ShuAnn Week 2021
Day 7: Free Day (Spy x Family AU)
Another mission done. Another mission given. It was codenamed "Operation Strix". This time it was to infiltrate a school, the prestigious Shujin Academy, to spy on Masayoshi Desmond, a prominent figure in Ostania who was essentially a paranoid hermit. He was supposed to look for seditious activities, otherwise war might break out between his home country, Westalis, and Ostania.
And in order to infiltrate the academy...
You will marry and have a child. You have one week.
"Pfffffffffffffffffff...!"
Had Joker been a lesser spy, he would've coughed after he unintentionally expectorated his coffee. But he had already broken his mask once with said outburst, so he withheld himself. Even as he thought,
What in the hell?!
Joker had done many things in the course of his life as a spy for Velvet Room, but this...
What was HQ thinking?
But then again...
Joker mentally frowned, a certain woman who was whimsical chaos incarnate coming in mind.
...if a woman like her was among the best spies, he shouldn't be too surprised of their odd strategies...especially if they had reasoning behind them that would actually work, despite everything.
But still...a wife and child? Just so he could infiltrate a school and get in the good graces of a man who was essentially the world's most powerful hermit?
Had he had a choice, he would've refused but...
Flames rampaging around, like a sea of relentless monsters devouring all before them.
Smoke choking the sky, like a poison that was so powerful it even killed the stars.
And wails that echoed everywhere and nowhere, desperately begging for help that wouldn't come.
...he had already decided his course the moment he gave up his identity.
So for the sake of world peace, he would don yet another mask, that of the perfect father and husband.
First order of business: a house with no bugs.
That was easy enough. He also made sure it was close to Shujin Academy, without it being too expensive for his new identity.
Ren Forger. Age twenty-six. Psychiatrist of five years. Husband and father.
Now he needed a child. He could find the mother later, seeing as their enrollment to the academy was the beginning of the infiltration.
It was easy enough to find an orphanage that didn't care too much about papers, so that he could forge his own.
It was also easy enough to pretend he was in a market instead of—
Joker shook his head and reminded himself that he needed at least a child of six years. And...
"Do you have a child that can read and write?" he said to the "caretaker".
It would make it much easier to teach them that way.
"Oh. Here then. Akira! Come here!"
At the "caretaker's" call, a little girl with black curly hair and pale blue eyes came up to them, holding a little lionness doll with armor. The "caretaker" said she could not only read and write, but was nice and quiet and obedient. With the twitch of the man's lips and a change in his pitch, Joker doubted that. And while her appearance, similar to his own bar the eyes, was excellent to have for the mission...
She looks only four years old... Maybe five at best... I need at least six to—
"Six!"
"Eh?"
"I'm... I'm Akira...and I'm six years old. It's... It's nice to meet you," the girl said, bowing.
Joker bowed in return. "It's nice to meet you as well, Akira. I'm Ren Forger."
"See? What'd I tell you. She's great. You'll take her, yes?"
Joker hummed. He could, but...
She doesn't seem too bright. She won't be able to pass the tests if she can't learn quick—
"C-Can... Can I show you something, Mr. Forger?"
"Oh. Yes, you may, Akira."
And so the girl took a newspaper and opened it to the crossword puzzle. It was clear she was trying to impress him since she...she likely wanted to be...
Joker focused his thoughts on the crossword Akira was attempting to solve. While he could easily see the answers, from trivia on coffee beans to various weather phenomenon, he wasn't sure how much a child, much less an orphaned one, would know to be able to answer it.
However, slowly but surely, the boxes were filled until all the correct words were placed.
She's perfect.
"I'll take this one."
And so he took the newly christened Akira Forger home.
Except:
"You will call me 'Father'."
"Papa."
Joker internally sighed. Close enough. In fact, it was better, as informality would make others think his fake daughter was close with him.
"What's this?"
"A café."
"What about that?"
"A bakery."
"A bacon-ry?"
"No. Bakery. They sell pastries there."
"What's a pastry?"
Joker stared at the little child.
Is she actually stupid? She is not displaying any of her genius earlier. Well, it's not too late. I can go back and leave h—
"Noooo! Papa! Don't leave me!" she said then cried.
Joker tensed.
Ugh. No. I hate crying.
Judemental gazes.
No! If anyone thinks I'm a bad father, the operation will fail!
"No, Akira. It's okay. I won't leave you."
The first step in diplomacy is to understand the other party. So I need to figure her out...for the sake of world peace!
"I like chocolate. I don't like carrots."
"Hmm? I see..."
It was...a little easier after that.
But he had to chase her around on their way back to the residence, the girl curious about anything and everything around her, and he had to buy a few things to placate her, like chocolate and books and a toy sword. She was sound asleep by the time he was back.
At least he thought so, until he left to forge her documents.
"Adventure!" the little girl said, tackling his leg as he was leaving.
"No. No adventure. Just errands. Now get off!" he said, swinging his leg enough that she let go.
He went out, but she was still following.
He put her back, but she unlocked the door.
He blockaded it, but she climbed out the windows.
He barricaded those, but she went out the vents.
So he stuck her in her room, barred its window, grated its vents and blockaded its door. For good measure, he also placed a crate before the front door.
That is what he told Futaba when he finally arrived at her current "job".
Unsurprisingly, she laughed hard at his troubles.
"She really is your daughter!"
"..."
"Oh come on, don't give me that look. She's most definitely your daughter. Here, see? She even had a bunch of different names before you got her. Got transferred through several orphanages and institutions. "
"..."
"Okay fine. Here. Her papers. Geez. Would it kill you to live up to your name at least a little bit?"
"Thank you, I'll be going now," Joker said, ignoring the woman's comment about his name for the nth time.
He wasn't Joker because he made jokes.
He was Joker because he was the wild card, the one that could be anything Velvet Room wanted him to be, whenever they needed it.
And right now he needed to research how to deal with his fake daughter as come next day, though she was grumpy about studying, she had acquiesed when he told her she had to. Unfortunately, he found out Akira had an eye problem, and thus her studying capacity was severely hampered, and what things she did remember was paltry. So now he had to arrange for an optometrist to diagnose her eyes. And once again, he had to practically lock her inside the apartment before he could even leave to do that.
Joker sighed.
He really should just replace her. She was turning out to be more trouble for the mission than she was worth.
But when he came back, he froze at the front door. The crate had been moved and then returned to make it seem like nothing had disturbed it. That was the only hint he needed to know that Akira hadn't done it somehow.
And it turned out he was right as he entered the house and took down the intruders inside.
Akira's kidnapped.
The next thing he knew, he had infiltrated the warehouse used by the target from his previous mission, rescued Akira and was running away from the subordinates with the girl in his arm.
And she was crying.
"It's okay. Don't cry."
I hate crying...
...because all I can think of is my own.
He had promised to himself after all. He would make a world where children like him, children like Akira, wouldn't have to cry.
For the sake of world peace, he had become a spy.
So he had planned to drop Akira off so that she wouldn't be put in danger of the operation anymore, telling her to go to the police. But after dealing with the loose end from his last mission, killing off the man's subordinates and telling him to leave him alone if he didn't want his life ruined by Joker, he had found Akira waiting exactly where had left her. And she had said,
"Please... Don't go... If you leave... I'll cry..."
Ren stilled and stared.
"... Are you sure you want to stay with me...?"
"Yes..."
Ren stared a bit more, before he pat her head.
"... Okay. Let's go home."
Another residence, just as ideal as the first one, found later, and he was enrolling Akira into Shujin Academy. Before long, they managed to get in the entrance exams.
Unfortunately...
"...both parents must attend the interview along with their child. There are no exceptions."
...he would have to find Akira a mother sooner than he had anticipated.
"But there is no mama."
Ann was just preparing the boss's coffee when her co-workers wondered if they could put snot in it. She had asked if that would make the drink taste better, but they dismissed her question before Mika, one of her colleagues, said,
"You're twenty-six and you're still single, Ann? I'm surprised, considering how you look..."
"It's the personality. She's a bit...you know," her other co-worker, Eiko, said.
"Now you two... Don't say that about Ann," Makoto said, slightly scolding them. Then she turned to her. "But they're right you know. The police just recently arrested a single woman for being a spy, so it's suspicious for a woman your age to be single."
Ann flinched. Oh right. She had heard of that. In fact, she was sure she had seen it herself and almost interferred, before remembering she would've ended up late if she did.
"You should find youself a boyfriend."
Ann just smiled. "I'll try."
Honestly, she hadn't really thought about it until now because of her work.
"Then how about you come to my party then?" Eiko said. "I'm sure you'll find someone."
Ann had neither accepted nor denied the invitation. Just merely went home once work at city hall was over. But, as if the world was making fun of her, when she got a call from Shiho, after catching up with each other, her best friend thinking about accepting a promotion while she was just going through everyday things, Shiho said,
"Hey, have you found a boyfriend yet?"
"Uh well..."
"I should've known you haven't. Why don't I introduce you to someone?"
"T-That's not necessary! I already have a boyfriend!"
Silence.
"For real?"
"Of course for real! In fact, I'll be going out with him for Eiko's party this weekend!"
"Uh huh. Then I'm gonna have Ryuji and Makoto check on you and this...'boyfriend' of yours."
"Eh heh heh...you don't have to..."
"But of course I do! You're too nice for your own good sometimes, so I have to make sure this man isn't a bad guy. But if he's really nice...then I can't wait to hear about him! Bye!"
Click and the line was cut.
Ann groaned.
What had she been thinking?! Lying to her best friend that she had a boyfriend?! Oh, what was she going to do...?
The phone rang again.
"Shiho! What I said earlier was just a joke!"
"Hmm? Are you and your best friend fighting? That's unusual," a familiar aged voice said.
"Ah! S-Shopkeeper! I'm sorry, I thought—"
"Good evening."
Ann stilled.
"Panther. I have a job for you."
She took a deep breath.
"Where do you want me to go?" Panther said.
One briefing and one simple, non-descript trip later, she stood before the Royal Hotel, heading up to one of its VIP floors. Security guards were posted right before the room she was supposed to go in.
"Hey, did someone order a girl?"
"My apologies..." she said.
"Gyuk!"
"Wah?!"
"...but I heard there was a traitorous scumbags here."
A kick was all she needed to send the two guards through the door, where her target and his allies were startled.
"What the hell's going on?!" a mophead of a man said.
She stepped inside, choking another guard coming after her. "Vice Minister Suguru Brennan, I presume?" she said. "May I have the honor...of taking your life?"
Of course, she didn't need his answer. All she needed to do was swing her whip and avoid any attacks, not that she really needed to. The guards the vice minister had were easy to deal with and the rest of the room's occupants have never had even a single scrape in their life. So soon enough, the room was filled with unmoving bodies. After checking they all were truly passed away, she went up to the room's phone and called Shopkeeper.
"Well done. Thank you for your work, Panther."
And with that, the call ended.
Panther closed her eyes.
She heaved a sigh.
"Now where's the sink...?" Ann said, finding one easily enough.
It was only then she noticed her dress was torn.
Great. Of course. Not only did she need to find a boyfriend to cover up her lie to Shiho, she now had to fix her only good dress for the party she had to go to.
Her Papa being a spy was both the coolest thing ever, and the most boring thing ever.
Akira thought that, because he was a spy, she could read his mind for all his cool adventures and stuff. Instead...
What would be nutritious for Akira but also something she likes? I need her motivated and energized to study.
How long should she study? I need to pace her so she doesn't get discouraged nor exhausted yet still learning enough to pass her tests.
Who would be a good candidate for her mother? It needs to be someone Akira likes or her studying capacity might be hampered.
...well, it was spy stuff, but only because of their mission to in-fill-trace Soo-jin Academy.
That was why they were in a clothes shop, getting her measurements. Papa thought she should at least look nice, not only for the mission to show the academy that she was a nice looking kid, but also to show the woman who could be her mom that she was nice too.
Akira had just finished getting measured for that when she ran back to the front of the store and said,
"Papa! I'm finished!"
It was then she saw that a woman with long, and pretty, yellow hair had been talking to Papa.
"Who's that?" she said.
"Another customer," Papa said.
I nearly asked another woman's husband on a date! thought the woman. I've heard of cases of women being murdered by the wives for that. Although in my case, I'd definitely kill her first... Agh! No Ann! What are you thinking?! That would make it obvious you're an assassin!
Akira gaped.
A-A-A-A...Assassin?!
The woman with long yellow hair was an assassin?!
If she was her mom...with her dad as a spy...
Akira grinned.
I'd have the coolest parents ever!
Unfortunately...
Her Papa thought, I had thought she could be a prospect for the wife role, but...a woman that intuitive could be a threat to the mission.
What?!
The woman thought, I thought he might be good for the boyfriend role, but...I don't want to cause any bloodshed, accident or not.
Noooooooo!
There was only one thing to do!
Akira smiled and grabbed on the woman's jacket. "Did you come here for nice clothes too?"
"Oh? Uh yes."
"Maybe Papa can help! He's the best in picking things!"
"Oh it's all right. I wouldn't want to have you get home late. I'm sure your mother would want you home soon."
Akira frowned. It was easy to when she was ignoring what little she remembered of Mom. "I don't have a mama..."
"Huh?"
"Akira... Don't bother the lady," Papa said. "I'm sorry. My wife passed away a few years ago, so it's a bit of a sensitive topic for my daughter."
The woman gasped. Then no one would try to kill me if I asked him...!
"Oh it's fine...I mean no harm. Uh...but...there is something else you could help me with."
Papa perked up. Something I could help her with? Then maybe I can use this as my chance to have her pretend to be my wife.
With that, the woman, who she found out was Ann Takamaki thanks to Papa's mind, told him of her need of a fake boyfriend so that her best friend wouldn't have to worry, and Papa agreed after she agreed to act as his fake wife for their in-fill-trace-on. And so, the two began to coordinate details so no one would be suspicious of them not knowing each other's backgrounds.
Akira hid behind her Papa's leg and smirked. YES! Mission...complete!
Another mission?! On Saturday?!
Joker groaned.
He had just managed to acquire a chance to gain a wife for Operation Strix, and now HQ has sent another mission for him to complete on the same day he was supposed to go to the party that would allow him to get said wife...
Stupid short staffing...
And curse the spy cleansing by the Ostanian secret service...
Joker had no other choice.
"Futaba," he said to his informant the next moment he was free.
"Hmm? What?"
"I need your help for a mission."
"What?!"
If he wanted to make it to the party on time to hold up his end of the deal, he would have to resort to this.
Unsurprisingly, Futaba wasn't too happy to be asked to assist him beyond intelligence gathering.
Also unsurprsingly, the moment he mentioned pulling strings to allow him to acquire some of Velvet Room's more recent developments in spy tech for her, the woman agreed.
Now he just needed to finish off the smuggling ring without any hiccups.
Ding dong.
Six o' clock.
Ding dong.
Six thirty.
Ding dong.
Seven.
Ding dong.
Ann frowned. She looked left and right before checking her wristwatch.
Seven thirty three.
Ann sighed, ignoring the urge to crumple and cry. It seemed Ren wouldn't be coming. She had no choice but to go to the party on her own. Not only did she have to maintain friendly relations with her co-workers, Makoto and her husband would be there, the closest people to be friends for her besides Shiho. It would be rude to not come after agreeing to be there.
Even if her co-workers kept saying she was odd.
Even if she didn't understand why Makoto, Ryuji, and their daughter were so nice to her despite that.
Even if she felt excluded from everyone's smiles and cheers.
It wasn't the first time she felt envy after all.
It wasn't the first time she wished she could get closer but couldn't if she didn't want to be exposed.
It wasn't the first time being all alone, with no one to take her outstretched, and yearning, hand.
BANG!
"My apologies!"
Everyone was startled and turned to the front door.
"I'm sorry for being late. I'm Ren Forger, Ann's husband."
Everyone stared.
Ann stared.
"Uh..."
What?!
Had he been a less dignified spy, Joker would've been banging his head for his mistake.
But he wasn't.
And besides, getting hit in the head was what led him to this situation in the first place, so he felt it prudent to refrain from banging it.
So he would have to work with his bumble.
"Ann's husband?" one of the women, Makoto Neumann if he remembered correctly, said, flat and disbelieving. "You're married and you didn't tell us?"
"Um...well..." his "wife" said, unsure.
Joker bowed and smiled sheepishly. "Ah, that would be my fault... This is my second marriage and I have a child from my first. I didn't want to make Ann uncomfortable."
Thankfully, that seemed to placate Mrs. Neumann...for now. It was clear from her look she didn't fully believe him, but she was interrupted by her husband, Ryuji.
"You okay there, dude? You're bleedin' a lot there," said the man, moving closer with his wheelchair.
Joker gave him a reassuring smile. "Oh, I'm fine. One of my patients got violent. It happens all the time."
"All the time? What are you? Some kinda witch doctor?"
"Ryuji..."
"Oh no. I'm a psychiatrist," Joker said before turning to Ann to change the topic. "Forgive me for being late. I hope you were still enjoying the party?"
"Oh uh...yeah."
And it was then one of the attendees, a woman named Mika if he remembered correctly, came towards them with a tray of foods but tripped.
Joker tensed.
He moved to catch it.
Whoosh!
Clank!
"Oof!"
But he didn't have to.
Ann caught it with her foot, holding it up not unlike a martial artist doing a high kick.
"Are you okay, Ann?" he said as she then put the tray in her hands. "While it is important to not waste food, that was a touch crude. Your foot might've dirtied it."
Not to mention the kick could have hit someone.
"Oh I'm sorry!"
Luckily, Mika seemed unharmed...but most obviously vexed for some odd reason. It wasn't until she spoke again did he know why.
"Did you know, Mr. Forger? Apparently your wife was in some quite unseemly work before she came to city hall!" said the sneering woman. "How did it go again? Men would ask for her and she would go to their hotel rooms to give them 'messages', yes?"
Ann tensed and frowned. "That was..." The blonde turned to him with fear in her eyes. "It's not what you think, Ren..."
Ren grinned reassuringly. "Is that so? I think it's wonderful!
As he expected, everyone was surprised, the Neumanns in particularly looking inquisitive as well.
"Eh?"
"After her parents died at a young age, she worked herself half to death to provide for her best friend, whom she lived with. That's an incredible act of self-sacrifice." Ren smiled, unconsciously somber. "To endure such a harsh job for the sake of another, for the sake of something greater than one's self... That isn't something just anyone would do. I truly admire that."
Ann stared out the door, Ren's words from the party still rolling around in her head.
She... She never thought she would ever hear anything close to that, much less directed at her.
True, Ren had said it under the assumption she had been...a prostitute...but the sentiment was still the same.
"I truly admire that."
So when the man apologized for accidentally telling her co-workers that he was her husband instead of her boyfriend, saying,
"I'll try to come up with an excuse to your friend..."
She said, "Well, about that...I was wondering..."
But then Ren's car shook and it turned out his patients had escaped from their wards and were acting out their delusions. As such, the man was forced to administer "concussion therapy", which he explained to her while they were using a nearby factory as cover. Thankfully, because of that, she eventually found the chance to say,
"Will you marry me?"
Ren froze.
"Wha?"
Then tripped.
"Ack!"
"Ren!"
"I'm fine. I'm fine..." the man said as he slowly stood back up from his trip. "But pardon? Did I hear that right...?"
Ann fidgeted and looked away.
This is the only man...
"Y-Yes... I was wondering...if instead of parting ways after today...do you think...we could...stay together..."
...who would accept me for who I am.
"...as an actual married couple, for both our sakes?"
Ren stared.
Ann, for a moment, feared she had misjudged him.
But then he gave a small smile, stood up, and said, "Very well. We can swing by the courthouse on our way home."
Ann gasped and tensed. "Now?!"
"No time like the present."
Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh... He said yes...
She was startled from her thoughts when Ren said, "Oh, that's right!"
Ann was confused when he rummaged his pockets but couldn't seem to find what he was looking for. Before she could ask about it, and maybe help him, she squealed when he grabbed a dropped grenade before he pulled her behind a crate.
"I take thee, Ann,
Her breath caught.
"For better or worse,
He pulled the grenade pin.
"For richer or poorer,
Then threw the grenade.
"In good times and in bad,
He took her hand.
"In sickness and in health,
And slipped the pin over her left ring finger.
"I pledge myself to you," said Ren, looking straight into her eyes...
BOOOOOOM!
...with a small, warm smile.
Ann smiled back.
Until my killing...
Until my mission...
...do we part.
"Ren?"
Ren jolted and tensed, ready to strike, but relaxed upon realizing who had spoken to him.
"Hello love," he said.
Ann gave a warm smile as she slotted herself in his arms.
"Is something wrong? You had that serious look on your face."
Ren chuckled. "Nothing's wrong." He nuzzled her hair. "Just reminiscing is all."
Ann gave him a curious look. "About what?"
"How we first met."
His beloved smiled. "Ah... I see... It's really been years since then, hasn't it? I can't believe it sometimes...how far we've come..."
"Me neither." He kissed the crown of her head. "I'm glad I'm here with you, my love."
Ren wouldn't want it any other way.
Author's Notes: Hey yo hee ho! Welcome to...unfortunately, my only entry to ShuAnn Week 2022.
Or rather the only one I could come up with AND write, as I did have one other idea, but I couldn't really write it out.
But that's fine. Though I wished I ended it on a better sentence...I'm pretty happy about this piece, even if it's my only one. I had fun with all the swapping and mixing.
Now, for those who've read the manga...were Ren and Ann my first thoughts for a Spy x Family AU swap with Loid and Yor? No, not really. If anything, I'd have given it to Akechi and Akira. But if that's the case...then "why did you do this?"you may ask.
Simple.
The moment I realized ShuAnn Week and Spy x Family's anime are on the same month, I decided to use this chance promote the latter, by literally ripping off the first two chapters of the story. :V
So go! If you liked anything about this AU, whether be the ridiculous comedy, the slow burn romance, the wholesome family content, or maybe something else entirely, watch the anime! It has two episodes out by the time this is released!
Or even better, read the manga, because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT AND RECOMMEND IT.
Because that's all I'm gonna say about this fic.
I hope you all enjoyed all the entries, whether making them or seeing them, for this year's ShuAnn Week. Here's hoping I can have more for next year!