Hazama: Prom Queen
People always ask me why I'm like this. "Why does she dress like that?", or, "Why does she act that way?" The truth is, I've always wanted to be one of those girls who are skinny, pretty, and always get invited to everything. Like Aaliyah. I kinda envy her. I know I shouldn't be because it's not good to be jealous of my closest friends. Still. She's skinny, pretty, always invited to every party, had a few girlfriends, and even did cheerleading a bit. She said it wasn't really her thing and thinks she should stick to volleyball, but still, she was really good at cheerleading when she did it. Whenever Aaliyah and Itona came over to my house to do homework together, the other half of the gang wasn't allowed at my house because my mother didn't like them, but that's beside the point, my mom would always comment on how beautiful Aaliyah was. "You're so pretty, you should be a model, too bad you're only 5'1".", she told her, "I tell Kirara she should care more about her looks, but she doesn't. It's really disappointing." "You shouldn't compare your daughter to me.", she told my mom, "Everybody's different. She's already beautiful. It's also good if she's not always thinking about her looks. It really weighs down on my mental health worrying about how I look all the time." I know I shouldn't judge her, but how is her mental health declining because of this? SHES NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL! SHES A DANCER WHO LOVES HOT PINK AND SPARKLES AND IS SUPER SKINNY! SHES WHO EVERY GIRL WANTS TO BE! SHES WHAT MY MOM WANTS ME TO BE! "Still, I wish my daughter put a little bit of effort into her looks.", my mom said. I ended up ignoring that statement, and just going right back to doing homework with my friends. After everyone was done with their homework, Itona and Aaliyah had to go home. "Hey.", Aaliyah said to me, "I'm sorry about what happened earlier. It's not fair that your mother compared me to you. Please don't get down on yourself, or put pressure on yourself, and built up anxiety. You have no idea the lengths I go through to look like this." "Yea. It's not your fault. My mom's just always been like this.", I reassured her. She hugged me. We heard her mom honking her car horn outside. She which responded to her in English and said, "IM COMING MAMA, CALM DOWN!" "Bye.", she told me in slight laughter. I said also laughing, "Bye." When her and Itona left, my mom started screaming at me saying, "HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE LIKE HER?! I MEAN HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! SHE OBVIOUSLY ONLY WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU BECAUSE SHE PITIES YOU!" My mom walked away. I headed upstairs to the bathroom, crying. I know I shouldn't have let that get to me, but it did. That confused me. I was just so used to my mom verbally abusing me, but this was different. It hurt. I saw a razor on the counter. Now, I don't know why I felt the need to pick it up, but I did. I went back to my room and slept even tho it was only 6 in the evening. My mom then came in my room screaming in the middle of the night talking about how can I just sleep when I disrespected her like that when she said Aaliyah was prettier than me. She slammed my door and finally went to bed. I. Just. Couldn't. Take. It. Anymore. I grabbed the razor, and started crying. I then slit my wrist. I didn't know what I just did, but it was weirdly 1 of the best feelings in my life. I knew that this wasn't good for me, but whatever, it was 1 time. Well pretty soon 1 time turned into every time mom verbally abused me. My friends eventually found out because I would start wearing long sleeve all the time, even in the hot summer. "Why are you wearing a long sleeve hoodie in the hot summer at Okinawa?", Yoshida asked me. At this point, Itona wasn't with us anymore. He was with Shiro. Aaliyah also wasn't here because she was spending the summer in Ikebukuro. Now, I just lied and told him I was cold. "That's bullshit!", Terasaka said seeing through my lies, "You're sweating!" I then took off my hoodie because there was no point in lying anymore. All I had to do was hide my cuts. We then went on with our day. After our assassination attempt, half of the kids came down with a fever which we then later found out was a man made virus made by Takaoka and his hired assassins. We also later found out that Terasaka was also infected, but chose to hide it to help save everyone like the idiot he is. While we were lying down, and being treated by Okuda and Takebayashi because they were the only ones of the kids that were uninfected that could help us. I was lying down next to Muramatsu because he was the only one in the friend group that was also infected, besides Terasaka, but he still went. "We are so gonna die", I told him. "Yea, maybe.", he admitted, "By the way, I saw the cuts on your wrist when we were drinking the poisoned drinks. Is that the reason why you were wearing a long sleeve hoodie earlier today?" I froze. The first thing I thought was, 'How was he so straight forward with it?' Next I started wondering if he would treat me differently now that he knows about my bad habit. Actually, it's less of a bad habit, and more of an addiction at this point. It's like...everytime I feel sad. I do it after every time some kid on the main campus calls me an ugly dumbass and tells me to go kill myself, after every time my mother verbally abuses me, after every time my own demons in my head start talking to me, telling me to do it because I deserve, telling me to do it because I secretly enjoy it, escaping my emotions by making a slit on my wrist each time I feel overcome by sadness, anger, fear, disgust, anxiety, embarrassment, shame, envy, guilt, loneliness, SADNESS, ANGER, FEAR, DISGUST, ANXIETY, EMBARRASSMENT, SHAME, ENVY, GUILT, LONELINESS,SADNESSANGERFEARDISGUSTANXIETYEMBARRISSMENTSHAMEENVYGUILTLONLINE- Before I knew it, tears were coming out of my eyes. "Hey Hazama", Muramatsu asks me, "Are you ok?" I just start full on crying. Muramatsu tries comforting me, but I start feeling embarrassed because the rest of my classmates that are here started looking at me. "The others will be back soon with the cure", Okuda tells me, "so don't fear." That wasn't what I was crying about. Muramatsu and I both knew that, but I played it off as if that was what I was crying about, which was still silly because why would I be crying about that, but whatever. Later, the rest of the kids came back and gave us the news that we just needed, to rest up and take care. We then approached Terasaka and told him that we were worried about him, so to stop being such an idiot next time. The next day, we all started feeling much better. Muramatsu then pulled me aside and said, "I won't tell the rest of the gang what happened, but I just don't know why you would want to do this to yourself." He said tearing up, "I just- it hurts me to see you hurting. I really don't want you to do this to yourself anymore. Please don't cut yourself, even if you think you deserve, you don't." From that day on, I didn't cut myself, for a month at least. Then I kind of...relapsed. These girls in class A started surrounding me one day, looking at me with disgust and called me the ugliest bitch on the planet, and told me that it hurt for them to even look at me so I should just kill myself. Naturally, I came up with a smart comeback to get them to fuck off, and the gang came and started yelling at them, also telling them to fuck off, so they did. I acted like it didn't hurt me, but it did. That's the day I relapsed after over a month without self harming. Muramatsu noticed a few days after that. He noticed that I had started cutting myself again. He told me that he cares about me and told me I need help because this isn't normal. I guess, maybe the reason comments about how ugly I am really make me feel that whole shame spiral again. I did feel a lot more guilt when I started cutting myself again, but I just couldn't help myself. I guess I was secretly envious of those girls who were the prom queens and looked pretty, but I just wasn't made for that. Sadness, anger, fear, disgust, anxiety, embarrassment, shame, envy, guilt, and loneliness. Those feelings, will never go away.