Friendly Reminder… again
By Kpmh2001
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Subject: New Disciplinary Regulations and Behavioral Guidelines
From: Lieutenant Commander John Bradford
To: All
The past few weeks have seen a notable improvement in discipline and professionalism across our crew, and for that you all have my personal thanks. I appreciate that what we're going through right now is difficult, and your strength is appreciated, not just by myself and the Officers, but by all of Remnant.
Unfortunately, that does not mean that everyone has been on their best behavior. You should all know the drill by now, so let's get right to it.
51. Mags is not to be introduced to any more Irish cultural Music. Whoever made this mistake in the first place should really have seen this coming.
51a. Mags is no longer allowed to play "Come out, ye Black and Tans!" over the intercom.
51b. Fireteam Wyvern is no longer permitted to act as her backup dancers for any reason.
51c. Mags is currently recovering from alcoholism, please stop making inappropriate jokes regarding Guinness.
Addendum: As an aside, anyone on this ship who drinks their Guinness cold ought to reconsider their decision. A drink like that should be room-temperature.
51d. All references to "Kinky Boots" are now forbidden.
51e. While Private Pegamagabow's public duet with Mags singing "Star of the County Down" was certainly impressive, you should at least follow Menagerie's fire-safety code when setting up your equipment. (where the hell did you find a set of studio-quality speakers?)
52. General Ironwood is a respected ally and a capable leader of the Atlesian Military. To that end, the following nicknames for him are now banned:
General Woody
General Wait-and-see
Jimmy
General [Redacted] (I don't care if it was in good taste or not, that's racist)
Colonel Cotton
Sergeant Steel
Captain Cold
Admiral Whitcomb's Estranged Cousin (funny, but no)
Diamond Dean
General Ironside (making fun of a veteran's injuries, shame on you!)
Admiral Adamantium
52a. Nobody is permitted to ask General Ironwood "What's in your pants?" or any similar questions.
52b. No, the previous rule has not been put in place to hide some great secret.
52c. To address recent questions as to my own knowledge on the subject, stop asking and grow up.
52d. Fine, to address the growing controversy (and at the Commander's request) I will officially (reluctantly) announce that I do not know whether or not General Ironwood has "Iron Wood". Laugh it up you lot.
53. Captain Clark's New Cybernetic Eye cannot see through anybody's underpants. Atlas hasn't developed that technology, and it would serve no purpose on the battlefield.
53a. No, I'm not basing that statement off of trust in Captain Clark alone. Atlas gave us a blueprint for the implant, and it does not have any underwear-defeating features. Captain Clark has provided the schematics for public examination to everyone's satisfaction.
53b. UNSC personnel are to stop submitting requests for cybernetic eyes for any reason.
53c. No, Atlesian Cybernetics do not feature built-in laser weaponry. You have access to the CCTS, direct your stupid questions there.
54. Crusader Company are no longer permitted to use the main cannons of their tanks to perform commercial destruction, no matter how cheaply we can produce Armor-Piercing Ammunition and spare barrels.
54a. They are also not allowed to call themselves "Reliable Explosive Demolitions Incorporated".
54b. Zulu Company, this rule goes for you as well. We don't have the chemists to replace our C12 stocks, so let's save it for the enemy.
55. The targeting laser of the Spartan Laser is used to better line up a shot with the weapon, it is not to be used for corrective eye surgery.
55a. Just because "it worked" doesn't mean that you morons used an anti-material laser for eye surgery!
56. As many of you already know, Ensign Williams is putting together an "Earth Radio" station, a musical alternative to our existing Radio Stations. While we appreciate the enthusiasm that you all have shown for the project, some of your suggestions are plainly inappropriate.
56a. I wasn't trying to say it, but since many have asked. Yes, this is in reference to the numerous suggestions of "Move Bitch".
56b. "Napalm Sticks To Kids" isn't any better. Come on, try to keep it family-friendly.
56c. After extensive negotiation with Mags, we've agreed to include "The Irish Volunteer", but "Go on home British Soldiers" was a little too vulgar.
56d. Try to limit the amount of Hardbass in the suggestions everyone, we appreciate the enthusiasm, but let's keep things mixed up a little!
56e. The rumors are true. Lieutenant Oswald does own a record set containing all of Frank Sinatra's work. You can all thank him later, get back to work.
56f. Stop suggesting the National Anthem of the Soviet Union, we already have the Russian Federation's Anthem, and that is as close as you are getting!
Side Note: While you're more than welcome to suggest older music, do try to avoid selections that would lead to some awkward conversations around Earth's History. For example, anything from 1940's Germany.
56g. Wendigo Squad, stop submitting your mixtape. I don't care how "fire" it is.
56h. Anything from the "Dubstep Resurgence" from the 2450's is off limits. We're trying to make a good impression here people, why would we show them our greatest musical failures?
57. Voodoo Squadron are no longer permitted to use their Sabres to fly pesticide-spraying operations for the Menagerie Government (we appreciate the spirit of what you're trying to do, but Curie and Doctor Chase are almost certain that those pesticides give people cancer).
57a. On a somewhat related note, bug-spray is included in a Marine's survival kit for your personal use. It is not there so that you can pawn it off to the local Huntsmen who don't have any.
57b. As an addendum/reminder, pawning off any kind UNSC equipment remains a punishable offense. Smuggling is still a crime, what equipment we do sell is because we either have excess of it and need the funding, or because we can produce it ourselves with little difficulty. Use some common sense.
58. Incorporating Dust into ad-hoc field equipment is temporarily prohibited following the "Gravity Stilts" incident. While none of the resulting wounds were fatal, the risk to the safety of yourself and any nearby civilians is still too great. Once we have a greater understanding of the properties of Dust, we can begin to incorporate it officially into our equipment.
59. Curie is no longer permitted to use the French Language to intimidate anybody that is native to Remnant, no matter how irritating they are.
59a. This goes for anybody else on the Dominion who speaks anything other than Basic English (Ensign Rozhestvensky, this means you. Just because they don't speak Russian doesn't mean you're allowed to demonstrate all of the swear words you know).
60. Marines are no longer permitted to operate Huntsmen-created weapons due to the risk of self-injury. Weapons that do not have a "transformation" function, or weapons that fall under conventional firearm guidelines (see attached file for more details) are excluded from this rule, but you're still not allowed to operate them without the permission of the weapon's owner.
60a. Following a number of reasonable inquiries, I will clarify the intention behind the rule listed above. As we understand it, most weapons operated by Huntsmen are custom-made by the wielder, and are specifically designed according to their training and experiences in battle. As a result, they lack a substantial number of safety features that are associated with traditional weaponry. For this reason, any personnel untrained in the use of these weapons are extremely likely to unintentionally harm themselves or their allies.
60b. And to address one final concern, we do not currently intend on issuing "transforming" weapons into service. The major problem is not the feasibility of their construction, but the complex machining, costly production, extensive maintenance, and dramatically increased weight.
61. Merlin Squad is no longer permitted to employ any of their "homemade Grimm summoning techniques". The Atlesian Military has written entire case studies on the dangers of that line of experimentation.
61a. It doesn't matter if you were trying to lure them into a minefield, that's no excuse to start kicking each other in a hair-brained scheme to bait the enemy into friendly positions!
62. The large number of new cryonic weaponry that we have recently acquired means that we are now reevaluating the Rules of Engagement for deploying those weapons. While they have been, for the moment, approved for usage in all situations, this is not an open opportunity to make Ice-related puns in battle.
62a. No, I will not "Chill Out".
63. Crusader Company are no longer permitted to remove the speed governors from Atlesian Tanks, they are there for a very good reason. We're trying to improve our allies' equipment, not turn them into VBIEDs.
63a. Due to the unique magnetic properties of Atlesian Tanks, Pelicans can only pick them via sling-loading or by magnetically locking with the bottom of the vehicles. This is to provide the safest, and most secure method of carrying the tanks, it is not so that they can fire their cannons down at the enemy while upside-down in flight.
64b. I thought this would go without saying, but stop flipping your scorpions. The Pelicans are not designed with having a rear-mounted 90mm gun in mind.
64c. This goes double for the Grizzlies! Two 120mm guns isn't any better!
65. No UNSC Personnel are permitted to attempt to ride the Grimm.
65a. Yes, even the cool dinosaur ones (if you really want to try, be my guest, but make sure to hand in your gear first and sign up for your darwin award).
66. All UNSC personnel are now prohibited from bothering me to make an "order 66" (be careful what you wish for)
67. Following Fireteam Centaur's "jungle hunt" in their off-duty hours, the standing rules for commandeering civilian vehicles in times of crisis have been updated. Chiefly, the fitting of vehicle-grade weaponry onto the Tour Boats operated by Menagerie's Travel Agencies. All personnel on leave are still permitted to take the boat tours (without your guns people, if you see an incoming Grimm attack, call for backup instead of taking them on yourself).
67a. This goes for other vehicles as well. That Dune Buggy was never meant to carry a pack howitzer.
68. Hellbringer Units (or any other unit operating incendiary weapons) are to follow the rules of engagement at all times! Your flamethrowers are not to be used for party tricks at barbeques!
68a. Any weapon of any kind is not to be used for party tricks, especially Dust munitions!
69. [Redacted]
70. Any information regarding the previous regulation has been rescinded and classified. All related documentation, evidence, or footage is to be destroyed under Lieutenant Oswald's direct supervision.
71. Just because Crusader Company isn't using their Hypervelocity Rockets does not mean that they are to be used as bottle rockets for firework displays (they were admittedly impressive, but knock it off).
72. Aura-equipped Marines are no longer permitted to play "hot potato" with firecrackers.
73. While we appreciate the effort at interservice camaraderie, please stop giving Atlesian Military Units profane or otherwise unprofessional callsigns without telling them what they really mean back in UNSC Space. (On a personal note, whoever it was that managed to convince an entire squad of trained soldiers to refer to themselves proudly as the Periwinkles should probably be working for ONI, that's talent.)
74. Mags is no longer allowed to "borrow" any naval memorabilia that serves to decorate the Dominion.
75. While not technically a regulation, any Marines training under Specialist Schnee are to be reminded that she is your instructor, and is well within her right to make you carry giant ice cubes during PT, so do yourself a favor and follow her orders.
This concludes all new regulation updates. I expect you all to straighten yourselves up and be on your best behavior moving forward!