Chapter 1
—Meredith—
[Flashback]
I clamp my hand on my mouth before removing the duvet around me and rush to the bathroom floor.
I've been vomiting this past few days, I first I suspect food poisoning then stomach bug. But another than vomiting early on the morning and being picky on some food, no symptoms for stomach bug.
"I can't be pregnant, I can't," I murmured and leaned at the bathtub, no roommates for today, Derek is on call and it's my day-off. What if I'm pregnant? Oh, crap, then I'll be a pregnant intern.
I got up after sitting on the tiled floor for good 30 minutes and proceeded to take a bath. Grocery then pharmacy, no one should know. Even Cristina, she's my person but she can't get to know, no one will know.
Well, except for Derek. Yeah, Derek. We'll have dinner next week, it's good, I'll tell him if it's positive.
I look at my lower abdomen and it's definitely rounder and my boobs are swollen and sensitive. All I need is a stick to confirm it.
I smoothed my fingers at my lower abdomen, now it's more than just a uterus. A possible tiny human we're resting in there.
What if I'll be a bad mother? Would I be like my mom? I'll be a horrible mother, I can't be a horrible mother. Nannies, what if my baby would be raise by nannies? And interns? My kid would hate me. I'm sure my kid will hate me.
I cursed under my breath and starts breathing evenly. I couldn't freak out, not now. Maybe later but not now. I can't.
•••
I sat at the toiled lid, waiting for the stick to reveal its readings. It's been the longest 5 minutes of my life and I slowly look at the stick I was holding.
Blue, positive. I sob, there's... there's a baby growing inside me. I wipe my tears and stand up to put the stick on my bag. It'll be a memory, my precious little miracle.
I won't be like my mother, I'll be like me. I rolled my shirt just below my boobs, I look at the mirror and put a hand on my lower abdomen.
There's no bump yet but it looks rounder and fuller. I get my camera to take a picture. I'll show this to Derek once I reveal the news to him.
He'll probably be happy and over the moon. He really wants to be a dad and he is cut out to be. He'll be a great dad and I'll be a great mom, like how I want my mom to be but unfortunately she didn't. She didn't get to be the mom I wanted.
I wiped another tear and sat at the edge of the bed.
"Hey there," I whispered at my in-utero baby, "you're probably wondering who am I or you know me, I'm your mommy little one. I'm freaking out actually but I love you already, just hang in there alright? I'll tell your daddy soon, he'll love you and I already love you little one. Just grow there or whatever while mommy try to figure things out." I whispered.
I arrange a consult at Mercy West tomorrow for my ultrasound and all that test.
•••
I lay there at the table, alone. No Derek, no Cristina. Just me and my in-utero baby. The doctor entered and smiled at me. I smiled back even though I'm too nervous.
"This will be cold," she warned and squirt the gel onto my abdomen, I winced and relax when she moved the wand.
A fetus flashed on the screen and I feel my tears freely flow which i quickly wiped it away.
"And that's your baby," she smiled and pointed at the screen. "Looks like you're 9 weeks along and the baby is moving which is good," the doctor says and I smiled.
She wiped the gel and I sat up before she hand me the sonogram picture of my baby who have a nose and eyelids closed. Although, the bone is still soft but he or she looks like a beautiful baby to me now. And it all makes real.
•••
Fucking great hair man. Damn him and his secret wife. I furiously wipes the tears away as I walk through the rain when george suddenly came, shielding me through the rain. I look up at him and sobbed, he wrapped his hands around my shoulder and guide me in my jeep.
He drove us back home, I entered the house defeated. Derek... Derek has a wife.
I lay down on my bed and sob while the rain still continued pouring.
"Mer, mer..." George rush up at my side and wipe the tears. I feel like vomiting that's why I shoved him away and run to the bathroom clutching my stomach.
He was quickly beside me rubbing my back and holding my hair. Once I'm done he gave me a water which I quickly spit out on the toilet and cried more.
"I'm pregnant," I muttered.
He looks taken aback and nod, still staying beside me and comforting me.
"Does he know?" He asks quietly.
"I'm planning to tell him today," I confessed and sit up straight before leaning my head on his shoulder. "But after today, I... I don't know if I'll tell him."
I cried more before he carry me to my bed before I doze of to sleep.
•••
I hit the end of first trimester and I have a bump time. A small bump, my baby is definitely growing. And I heard the heartbeat today, my baby's heartbeat.
I still don't know the gender but I already assumed it is a boy. I also take a picture every week to look at my progress. And made a scrapbook already.
"Hey baby, you're pretty amazing in there. Moving, growing, everything you do is worth celebrating and mommy loves you so much. You're dad still didn't know about you and I'm sorry, it's mommy's fault that he still didn't know. Mommy will see what she can and it'll be alright my love, just hang in there and continue to be amazing alright? I love you lots and lots." I talk to my in-utero baby and caress my small bump.
•••
I got home crying. After my speech or whatever at the scrub room I got home crying. Derek, Derek says he wanna try again at his marriage. I almost say I'm pregnant but I'm lost for words after he said he's choosing his wife.
He's perfect wife. Derek is an honorable man, he's noble. He's noble but stupid.
I remembered how it happened...
"Meredith!" He chased after me at the elevator.
I quickly entered without looking back and he entered swiftly before pushing the button of to stop the elevator.
I avoided his eyes, I'm not crying. I will not cry in front of him.
"What do you want Derek?" I asked coldly. Still avoiding his eyes. I just can't look at him.
"11 years. That was 11 birthdays, 11 christmases, 11 new years, 11 thanksgivings, 11 anniversaries. Addison became my family for 11 whole years. I... I want to try and see where did our marriage go wrong. I know she's at fault, but I'm at fault here too. I was absent, Meredith please, please try to understand that I just can't throw an 11 years of marriage. And for us to move forward I needed closure, I want to say I tried hard just to let our marriage work. She's my family for 11 years, and nobody cut a family like that." He says softly. He's stupid. I know, I understand you can't just cut somebody like that, not your family.
I hold my tears and nod, understanding. He needs to try, he will try, I just don't know if I'll still be here if one day he realize what he did.
I have the urge to put my hand on my bump to comfort me. I understand where his coming from. And it's really painful to understand where he is coming from. You can't throw something like that.
"So, you're picking her." I said, shock that my voice didn't waver and I'm still standing straight.
"I'm picking her." He whispered I nod and stand up in front of him, facing the elevator door. "Would you still be here? Waiting?" He asked, he sounds vulnerable and I fight another urge to hug and comfort him.
"I don't know, derek. I don't know." I whispered and shakes my head. "What was I to you? The girl you screwed to get over being screwed?" I ask.
I chuckled and shakes my head. "Of course, I am." I sighed, "look, I know you can't just throw something like that. I understand you Derek, I really do. And you know I love you, I said it before. And I'll probably sound rude or whatever but she threw your marriage first. You're noble Derek, I found you honorable and noble but stupid." I said and push the button to get the elevator from working again.
"So what was I to you?" I ask again.
"You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me." He muttered. I nod and step out of the elevator once it opened.
"It's not enough," I say before going out of the hospital, leaving him alone.
I wiped the tear that continued to escape as I lay there in my bed. George suddenly entered and sit on my bed.
He became like a brother to me this past week and I'm really grateful for that.
"Dr. Shepherd and his wife are leaving, I heard from the hospital gossip. They were flying to New York for a week, I think something about his niece graduating." George say.
I nod and cried more, fatigue and stress taking over me which is really don't sound good for the baby.
"Meredith, there's still something you need to know..." George whispered and I look at him. He sighed, "you're mother was rushed in to the hospital today. They s—" I cut him off
"She didn't make it, did she?" I asked, he just nods and I cried more.
•••
I smiled looking at the box full of my unborn baby's things. Onesie, blanket, booties, socks, and mittens.
I decided to name him Skylar, it means eternal life and strength. And I decided to give his dad's first name as his second name and Grey for middle name and Shepherd for his last name. Even though Derek didn't know he exists, Skylar deserves his dad's last name.
My mom's ashed we're resting on the house. It's been a week and Derek's vacation last long. Or, maybe he's already on Seattle. I was here on Boston to check on some stuff. I was planning on moving here for my residency.
And I changed OB, that's why I'm here sitting waiting for my turn.
•••
"Meredith, I'm so sorry but your baby doesn't have a heartbeat."
That's the last thing I heard and my world completely shattered. My baby, my precious baby just died. They take the baby out of me and placed on an incubator box.
And I was right, he was a boy. My precious little boy torn from life. I called George and he quickly flew to Boston.
I let his tiny finger wrapped around my thumb before they take him away from me for cremation.
I take a picture of him for a memory, and I cried and dialed Derek's number.
It ends up in voicemail. Maybe he was busy, I wiped my tear. "Hey, it's Meredith. I know you are trying for your marriage but please, please just hear me out." I sobbed again and sit on the bed. "I was pregnant. I would tell you the day when Addison shows up but I couldn't, I couldn't tell you about a precious life. And I couldn't tell you, afraid you will choose us out of obligation. I... Our baby died today Derek. It's boy, he have no heartbeat and they take him away from me. I'm sorry I can't protect our baby, I'm so sorry..." I cried and cried, phone clutch on my hand.
"He's a beautiful boy, tiny, but beautiful. You'll love him, I named his Skylar, Skylar Derek Grey-Shepherd, even though we're not together I still love you enough to give our baby your name." I hanged up and cried.
Looking at Skylar before they took him away from me.
I remember how I carried his lifeless body on mine, how I let his fingers wrapped around my thumb. I already put my future on him.
I stopped the them wheeling sky far from me and reached to caress his cheeks.
"I love you through and through, yesterday, today, and tomorrow too."
--
This is just an AU. I didn't own Grey's Anatomy. RR
Sage ;)