the table when I put her bib on. I pulled a chair and sat in front of her. "Isn't this yummy?"
I scooped a little amount on her spoon, "okay, open up for the airplane," I say excitedly and she followed the spoon with her eyes and opened her mouth.
She smacked her lips and rubbed the puréed sweet potato on her gums before swallowing eat. "See? Taste sweet right?" I asked and wiped some sweet potato around her lips and looked at the spoon again, "oh, you like it? Okay then," I scooped again and again until she was done and finished the puréed sweet potato all by herself.
I laughed and put the now empty baby bowl on the sink and unbuckle her to carry her. "Full belly of sweet potatoes and milk, you're one good eater." I chuckled
•••
Swaddled in her blanket we tracked down to the lake where I buried sky, our supposed to be first baby. He got no heartbeat, leaving me nothing but a DC.
We arrived beside the lake where Derek always fished in the morning, near it is a stone with sky's name written on it.
I can't help but to have a flashback of what have happened 2 years ago as I look at sky's name.
Skylar Derek Grey-Shepherd
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This is an AU. I didn't own Grey's Anatomy. RR
Sage ;)